Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

When you buy a motorcycle, the first time you ride it is advisable that you wear a helmet and that it preferably not be raining - however the rain does make it more exciting (as does not wearing a helmet) - it provides for good leg fractures

We used to refer to those crotch rocket motorcycles as "Donor-cycles"....Erin

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Specializes in obstetrics(high risk antepartum, L/D,etc.

:rotfl: :rotfl: This brings to mind the young couple that found that plastic wrap does not make a good emergency condom. :roll The paramedics that answered the 911 were still laughing when they arrived at ER!:) The ER doc found it difficult to "break the seal"!:chuckle :chuckle

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Jrnalist2RNinOR said:

When you have been smoking pot and slam your finger in the car door it may be funny tonight - but you wont find it nearly as funny tomorrow

:rotfl: :rotfl:

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I wont divulge - but did you know patients give advice to other patients who are in the same room? I don't know, maybe I am just 'lucky'.

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Specializes in IMCU/Telemetry.

Don't leave a dripping washcloth that has been in the toilet anywhere near a confused old lady, while you go get a laundry cart and she has her teeth in her hand.:imbar

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Specializes in Case Management, Home Health, UM.

Stay away from lawnmower edges infected with MRSA. My home care patient had just had a TKR, scratched his knee on a lawnmower he was fiddling with, and wound up not only losing the new joint that had just been installed, but being placed on Vancomycin for over two months....:o

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here's a few

don't tell an er nurse you were trying to squirt lotion up your butt because you were constipated - when we see the 8" bottle on the xray in your rectum (we know it didn't slip up there)

do not use live eels during sex - they bite

do not swallow an oscar fish on a dare - it will bristle in your throat and kill you

do not attempt to circumcise yourself - it's real ugly

i will reitterate a previous threat- don't run from police dogs - you will lose

do not insert raquetballs in your rectum - they don't come back out on their own...

a firepoker up the butt - NOT a good idea

please don't pull all your eyelashes out in front of me to convince me you are insane - it grosses me out.

believe it or not - seen these all.....learned alot!!

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more things I have learned as a nurse....

The OB vacuum extractor will remove a 16 oz dr pepper bottle from a man's rectum as easy as it does a baby from a woman's lady parts.

Don't bring your 13 year old to the er at 3am to have her tested for Mad Cow disease for the doc will have to explain the only clear test is to cut off said daughters head and send it to the state lab for confirmation.

Don't flirt with your friends man at the bar she will proceed to lay you out in front of everyone, even though she just got out of the hospital the day before from having a c-section.

Just because you hear a knock on your door and you have warrants for your arrest, don't assume it is the cops and swallow your whole stash of meth. The resulting tartative dyskensia makes for a great show for the nurses but freaks out your boyfriend.

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"If you have a medication allergy, don't take the medication again just to see what will happen."

oh i just had to close my eyes and shake my head at myself when i read this one, i did this once with percocet. i had been taking one at a time for a day or so, and having no problems, then took two when i had worse pain and then got a big rash and terrible itching. i did suspect the percocet, but after a few days off of it, took 2 again to see what would happen. never again!!! LOL

:rolleyes: what a dope i was.....

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:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Imastork

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Specializes in ORTHOPAEDICS-CERTIFIED SINCE 89.

Never decide to hide your drug money wallet in the ceiling while you go to surgery. Hard to explain to security why you came back a week later and tried to force a patient out of bed to get it.

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Long Term Care.
Originally posted by Hellllllo Nurse

I always thought those gerbil-in-the-rectum stories were urban legends.

These things really go on, huh?:o

Animal abuse.

I agree. I also always thought they were urban legends and if not, animal abuse.

I never could understand how you could get a small rodent in there without it biting with those sharp little teeth or that it would immediately suffocate....

Ewwwww.

Sad.

I need to step out for some fresh air.

:stone

(By the way, I'm LOVING this thread! :D )

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