Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

ReadyToListen, CNA, EMT-B · Oct 17, 2014

Rapheal said:

Do not tell the nurse (your wife) that " I know what I am doing"' she will be calling ED with a warning that you are grilling again.

Love that, that's awesome ?

TheEnglishPatient · Nov 26, 2014

gwenith said:

Here a few more from "down under"
Do not dring and then skinny dip in the ocean - there are currents out there

Do not try to cure snakebite with accupuncture - it does not work

Do not decide to mow the grass christmas day - in 40 degree Celcius heat - you WILL have a heart attack.

Do not retire your sedentary job one day and the next take off on a round Australia trip towing a van and try to drive from Melbourne to Cairns in two days - you WILL have a heart attack - usually in one of those small country towns along the way ( you should see our stats on this one - one regional hospital it was running at 1/3 of the patients!!)

Do not become a "breatharian" they are cranks and you cannot "live on light"

That "breatharian" idea must be one of the most insane ever invented!

ICUNurseG · Jan 16, 2015

Don't use razor blades to clean your oven. They might fall onto your sandwich and you could accidentally ingest them.

If you're walking down the street and someone offers you Xanax, you don't have to take it from them. And if you do, don't take all six pills at once and then pass out at Burger King. You will end up in ICU with a nasal trumpet. When your nurse decides you're awake enough to remove the nasal trumpet, don't call her two minutes later asking to have it put back in because removing it made your nostril sore.

Don't jump on the bed while drunk. You're not one of the five little monkeys.

Don't skip dialysis because you're sick/cold/tired/bored and wonder why you ended up in the hospital.

emtb2rn, BSN, RN, EMT-B · Jan 16, 2015

Drano no bueno.

Christy1019, ASN, RN · Jan 16, 2015

Lmao at all of these!

nlitened · Jan 17, 2015

I am not a nurse yet, but things I have learned as a PCT...

Never let you dog lick your fresh CABG incision

Never play golf in a thunderstorm (tho said lightning strike makes for a pretty cool design on the skin)

Never disagree with a 6ft5 300lb psych patient off his meds

Never assume the penile implant that is now protruding from your member will heal itself with prayer

Never wake your husband who was just discharged from the hospital after recovering from an MI up at 2am and demand sex

And my all time favorite...Never forget to pull the needle back out of your arm before returning to the nurses station to answer a physician phone call

RNikkiF · May 1, 2018

Never jump out of a car moving at 40 mph

Penelope_Pitstop, BSN, RN · May 2, 2018

Wowie wow, might I just say that this was the first thread in which I posted...coming up on 11 years ago! I realize the post above mine was the first in three years but this is nonetheless an impressive run. I might as well add on what I've learned in the last decade (other than the fact that I swear 2007 was last year...)

Never...

- drink bleach. if you live, you will not be able to speak clearly nor take any substances by mouth.

- crush up Percocet (or what have you) and inject it into your central line. But if you choose to do so and want to get away with it, try not to pass out with the powder-filled syringe still attached to your line

- buy illegal drugs. but, if you must, don't do it in plain site of law enforcement and then swallow your entire stash when you panic.

- when realizing that your cigarettes are not accessible as you are in the hospital and sharing a room with an O2 dependent person, light up the non-swab end of a mouth swab stick and attempt to smoke it. that is a lot of incident reports.

- stop drinking cold turkey if you drink two gallons of wine a day

- forget to mention that you're allergic to the antibiotic I told you is ordered until after it's administered

- fake having sickle cell disease in an attempt to procure IV pain meds (although it worked for a day or so)

- mainline roxanol into your vein in the employee bathroom

- pick at a boil on your scrotum that you noticed after using the hotel hot tub

- use your dead buddy's ID at the triage desk to procure IV narcotics - especially if that dead buddy was a frequent flyer and died in that very ER recently

TheEnglishPatient · May 25, 2018

Wow to some of these!

I'm not a medical professional, but here's a piece of advice that I received from someone who'd learned the hard way: Never walk too close to someone who is carrying a huge pig's head. They might toss it to their friend, miss, and hit you in the face instead, resulting in a broken nose.

gemmi999 · May 26, 2018

Do not decide that you hate your foley catheter and try to take it out yourself--By cutting the catheter about 1 inch from where it leaves your member.

The nurse will not be able to deflate the balloon, the urine will still keep coming out but there is no container to collect it in, and you will be transferred to a larger hospital because the MD at the small, community hospital couldn't figure out how to drain the foley balloon either.

Seriously, any suggestions?

Phil-on-a-bike · May 30, 2018

Never, ever.... do the housework naked.

Because I saw so many patients in Accident and Emergency... with so many foreign objects in their orifices...

...and almost all of their stories began with the phrase: "I was doing the housework naked, and I slipped and fell on (insert object here)" (or rather, don't.)

That's how it goes, apparently.

You're enjoying the breeze and the sense of freedom... you notice a dusty picture frame, innocently fetch a cloth, and through no fault of your own, BANG: IT'S CUCUMBER TIME.

So, yeah... avoid naked housework.

Kooky Korky, BSN, RN · May 31, 2018

Trixxy said:

I repeat...Why not buy your Depo-Provera in Mexico?
That must be how little Ricky came to be!!

Ricky Ricardo (Desi Arnaz) was Cuban.