What can i do with my husband?

whipping girl in 07, RN · Feb 28, 2009

I would imagine you would do the same thing you did in clinicals...take a shower when you get home, wash your scrubs, wash your hands, use universal precautions with every patient and isolation when necessary or known. Even in the ER, frequent flyers have it all over their chart if they have a history of something, but even with those who are brand new to your ER you'd use universal precautions and likely be safe. I don't think I've ever caught ANYTHING from a patient in over 7 years of nursing, but I've caught plenty from co-workers (the flu ran rampant through our ICU staff my first year of nursing because people kept working sick due to short staffing...GRRR!!!), my kids (who never seem to get very sick but pass it on to me!), people at church (last winter I got a cold at least twice from shaking hands but not using hand gel because I'd changed purses), and my HUSBAND, who just gave me the flu, which developed into bronchitis, and I've been home from work almost a week.

I'm with the others...having a wife who is not dependent on his money can be very stressful on a man. My husband currently works a little from home and takes care of our two preschool children...our dd goes to kindergarten next year and our ds will probably go to part time preschool...I know he doesn't like it that I bring home the bacon. To make matters worse, I really don't WANT to work full-time and be the primary breadwinner but it was me full-time or him full-time out of town for weeks at a time PLUS me part-time for insurance...so we're doing what we have to do. Your husband may feel emasculated by your new-found independence. Does the field he work in have lots of "macho" men whose wives do not work outside the home? Will he get dogged by his buddies? My hubby occasionally gets dogged and he just laughs it off...calls me his "sugar mama," which I didn't like at first but now I laugh it off too. It's not forever...we'll get through this...

Is he worried he might have to take care of the kids? I know I was away from home more when I started working than I was in school, and since it was night shift I wasn't there at night when he was falling asleep. I'm sure that put some stress on our marriage, and I know he had to do the homework/bath/bed routine with our oldest (who was 4 to 7 when I worked nights) every night while I was at work. My hours were not as predictable, sometimes I'd get off late or get called in early or asked to work a different day because of staffing.

Good luck to you. Feel free to PM me and I'll try to get my hubby to respond if that would help.

DA314 · Feb 28, 2009

What he really wants me to do , something in a private practice where all I am going to do is take the BP...after all the studying ...I will try to compromise maybe with a job on a easier unit..if is anything like that in a hospital...thanks for the fast response..

Why on earth would you want to go through nursing school just to take BPs all day long? A monkey could do that.

I think your husband is just expressing anxiety about your new role. You'll likely be the breadwinner and be happy in your new job. He is going to have to deal with feelings of inadequacy and may even be unhappy in his job.

I went through something similar with my husband not long ago. When I started my CNA class, he kept saying he didn't like the idea of my doing bed baths on men. We talked, and it was more about his anxiety that I'm changing who I am.

Now that I'm in LPN school, he always talks about how I won't need him ater I get a good job, esp. once I'm an RN. He's afraid of not being "the man"

Try talking to your husband to see if maybe he's feeling the same way. Reassure him that although you are changing you path in life, you still want him to walk down it with you. And remind him that he doesn't have to be the breadwinner, he just needs to do the best he can.

beatriceb321 · Feb 28, 2009

Thanks a lot,everything would help right now...I still don't feel that the money is involved,but something bigger is behind his rationalization ...that is why I avoided to talk about my clinical experiences with him because I could tell it affects him ...but is kind of like not telling the whole truth...talking did not help..

luvmy2angels · Feb 28, 2009

What he really wants me to do , something in a private practice where all I am going to do is take the BP...after all the studying ...I will try to compromise maybe with a job on a easier unit..if is anything like that in a hospital...thanks for the fast response..

You will be exposed to all of the diseases and germs no matter where you go to work. you will be a nurse and that is what nurses do. Using standard precautions and good hand washing is the best prevention in the spread of disease and germs etc. I get sick more from my kids and the crap they bring home from school than i do from contact with my patients. I must say that i think it very unfair on his part to bring this up at the end of your schooling. Good luck!!

RedhairedNurse, BSN, RN · Feb 28, 2009

I am a nursing student ,about to graduate at the end of the year and I would like to work PRN on the ER of the local hospital until then to get more experience.When I told my husband what I am planning to do, he got very nervous about the fact that I will expose myself and our family to all kinds of diseases.Is no way I can convince him that I will be careful. Honestly, I can't promise that I will not stick myself with a needle,or I won't be around pt w/HIV,or other contagiuos illnesses.He said that if I decide to take the risk for myself is fine but that he does't need to take the same risk.Is anybody out there who was in a sililar situation? I don't want to quit my carer when I am so close to make it...but I don't want to live in fear that one day it will happen and he wil say"I told you so...":rolleyes:

I can say this to you. At least at the hospital, we know what we're being exposed to. We have ways to protect ourselves. For instance.....when you're at Walmart and you've touched the shopping cart that may or may not have been touched by an undiagnosed c-diff person that just got through using the bathroom without washing their hands. Think about it!

Just take precautions; slow down, be careful with needles, be careful with things that can cause splashes. Most hospitals have needleless system except for maybe drawing blood or IVs; always make sure you engage the safety device after withdrawing the needle Before you do anything else. Be very familiar with equipment before you use it for the first time; practice with needles before you use them on somebody, don't worry about wasting good needles to practice with, safety first. Remember....just be careful and WASH your hands often. It's no big deal and definitely not a reason to live in fear.

Edit: I should say if you're going to the ER, then you're not going to know what people have like we do on the floor. So you must take extra precautions. Google the top ten most germiest jobs. Teaching is #1 on that list.

RNgonewild · Feb 28, 2009

Tell him at least you will go together. Just kidding. Hey he will like the paychecks, just wait.

diane227, LPN, RN · Feb 28, 2009

It does not matter where you work in a hospital, you are going to be exposed to germs of all types. If your family is concerned about your bringing infectious diseases into your home you might try what a friend of mine used to do. She would take her scrubs and shoes off in the garage. She never took contaminated items into her home. She washed her scrubs in hot water and in bleach when possible. She showered each night after her shift. This seemed to work well for her.

NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN · Feb 28, 2009

He wants you to get a job at a doctor's office. The doctor's office is where my kids always get sick. Ds just got over a 10 day case of the flu he caught from someone at the office. It wasn't another kid either. This lady looked like death warmed over.

Like you seemed to imply, dh may well be a germaphobe. There's really no way to avoid said "cooties". I still don't understand why they weren't a problem at school, but they will be at work, but I digress. Just don't go too crazy with anti-bacterial everything and create more superbugs for us.

itsmyturn · Feb 28, 2009

I kind of see his inferiorities coming out because...

My husband was like this due to the fact that I was sahm for 20 yrs. He has always cared for us and so when I decided to go back to school, it bothered him. He did not understand, felt like I thought he could not provide and every time I attempted it, he somehow managed to sabatoge(sp?) it. Then, when our only child headed off to college, I went thru empty nest syndrome and started expressing fears of him dying and leaving me too and I needed back up if anything ever happened to him(he is in law enforcement).

I am probably in the middle of my life, so I expect that I would evaluate where I am. Since nursing has been something I have wanted to do since I was a kid but never had the chance, I gave him an ultimatum and explained that I needed this, I wanted this and I was gonna get it. He was great all through school until about right before graduation where he started giving me stipulations like I had to work part time, I needed to choose somewhere that was not health-risking, etc. I again told him that he needed to understand why I am doing this or we would have to discuss other arrangements. I hated to be like this but I gave up years for him, including sitting by as he grew his career. He not only owed me this opportunity, but he also should understand that it would selfish of him to not allow me to have some sorta back up in case he died first and he should do this because he loves me and wants my life to be as good as he provided for me. I fought this attitude for years, and it was hard because most men do not like their prides bashed, especially if they are old school where the wife stays home and the man provides, which he is.

So, if he is like this, basically I want you to know that you deserve a life too. One that you grew with your own independence that does not include him. This is o.k. You deserve this. If this is something that you want then take it because he is your husband, not your father. He may give you the fight of your life and you may have to decide between the two, let's hope not. My hubby settled down eventually and realized, rubbing me the wrong way only made me want want he did not more so he leaves me alone and understands how important this part of my life has become to me. It took a lot of ego stroking but he has come around and no longer gives me underlying excuses to keep me from it. Only you know the best way to handle him, if this is him at all.

It is also very natural of fearing getting something as a new nurse. I saw a student refuse to care for an HIV pt and the teacher eventually had to let her go because she could not handle it. She thought she would have her choice of pts. If his fear is truly one of catching something because your in this field, he would be surprised of the amount of people he comes in contact with everyday that has something he can catch but never knew. Heck, right now my biggest fear is all of those people who come into the bathroom and don't wash their hands when they leave! I wish they made door handles that when touched with dirty hands would lock and not let the person out until they did it.

Junebugfairy · Feb 28, 2009

i guess since everyone else has given such great advice, i can add a few words of support and encouragement.

you deserve happiness, contentment, a sense of self, and freedom. marriage is not a prison sentence, you do not lose 'yourself' and your desires just because you are married.

i am married to a man who was raised by his mom, so he is very 'pro-woman' and a feminist type. he supports me while i am in college, and says that he is the luckiest guy in the world to have a private nurse / wife all in one. hahaha

you need a back up income! men on average die about 9 years(i believe, somewhere around there) before women, if you cannot care for yourself then your retirement will be a struggle!

it is practical that women can be independent. i am very independent, i have my own bank account etc.. my husband supports me, because he feels that i should have my own 'stuff' too.

you have a wonderful education, use it how you want to :)

ktwlpn, LPN · Feb 28, 2009

You have a much bigger issue-your husband is afraid of your independence and his loosing control over you.I think you should get some couples counseling...good luck

chevyv, BSN, RN · Feb 28, 2009

You finally make it through and have a desire to work in ER. Go for it! Don't let anyone stop you from following your dream. He really needs to see that ER is what you want and he should support that. Sounds like there are some other bigger issues going on.

My relationship has collapsed and I'm so grateful that I'm almost done with school. My 'honey' had alot of controlling type behaviors that I didn't really see until I started school. I found out a few months ago that he'd been having a very long affair. It started when I started school! He claims he felt that I didn't have time for him and yada yada yada. We have two children and I stay because I have no where else to go....yet. Once I pass Boards and land that job, me and the kids are history. Now, if he could have taken a step back and looked at the whole picture including the future, he might have seen that school doesn't last forever and the money I will be making would make our lives easier not harder. His loss and my gain in the end.

Follow your dreams. Once he knows you're happy, he will probably be fine. It's probably scary for him to know that you'll be doing something that has nothing to do with him. He's expecting this huge life change. Many men think their wives will leave once they are able to support themselves. Maybe he's feeling this way. I wish you the best! Does he know clinic won't pay as well?