Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

Ike Arumba · Aug 26, 2006

this is hilarious!!!! roflmao!!!! :chuckle :roll :roll :lol2:

quote:

when naming your newborn and nurses try to explain that you are spelling angel's name wrong, don't put up a fight and insist that the correct spelling is angle and put it on the birth certificate!

but this is wonderful! she can name her other kids 90 degree and slide rule!

EricJRN, MSN, RN · Aug 26, 2006

Never, ever get so hopped up on crack that you go completely bonkers and smash both arms repeatedly through the glass windows of your home. If you do this, certainly stop before you sever both brachials and have near-amputations at the elbows. If you insist on going even to this level, please make sure that someone has the English skills to adequately communicate with 911, so that the ambulance crew does not stroll over to your house thinking you have a 'hurt finger.' :smackingf

Medic/Nurse, BSN, RN · Aug 26, 2006

Don't call me a f****** B****, you don't even know me. It doesn't start the relationship off on a high note :Melody:

If you kiss a copperhead, don't seem shocked if it bites you. I'm not.

Don't pick up iguanas that happen to "just walking down the road" for a closer look. :clown:

Don't act all shocked that the Snickers bars that were placed in the va-jay-jay (for your SO's snacking pleasure? eww...) are melting now. :roll

Don't turn the kitchen spray nozzle on that grease fire. It will spread. It will sometimes catch your clothes on fire. It is bad. :angryfire

Don't let you children ride on lawnmowers. Do I even need to explain why this is a bad idea. :madface:

Don't act all offended that the nice paramedic vomits in your presence - if you haven't cleaned you or your house in years and your abdominal wound has become home to fly larvae. :barf02:

Don't guess if the weapon is loaded. All guns are loaded until proven otherwise. Act accordingly.

Don't take too many Midol. Sure, cramps are bad - but an aspirin OD can be fatal. :smackingf

Don't waste my time. Cut right to it. It will save both you and I time and will either improve your experience or shorten your stay! (Example: I am allergic to morphine, codeine, aspirin, tylenol, demerol, toradol, ibuprofen, all NSAID's, stadol, vistaril, compazine, reglan) Just say I need Dilaudid and I need it now! May not get it, but I will respect your honesty. :)

Don't sit in the front seat with the kiddo on you lap. When you hit that truck head on, the kiddo is hurt...bad. I hate LeForte 3's. Especially in kids. :crying2:

Don't pick up a possum. It may be dead and you may just be getting it out of your driveway or it may be "playing possum!" Not good. :eek:

Don't call the fire department if you are locked out of your house. We do not have a key to your house. But, I do know how to break a window.

Do not call the fire department if your son's monkey escapes into you attic. First, I am committed to safety. Extracting a p***** off monkey from an attic isn't safe for anyone. Won't do it!

Don't wonder if "we" should go to the hospital...If you have to poll the answer is usually NO. :nono:

Don't keep taking the bandage off to "look at it". If I bandaged it because it was pouring/spurting blood and you keep taking it off to "look" I will become upset (especially if the blood gets on me). :uhoh3:

banditrn · Aug 26, 2006

Don't waste my time. Cut right to it. It will save both you and I time and will either improve your experience or shorten your stay! (Example: I am allergic to morphine, codeine, aspirin, tylenol, demerol, toradol, ibuprofen, all NSAID's, stadol, vistaril, compazine, reglan) Just say I need Dilaudid and I need it now! May not get it, but I will respect your honesty. :)

Ah - I can relate to this one!! :lol2: Usually just interrupted them to ask what they could take.

And the ones who, when asked admission questions such as "Any history of cardiac problems?" would answer with "Well that's an interesting question, blah, blah, blah." No, it's NOT an interesting question - yes or no.

DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN · Aug 31, 2006

You and your hubby are both white, blue-eyed and blonde, don't act clueless when the baby you just delivered is black with black curly hair and dark genitals and say "honey he looks just like you". Nurses are not dumb nor predjuiced against babies.

Don't come into L&D with a huge belly, in labor, and ask for a glass of water so you can take your BC pill. "I never missed a pill and had a period every month". Nurses are not dumb.

Don't come into L&D with a huge belly, in labor, and say "I'm still a virgin, we only ever had oral sex". Nurses are not dumb.

Don't come into L&D with a huge belly, in labor, and say "I think I might be pregnant". Nurses are not dumb.

And my all time favorite: Don't come into L&D with a huge belly, in labor, accompanied by your Mom, hanging onto Mom, crying "I think I'm having a baby" and then whisper to the nurse "please don't tell my Mom I'm sexually active" Moms are not dumb and neither are the nurses!

DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN · Aug 31, 2006

Don't climb up a telephone pole while high on crack...you may end up lying across the lines, frying like a chicken with your body fat drippin to the ground, and end up in a nursing home with no legs....

nicer when smarter · Sep 1, 2006

Never shove salted peanuts in your member...have your wife remove them with her mouth and then come in complaining that it hurts to pee!

nicer when smarter · Sep 1, 2006

Never crush up oxycontin, mix it with tap water and put it in your picc line. Sad outcome...paralyzed.

DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN · Sep 1, 2006

Patients who have are DC'd have taught me to immediately pull the IV access. We had one (not my pt, Thank God) who snuck out with his PICC to end up overdosing on something as soon as he got home. Died.

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Sep 1, 2006

Never complain about the indwelling catheter hurting you. :nono:You just might get some baza rubbed on it. Then you WILL have something to complain about. It happened to me. Owie owie owie! :bluecry1: :smackingf

lupin · Sep 3, 2006

Heeeheee

Do not sunbathe naked in the parking lot of the hospital that your husband is admitted to and not expect someone to say something about it. When they do, do not become combative or you will end up back in the psych ward you were just let out of two weeks earlier.

Don't have a one-woman sex toy party on your back porch during a manic episode, especially if your backyard neighbor has a daycare.

Alzheimer's patients will find the most interesting places to leave a bowel movement that they haven't had in four days.

It's a hospital not a spa.

Don't threaten to kill the nurse over the cigarettes that you aren't supposed to have while on suicide precautions. She will have NO problem calling security to sit on your rear end until the medical doctor clears you for involuntary committment.

Rubbing ash and dirt into your posterior cervical disc fusion surgery site then screaming you're "going to own this joint" when it dehisces and becomes infected, will not get you that big malpractice settlement you're counting on.

Don't leave your elderly and combative confused loved one alone in a hospital after they have broken their hip/femur/arm/shoulder after a fall. We will be calling you later to come sit with them or we will be calling the doctor for a restraint order.

Listing your home medications as "my heart pill" or "my nerve pill" doesn't give us all the information we need.

NPO means nothing by mouth, period. Not an occasional snack or liquids or chewing tobacco.

I didn't become a nurse so I could be groped on.

Don't try to look down the nurse's scrub top while she is bent down tying the shoes on your wheelchair bound mother with Alzheimer's who thinks you are there to visit her. It tends to make both of them lose respect for you.

And finally, if you must shove something up your orifice/lady parts/nose, please use personal lubricant. It makes it a little easier to extract.

And I've only been a nurse for two years! :nurse: :monkeydance:

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Sep 3, 2006

:rotfl: rubbing ash and dirt into your posterior cervical disc fusion surgery site then screaming you're "going to own this joint" :yelclap: when it dehisces and becomes infected, will :bugeyes: not get you that big malpractice settlement you're counting on becomes infected,:roll will not get you that big malpractice settlement you're counting on.

:lol2: i had one of these when i was a student.:roll i'm convinced she was trying to make me quit nursing school, but it made me more determined than ever to become one so we could get those nilly willies off the street. :nurse: :clown: