Unsupportive spouse?

caroladybelle, BSN, RN · May 12, 2015

It is sorta crazy how this thread turned into a thread on abuse. Listen what one women can handle another maybe can't. To each is own. It isn't as simple as just leaving..there are kids involved. She is trying to do this after having all of the kids. Was this discussed when they got married and after the kids? Maybe he would have been more supportive if you wouldn't have had the kids first. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. There are nurses that hate their jobs...their kids are running amok while they are working their 12 hr shifts and they are just plain miserable. I hope you have a great system in place if you decide to leave this man. Think it through thoroughly because if there is no real abuse and you are doing this for the wrong reasons, you and your kids will suffer down the road. Money doesn't fix everything. A stable home for the kids is priceless and if you have enough money to live comfortably then learn to be happy. Just so you know a job can be like a marriage and a marriage like a job. If you want out of this without giving it your all..who is to say you won't feel the same way when you start working as a nurse and the stress starts getting to you? Seems like everything was ok before because you kept having his kids. Why wasn't he a problem after the first or second one? Now all of a sudden things are an issue..hmm. Now you want him to change so you can go to nursing school but you didn't ask him to change after the first child, lol. Wow!

The problem occurred after he asked her to start working and couldn't figure out that she couldn't telepathically start dinner, do laundry and care for the children at home while physically at work. Then he becomes upset and gets her to quit. And then wants her to work, but not get the schooling that would improve her job prospects. If you note, she was happy as a SAHM. He was the one that wants her to work and nags whether she works or not.

Second, they have had several children in a short period of time. She didn't make them by herself, so he certainly has a responsibility to help raise them, upon occasion clean up after them and feed them. If he doesn't want more children at this time, then HE should be discussing it with her and HE should take precautions not to have more. Condoms are cheap and do not require a prescription, risk cancer, cause damage to internal organs, increase risks of strokes or DVTs, and he can't claim that he was "set up" if a baby shows up.

And if he wants her to work or not work, once the decision is made, he needs to stop nagging and do his share of cooking, cleaning and childcare, without any complaint. She has done what he wished, he has no right to be angry at anyone but himself.

I believe that he thought that housework and childcare was easy until he had to do it.

Red Kryptonite · May 12, 2015

Women are emotional & men are critical.

What year is it?

And clearly, you haven't raised any teenage boys. Dear Lord I thought I would have to buy him pads at certain points! But then, he's always had permission to express his emotions in our house and not been told to bottle them up because he's a boy. My FIL had to be told explicitly that the sentence, "Big boys don't cry," is banned in our household. All human beings have the right to their full emotional range and it is maturity, not gender, that teaches one to keep them under control and express them appropriately. (PS so looking forward to my younger son becoming a teenager. Egad.)

And tell my budding female aerospace engineer/physicist how women aren't critical. Gah.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 12, 2015

What year is it?
And clearly, you haven't raised any teenage boys. Dear Lord I thought I would have to buy him pads at certain points! But then, he's always had permission to express his emotions in our house and not been told to bottle them up because he's a boy. My FIL had to be told explicitly that the sentence, "Big boys don't cry," is banned in our household. All human beings have the right to their full emotional range and it is maturity, not gender, that teaches one to keep them under control and express them appropriately.
And tell my budding female aerospace engineer/physicist how women aren't critical. Gah.

At work & general thinking, two different things. We are nurses so of course we have to think critically. But when we are just talking, when someone comes to us with a problem, we think emotionally.

I have a son, so I will raise a teenage boy.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201402/brain-differences-between-genders

lovinglife2015 · May 12, 2015

Emotions: Women typically have a larger limbic system than men, which makes them more in touch and expressive with their emotions. Women are usually more empathic and comprehensive in thinking, while men focus on exact issues and disregard impertinent information. Men have a difficult time understanding emotions not explicitly verbalized but can think more logically, while women have a more wholesome view of thinking & understanding but their emotions can sometimes influence decisions.
I know there are emotional men out there but generally the way men think is different from women. Women are emotional & men are critical.
When my husband & I went to therapy once, we talked out an issue. The was I did it was all on emotions & he did it logically. I didn't realize it until the counselor told me.

Again, that is your experience with your husband, let's not generalize.

What were you quoting from in bold? Sounds a bit outdated. There is a new generation of "metrosexual" men(heehee) that do not behave in the stereotypical 1950s mindset.

I was being sarcastic, but seriously, men and women are increasingly breaking free of strict gender roles imposed by past eras -at least in free societies like the USA.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 12, 2015

Again, that is your experience with your husband, let's not generalize.
What were you quoting from in bold? Sounds a bit outdated. There is a new generation of "metrosexual" men(heehee) that do not behave in the stereotypical 1950s mindset.
I was being sarcastic, but seriously, men and women are increasingly breaking free of strict gender roles imposed by past eras -at least in free societies like the USA.

I was giving an example of how men & women think differently. It has happened with my brother & me too.

Is 2014 that outdated? We don't realize we do it, but we do. I don't stick to gender roles, trust me. It's how we think. There are differences. It's psychology.

Gender & the Brain: Differences between Women & Men

And this is the definition of a metrosexual: noun

a young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste.

It has nothing to do with how one thinks.

allnurses Guide · May 12, 2015

What year is it?
And clearly, you haven't raised any teenage boys. Dear Lord I thought I would have to buy him pads at certain points! But then, he's always had permission to express his emotions in our house and not been told to bottle them up because he's a boy. My FIL had to be told explicitly that the sentence, "Big boys don't cry," is banned in our household. All human beings have the right to their full emotional range and it is maturity, not gender, that teaches one to keep them under control and express them appropriately. (PS so looking forward to my younger son becoming a teenager. Egad.)
And tell my budding female aerospace engineer/physicist how women aren't critical. Gah.

I've raised two sons to adult-hood and still have an almost 14 year old at home. They have emotions. I have a daughter as well.

As teens they are/were all critical-thinking boxes of emotion who have been taught not to make a decision based on emotion or how they "feel". But in the logic of the situation.

That doesn't mean they don't have emotions.

Again, generalizing drives me crazy.

I hate things like "you throw like a girl" being negative. . .well, if you throw like a girl who has been trained to throw well, then that's good!

Red Kryptonite · May 12, 2015

I was giving an example of how men & women think differently. It has happened with my brother & me too.
Is 2014 that outdated? We don't realize we do it, but we do. I don't stick to gender roles, trust me. It's how we think. There are differences. It's psychology.
Gender & the Brain: Differences between Women & Men
And this is the definition of a metrosexual: noun
a young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste.
It has nothing to do with how one thinks.

I don't deny that there are some biologically-based differences. I don't think they're quite as pronounced as the general public thinks they are. And I think each person should be approached as an individual, not held to any preconceived ideas based on stereotypes or even known differences in the limbic system. That's all.

lovinglife2015 · May 12, 2015

I was giving an example of how men & women think differently. It has happened with my brother & me too.
Is 2014 that outdated? We don't realize we do it, but we do. I don't stick to gender roles, trust me. It's how we think. There are differences. It's psychology.
Gender & the Brain: Differences between Women & Men
And this is the definition of a metrosexual: noun
a young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste.
It has nothing to do with how one thinks.

Doesn't liberalism have much to do with how one thinks?

allnurses Guide · May 12, 2015

I don't deny that there are some biologically-based differences. I don't think they're quite as pronounced as the general public thinks they are. And I think each person should be approached as an individual, not held to any preconceived ideas based on stereotypes or even known differences in the limbic system. That's all.

I agree. That leads to stereotyping the entire gender. As I said, each group is not a monolith.

caroladybelle, BSN, RN · May 12, 2015

Doesn't liberalism have much to do with how one thinks?

Talk about generalization.

"All liberals do this, all conservatives do that".

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 12, 2015

I don't deny that there are some biologically-based differences. I don't think they're quite as pronounced as the general public thinks they are. And I think each person should be approached as an individual, not held to any preconceived ideas based on stereotypes or even known differences in the limbic system. That's all.

Obviously they're not pronounced because I don't realize it & I don't think most of us realize it.

Next time someone asks you for advice & you give it, think about how you gave it. Was it more on the emotional side or logical?

lovinglife2015 · May 12, 2015

Talk about generalization.

How is my comment a generalization? Whatever political spectrum you're swayed by can affect your interactions and how you perceive the world.