Too strong of a personality?

[NICU_rn_bsn]

I need advice on how to handle a situation at work.

I was a tech on my unit for a year before becoming a RN there. I am finishing up my 6 months of my nurse residency orientation and so far have not had a single issue from my preceptors or educators regarding my progress abilities care or attitude.

Since starting as a tech a year and a half ago I have been told multiple times only by floor nurses never managers charge or educators that I have a strong personality and that I need to be careful and tone it down because it bothers other nurses. I have each time stepped back toned my personality down (side note I’ve never been told I’m being rude or disrespectful and I would never do that the only complaint is my personality is to strong) and I’ve felt like things were fine for a couple of months and yet still get told I have to strong of a personality. When it has been brought up to me it is always in regards to rumors and people’s perception of me never any specific thing I’ve done or said. And I’m up so fed up with it. I have been told I am a very good nurse and very knowledgeable in my job and never had a single complaint about my nursing care or abilities.

What should I do? should I be concerned since this has never come from management and only ever from basically the rumor mill? I just don’t know what to do it’s been a year and a half now of the same thing. I can’t keep doing this roller coaster of feeling everything is fine and then finding out people are talking behind my back.

[kp2016]

“Strong Personality” is often used to describe someone who is:

A) basically just a loud mouthed bully who management doesn’t really want to fire because insert reason - very experienced, willing to work a crap schedule, knows how to fix every imaginable problem etc

B) it’s also used against a person who refuses to be a door mat nor allow themselves to be talked down too and treated poorly by management or the clicky bullies. Someone who stands up for themselves and their patients.

The real question is are you in group A or B? If it’s A work on that as suggested by other posters. If it’s B- good for you. In my experience the more you calmly, politely but firmly stand up for yourself the better it gets for you.

[NurseBlaq]

8 hours ago, Peditra said:

I’ve had some experience with stuff like this. I told an aide I worked with years ago that she has to be careful about how she says things, that it could get her in trouble one day. I said that the way she was coming across probably wasn’t how she meant it, but that’s how it was. The reason I said it was because I was trying to help her. She was young, and it was the way she was saying things- aggressive, no filter, rude. She probably thought she was speaking the truth or telling it like it is, but it was the way it was being said. About a year later, she thanked me and said it had made her realize how she was being.

I have also been told, when I was younger, that I was intimidating and I could tell I rubbed people the wrong way sometimes. I didn’t know why because I generally had no bad intentions. But somethings people said to me made me realize how I was coming across was completely different than how I was feeling. When I am thinking about something, I come across as looking angry. I had friends, family members, and my 4 year old niece who randomly told me at times that I would look angry. It would always surprise me because I am generally easy going and I don’t get angry or anxious most of the time. But since I spend a lot of my times thinking, I guess I looked angry a lot.

The difference is you were given an explanation and backstory, OP was given none. There's a difference between legit trying to help someone and explaining the why of what you're saying to them versus just randomly saying negative things to someone with no explanation and never providing one.

[Queen Tiye, RN]

On 7/22/2020 at 8:05 PM, JKL33 said:

When people say that someone has a strong personality, they are usually referring to an unpleasant type of "strength," like being aggressive rather than simply assertive, or being free with quick retorts (often somewhat smart-alecky or sarcastic) or a know-it-all, or someone in everyone else's business, or just generally domineering.

However, people oftentimes also perceive basic assertiveness negatively, especially when they themselves are meek or unsure of themselves or anxious. That's not very fair.

If you carefully consider your interactions with others, you will know which of these two scenarios is closest to the truth. If it is the first scenario, you could probably recognize a great benefit from making some communication changes. If it's the latter, just double-check yourself, maybe soften your edges just a little and make sure you're working to develop good rapports with your coworkers. Then be who you are. If you really are just more assertive than others (but pleasantly so) then their perceptions become their problem to deal with.

Great advice. Conduct some introspection. None of us are perfect. Assertiveness is being able to communicate sincerely while being concerned for how your communication effects others. Aggressiveness is when we communicate with others with no regard for how it effects them. Assertiveness grows out of self-awareness and healthy self-esteem. Most often, aggression and rudeness is born from insecurity, and emotional immaturity. Perhaps ask one or two of the people who know you well and genuinely care about you.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

It doesn't matter what management and education think. The observation comes from your co-workers, the people you work alongside of every day. A strong personality can define many behaviors. Having a "strong personality" is code for being difficult to work with and domineering in conversations.

You have had this complaint for your one year as tech and the six months as newbie. Newbies can't try to run the show , as I highly suspect you are. Many new nurses get too big for their britches after moving up from a tech or assistant position. Seems like your britches were pretty big as a tech.

" I have each time stepped back toned my personality down (side note I’ve never been told I’m being rude or disrespectful and I would never do that the only complaint is my personality is to strong) and I’ve felt like things were fine for a couple of months ". So you see.. you know what to do.

You should have one friend on the unit that you can trust to define the issue.

[Queen Tiye, RN]

On 7/23/2020 at 1:01 PM, CarolineMcGee said:

A definition has never been given to me when I’ve asked nor have examples been given. Everyone who’s said something just says “you have a strong personality and to be careful”. The closest I’ve gotten to an example was being told that asking questions to certain people might offend them. Like asking a nurse if she knew if the medication the patient had been on ended up getting maxed out because I had put the baby on it the night before and he was very close to being maxed out when I left. But to me that has nothing to do with a strong personality and simply just a question. I never call people out or “straight shoot“ about things I’m not happy with. I think I intimidate some people because I carry myself with confidence (not cocky) which comes from having been in the military. But other than interacting with people during report or making small talk with people around me I mind my business because my unit is very clique sand like high school. There is a specific group of nurses that regard themselves as the best on our unit and feel they are smarter than anyone else and I think this is where issues are coming from. but again I mind my business and do my job and leave.

I more so wanted to know if this was something others encountered and if I was missing something. Not being given examples or a definition of how my personality is to strong frustrates me more than anything because I can’t change something that no one can give me clear examples of. But from reading these comments I think my previous conclusions over the year of this being a intimidation issue on other nurses part and not directly something I can control or fix is the most likely reason for the “strong personality “ comments. I have a very tough skin and am not upset per say about this more frustrated and confused. But I just need to remind Myself management charge and my educators have not brought this up so it’s just a gossip mill thing. If it were a true issue I wouldn’t have been hired from tech to RN I feel like.

I experienced something similar, except I caught it myself when I realized I wasn’t very popular. I realized I was a “know-it-all” and at times abrasive. It stemmed from insecurity and a sense of inferiority. I had to change, not them. I want to be someone people are comfortable around, someone who is approachable. I don’t want people to feel intimidated by me.

To an extent, it does matter how we get along with our coworkers, how we fit into the culture of our unit. If you work at a good place, then it’s quite important. When tensions run high due to insensitivity, or poor communication, it can create a hostile work environment.

This is an opportunity for personal growth, whether or not you decide to take their advice.

[sweet.tea]

Sounds like jealousy and pettiness. They're also just having a hard time getting used to your new role from tech to nurse. You continue to be confident and they will eventually get over it.

[amoLucia]

There is a problem here that I've seen bubble up in some facilities I've worked. Many facilities have policies in place that prohibits employees from being assigned to their old units when upward promotions or new job titles were involved.

Usually this was based on the belief that old friendships (or animosities) could hamper unit functioning esp when there was supervision, delegation of duties and emp evaluations involved. I've always found it to be true most of the time.

IMHO, I think it to be quite wise decision. And just to comment, the relationship is very different between employee and higher-uppers as versus employee and peers. Seems this might also be factoring in here also for OP who is facing this situation from peers.

[Peditra]

On 7/24/2020 at 5:37 PM, NurseBlaq said:

The difference is you were given an explanation and backstory, OP was given none. There's a difference between legit trying to help someone and explaining the why of what you're saying to them versus just randomly saying negative things to someone with no explanation and never providing one.

I agree when not given an explanation, it's not helpful. The people who said something to her may have been trying to help her, but if a comment is made about having a strong personality in a negative way, it needs to be followed up with specific examples. Otherwise, it's a just a comment that makes someone think ?

[amoLucia]

Pedrita - you are so correct.

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

I've also gotten the "strong personality" label, and in fact have been fired for those traits. I didn't comply when asked to practice unsafely, and I came up with some out of the box but safe solutions that I didn't run by the boss. (I work nights) Some hospital policies are ridiculous... "you must print out this report, but then you can throw it in the garbage" Insane.

I went years trying to come up with a solution without compromising safe care. I finally got better by approaching people with the assumption that they were doing their best, not that they were lazy or unknowledgeable. Yes, sometimes the negative characteristics were true, sometimes they were just doing what everyone else was, and sometimes they had a good reason. So approach them in an inquiring way, even if your frustrated or angry. Do it after the initial (aw you tit!) feeling has passed. If you think things need to change, print out the policy or recent research and give them the FYI. But move forward with the attitude that they are doing the best they can, and treat them that way.

It's made a huge difference in my work relationships. Be the person that passes on positive comments about your coworkers to the boss as well, and your concerns will be better received.

[BSN-to-MSN, ADN, BSN, RN]

On 7/22/2020 at 9:28 PM, KatieMI said:

You might also try to become a deeply needed nurse, the one who is the unquestionably best in doing something and never refuses to go and help. It practically doesn't matter matter what you choose to master to perfection - you can become an IV witch, or fix anything that beeps, or take patients nobody else wants. Doing so will take time and effort but it is a pretty effective way to shut up the talks.

This is good advice! I do something like this, never refuse to help, and my peer reviews do say "assertive" but also "team player" and "resource". The night charge nurses give me difficult "psych" patients all the time.

I interpret "strong personality" positively.

Also, remember, people like to "figure out" people, stereotype them, it re-assures. If someone does not fit one box, they are either feared, admired or hated.

[BSN-to-MSN, ADN, BSN, RN]

14 hours ago, canoehead said:

But move forward with the attitude that they are doing the best they can, and treat them that way.

Excellent point!