Jump to content

Unsure of wanting kids

Posted

Has 4 years experience.

I figured this would qualify as a stress topic, lol...

I always thought of wanting kids someday. But someday has pretty much turned to now. I don't know if I want kids anymore... I mean, the massive amount of responsibility!! That is true commitment. I have dealt with other people's kids, and I don't know if I want to actually deal with them at all stages of life! Sounds mean. I already come home stressed from my job of caring for other people. Then I'd come home to taking care of kids... not exactly stress-free, haha. I like coming home and plopping on the couch not having to deal with anything. I always thought people were selfish for not wanting kids and now I completely understand. I feel I might be too selfish! I'm starting to hate myself for it. I want my parents to be grandparents though. And I might regret not having kids someday... like when I'm 80 and have no kids or grandkids... I'd probably feel pretty darn lonely. I don't know.

Have you ever felt back and forth about having kids of your own... and just too darn scared to have kids?? :(

I will preface this with I do have kids. 2 toddlers. I also completely understand not wanting to have them and see nothing wrong with that choice it is by far and away the hardest job I have ever had. I knew I wanted kids the same way I knew I wanted to marry my husband, I just couldn't see my life another way. Its okay to be selfish, we all are, you just need to understand that have kids will make you selfless in a way you never thought possible. You make pretty much every choice for 2 and that doesn't end when you give birth. I love my children and I love devoting my life to pouring joy into them and teaching them to be responsible and loving. However, I do not recommend having kids to anyone. Just like I think being a nurse is great and noble I wouldn't just make a blanket recommendation to be a nurse and say if you don't you're a bad person.

VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych. Has 20 years experience.

I still feel that way, and I'm on my sixth grandchild! LOL

Seriously, you have to listen to your heart on this one. Most of us who are parents aren't truly "ready" to have kids until the moment that first child draws his or her first breath. Then they put the tiny baby in our arms and we suddenly realize that WE are responsible for whether s/he lives or dies. That's scary!

But then we take a big, deep breath, hold our noses, and jump into parenthood. I have to tell you that there is no secret to it, and there's no magic bullet---it's one day at a time, one crisis at a time, one sloppy, wet little-kid kiss at a time. And when all is said and done, there's a piece of immortality running around out there creating his or her own family and ensuring that you will live on well past the day they put you in the ground.

In short: YES, it's worth it. :yes:

I still feel that way, and I'm on my sixth grandchild! LOL

Seriously, you have to listen to your heart on this one. Most of us who are parents aren't truly "ready" to have kids until the moment that first child draws his or her first breath. Then they put the tiny baby in our arms and we suddenly realize that WE are responsible for whether s/he lives or dies. That's scary!

But then we take a big, deep breath, hold our noses, and jump into parenthood. I have to tell you that there is no secret to it, and there's no magic bullet---it's one day at a time, one crisis at a time, one sloppy, wet little-kid kiss at a time. And when all is said and done, there's a piece of immortality running around out there creating his or her own family and ensuring that you will live on well past the day they put you in the ground.

In short: YES, it's worth it. :yes:

Lol I often find myself staring and my children thinking... am I sure I can do this? Glad to know that never lets up :)

I guess I can add something from the child-free community. I'm 31, happily married and have never really wanted kids. I've entertained the idea on occasion, but as I have gotten older, progressed in my career, seen the sacrifices and stress of my procreating friends, I'm unconvinced. I have also seen the things parents go through when things go wrong with those "best laid plans" I have a number of people in my life who have lovely kids and let me hang out from time to time, but I think my time and efforts are going to stay wholly in the adult world. It is not a totally easy decision, and I wonder sometimes how I will feel when I'm 60. But you have to listen to your heart, and to your partner. It's just like all the rest of life's tough choices, I wish you luck with yours.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN

Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych. Has 14 years experience.

I am voluntarily part of the childless community. I don't really want kids.

Almost anyone can have a child after 20 minutes of passion. However, not everyone can be a good parent. I've seen a staggering number of people put their own needs, wants, desires, addictions, stupidity and poor decision making above the best interests of their children and it is a crying shame.

Raising children to become emotionally healthy adults who successfully launch into adulthood requires maturity, sacrifice, empathy, warmth, consistency, responsiveness and money. I have the maturity and money, but for personal reasons I am not willing to sacrifice my freedom to become a mother.

I salute all the parents out there who do their jobs well, for these people are parenting the next generation of adults.

OrganizedChaos, LVN

Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab. Has 10 years experience.

I just had my first, he was a surprise baby.

I thought much like you. I want to focus on me, have me time & not be responsible for anyone. I liked spending time with other people's kids because I could give then back/leave. But having your own child is completely different & a love I've never felt before.

But saying all that it is a personal decision only you can make.

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN

Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma. Has 40 years experience.

My children are my greatest joy. Is it hard? Yes. Does it require sacrifice? Yes Is it exhausting? Yes. Would I do it again..absolutely.

Is it for everybody? NO!

I have family that chose not to have children and they are perfectly happy.

Have children only IF it is absolutely what you want and not because you think you should or might be lonely.

j0yegan

Has 4 years experience.

My heart is telling me to have kids. My brain is the problem. I'm thinking about it too much I think. Maybe I should wait a couple years and see how I feel. I just really enjoy my freedom! I can have days when I don't feel like doing anything! People do say having kids is worth it and completely changes your perspective...

But... what if I even have a child with a debilitating disability or something? All this is so scary.

OP, first let me say I commend you for even taking the time to think about such a huge life altering decision. You are not being selfish if you decide not to have children! You should not have children so people can be grandparents or they will be there for you when you are 80. Look in the nursing homes and see how well that worked out for some people ;-)

Children change your life forever. My sibling is child free and travels, lives a pick up and go at a moment's notice life (minus work commitments). I, on the other hand, had a child I very much wanted. My child has significant disabilities.

My child will never live independently, will always require care, and will not be caring for me when I am 80. If I live that long from the stress, I will continue to worry about what will happen to my child when his parents are gone (yes, we have plan B, C, & D). I love this child more than life itself. My child has taught me so much more than I could have imagined but I find myself physically, financially, and emotionally drained at times. Knowing this going in, I would still do it over in a heartbeat.

Working less than full time for us is not an option (another thing to consider when you are deciding) and trying to find someone to care for our child when we are not home has been extremely challenging.

Whatever your decision, make sure it is the right decision for you. If the answer is yes, go in with your eyes and your heart wide open. If the answer is no, that's fine too!

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN

Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma. Has 40 years experience.

My heart is telling me to have kids. My brain is the problem. I'm thinking about it too much I think. Maybe I should wait a couple years and see how I feel. I just really enjoy my freedom! I can have days when I don't feel like doing anything! People do say having kids is worth it and completely changes your perspective...

But... what if I even have a child with a debilitating disability or something? All this is so scary.

It is scary. You are taking the first step in recognizing what a responsibility it is.

I was 37 and 38 when I had my children. I had amniocentesis for both. My husband and I had discussed what our alternatives would be...for example microcephaly/anacephaly...and based our decision on much thought and soul searching what would be best for our family.

I am blessed with 2 wonderful children who are blessedly healthy.

When my sister decided she didn't want children she was young...I encouraged her to do nothing permanent until later in life.

She is happily childless pushing 50. She is successful, she and her hubby travel, she takes care of our Mom and her sisters....and much loved by her nieces and nephew. She doesn't need children she "borrows" my other sisters girls and my two.

There is no real rush...women are having babies later and later. ((HUGS))

I'm so glad I found this thread.

I've been having the same thoughts lately and I'll be 30 in October so I know that I need to decide sometime soon. In my late 20s I went back and forth a lot, but I knew I still had a while to decide and I guess I hoped/assumed when I got older I would just be ready.

Well I've been married 4 years, just graduated nursing school and got my first nursing job and I still am nowhere near ready. Everyone expects us to have babies now that I'm done with school, but I think I had episodes of baby fever more IN school than I do now.

I didn't work for 3 years through my BSN program, and now that we have a dual income again we can go back to traveling and enjoying things more without worrying about money, and the last thing I want is to have a baby because there goes all that "new" disposable income. Plus being a new nurse in an ICU internship I'm always overwhelmed. when I get home I want to sit on the couch and not move and go to bed at 8pm. Almost every night I think to myself OMG I can't imagine having a kid to take care of right now and being any more exhausted than I already am. Like right now....it's 10am on a Saturday and I'm still laying in bed cuddling with my dog and I have all day to do whatever I want. It's hard because when I think about kids right now all I think about is giving all that up. Sigh.

I think my husband is more ready than I am. I just don't think he understands quite how life changing it will be.

Glad I'm not alone!!

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN

Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma. Has 40 years experience.

On side note....before I had children I could NOT imagine where I could find the time and energy to take care of one.

After I had children I chastised myself for my misappropriation of time. Clearly I had plenty then and I must have wasted it....LOL

j0yegan

Has 4 years experience.

Thank you guys for making me not feel like a "freak" about a possibility of not having kids. (I feel so hypocritical because I used to feel like people without kids were "freaks" and selfish). And thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone. I don't want to tell my family or friends about how I feel... I might disappoint them.

I also thought I would just naturally be ready to have kids at this age. But I guess I still feel like a 20 year old basically starting my adult life. I take care of moms and newborns (mostly the moms because THEY'RE the ones with the IVs, foleys, medications, pain, most of the problems because they just went through the traumatizing event of birth, etc.).... but anyways, newborns are cute until they start crying up a storm and then it's like OMG. I guess working with babies makes me think even more of what MY life would be with babies of my own. Sometimes... I even think when I DO feel like I'm ready to have kids, what if I find out I'm not fertile enough- or I'm too old and it's too late?

Thank you guys for making me not feel like a "freak" about a possibility of not having kids. (I feel so hypocritical because I used to feel like people without kids were "freaks" and selfish). And thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone. I don't want to tell my family or friends about how I feel... I might disappoint them.

I also thought I would just naturally be ready to have kids at this age. But I guess I still feel like a 20 year old basically starting my adult life. I take care of moms and newborns (mostly the moms because THEY'RE the ones with the IVs, foleys, medications, pain, most of the problems because they just went through the traumatizing event of birth, etc.).... but anyways, newborns are cute until they start crying up a storm and then it's like OMG. I guess working with babies makes me think even more of what MY life would be with babies of my own. Sometimes... I even think when I DO feel like I'm ready to have kids, what if I find out I'm not fertile enough- or I'm too old and it's too late?

Exactly how I feel. What if I change my mind and then can't get pregnant and regret waiting so long! Oh well....life is too short for regrets. Have to just make choices and be okay with them.

suanna

Specializes in Post Anesthesia. Has 30 years experience.

It's a shame there isn't a way to rent a toddler say, for a 6mos lease. If you find kids aren't your cup of tea, you can turn them back in for a full refund of your security deposit. Like'em, and you can finance for the full parenting package. Warning, teen years the warranty runs out. For me- I don't know how my parents lived through 7 children. I don't think my parents even liked kids- they were just an unfortunate side effect of coitus. For me, I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with my two girls, but I'm a grandfather now and my glasses are much more rose colored than they were when I had two premenstrual teens sparring with my wife.

They are work, but the joy and satisfaction I got from my raising my daughters was the only rays of sunshine when the job became a daily stent in purgatory. Kids give you perspective on what is really important in this world, and it sure isn't the endless debate of BSN vs AD vs Diploma, or why my floor always gets short staffed when there are call offs.

LouBean

Has 1 years experience.

This doesn't address your question exactly, but I feel I should add this particular sentiment:

I don't care how many books you've read, baby dolls you've swaddled, or nieces/nephews you've sent to timeout -- no one, NO ONE, is truly "ready" to have kids.

Ruby Vee, BSN

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching. Has 40 years experience.

There are plenty of people who have kids who shouldn't . . . we see them every day in our inner city ER. And there are plenty of people who would be wonderful parents who don't have kids, whether by choice or happenstance. I left home at the age of 17 to escape the beatings. Child abuse is cyclical, and when I married at 21, I was determined to break the cycle by not having children. I think it was a good choice at that time.

Years later, I wanted children but due to cervical cancer, wasn't able to have them. I spent years (and all of my savings) trying to adopt as a single woman, but in those days, thirty was "too old" to become a single mother, and I was well into my 30s. In my early 40s, with my current wonderful husband, my GYN thought she could help me get pregnant, so I again went into debt for fertility treatments. Also unsuccessful. And you know what? It's OK.

I have a beautiful, smart step-daughter, and watching her makes me realize that there's no guaruntee I won't be lonely in my old age, and wouldn't be no matter how many children I had. She has barely any interest in her father or me beyond the checkbook. She's through college and on her own now, and so are we. She lives 18 miles away and called once during the time I was going through breast cancer and my husband was working full time AND trying to take care of me.

Evidently kids weren't meant to be a part of my life, but that doesn't mean I don't have a full and happy life. The key is to make up your mind to enjoy the blessings you DO have and not regret the ones you DON'T. And make up your OWN mind whether or not you want the responsibility of children -- it's not up to you to make your parents grandparents. It's your decision, not your mother's, not your husband's and not anyone else's. (ALthough I would hope that no one got married without discussion whether or not you wanted kids, when and how many.)