Too strong of a personality?

[NICU_rn_bsn]

I need advice on how to handle a situation at work.

I was a tech on my unit for a year before becoming a RN there. I am finishing up my 6 months of my nurse residency orientation and so far have not had a single issue from my preceptors or educators regarding my progress abilities care or attitude.

Since starting as a tech a year and a half ago I have been told multiple times only by floor nurses never managers charge or educators that I have a strong personality and that I need to be careful and tone it down because it bothers other nurses. I have each time stepped back toned my personality down (side note I’ve never been told I’m being rude or disrespectful and I would never do that the only complaint is my personality is to strong) and I’ve felt like things were fine for a couple of months and yet still get told I have to strong of a personality. When it has been brought up to me it is always in regards to rumors and people’s perception of me never any specific thing I’ve done or said. And I’m up so fed up with it. I have been told I am a very good nurse and very knowledgeable in my job and never had a single complaint about my nursing care or abilities.

What should I do? should I be concerned since this has never come from management and only ever from basically the rumor mill? I just don’t know what to do it’s been a year and a half now of the same thing. I can’t keep doing this roller coaster of feeling everything is fine and then finding out people are talking behind my back.

[KatieMI, BSN, MSN, RN]

1 hour ago, NurseBlaq said:

Define "strong personality".

It is a question to those who are so unhappy about said "strong personality".

I tried to figure it out several times. Usually all "concerns" come toward things ranked from enviable to petty to plain stupid. Someone knows too much, does too much, wants to know too much, asks too much, has a car too expensive, wears scrubs too poshy, closes door the wrong way, eats wrong food for lunch, breathes 0.00075777553 times/min more than we all always do here. And speaks too openly about things everybody else used to turn heads the other way.

[jetsy62]

Next time somebody makes that statement, ask them what they are referring to. The question itself may be viewed as being a "strong personality" but honestly, how are you to determine if something needs fixed and then how to fix it if no one will give examples. Just ask what they are talking about.

[JKL33]

^ Yep, very reasonable. It's only fair to expect that others would be able to include a bona fide constructive criticism (or an example that demonstrates their belief) if they wish to offer their opinion.

Good responses to the "strong personality" charge include:

"Do you mean 'strong' in a good way or a bad way?"

"Is there a particular example that could help me understand what you mean by that?"

"What kinds of things are you referring to?"

"I need more specific information. What do you mean by that?"

Etc.

Watch your tone; try to pause (be observed actually pondering what was said) and then deliver the question/response with a calm/pleasant and inquisitive tone.

[LC0929, ASN, RN, EMT-B]

JKL33, I agree, for sure and have spent several years trying to “hone in” on the only “needs improvement” piece of nearly every annual review I have received......apparently, I need to be “more diplomatic”, which is probably entirely true. I’m a work in progress, and will continue to be, I imagine, but I’ll take the hit if it means a patient gets better care. There’s a million jobs out there and I’m actually considering landscaping or going back to bar tending, LOL!! At least there’s no JHACO hoop jumping to deal with! ?

[NICU_rn_bsn, BSN]

A definition has never been given to me when I’ve asked nor have examples been given. Everyone who’s said something just says “you have a strong personality and to be careful”. The closest I’ve gotten to an example was being told that asking questions to certain people might offend them. Like asking a nurse if she knew if the medication the patient had been on ended up getting maxed out because I had put the baby on it the night before and he was very close to being maxed out when I left. But to me that has nothing to do with a strong personality and simply just a question. I never call people out or “straight shoot“ about things I’m not happy with. I think I intimidate some people because I carry myself with confidence (not cocky) which comes from having been in the military. But other than interacting with people during report or making small talk with people around me I mind my business because my unit is very clique sand like high school. There is a specific group of nurses that regard themselves as the best on our unit and feel they are smarter than anyone else and I think this is where issues are coming from. but again I mind my business and do my job and leave.

I more so wanted to know if this was something others encountered and if I was missing something. Not being given examples or a definition of how my personality is to strong frustrates me more than anything because I can’t change something that no one can give me clear examples of. But from reading these comments I think my previous conclusions over the year of this being a intimidation issue on other nurses part and not directly something I can control or fix is the most likely reason for the “strong personality “ comments. I have a very tough skin and am not upset per say about this more frustrated and confused. But I just need to remind Myself management charge and my educators have not brought this up so it’s just a gossip mill thing. If it were a true issue I wouldn’t have been hired from tech to RN I feel like.

[LC0929, ASN, RN, EMT-B]

I’m pretty sure, from reading your words, that you’re doing just fine young Lady. Some seasoned nurses don’t like to be challenged, they consider that a threat. They are well aware that the education you have received recently, has mostly outdated their own, however, they have they experience of practicing as a nurse, in circumstances similar to McGuyver, without the luxury of new technology, ie, butterflies for IV starts, lidocaine for male cath inserts, etc...those nurses have experience and should be respected, as should you. You will earn their respect, by digging in your heels and never quitting, even if you’re up to your elbows in CDIFF, keep smiling. Ask them to teach you. Some won’t, but most will. Remember that they’ve dealt with stuff we couldn’t even imagine. Lastly, I’ve found that if someone doesn’t like me, then I am purposely and exceedingly NICE to them...drives them nuts...has worked for me...?

[NurseBlaq]

4 hours ago, KatieMI said:

It is a question to those who are so unhappy about said "strong personality".

I tried to figure it out several times. Usually all "concerns" come toward things ranked from enviable to petty to plain stupid. Someone knows too much, does too much, wants to know too much, asks too much, has a car too expensive, wears scrubs too poshy, closes door the wrong way, eats wrong food for lunch, breathes 0.00075777553 times/min more than we all always do here. And speaks too openly about things everybody else used to turn heads the other way.

Sounds about accurate.

[NurseBlaq]

3 hours ago, CarolineMcGee said:

A definition has never been given to me when I’ve asked nor have examples been given. Everyone who’s said something just says “you have a strong personality and to be careful”. The closest I’ve gotten to an example was being told that asking questions to certain people might offend them. Like asking a nurse if she knew if the medication the patient had been on ended up getting maxed out because I had put the baby on it the night before and he was very close to being maxed out when I left. But to me that has nothing to do with a strong personality and simply just a question. I never call people out or “straight shoot“ about things I’m not happy with. I think I intimidate some people because I carry myself with confidence (not cocky) which comes from having been in the military. But other than interacting with people during report or making small talk with people around me I mind my business because my unit is very clique sand like high school. There is a specific group of nurses that regard themselves as the best on our unit and feel they are smarter than anyone else and I think this is where issues are coming from. but again I mind my business and do my job and leave.

I more so wanted to know if this was something others encountered and if I was missing something. Not being given examples or a definition of how my personality is to strong frustrates me more than anything because I can’t change something that no one can give me clear examples of. But from reading these comments I think my previous conclusions over the year of this being a intimidation issue on other nurses part and not directly something I can control or fix is the most likely reason for the “strong personality “ comments. I have a very tough skin and am not upset per say about this more frustrated and confused. But I just need to remind Myself management charge and my educators have not brought this up so it’s just a gossip mill thing. If it were a true issue I wouldn’t have been hired from tech to RN I feel like.

Hmm. Sounds like pettiness, cliquey behavior, or jealousy. Could also be a territorial thing. If there's no actual response, then the problem isn't yours. When I encounter situations like these and I'm asking for clarification where none is given, it's unavailable because the person making the statement realizes they don't have an answer because the problem lies within them. I would say avoid those who bring you negative replies with nothing to offer other than veiled threats or faux concern about others. No one can speak for others, they have to speak for themselves, then you can ask them to clarify and so forth and so on.

There's enough for nurses to do during a shift, nobody has time to be trying to decide who's potentially going to get offended or catch an attitude about unknown questions. How are you supposed to communicate if you can't ask questions? Medicine is the one profession where questions should be welcomed. We're dealing with people's lives, not coworker egos. People get on my second to last nerve sometimes. SMH

[Guest219794]

Pretty sure that when you got the feedback about a "strong personality", it was not this online definition:

A strong personality is one that has the traits of being self motivated, not needing the approval of others, holds oneself accountable, not needing attention all the time, is also a good active listener.

The fact that you have been told that your behavior should change as it bothers other nurses indicates that it is worth a look. The fact that it was couched in positive terms means that you may have the right idea, but the wrong approach.

Find a supervisor you trust, and push for good, honest feedback. Then listen, don't defend or explain. Do a "readback", so you truly understand the criticism.

[CommunityRNBSN, BSN, RN]

I have the opposite of a strong personality. I am a shrinking violet. But what I CAN tell you is that, this nonsense where people say “Oh just be careful when you ask questions to so-and-so”— that is high-school clique nonsense. You’re an adult and you have the right to ask questions of who ever you please, whether that is the grumpy CNA or the head of neurosurgery. Anyone telling you “Watch out for XYZ person” is really telling you “Watch out for ME because I am the type who likes to gossip and start trouble.”

[Peditra]

I’ve had some experience with stuff like this. I told an aide I worked with years ago that she has to be careful about how she says things, that it could get her in trouble one day. I said that the way she was coming across probably wasn’t how she meant it, but that’s how it was. The reason I said it was because I was trying to help her. She was young, and it was the way she was saying things- aggressive, no filter, rude. She probably thought she was speaking the truth or telling it like it is, but it was the way it was being said. About a year later, she thanked me and said it had made her realize how she was being.

I have also been told, when I was younger, that I was intimidating and I could tell I rubbed people the wrong way sometimes. I didn’t know why because I generally had no bad intentions. But somethings people said to me made me realize how I was coming across was completely different than how I was feeling. When I am thinking about something, I come across as looking angry. I had friends, family members, and my 4 year old niece who randomly told me at times that I would look angry. It would always surprise me because I am generally easy going and I don’t get angry or anxious most of the time. But since I spend a lot of my times thinking, I guess I looked angry a lot.

I also would say things matter of fact, and didn’t smile much. I was more serious, so when I said stuff, it probably came out more serious than I meant it. That, combined with looking angry didn’t help. I also realized if I was better at something than them, some people didn’t care, but some wouldn’t like it.

Now that I’m older, this is how I feel. If multiple people have told you the same thing, try to figure out how you are coming across. They could be jealous, mean, or they could just be trying to help you. Maybe a mix of both. I don’t know what they meant, but sometimes it’s how someone comes across that is the problem. I’ve learned that I can be confident and assertive without being aggressive, condescending, or coming off the wrong way. I’ve learned to relax my face, smile more, always help out and be patient when people are asking me things- even if the answer is so obvious to me. I also do chit-chat if time allows (work comes first).

And it has helped a lot…in my early years, I did not get along with a lot of people, but now I pretty get along with almost everybody. Now nurses will come to me for help when they don’t feel confident about something because they know I will help them without judging them or making them feel stupid, and I’ve gotten to know them more as individuals, and it has really helped with workplace vibes and the feeling that you and your coworkers work well together and help each other out.

Yes, I know everyone want’s to be their own person and doesn’t want to conform, especially americans. But lets face it, everyone does conform to some degree to society, their friends, family and in the workplace. In every relationship, there has to be some bending on both sides in order to make the relationship work. Nursing is also a small world…Nurses, aides, doctors, therapists, etc.- you will see the same people at different jobs and your reputation will follow you. Yes, you are paid to do your job, but getting along with your co-workers helps you and helps them. I’ve worked in places that were hard, but everyone got along and had each others back and it made working there so much better than an easy place where no one got along.

You mentioned it another post that you had said something to a nurse on if she knew some medication was almost maxed out. It may have been the way it was said. I would have said something like, “You know, I noticed when I was giving the med yesterday, it was almost maxed out.” I would have said it in a casual way and then looked to the other nurse. That would have given them the option to say they noticed that too, or that they didn’t, but both of you could double check. If you ask them if they knew about something, it can put them on the defensive because it implies that they should have noticed something that they didn’t. It makes them seem incompetent and then it makes them defensive. But if you say you noticed something, but don’t say it in a judgmental way, it leaves an opening for them to respond, but not defensively. Focus your statements on yourself vs on them, you know what I mean?

Sorry for the long post….they could be just being mean, but assuming they are not, this could be chance for some self reflection. People can be strong, confident, and express their views without coming across as aggressive, too strong, or just wrong. Someone can be a damn good nurse, but if they don’t get along with their co-workers, it can be real drain on the team dynamics.

And just something to remember, just because you don’t hear from higher ups doesn’t mean they don’t know what other people think of you. They know…work isn’t just about the actual work itself, it’s also about workplace relationships, workplace tension, teamwork, etc. If people had to choose between a nurse who was excellent, but that most people did not like, or choose a nurse who was not as good, but that everyone liked, who do you think they would choose?

[llg, PhD, RN]

1 hour ago, Peditra said:

And just something to remember, just because you don’t hear from higher ups doesn’t mean they don’t know what other people think of you. They know…work isn’t just about the actual work itself, it’s also about workplace relationships, workplace tension, teamwork, etc. If people had to choose between a nurse who was excellent, but that most people did not like, or choose a nurse who was not as good, but that everyone liked, who do you think they would choose?

I didn't quote the whole, long post -- but I could have. It is a great post and I hope a lot of people read it. Work isn't just about taking care of the patients, it is also about being a good member of the team. It's in your self-interest to do some reflection and make sure that you are doing your best to be seen as useful to the team.