Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Do not put a pool noodle up your bum, even if last time you could get it out. You'll only end up in theatre for 3 hours with a surgeon trying to pull it out, and when that fails, they'll have to cut you open and push it out.

Do not try to give yourself an enema with a garden hose.

A straw up your member is not fun times. But at least you can still pee through it while waiting in hospital all week for an operation to get it taken out.

Do not abuse the staff for neglecting you and the doctor for not seeing you during their rounds if you spent the day across the road from the hospital eating pies.

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talaxandra said:
One of our patients has just had an ICU holiday thanks to a fall in GCS to 3 - blood alcohol level of 0.5 (ten times the legal limit) and no smell of alcohol. At the moment the jury's out on whether it was vodka or hand sanitiser, and whether it was ingested or taken via PICC :rolleyes:

Sadly not the first time, but the last time a patient did this (same brand of sanitiser) six bottles his BAL was just over half this patient's. Good heavens!

Wow. Just... wow.

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Specializes in Medical.

Yep, seven kinds of special right there :rolleyes:

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Chixie said:
Do not jump on your childs trampoline in the middle of the night after consuming vast quantities of alcohol and when you inevitably fall off and land on your head, please do not run to the hospital hating papers and give them a sob story about the evils of trampolines and try to get them banned (Also do not falsify your injuries, the staff nurses do read the paper ya know!)

That this patient had already bred terrifies me :lol2:

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If you leave your fireworks outside and they get rained on, do not try to dry them out in the microwave. Once the microwave catches on fire, do not try to pick it up and run outside with it...

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Specializes in ED/ICU/TELEMETRY/LTC.

Yes, I know you are an expert at faking unconsciousness and can resist moving at a sternal rub, but trust me, when I take my thumb and my index finger and barely apply pressure with my nails to your nasal septum, you WILL move, and your eyes WILL open.

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Specializes in Medical.

I once worked with a doctor who didn't buy that a patient really was unconscious, so he pinched her nipple through her gown...and twisted it 180 degrees :eek: The arms of every woman in the room instantly rose to cross their chests!

Yeah, she didn't respond, what with her blood sugar being somewhere around 2mmol/L (~40 mg/dL). In the morning, though, she did have a palm sized bruise...

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even tho you're too drunk to feel it, you should probably follow the paramedic's advice and go to the hospital after your foot is run over by your wife while backing down the driveway...

You might be able to use your hand to stop that rotary sander... for a second... but it's gonna hurt like hell and tear up your finders. Oh, and your wife will be ****** ( gotta love my dad... who eventually went on to be a volunteer firefighter/emt for 10 years)

Go ahead and take a swing at a paramedic in front of about 12 cops/fireman and see how fast your ass gets slammed to ground, restrained and carried down to the waiting ambulance....

All around good advice I learned after EMT school one night... when you realize you've locked your keys in the car, make sure ALL the doors are locked before breaking in a window.... lol

No, you can't get pregnant for going down on a guy....

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Don't drink 6 Red Bulls and take 7 "yellow jacket" energy pills, call 911, and then whine about the hospital bill when you get to the ER.

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Never try telling your doctor that you got herpes from your boyfriend touching dirty coins at the casino, and then letting him touch your nether region. Then when you need to pay for the Dr's visit call your husband and tell him the same story.

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Some of my resident's have taught to me to not be a jerk to the staff.

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Specializes in Neonatal ICU, Pediatrics, some ER.

One of our patients has just had an ICU holiday thanks to a fall in GCS to 3 - blood alcohol level of 0.5 (ten times the legal limit) and no smell of alcohol. At the moment the jury's out on whether it was vodka or hand sanitiser, and whether it was ingested or taken via PICC :rolleyes:

I don't care how desperate I got, hand sanitiser? Bleah! :no:

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