Unsure of wanting kids

RNbygrace13 · Jun 28, 2014

I will preface this with I do have kids. 2 toddlers. I also completely understand not wanting to have them and see nothing wrong with that choice it is by far and away the hardest job I have ever had. I knew I wanted kids the same way I knew I wanted to marry my husband, I just couldn't see my life another way. Its okay to be selfish, we all are, you just need to understand that have kids will make you selfless in a way you never thought possible. You make pretty much every choice for 2 and that doesn't end when you give birth. I love my children and I love devoting my life to pouring joy into them and teaching them to be responsible and loving. However, I do not recommend having kids to anyone. Just like I think being a nurse is great and noble I wouldn't just make a blanket recommendation to be a nurse and say if you don't you're a bad person.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Jun 28, 2014

I still feel that way, and I'm on my sixth grandchild! LOL

Seriously, you have to listen to your heart on this one. Most of us who are parents aren't truly "ready" to have kids until the moment that first child draws his or her first breath. Then they put the tiny baby in our arms and we suddenly realize that WE are responsible for whether s/he lives or dies. That's scary!

But then we take a big, deep breath, hold our noses, and jump into parenthood. I have to tell you that there is no secret to it, and there's no magic bullet---it's one day at a time, one crisis at a time, one sloppy, wet little-kid kiss at a time. And when all is said and done, there's a piece of immortality running around out there creating his or her own family and ensuring that you will live on well past the day they put you in the ground.

In short: YES, it's worth it. :yes:

RNbygrace13 · Jun 28, 2014

I still feel that way, and I'm on my sixth grandchild! LOL
Seriously, you have to listen to your heart on this one. Most of us who are parents aren't truly "ready" to have kids until the moment that first child draws his or her first breath. Then they put the tiny baby in our arms and we suddenly realize that WE are responsible for whether s/he lives or dies. That's scary!

But then we take a big, deep breath, hold our noses, and jump into parenthood. I have to tell you that there is no secret to it, and there's no magic bullet---it's one day at a time, one crisis at a time, one sloppy, wet little-kid kiss at a time. And when all is said and done, there's a piece of immortality running around out there creating his or her own family and ensuring that you will live on well past the day they put you in the ground.
In short: YES, it's worth it.

Lol I often find myself staring and my children thinking... am I sure I can do this? Glad to know that never lets up :)

saraCOS · Jun 28, 2014

I guess I can add something from the child-free community. I'm 31, happily married and have never really wanted kids. I've entertained the idea on occasion, but as I have gotten older, progressed in my career, seen the sacrifices and stress of my procreating friends, I'm unconvinced. I have also seen the things parents go through when things go wrong with those "best laid plans" I have a number of people in my life who have lovely kids and let me hang out from time to time, but I think my time and efforts are going to stay wholly in the adult world. It is not a totally easy decision, and I wonder sometimes how I will feel when I'm 60. But you have to listen to your heart, and to your partner. It's just like all the rest of life's tough choices, I wish you luck with yours.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Jun 28, 2014

I am voluntarily part of the childless community. I don't really want kids.

Almost anyone can have a child after 20 minutes of passion. However, not everyone can be a good parent. I've seen a staggering number of people put their own needs, wants, desires, addictions, stupidity and poor decision making above the best interests of their children and it is a crying shame.

Raising children to become emotionally healthy adults who successfully launch into adulthood requires maturity, sacrifice, empathy, warmth, consistency, responsiveness and money. I have the maturity and money, but for personal reasons I am not willing to sacrifice my freedom to become a mother.

I salute all the parents out there who do their jobs well, for these people are parenting the next generation of adults.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · Jun 28, 2014

I just had my first, he was a surprise baby.

I thought much like you. I want to focus on me, have me time & not be responsible for anyone. I liked spending time with other people's kids because I could give then back/leave. But having your own child is completely different & a love I've never felt before.

But saying all that it is a personal decision only you can make.

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN · Jun 28, 2014

My children are my greatest joy. Is it hard? Yes. Does it require sacrifice? Yes Is it exhausting? Yes. Would I do it again..absolutely.

Is it for everybody? NO!

I have family that chose not to have children and they are perfectly happy.

Have children only IF it is absolutely what you want and not because you think you should or might be lonely.

j0yegan · Jun 28, 2014

My heart is telling me to have kids. My brain is the problem. I'm thinking about it too much I think. Maybe I should wait a couple years and see how I feel. I just really enjoy my freedom! I can have days when I don't feel like doing anything! People do say having kids is worth it and completely changes your perspective...

But... what if I even have a child with a debilitating disability or something? All this is so scary.

enuf_already · Jun 28, 2014

OP, first let me say I commend you for even taking the time to think about such a huge life altering decision. You are not being selfish if you decide not to have children! You should not have children so people can be grandparents or they will be there for you when you are 80. Look in the nursing homes and see how well that worked out for some people ;-)

Children change your life forever. My sibling is child free and travels, lives a pick up and go at a moment's notice life (minus work commitments). I, on the other hand, had a child I very much wanted. My child has significant disabilities.

My child will never live independently, will always require care, and will not be caring for me when I am 80. If I live that long from the stress, I will continue to worry about what will happen to my child when his parents are gone (yes, we have plan B, C, & D). I love this child more than life itself. My child has taught me so much more than I could have imagined but I find myself physically, financially, and emotionally drained at times. Knowing this going in, I would still do it over in a heartbeat.

Working less than full time for us is not an option (another thing to consider when you are deciding) and trying to find someone to care for our child when we are not home has been extremely challenging.

Whatever your decision, make sure it is the right decision for you. If the answer is yes, go in with your eyes and your heart wide open. If the answer is no, that's fine too!

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN · Jun 28, 2014

My heart is telling me to have kids. My brain is the problem. I'm thinking about it too much I think. Maybe I should wait a couple years and see how I feel. I just really enjoy my freedom! I can have days when I don't feel like doing anything! People do say having kids is worth it and completely changes your perspective...
But... what if I even have a child with a debilitating disability or something? All this is so scary.

It is scary. You are taking the first step in recognizing what a responsibility it is.

I was 37 and 38 when I had my children. I had amniocentesis for both. My husband and I had discussed what our alternatives would be...for example microcephaly/anacephaly...and based our decision on much thought and soul searching what would be best for our family.

I am blessed with 2 wonderful children who are blessedly healthy.

When my sister decided she didn't want children she was young...I encouraged her to do nothing permanent until later in life.

She is happily childless pushing 50. She is successful, she and her hubby travel, she takes care of our Mom and her sisters....and much loved by her nieces and nephew. She doesn't need children she "borrows" my other sisters girls and my two.

There is no real rush...women are having babies later and later. ((HUGS))

MrsICURN14 · Jun 28, 2014

I'm so glad I found this thread.

I've been having the same thoughts lately and I'll be 30 in October so I know that I need to decide sometime soon. In my late 20s I went back and forth a lot, but I knew I still had a while to decide and I guess I hoped/assumed when I got older I would just be ready.

Well I've been married 4 years, just graduated nursing school and got my first nursing job and I still am nowhere near ready. Everyone expects us to have babies now that I'm done with school, but I think I had episodes of baby fever more IN school than I do now.

I didn't work for 3 years through my BSN program, and now that we have a dual income again we can go back to traveling and enjoying things more without worrying about money, and the last thing I want is to have a baby because there goes all that "new" disposable income. Plus being a new nurse in an ICU internship I'm always overwhelmed. when I get home I want to sit on the couch and not move and go to bed at 8pm. Almost every night I think to myself OMG I can't imagine having a kid to take care of right now and being any more exhausted than I already am. Like right now....it's 10am on a Saturday and I'm still laying in bed cuddling with my dog and I have all day to do whatever I want. It's hard because when I think about kids right now all I think about is giving all that up. Sigh.

I think my husband is more ready than I am. I just don't think he understands quite how life changing it will be.

Glad I'm not alone!!