Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in acute care.
Don't rip your new pacemaker out, and cut the wires, then go to the Dr's office and say "I found this." You might end up with MRSA in the wound, and be stuck in hospital for 3 weeks waiting for the infection to clear up to get a new one.

Very bad idea for sure! What exactly was the situation behind this one?

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Specializes in 6 years of ER fun, med/surg, blah, blah.
Don't rip your new pacemaker out, and cut the wires, then go to the Dr's office and say "I found this." You might end up with MRSA in the wound, and be stuck in hospital for 3 weeks waiting for the infection to clear up to get a new one.

I can imagine being the Triage nurse that day & hearing that story & then giving report to the Doc & RN taking that patient.....OMG!:nono: :uhoh3: :smackingf

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Specializes in IMCU/Telemetry.
Very bad idea for sure! What exactly was the situation behind this one?

He wasn't my pt, but I was charge so got to meet him. He was totally demented, and from what I heard, he just kept picking at the site until he "found" the pacemaker. He decided it shouldnt be there and lifted out and cut the wires. he went to the follow up appt a few days later and showed the DR what he "found.

Needless to say, after he got the new one, he was sent to rehab until the wound healed.

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Specializes in Rural.
Do not use a fry daddy as an attempt for suicide.

What's a "fry daddy?" :confused:

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Specializes in ICU/CCU, CVICU, Trauma.

Always blow out the flame first if you have a beard and are drinking flaming shots of tequila. :no:

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Specializes in TCU,ICU,OHRR,PACU,5Solid Organ Transplan.

Don't stick an oblong paper weight up your rectum, then...

Never tell your wife that you need to go to the ED because you are having an uncomfortable sensation... the guy ended up being transferred to another hospital for surgery.

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Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.

I'm sure you've just about all heard this one... "I slipped and fell in the tub and that toilet plunger handle just lodged itself right up my rear end." :trout: :rolleyes: We just had one of those on the surgical unit a few weeks ago. :nono:

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Specializes in Psychiatric.

NEVER try to sneak up on the police with a sword and a hammer...you WILL be maced for this and taken to the psych ward.

Do NOT store your cigarettes/crack pipes/lighter/whatever in your lady parts.

Human feces does NOT make a great art medium, even if you are able to draw large letters all over your room with it.

Don't hand the nurse a paper bag full of poo and ask her to 'save it for the Christmas tree.'

Don't try to lance your 5 day-old spider bite with your favorite sewing needle...you will have one narly hole in your stomach and an infection to match!

Your rectum is not a good place to store the razorblades you snuck into the psych ward in order to slit your wrists with later.

Even if you DO manage to swallow 34 screws, we WILL get them out one way or another.

Hitting your nurse with the unit telephone, oddly enough, does NOT result in the doors to the psych ward being unlocked...it DOES result in a stay in the seclusion room and a longer vacation with us on the psych ward.

Coffee should not be taken intraveneously.

Don't drink the 12 cartons of milk in the dayroom fridge and then try to throw a book at your nurse when she tells you that the dietary office will not send up more until 0600. It won't get you anywhere. (I do have to hand it to him though...he did apologize later! lol)

Don't try to heat up an animal cracker in the microwave for 4 minutes, and then stare blankly when the fire alarms go off and the entire ward has to be evacuated by the fire department, and when confronted with said animal cracker, which has now become a black stain in the microwave, don't say 'I thought it might taste better.'

Don't take 50 200-mg Seroquel tablets and get high on meth at the same time in an attempt to kill yourself because your husband doesn't support your meth habit. The results are NOT nice.

The guys on CNN are actually aliens sent here from North Korea who are brainwashing us all! (gosh I miss that pt! lol)

Don't jump off the tallest bridge in town and get mad when you get to the ER and (suprisingly) have no injury, yet you have to be admitted to the psych ward.

Rat poison is NOT a good cure for 'those voices', no matter what your other voices say. Neither is boiled urine.

If you do manage to run out the open door of the psych ward and a massive hospital-wide search ensues, do NOT threaten to jump from the parking garage when you are found...the fire department does NOT appreciate this sort of thing.

Do NOT cut open your Fentanyl patch and suck the stuff out of it!

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never use nitro paste as a rash cream

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.

OK, I have to admit that I'm married to this one!

Don't operate on your big toe callouses with dirty snippers not intended for use on the human body. Particularly not if you're diabetic.

Then please, please don't tell everyone you meet in the hospital that your wife is a nurse!!! :chair:

The first part bought him a few days in the hospital on IV antibiotics. He still has the toe.

The whole episode had me contemplating murder. :lol_hitti

"I've been doing it for months and nothing ever happened before" does not make me happier. :angryfire

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Specializes in Rehab, Med/Surg, Ortho, ER.

do not refrain from medicating a child's fever just because you want to show the staff "how high it really is." febrile seizures will scare you.

do not ask the md for an increase in bp meds so you can eat more salt, especially do not make an ed visit in the middle of the night to ask this. the md will get mad.

do not call 911 at 0300am and insist on transport to the ed for cc of "i cant make love to my wife." again the md will get mad, he might yell at you. in addition the entire nursing staff will remember you and tell the story everytime you come to the same small hospital ed.

do not be seen by nursing staff eating an "alsups" burrito when you have been told repeatedly that you need an esphogeal dilitation and then call 911 in the middle of the night for cc chest pain. not only will we know it is bad reflux, but we will tell the story of you calling 911 for "i can't make love to my wife." and just for fun you will still get an 16g twin cath, after all you did complain of chest pain and we still have to follow cp protocol.

do not liquify your durgesic patch and shoot it into you central line. three days worth of pain med all at once will cause you to stop breathing.

do not get thrown in jail in the midst of a series of gender reassignment surgeries. if you do, do not slip and fall and knock your breast implants against a sink, knock it askew and insist to be taken to ed in the middle of the night. do not return two days later when said breast is now much smaller. the md will say the same both times. you need a plastic surgeon. it is not life threatening. no the county does not have to pay for it. the md will be mad when he says it both times in the middle of the night.

dont forget to teach children at very young age that foreign objects do not belong in body cavities. do not forget to mention, ears, nose, belly buttons, and various openings in the nether regions.

playdough smells bad after 1 week in a nostril. it turns black and becomes fuzzy.

if child suddenly develops sever foul body odor despite multiple baths everyday, have md check said orifices.

this thread has been tons of fun!!!

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