Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

Rosie- · Jan 9, 2006

Do not read above post while drinking, anything.
If you must get drunk and drive and get pulled over by the police make sure you tell the poor officer you have a prosthetic leg BEFORE he has you assume the positon and he kicks your leg off and into traffic. The leg may hit a semi and scare the snot out of the driver. You will then fall over because you are no longer supported by said leg. Poor officer will then spend most of his night filling out reports explaining what happened!

:roll :roll :roll :roll :roll :nono: :nono: :nono: This is absolutely Hilarious and I can see it happening!!!!!!

benthereseenit · Jan 10, 2006

Never climb a chain link fence in a miniskirt while wearing no underwear, especially if you are underage, drunk and your parents on a cruise and you end having to go to surgery from the er.

Spatialized · Jan 10, 2006

well, I just about died laughing reading this, so I thought I would share some of mine...

do not use regular water for your peritoneal dialysis when you run out of solution.

if you're looking for pain meds,always have eyes in the back of your head, I may be watching you for a minute or two going about your business without any problems until I say "HI" and then you start moaning and groaning...

if you overdose on meth and wake up in the unit, don't pull out your foley, central line, lead, IVs and anything else attached to you and not expect us to freak out.

if you have previously had been jumped by your sister's friends, do not go drinking with them again, you end up with a head lac and too many bruises to count

do not try to pick the bugs off the sitter's scrub top that you know are there when you are detoxing, it will only freak out the sitter.

if your doctor advises you not to go above 3000 feet altitude, do not visit the Grand Canyon. Also, if you're a nurse visiting the Grand Canyon, don't forget to bring your Lasix for CHF with you when you get up here... and if you are hiking the Grand Canyon, please eat something with salt in it while you drink liters of water so you don't get hyponatremic on us.

when you are in the ER stating you "want to get clean" don't drink out of the vodka bottle you are hiding under the blanket.

Tom

MMARN, BSN, RN · Jan 11, 2006

Never use a rubber band and Saran Wrap as a condom (i can't imagine the dude that wore this). Otherwise, the act of sex can push this invention where the sun doesn't shine.
Never think that it's possible to do a backflip off of the second floor balcony of a frat house, and expect no injury.
Never suggest to your girlfriend that she ought to bring her best friend to the bedroom with her (the idiot that suggested this wound up having to get 4 front caps on his teeth and a reconstruction of his nose. It'll never look the same again).
Never try to drive your car using your 5th extremity (it was a guy that did this, use your imagination:stone). Still can't believe he fessed up to that.

LOL!!!!:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

MMARN, BSN, RN · Jan 11, 2006

My aunt told me about one:

NEVER, EVER, use your mouth as a "firework holder". Sad outcome on that one. She showed us pictures they took in the ER and OR and the man ended up with 1st and 2nd degree burns on his face and blind in one eye. :scrying:

Pediatric Critical Care Columnist · Jan 11, 2006

this just in from the university of alberta hospital: those no smoking signs up all over the place do so mean you, especially if you have nasal cannulae on blowing 3 litres of o2 up your nose. trust me, the facial and cervical burns you'll get will be nothing compared to the potential explosion of your backpack concentrator.

jessica · Jan 12, 2006

(raising hand) I have to fess up to this one. *I* was the patient and I was having hand surgery. After getting twilight sleep meds the surgeon came in. Happens to be the surgeon is the perfect example of a man. He's just good in ALL the right parts. He was wearing tight scrubs and I began to tell him how good he looked and he should wear those scrubs all the time, not just in OR. I wouldn't shut my mouth for anything. The PA (a female) was whispering in my ear to stop talking, I would be humiliated later. I then started to remind her of the conversation we had in the office just a couple of days ago about how fine this guy was. She began denying it and I was able to recite the entire conversation to her word for word. How's that work? I could remember our conversation word for word but I couldn't remember to keep my big mouth shut.
Needless to say I removed my own sutures. I couldn't go back there and face him. I ran into him at the hospital a few weeks later and he didn't say a word, he just started laughing. I should have just laughed with him and gotten it over with. Instead I hid. That's what any reasonable nurse would do, right?

That's almost EXACTLY what I did when I had my colonoscopy done!!!! Now, everythime I see my GI doc, I turn beat red and find a patients room to hide in. Oh dear, the things we say when we get a little Fentynl and Versed in us!

Gompers, BSN, RN · Jan 13, 2006

OMG reading these makes me so glad I don't work with adults anymore! My poor little patients aren't old enough to do stupid things yet! Now their parents are another story!

...If you feel like you have to defacate, do it in the toilet! One developmentaly disabled but high functioning woman gave birth at home in her bed. She said she didn't know she was pregnant, just that she had to "boo boo" - why she would attempt to "boo boo" in her bed is beyond me. I believe this is the same mom who insisted that the father of her baby was a coworker she had just met like two months before the birth. Social work took forever to get involved. :confused:

...If you feel the baby coming, lay down!!! One very young mother knew she was pregnant and attempted to deliver the baby by herself at home, standing up, in a bathroom with a very hard ceramic tile floor. Big scalp laceration and a nice internal head bleed on that baby. :crying2:

...Once you actually have the baby, the gig is up. Another very young mother had a baby at home and tried to hide it in the freezer so no one would know about it. Baby actually survived! :wink2:

These poor girls were in such denial and felt they couldn't tell anyone about their pregnancies. Sad.

One from my nursing school clinicals, not sure if I posted this before...

...Never use fire as a part of foreplay.

I did a day in the Burn ICU and one of my patients was a middle-aged man. He and his girlfriend were pyromaniacs and thought it'd be "so hot" to cover his lower body with lighter fluid or alcohol and then light him on fire before thye had sex. From the waist down, the only parts of him that weren't burnt were the soles of his feet (because he was standing up) and his member (because he was wearing a condom). Everything else was a mess. We had to do a bath on him and change all his dressings and all he did was scream and swear at us. I felt like screaming back that if he wasn't such a freak he would never have gotten burnt in the first place. I just had no compassion for him, especially since it was NOT the first time he'd been admitted to Burns with a sexually-related burn injury!!! :devil:

K205 · Jan 13, 2006

OmiGOD!! I laughed so hard I scared my poor cat! Keep 'em coming, this thread is hilarious!!

Do not read above post while drinking, anything.
If you must get drunk and drive and get pulled over by the police make sure you tell the poor officer you have a prosthetic leg BEFORE he has you assume the positon and he kicks your leg off and into traffic. The leg may hit a semi and scare the snot out of the driver. You will then fall over because you are no longer supported by said leg. Poor officer will then spend most of his night filling out reports explaining what happened!

Kim O'Therapy, BSN, RN · Jan 13, 2006

Please....folks....ALWAYS wear your seatbelts!

Kim O'Therapy, BSN, RN · Jan 13, 2006

Pts' families teach us things to not do as well-
Do not bring your 90-yr-old toothless, demented mother tacos, potato chips and a Snickers bar for lunch, then loudly DEMAND a swallow eval when she then has a choking episode.

There IS a reason you are ordered NPO right after a hysterectomy. Once brought up to your room......please do NOT have family members sneak you a supreme pizza. Vomit is not fun to clean up and the strain is not good for your incision. DUH! :angryfire

Marylou1102 · Jan 13, 2006

two friends, a case of beer, and a chainsaw are not a good mix for chopping wood.

Great thread!!