Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

In response to Ruby's member snake man. No doubt the offgoing nurse said he was alert and oriented. They always are in the daylight. Great story!!:rotfl:

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Specializes in Med/Surg, Nurse Educator..

:chuckle hahaha!!!!! I forgot my problems and laugh out loud!!!!

:p thats cool!!!

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I am at a loss for words after reading this! I have been doing ob since 88 and thought I could not be shocked..I was wrong.

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
in response to ruby's member snake man. no doubt the offgoing nurse said he was alert and oriented. they always are in the daylight. great story!!:rotfl:

she said he was alert, oriented, and cute as a button. they always are, aren't they?!

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my favorate from experience

never presume the pea soup the confused old lady has in her teeth has spilt between her legs. If it' s under the sheets and theirs no bowl in sight, best prepare for something else :uhoh3:

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remembered another

dont chew up your valium, keep it in your mouth until the nurse leaves, then spit it into a cup. Later using the needle left for a few short moments by the bediside to inject it between you toes. Saliva has no place there!

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Specializes in Corrections, Cardiac, Hospice.

I remembered another from my correction days:

A police dog is NOT a parrot. When you are hiding in the closet and he finds you, just give up. Throwing a blanket over his head is bound to upset him, not calm him. (The poor dog went so nuts he even bit his handler:o )

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Specializes in NICU.
Don't get nipple rings. When in an MVA the seatbelts tear them out :eek:

One person with horseshoe style nipple rings + one person with regular nipple rings + naked fun = lots of pain and screaming and blood.

Okay, that was me, not a pt. But still, good advice.

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Specializes in Neuro/Ortho/Med-Surg ICU.

Don't keep breaking your promise to help your 84 yr old widowed mom trim her hedges. When she takes the 'small' chain saw to 'touch up underneath so the dog can get to the fence' and the chain nicks said chain link fence, (it was loose anyway - the chain, that is), ricochets and slices open her scalp nad she has 27 or more staples (it just 'nicked' her!) - DON'T get mad at HER! Be thankful she's alive! (true story)

Don't use gasoline to burn the trash 'cuz it burns quicker (wanted to burn it faster so he wouldn't get caught due to the BURN BAN due to our drought).... :no: :banghead:

Don't put your hand in the disposal to get the spoon out while its still running

Don't walk across the ER parking lot, smoking (a non-smoking campus), and right before the front door, stoop over and do the 'kidney stone' walk. (camera - DUH, lol). THEN don't be mad when we refuse you pain meds after you give us a urine specimen with blood on the outside from where you poked your finger... and then you ask another nurse for a bandaid.....

Hey, don't you think we could have the longest running comedy series of just TRUE patient stories? Great new reality show!!

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Specializes in Neuro/Ortho/Med-Surg ICU.

Not a good idea to 'forget' to tell the (ER) nurse that the funeral home picked up her patient while she was gone for a few minutes. Said nurse then walks into the room and emits a primoral scream when you sit up and throw back the sheet and yell 'surprise'..... :chuckle

No, not a true story but it was OOOhh so tempting after one very, long, tension filled night....

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Specializes in Neuro/Ortho/Med-Surg ICU.

I actually overheard this at IHOP with my teenagers after my 3-11 shift: (Said patrons were, um, intoxicated)

"Hey, man... my ex girlfriend hooked us up for Mardi Gras a few years ago with these catheters and leg bags - so we could drink and piss anytime. But you have to be really drunk to pull them out because they hurt like hell and you bleed alot".

(Suspect the girlfriend inserted the foleys for them but forget to tell them they needed to empty the balloon that was keeping the cath in place... or maybe she did it on purpose because they ditched her during Mardi Gras!)

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"Hey, man... my ex girlfriend hooked us up for Mardi Gras a few years ago with these catheters and leg bags - so we could drink and piss anytime. But you have to be really drunk to pull them out because they hurt like hell and you bleed alot".

:rotfl: If I'd overheard that at a diner my coffee would've come out my nose! People are certainly amazing......

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