Unsure of wanting kids

Nurses Stress 101

Published

I figured this would qualify as a stress topic, lol...

I always thought of wanting kids someday. But someday has pretty much turned to now. I don't know if I want kids anymore... I mean, the massive amount of responsibility!! That is true commitment. I have dealt with other people's kids, and I don't know if I want to actually deal with them at all stages of life! Sounds mean. I already come home stressed from my job of caring for other people. Then I'd come home to taking care of kids... not exactly stress-free, haha. I like coming home and plopping on the couch not having to deal with anything. I always thought people were selfish for not wanting kids and now I completely understand. I feel I might be too selfish! I'm starting to hate myself for it. I want my parents to be grandparents though. And I might regret not having kids someday... like when I'm 80 and have no kids or grandkids... I'd probably feel pretty darn lonely. I don't know.

Have you ever felt back and forth about having kids of your own... and just too darn scared to have kids?? :(

Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.

On side note....before I had children I could NOT imagine where I could find the time and energy to take care of one.

After I had children I chastised myself for my misappropriation of time. Clearly I had plenty then and I must have wasted it....LOL

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Thank you guys for making me not feel like a "freak" about a possibility of not having kids. (I feel so hypocritical because I used to feel like people without kids were "freaks" and selfish). And thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone. I don't want to tell my family or friends about how I feel... I might disappoint them.

I also thought I would just naturally be ready to have kids at this age. But I guess I still feel like a 20 year old basically starting my adult life. I take care of moms and newborns (mostly the moms because THEY'RE the ones with the IVs, foleys, medications, pain, most of the problems because they just went through the traumatizing event of birth, etc.).... but anyways, newborns are cute until they start crying up a storm and then it's like OMG. I guess working with babies makes me think even more of what MY life would be with babies of my own. Sometimes... I even think when I DO feel like I'm ready to have kids, what if I find out I'm not fertile enough- or I'm too old and it's too late?

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Thank you guys for making me not feel like a "freak" about a possibility of not having kids. (I feel so hypocritical because I used to feel like people without kids were "freaks" and selfish). And thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone. I don't want to tell my family or friends about how I feel... I might disappoint them.

I also thought I would just naturally be ready to have kids at this age. But I guess I still feel like a 20 year old basically starting my adult life. I take care of moms and newborns (mostly the moms because THEY'RE the ones with the IVs, foleys, medications, pain, most of the problems because they just went through the traumatizing event of birth, etc.).... but anyways, newborns are cute until they start crying up a storm and then it's like OMG. I guess working with babies makes me think even more of what MY life would be with babies of my own. Sometimes... I even think when I DO feel like I'm ready to have kids, what if I find out I'm not fertile enough- or I'm too old and it's too late?

Exactly how I feel. What if I change my mind and then can't get pregnant and regret waiting so long! Oh well....life is too short for regrets. Have to just make choices and be okay with them.

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Specializes in Post Anesthesia.

It's a shame there isn't a way to rent a toddler say, for a 6mos lease. If you find kids aren't your cup of tea, you can turn them back in for a full refund of your security deposit. Like'em, and you can finance for the full parenting package. Warning, teen years the warranty runs out. For me- I don't know how my parents lived through 7 children. I don't think my parents even liked kids- they were just an unfortunate side effect of coitus. For me, I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with my two girls, but I'm a grandfather now and my glasses are much more rose colored than they were when I had two premenstrual teens sparring with my wife.

They are work, but the joy and satisfaction I got from my raising my daughters was the only rays of sunshine when the job became a daily stent in purgatory. Kids give you perspective on what is really important in this world, and it sure isn't the endless debate of BSN vs AD vs Diploma, or why my floor always gets short staffed when there are call offs.

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This doesn't address your question exactly, but I feel I should add this particular sentiment:

I don't care how many books you've read, baby dolls you've swaddled, or nieces/nephews you've sent to timeout -- no one, NO ONE, is truly "ready" to have kids.

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

There are plenty of people who have kids who shouldn't . . . we see them every day in our inner city ER. And there are plenty of people who would be wonderful parents who don't have kids, whether by choice or happenstance. I left home at the age of 17 to escape the beatings. Child abuse is cyclical, and when I married at 21, I was determined to break the cycle by not having children. I think it was a good choice at that time.

Years later, I wanted children but due to cervical cancer, wasn't able to have them. I spent years (and all of my savings) trying to adopt as a single woman, but in those days, thirty was "too old" to become a single mother, and I was well into my 30s. In my early 40s, with my current wonderful husband, my GYN thought she could help me get pregnant, so I again went into debt for fertility treatments. Also unsuccessful. And you know what? It's OK.

I have a beautiful, smart step-daughter, and watching her makes me realize that there's no guaruntee I won't be lonely in my old age, and wouldn't be no matter how many children I had. She has barely any interest in her father or me beyond the checkbook. She's through college and on her own now, and so are we. She lives 18 miles away and called once during the time I was going through breast cancer and my husband was working full time AND trying to take care of me.

Evidently kids weren't meant to be a part of my life, but that doesn't mean I don't have a full and happy life. The key is to make up your mind to enjoy the blessings you DO have and not regret the ones you DON'T. And make up your OWN mind whether or not you want the responsibility of children -- it's not up to you to make your parents grandparents. It's your decision, not your mother's, not your husband's and not anyone else's. (ALthough I would hope that no one got married without discussion whether or not you wanted kids, when and how many.)

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Specializes in Outpatient/Clinic, ClinDoc.

I am another voluntarily childfree person - it's never been anything I felt 'called' to do, and I do not regret it. I have no problems with kids and in fact have worked as a pediatric nurse off and on. But I'm reaching the point in my life where it's unlikely I will have any, and I am OK with that.

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I never wanted kids, growing up. I got married at 24 and my husband and I were living it up. One day I decided that I was ready, but my husband still was not. After a few months of the idea floating around, he had enough co-workers tell him, "You are NEVER ready for kids. Never. Not financially, not mentally, not ever."

Just like that, we conceived baby number one. I bonded with her throughout my entire pregnancy and the moment she was in my arms it was like everything I ever wanted for myself was now channeled into her. She was my world. When I wasn't holding her, I was sitting and watching her and wishing I could hold her. How did my husband and I create such a perfect little person? How could I possibly love so unconditionally? How did I ever truly enjoy life without her in it?

I made numerous sacrifices for her. Lost loads of sleep, got milked like a cow, learned to function in a zombie-like state, did more laundry and changed more diapers than I ever thought possible. It didn't seem worth it every day. On really trying days, I wondered what the **** I got myself into and on good days I felt like the luckiest woman alive. She never failed to amaze me.

Her first smile, her first laugh, hearing her voice and watching her learn and grow and comprehend things melted my heart. I felt so lucky to have such a smart, beautiful and healthy little girl.

Now, at almost 4 years old, she tests mine and my husbands patience almost daily. I find myself asking the "*** did I get myself into?!" question quite frequently. She's a turd. But it's a phase and one day I will look back, probably when she's giving me attitude at 16 and I'll miss the terrible 3's. Haha! She's a smart, happy, beautiful, healthy, spunky little girl and my world would end if I lost her.

I have a son too. He turned one in April. He's a brute and likes to try picking up stuff that is half his own size and pushes my dining room table across the room, but even when he's crying and being clingy, I can't help but hug and kiss his little face. He's so precious and he makes me laugh everyday.

Kids are not for everyone. It's not "selfish" if you decide against it, it is just you knowing your own limits. I chose to have kids and I am being brutally honest when I say that somedays I wish I hadn't, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I would not be the person I am today without them. They helped me grow up and I learn a lot of lessons from them often. I sometimes feel like I belong on a 5150 hold and my husband who wanted 4 kids originally, asked if we could stop at one child! It is TRYING and it is the best and most difficult thing you'll ever do all rolled into one. There's really no rush. The older you are, the more likely you are to know what you really want in life. My mother in law often pushes us to have more kids (hubby got the snip). She thinks you're not doing it right unless you have 4+ kids. I explained to her that more than 2 was not right for me as I could not mentally handle raising more, nor is it right for the QUALITY of life we choose to have. Good luck.

Honestly, you'll never feel ready. Until it's too late. *evil laugh*

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Please forgive me for the novel. It is not easy to explain in a few short words.

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I am child free by choice and have never regretted my decision. I was fortunate that no one in my family applied pressure to have kids. My spouse also had no interest in being a parent. I think if more people asked themselves the questions you have, gave more thought to having a child then just looking at Gerber ads and cute baby clothes they would understand better the scope of what parenting, good parenting, is. Doesn't mean they wouldn't more forth and have kids but I know personally some people who would not have had children or not as many if they had to do it over again.

Contrary to what some think, those of us who do not have children don't hate them (at least I don't) nor am I selfish though I know some view being child free by choice as selfish...what I think would've been selfish is to have a child based on what others/society thought/wanted. There is also adoption as choice - many kids need loving homes, foster parenting as well. My unsolicited advice is whatever you decide don't make the decision (either way) based out of fear, urgency or what someone else says or some biological clock ticking..

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Specializes in Neuroscience.

I'm 26 and not sure if I'll ever have kids. It's not something I'm actively interested in as part of my life. I have plans for more education, travel, and eventually marriage or at least a long-term partner, but kids are never on my to do list. More of a if they happen, fine, if they don't then I don't care either. I don't care about passing my genes on and living forever, blah, blah, blah.

I do enjoy my free time on my days off, I love sleeping whenever I want, and my money is mine. I never cared that this made me "selfish" as I know I am not a selfish person considering my job and the fact that I do go out of my way to help out my family members whenever they need something. The fact that I don't have kids leaves me with more time to do so. My parents never pressured my siblings and I to have kids; they do have one granddaughter and they adore her, but if they didn't have a grandkid they wouldn't have cared either way. Having kids is also no guarantee that you will not be lonely in old age (that's a selfish reason to have a kid) as many of my patients have children that are no where to be seen. I'M the one taking care of mommy/granny.

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Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.
Thank you guys for making me not feel like a "freak" about a possibility of not having kids. (I feel so hypocritical because I used to feel like people without kids were "freaks" and selfish). And thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone. I don't want to tell my family or friends about how I feel... I might disappoint them.

I also thought I would just naturally be ready to have kids at this age. But I guess I still feel like a 20 year old basically starting my adult life. I take care of moms and newborns (mostly the moms because THEY'RE the ones with the IVs, foleys, medications, pain, most of the problems because they just went through the traumatizing event of birth, etc.).... but anyways, newborns are cute until they start crying up a storm and then it's like OMG. I guess working with babies makes me think even more of what MY life would be with babies of my own. Sometimes... I even think when I DO feel like I'm ready to have kids, what if I find out I'm not fertile enough- or I'm too old and it's too late?

Medical science is wonderful....and if not....then maybe it wasn't "meant" to be.

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