Visitors on Working Days

[applesxoranges, BSN, RN]

Am I the only one who works night shift and hates it when there are unplanned visitors that decide "today I am going to visit X" with little or no notice? I feel like it is really rude. I get that they are my boyfriend's family but my family doesn't drop in with little notice and expect us to entertain them. Not to mention the food. They ate 200 dollars worth of food in a weekend. We don't normally

I work night shift so they want to do stuff during the day when I sleep. We have a bilevel house and the kitchen is near the master bedroom so I hear when they bang stuff around cooking. For some reason, people only want to shower or use the upstairs bathroom which is close to the bed and is connected to the bedroom (there is access from both bedroom and hallway) and won't use our downstairs bathroom.

I don't know if I am unreasonable that I want to get a good night sleep. We have a cath lab so we get sick people. A lot of codes come here. We get a lot of squads, more than I feel like the hospital should be getting compared to other hospitals. I've told my boyfriend that if I am too tired to work, people could potentially die (his response is if he is tired, then people could die too which pissed me off because no one wants to do **** when he is sleeping and I don't go into the bedroom).

It would be different if they gave us some notice like more than a week. My schedule is planned out in four weeks so I actually would prefer them to ask. I wish my boyfriend would check with me too. He said he would next time because I complained.

I can't tell if I am unreasonable here. I don't care when his dad comes in because he is quiet and stays to himself.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Whose name is on the lease? Or do you own this house? "Listen ever so cute but dim boyfriend, please let me know when your family is coming so that I can get the time off. I need to sleep during the day, as you know. If not, I will be forced to have a party of my night shift peers all night when you have to be up at 6am. That will be fine, as we may be finishing up by then Oh, and make sure you hit the grocery. Cause there's no food in this house."

Seriously. Your boyfriend needs to say "hey, use the shower downstairs, lets keep it down." Should they not want to do that, then they can visit pre-planned.

If he is not willing to do that, then you need to rethink things. Whether that be a loud fan, moving to another room that is quieter when they are there.

[poppycat, ADN, BSN]

The timing of this post made me laugh. While you were posting this, I was commenting on the "quirky night shifter" post about exactly the same thing. It took a lot of years for me to get my friends & family to "get it". No one is allowed to drop by unannounced. This is not just because I work nights. I get horrible anxiety when someone comes over without prior planning.

It's all about "training" the people in your life about what is or is not acceptable. One of my friends used to call every day around noon just to chat. I got her to understand what that did to my sleep cycle by calling her 3 nights in a row at 0200 just to chat. The first time she was confused. The second time she was mad. The third time she said "I won't call you in the middle of the day again".

[APRN., DNP, RN, APRN, NP]

If I were in your shoes, I would post a notice on the front door, as well as a mass email/text to all of the offenders that let them know that your ability to recharge between grueling shifts is cut drastically short by paper thin walls that allow sounds to travel through unfiltered. Which, by the way, includes the shower upstairs.

But then again, I'm not a nice person when it comes to bratty acting people who don't respect my space.

If you're of the mind to be more accommodating, try getting a pair of good earplugs and asking sweetly to try to let you rest.

[LDAthleteNurse, BSN, RN]

When people drop by unannounced I just don't answer the door. Lol its pretty hilarious because it's super obvious that I'm home because my car is in the drive way. I don't care.

One time I had a "visitor" text me later after popping up unannounced and she said "I came by your house. I saw your car was there" I said, "I know. I heard you knock." This conversation was followed by awkward silence as you can imagine and not a single DAMN was given on my behalf. Lolol

[meanmaryjean, DNP, RN]

A) Your problem is not with the visitors- it's with your inconsiderate boyfriend. Completely

B) The Nuclear Option is highly effective AND satisfying. Drop by their home with a group at around 0100. Make noise, eat and don't leave until they 'get it'.

[elkpark]

I've worked night shift (while living with a boyfriend), and everyone, including his family, knew that and was respectful of my need to sleep during the day. It's really rude for them to be dropping by and making a lot of noise (same as it would be for you to go to their home and make a lot of noise in the middle of the night, and I love meanmary's suggestion :)). It's also really rude and inconsiderate for your boyfriend to not either set limits with his family and friends (when good times to visit (vis a vis your work schedule) are, or how much advance notice you both would like to arrange a visit), or, at least, if they come by, say, "Apples is sleeping; let's go out" (and do so).

[Libby1987]

Your boyfriend and you both need to come to the conclusion of whether he can understand and respect having a partner that works night shift. It doesn't matter if you worked the make up counter at Macy's, you work nights period, if he can't understand and respect that and control the activities while you sleep, then time to reconsider the relationship.

It is worrisome in my opinion that here you are with a professional high responsibility job and he doesn't already get the need for you to get decent sleep between shifts. What kind of adult doesn't automatically get that let alone has to have it explained more than once?

[NICU Guy, BSN, RN]

Since it is your boyfriend's family that is the issue, it is obvious that he never learned respect for others from his family. He is oblivious to how they are disrupting your sleep and it seems that he doesn't care when you explain it to him. My advice is to sit down with him and create some ground rules when you are sleeping during the day. If that doesn't work, then the nuclear option. If the nuclear option doesn't work then move out and find another boyfriend that has more respect for you.

[Nonyvole, BSN, RN]

No boundaries really sucks. I turn off my phone and have a note on the front door that pretty much says "disturb at your own risk."

Now, I've a couple suggestions to start, well, training them. First, lock the bathroom door to the hall. And your bedroom door. If they can still get into the bathroom, then there are these lovely double-cylinder deadbolts so that you have to have a key to unlock it...and earplugs. Tell the boyfriend you want a set of Sleepphones for the holidays, so you can simply plug in some music/white noise/binaurial sounds.

And maybe also frame it less in terms of "patients could die" and more along the lines of "I could die." Because driving tired can be worse than driving drunk. And if your reaction times are blunted at work, with a hostile patient? Ouch.

Finally, and I'm sorry about this one but pets have no concept of time, my neighbors have no concept of respect about revving motors constantly, and I'm trying to calm down enough to go back to sleep, the boyfriend needs to have a set of choices put in front of him. Either he talks to his guests about the noise and the food - and makes changes - or he pays for a hotel room for you so that you don't have to worry about it at all.

Or you could be amazingly passive aggressive and when they wake you up, move out to the living room and fall asleep on the couch. Or pretend to.

It's been over a decade and I'm still trying to point out to my husband and my in-laws that we need a bit of notice for things. I've hit the point of just saying "nope, not going" when we've been given less than 24 hours notice for something big, and then ignoring the PA guilt trip that my MIL attempts to pull.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

"I don't know if I am unreasonable that I want to get a good night sleep. "

Yes you do know. Take control of your household .. get the sleep and respect you deserve.

[RainMom]

I hate company. I get the whole anxiety thing too, even if it's just my sister stopping in & she lives down the street. My in-laws live all over the country, but it never fails that we will be "informed" of a visit with little choice (sometimes, it's a phone call during the last 30 minutes of a multi-hr drive; does it never occur to them we may be away?).

Last yr, somehow it was decided that we were hosting Thanksgiving for my MIL, SIL & kids, BIL & wife. Guess who was working? Night shift? Three out of four days they stayed? Not a happy camper.

This year, new unit & no more night shift. So MIL decides she wants to come for Thanksgiving. Again. Even after being told that's my holiday to be on call & I'm not planning much (like I'm throwing a turkey breast in a crock pot kind of meal). Yippee.Ki.Yay.