Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in ER!.

If you have an IUD, try to avoid intercourse with men who have member rings. Hoops, especially, are mightily attracted to those little strings. However, please don't take this advice to mean you should perform a quick at-home trim on your own with your nail scissors.

If you brother tells you to put BBs in your ear to see how many you can fit in there, there's nothing saying you have to do it.

Drink your beer and smoke your pot AFTER your skateboard ride/last ski run/night-time hike in the mountains. Regardless of what manner of wildlife you may encounter on your hike, it is strongly recommended that you don't "just try to see how close you can get to it"

If you see your mule in the corn crib and he's not supposed to be there, sneaking up behind him and screaming is neither the safest or most effective means of removing him from said corn crib.

You're absolutely right- aspirin IS an effective contraceptive... if you place it between your knees every morning and hold it there firmly throughout your waking hours. Sadly, neither Coke or orange juice douches can claim any contraceptive properties at all.

If you just cannot stand that "not so fresh" feeling and must douche, please keep in mind that this product is intended for a single use only.

If you have been having frequent unprotected sex and have noticed you haven't had a period in a while, pregnancy is a strong possibility. Additionally, if you don't know who the father is, asking your nurse if she knows is unlikely to provide any answers.

The "that's my story and I'm sticking to it" defense may be a time-honored one, but claims of virginity uttered repeatedly in the face of a positive hcg tend to fall on deaf ears.

Noxema is recommended for relief of mild sunburn pain, but it will NOT help your yeast infection. I know it burns down there, but it's just not the same kind of burn.

Exchanging mouth-to-mouth kisses with a parrot is seldom a good plan, especially when you have previously acknowledged that said parrot does not like you.

Allowing your new adult python to become acquainted with you by sniffing your hands, redolent with the scent of raw chicken, almost never has good results.

Cows may be domesticated, but very few have really had adequate training under saddle. Even fewer have ever expressed a desire to jump fences, and their enthusiasm tends to be further dampened by the presence of a passenger.

When you attempt to top off your gas tank and turning your little gas can upside down produces only a couple of drops come out, the safest assumption is that it is empty. Please do not verify this by trying to see the inside of the can with a lighter.

When leaving the hospital with your newborn, please remember: a duffel bag is no substitute for an approved car seat.

If, when you present to L&D, you have pre-medicated yourself with Xanax, pot, left-over prescription cough suppressants, or any combination thereof "to take the edge off", this definitely falls under the heading of "Information We Need"

Most importantly, when your inebriated friends utter such phrases as "Hey, y'all watch this!" a prudent pal will recognize these as rather famous last words.

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Originally posted by TennNurse

If you just cannot stand that "not so fresh" feeling and must douche, please keep in mind that this product is intended for a single use only.

OMG! :eek: YUCK! 'Nuff said.

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Your nurse and her colleagues are NOT Satanic priests and priestesses who are going to sacrifice you at dawn and then eat your heart.

Taking six aspirins and showing up in ER with an overdose because you broke up with your girlfriend does not garner you much sympathy.

Thank you so much for this thread! I can't stop reading! Nursemouse.:D

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boy was this teenager sorry------never masturbate using a pizza dough kneader!!!!!!!!!

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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
Originally posted by pwp1289

boy was this teenager sorry------never masturbate using a pizza dough kneader!!!!!!!!!

How the HECK does someone get this idea???? lol

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:eek: :confused:

How in the world do people come up with these ideas!!!

Did Mom drop them on their heads!!! or is their gene pool just a mud puddle....

WTF!!!!:rotfl:

and just think...we are driving on the open roads with these people!!!!!:chair: :uhoh21:

and....treating them in our offices and ER's and hospitals!!!!

(and paying for most of this with our tax dollars !!!!):angryfire

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Specializes in NICU.

If you decide to go skinny-dipping at night in the neighbor's pool, be careful where you leave your clothes. A 16y/o acquired a black widow spider bite...on his member!:imbar :rolleyes: Explain THAT to your parents during the night :chair: .....go to ER, be admitted to peds.....ouchy!

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I'm no expert here but, it's my inderstanding that they have the rodents "de-toothed and de-clawed"?!?!

Originally posted by RN-PA

I agree. I also always thought they were urban legends and if not, animal abuse.

I never could understand how you could get a small rodent in there without it biting with those sharp little teeth or that it would immediately suffocate....

Ewwwww.

Sad.

I need to step out for some fresh air.

:stone

(By the way, I'm LOVING this thread! :D )

:eek: :eek:
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Specializes in ED staff.

do not insert a semicid spermicidal suppository into your urinary meatus

do not assume you are "going thru the change" when you suddenly stop having a period when you are 43.

do not assume that your calan sr 240 has "cured" your hypertension and stop taking it, same can be said of insulin.

do not have a baby with a man (or a woman)who has already been in jail for molesting children.

don't leave your alzheimer's stricken mom with a gi bleed unattended, with the door closed, without telling someone.

do not leave your 7 year old in charge of your 4, 3, and 6 month old children.

do not try to "bake" the pain out of your chest for 2 days with hot wet rags when you are really having an MI.

throwing up once does not mean you need to go to the er for iv fluids.

if you are in the hospital for hyperemesis when you are pregnant, make sure the nurse is all the way out the door after injecting you with phenergan before getting in the bottom drawer of the bedside table to grab your potato chips.

showing the er security guard that you are carrying a weapon does not get your wife seen any faster.

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Originally posted by nursemouse

Your nurse and her colleagues are NOT Satanic priests and priestesses who are going to sacrifice you at dawn and then eat your heart.

Well, that all depends on where you work....;)

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Quote from Lilgirl:

"do not assume you are "going thru the change" when you suddenly stop having a period when you are 43. "

ummm, ya . . . right. :imbar

I had irregular periods starting at 42 and thought I was pre-menopausal, bled for 16 days once, had Q2week periods for a couple of months, didn't get my period for 36 days and on a whim, took a preggers test which came back positive WHEN I WAS 43.

Never say never. . . . .:chuckle (see child to your left)

steph

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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
Originally posted by Big Bab's

I'm no expert here but, it's my inderstanding that they have the rodents "de-toothed and de-clawed"?!?!

:eek: :eek:

Even more reason to consider the rodent up the butt as animal abuse.

(edited: 'fonsider' is not a word)

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