Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in gen icu/ neuro icu/ trauma icu/hdu.

Always remember even if it went in there "real easy" is doesn't always come out easy.

Urinating on high tension power lines is a great way to loose your manhood.

Putting your fist through a window because you saw a boy you like kissing his girlfriend is not going to make him kiss you.

Stabbing nursing staff with your mixitard (insulin) pen will get you restrained and will not get you that 02:00 hrs endocrine review you wanted.

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Specializes in gen icu/ neuro icu/ trauma icu/hdu.

Drinking beer till your etoh level is just below lethal will not make that 20 something female suddenly find you attractive and want to sleep with you.

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When in a *pinch* concord grade jelly CANNOT be substituted for contraceptive jelly on your diaphragm --Ick

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Do not try to apply preparation H in your orifice, leave the cap on, subsequently LOSE the cap in said orifice and try to fish it out with toenail clippers while balancing on a wet bathroom floor with one foot on the edge of the tub. This is a prescription for surgery to remove cap and clippers. AND, you might end up with a 3-day erection and multiple nurses staring at you, trying to get a Foley in. :monkeydance: :monkeydance:

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Specializes in ICU, telemetry, LTAC.

Just don't come to the hospital if you don't believe a single thing your physician tells you. Seriously. You will drive your doc, your cardiologist and all your nurses bananas. Then, after your nurse has spent hours explaining cellular metabolism, diabetes, hemodynamics and such to you, please don't go into 3 different types of heart block. When you do, don't get uppity with the nurse who has parked the code cart outside your door for the duration of the shift.

I was ready to encourage him to leave AMA up until his arrythmias.:angryfire

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Specializes in gen icu/ neuro icu/ trauma icu/hdu.

When taking viagra, more is not better, if you get too much of that "good thing" even viagra may not help you in the future.... (particularly if your 20 something and don't ussually have erectile dysfunction) (was the 36 hr "last stand" worth it??):crying2: :eek: :uhoh3:

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Specializes in Mental Health.

If you MUST self circumsise, with an electic carving knife...

learn which bit to cut off!

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When you catch a shark and want to show it to your friends, it's a really good idea to make sure it is dead first.

Saying your allergic to "a blue pill" does not narrow it down all that much.

When you stab a police officer, then wind up in the same ER with him, a better course of action would be to not say anything to him. When you say threatening things, the nurse taking care of you will bring other police officers, (A.K.A, his friends), into the room for her safety. Then again, you just might enjoy the 4 pairs of hand cuffs a bit on the snug side.

Ever see a salt water, gaff sail, catfish? They have really long, sharp, slimy, serrated spines. Don't toss it to your wife.

Don't hit on the nurse that is helping your wife deliver your baby. Don't give her your phone number. Be rest assured, she will not be impressed by how smooth you are. (Actually happened to an L n D friend of mine.)

Never let your 17 your old child with the intellectual ability of a 3 year old due to CP drive a go-cart capable of speeds over 40mph. The helmet will really not help all that much.

Don't take the spending money that the "Make A Wish" foundation gave you to take your 8 year old child with AML on his dream Disney cruise and use it for a coke binge the night before the ship sets sail. You will over sleep, he will be heartbroken, H.R.S. will take your child from you, and the entire world will still hate you for..... going on 7 years now.

We ER nurses find it hilariously ironic when you bring your child to the ER, scream at us over things far beyond our control and then tell us that you are paying our salaries when we can simply look at the face sheet and see that you have Medicaid. If you are going to make such bold observations, please purchase a private insurance policy before hand instead of referring to one that WE actually pay for.

When making crude, speculatory comments about the promiscuity of a nurse in your native tongue, it's a good idea to ensure that the very American looking nurse you are loudly referring to is not more fluent in your language than you are.

If you buy a house with a swimming pool, please make sure your 6 and 8 year old children know how to swim before you move in. (I still think about that one.)

Never drunkenly bet someone that they can't knock you out in one punch.

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Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.
Don't take the spending money that the "Make A Wish" foundation gave you to take your 8 year old child with AML on his dream Disney cruise and use it for a coke binge the night before the ship sets sail. You will over sleep, he will be heartbroken, H.R.S. will take your child from you, and the entire world will still hate you for..... going on 7 years now.

:scrying: :stone :crying2: :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire

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How cool! i worked ER with a major trauma hospital for a year before i graduated! now i'm puttin in time before i can go back as a nurse! can't wait to get back there - because of the incredible education i've received!!! it's been so fun! People are a stupid animal! lol

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amen!

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Specializes in Neuro.

The only one I have so far from working in a nursing home:

Learn to distinguish between jelly beans and hearing aids. Hearing aides are more difficult to chew and are more expensive to replace.

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