Things pts say that make you scratch your head.

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Specializes in Med/Surg & Hospice & Dialysis.

1.) "I am very health conscious, and a bit of a germaphobe"

+ for cocaine.

2.) " I can't breathe, the nebs don't help, I'm allergic to steroids, because they made me swell"

Me: do you feel like your cant catch your breath, or can you not breathe through your nose?

"Can't breathe through my nose." (Sats 97%)

Now, she was wheezy, and I really think a hit of steroids would make her feel a ton better, but I guess breathing is secondary to swelling...

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I had the parent of a neuro-devastated pediatric patient (who had been that way since birth but had survived a long time) tell me that the child had a drug problem and they were homosexual. The parent was not joking or being sarcastic.

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Mom of my 3y/o pt: What's his temperature?

Me: 98.3

Mom: oh my god, it's going up!

Me: um, going up from what? That's a very normal temperature.

Mom: you need to get a different nurse in here. You and I are not communicating.

Me: ???

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"Unhook me from that IV pole, I feel like a damn pin cushion"

- IV heroin drug user with multiple admissions for cellulitis

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Some patients are so funny!

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I work same day surgery, (out patient surgery). A healthy intelligent appearing adult male was having hernia surgery. In pre-op I was telling him something about he would get to take our slipper socks home.

He said "But I won't be able to walk after surgery!"

I was really speechless, I assume he thought he would be bed bound for ???several days??? post op? I could hardly keep a straight face as I tried to calmly convince him we would not send him home until he could walk (although we would take him to his car in a wheel chair) and that walking about the house would be encouraged after surgery.

No he was not having a spinal!

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Speaking with a guardian on the phone regarding their grandchild in my care at school.

Guardian: What's her temperature?

Me: 99.3

Guardian: OMG! I'm on my way to take her

To the doctor right now before she has a febrile seizure!

As a school nurse they are always overprotective or I'm having to send the school officer to their home to wake them up to make them come get their kid running a 103 temp with them asking me "Can't I just give them Tylenol and send them back to class?" I would love to have something in the middle for once! Lol

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Specializes in Pediatric Cardiology.

I had a patient that was a "vegan" and trying to order lunch from a heart healthy menu. There are some high sodium items that you can't have with this diet, pizza and pancakes being two of them.

BREAKFAST

Patient: Call the doctor, they won't let me order pancakes. They are telling me I need to order French toast.

Me: You don't like French toast?

Patient: No, I don't eat fetuses and French toast is full of them!

LUNCH

Patient is again having trouble with the menu.

Me: What are you trying to order?

Patient: (goes on rant about not being able to eat, this, that, cheese, and bread) All I want is a cheese pizza!

Me: ??

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Had a pt come in from ER to the floor with a BP of something like 210/110. The pt was on Cardene, and of course the ER sent them up with about 10cc of Cardene left in the bag. (The gtt was already at 100ml/hr, 10mg/hr)

While I'm rushing trying get another bag and hang it the pt angrily says "I'm hungry! I've been sitting in that damned ER all day with no food. What y'all got up here??...when ya gonna feed me?!"

Me: I slide over the BP machine and say see your BP? You could have a stroke, let me start the meds before I can get you something to eat

Pt: HMMMMMMMMMMM!

My thoughts: W T F is wrong with you lady???

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COPD'er with no known family, just off the vent after 4 days.

Pt: No. I don't smoke.

Me: Did you smoke in the past?

Pt: I used to hang on to a cigarette almost all day, but I never inhaled.

Me: A lit cigarette? Did you bring it to your lips? How many a day would you light?

Pt: Yes, lit. Of course I brought it to my mouth but I didn't take a deep breath while it was there, it just sat between my lips when I needed my hands. I usually used 1-2 packs a day. I'm a very nervous person and I needed my hands to be busy all the time.

Obviously, attempts at eduction were rebuffed.

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Specializes in Med/Surg,Cardiac.

"My daughter is a CNA and she never complains about having to start an IV on tiny veins." ugh. Yeahhhh...

"I know you just gave me trazadone, klonopin, and vicodin. But can't I have an ambien too?"

"I need something to help my pain when I pee. I've peed 10 times and have barely gone." ten minutes later I enter with a bladder scanner and in and out cath. "I don't need that, it just hurts when I pee. I need a pain shot." ugh. Why did I just walk across the hospital for this bladder scanner when you were going to refuse it and just wanted iv pain medicine.

~ No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent -Eleanor Roosevelt ~

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I was bathing an 89yr old patient once and was cleaning his private/groin area. He said, "They don't work anymore!" I said, "Really?" He said, "Yeah they are too old!"

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