Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this:

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Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.

Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.

Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.

No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".

No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.

NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).

No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.

No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.

I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!

Have fun!

Specializes in cardiac, LTC, postpartum.

Oh my god I am glad to see this thread up here. I have just started a new job at a hospital. I have been here for about 2 mths now as a patient tech in a Cardiac unit. It a freakin madhouse and I'm really wondering if I made the right choice about working there. The patients are SO NEEDY AND DEMANDING!!!! It blows my mind every night to hear them talk to the staff the way they do. Here would be my list of what I'd love to say to them:

1) Oh, I'm sorry, did the sign outside say the Ritz Carlton on the door? Because the last time I checked this is NOT a resort it's infact a hospital and your prognosis is going to require a little effort on your part.

2) Why is it that when I ask your 300 pound butt to stand up on a scale you are tired and need me to throw out my back assisting you? But when you need that chocolate chip cookie on your table you suddenly have the strength of SuperMan?

3) As if it wasn't bad enough that Spanish is becoming the primary language in this country, I get the traditional stare of confusion when I ask important questions to patients who don't speak English. Now unless I had a freak accident while traveling, I wouldn't sit in a hospital in France and keep talking in English because they wouldn't understand me now would they? Why am I the only one who finds this disturbing?

4) Just because your family member sneezed, or sniffled doesn't mean I'm going to drop what I'm doing to rush to their side!!

5) This one is my personal favorite, every shift I hear numerous complaints about how bad the food is. What I would give to tell one of these patients, your in a hospital, not a hotel. That food you were eating that put on that extra 100 pounds may be the very reason your lying in that bed with shortness of breath!!! I guess that would just be an anwser with too much logic now wouldn't it?

6) Im completely aware you need a bed change from excessively sweating. Again maybe it's the fact that your 300 pounds?

I know many of you may read this and think I am insincere, but the simple truth is many patients I take care of could turn their health around if they lost some weight. It comes down to responability pure and simple. As you know heart disease is the #1 cause of death in women and many of these patients are so heavy they haven't seen their crotch in 10 years because of the belly hangin over it. Thanks for the rant.

Specializes in cardiac, LTC, postpartum.

Almost forgot the classic....

7) I'd love to say "instead of pushing that call light all night long why not put that thing down and try washing your stinky crotch on your own for once?" :idea:

Specializes in Gerontology.

Ringing the callbell 3 times in 15 minutes will not make me move any faster. And ringing your call bell 3 times in 15 minutes at 0830 in the morning because you need maple syrup for your pancakes will just make me place you at the bottom of my priority list next time you call!

You are not my only patient. Deal with it. You want personal one on one care where you never have to wait? Hire a private nurse.

No, I won't tell you what's wrong with the pt in the next bed, room or the one sitting in the broda chair at the nursing station.

No, I won't call the ortho tech every 15 minutes until he comes. He knows your splint needs looking at. He's busy and will get here when he can. Calling him every 15 minutes will just delay his arrival and annoy the he** out of him.

To Visitors: Yes, I know that the LOL in the broda chair wants the table off. No, you can't take it off. Its there for a reason. Yes, I know she wants to go home - she can't. No , I can't tell you why. Yes, I know she's yelling. I can hear her too. No, I can't "drug her up".

Specializes in Telemetry & Obs.

I sincerely hope that these attitudes about people with weight issues are well in check when actually dealing with those patients. :o

When I help you off the toilet and say, "don't you want to wash your hands"... that wasn't a suggestion.

And don't you dare touch my hair and tell me it's pretty after you just crapped and didn't wash your hands, thank you very much!!:angryfire:angryfire

When I suggest "are you sure you don't want a shower, I can help you with one before bed, it my help you rest, and we need to clean your cath site anyways." It means you smell of yeast so bad we could start a bakery in here:barf01: , and when I checked your groin site I had to bite my tongue to keep from gagging. We need to get you washed so it doesn't get infected.

Before you flame me...what I think and what I say are different...and I am very careful with my facial expressions.

Specializes in ED, ICU, Heme/Onc.

I understand that your sister, daughter, son or grandma is in 10/10 pain, but the doctor has to see him/her first before prescribing that pain med. I know that your family member has been here 7 times in the past month for the same, legitimate pain issue, but the doc still needs to see you. No? You haven't followed up with the clinic doc, pain specialist in all this time? Please don't start screaming at me that if your family member was a "code blue" I'd bet my "sweet ***" that there'd be lots of people in the room. Airway, breathing and circulation unfortunately come before pain. You say you are a "nurse" because you are a HHA and that's "the same thing", so why don't you walk yourself over to the pixis and decide the appropriate medication, dosage and mechanism of delivery for your family member since it is well out of *my* scope of practice...

And while you are at it, help yourself to my uneaten snack in the nurses lounge, my bag is the pretty pink one with the apple, string cheese and the hershey bar, since I'm just sitting here at the desk playing solitare on the computer...

OK - I really did say the part about coding not being the same thing as pain, and that I was not insensitive to "grandma's" belly pain. But the other part, I just wished I could say - but Mr. Press Gainey likes to send out all those pretty pieces of paper..

I do politely and firmly ask the 16 crying family members to please step out when the doc comes in to assess the patient and he's so upset about thier unnessary wailing and flailing over every (normal) blip on the monitor (which I've explained to each family member that has asked) that the patient needs some "private time" with the doctor. Works like a charm - I say it with a sweet smile, and then the attending usually says "better listen to Blee, she's the boss around here..." LOL

Blee

PS - my favorite was from my nursing student days - "sorry sir, I really can't tell you if that is a tootsie roll or 'something else' that you dropped in your bed from here, and I'm not getting any closer while you are squishing it in your fingers and smelling it to determine the origin of said confectional delight"

No one ever said that nursing was boring!

Specializes in Peds/Neo CCT,Flight, ER, Hem/Onc.

How are you expected to pay for your blood pressure medicine Mrs. Robinson? (fake name of patient who presented to ER with HTN and prescription had run out)Do you really want me to tell you because you aren't going to like what I say. Are you sure, you really aren't going to be happy with my answer. Okay, here goes. Perhaps you would be able to afford your medication if you weren't spending $100 a month on fancy fake nails with rhinestones and airbrushed designs. And you might want to reconsider whether the $50 dollar hair-do with all the swirly things and curls is really necessary considering the fact that your out of control blood pressure is likely going to kill you. Actually said this to a patient only in a slightly nicer way. She looked at me gape-faced. Then I think she considered punching me but I really did say it in a concerned way and had given her an out if she didn't want to hear it. Her face finally relaxed as she realized that what I had said was true and actually thanked me as I walked her out the door.

My coworkers have always said that I seem to get away with saying the most outrageous, but true things to patients and I've never gotten a complaint from one of them. It started in nursing school. I put a patient on the toilet and told her to pull the cord if she needed something. Well soon enough the light went off and I heard her yelling. I ran to the room to find her standing facing the toilet with her hands on the seat. I said "are you sick?!" She said "No...wipe me" Before I could censor myself I looked at her and said "Why? Are your arms too short?"

I am a bad, bad, bad nurse:selfbonk:

Specializes in icu/er.

Your stupidity does not make your condition an emergency to me....

truern said:
I sincerely hope that these attitudes about people with weight issues are well in check when actually dealing with those patients. :o

Dig that.

Some of these posts are downright scary.

"Lack of planning on your part is not an emergency on mine." (For the person who needs a health certificate and a Coggins test for a horse on Sat. because he's going out of state on Sun.)

"No seeing a tapeworm segment on your cat's rear end is not a reason for me to see you at 2:30AM." (An actual emergency call.)

"Yes it does cost $250 to spay a two year old great dane. It is 2007 not 1956, prices do go up." (To the person who thought that a spay or OVH should be only $30 on a 110# dog.)

"What part of Please turn off your cell phone don't you understand?"

"If your last vet was soooo wonderful, than why aren't you there?" (The client's last vet fired her for being obnoxiuos and refusal to follow his direction. Not to mention she never paid her vet bill without a fight. We fired her also after 8 months of abuse.)

"He is a DOG! Not a little human in a fur coat with clothes. If you would treat him like a dog than I wouldn't have to muzzle the little spoiled brat to handle him." (Neurotic small dog owner. The dog is small in size but large in teeth and very experienced in their use.)

"Now we place this collar on the child just tight enough for the prongs to come in contact with the throat. When the child screams s/he will receive a small shock much like static electricity. This will distract the child from screaming at the top of his/her lungs in a small exam room with a cat that wants to take us all out when the kid lets out a blood curding scream." (A frantic parent with 2 screaming childern ages 4 and 5, a freaked out cat, in small exam room, with no way out.)

Fuzzy, CVT whose patients are actually easier to deal with than her clients.

Specializes in EMS, ER, GI, PCU/Telemetry.
AngelfireRN said:
Don't have to be a nurse to state the (seemingly) obvious. Very good comment, but, boy do they get huffy. Saw one one time that I bet weighed 400 pounds, complained that she could "feel the metal in the bed (because she squished the mattress flat!), and yet sat in there, inhaling ice cream,wondering why her sugar was sky-high.

We had a 400+ lb TIA patient come in one day. The nurse and I went in to do an assessment and when the nurse asked her what happened, the patient said "I just dont know. I've always been really healthy!" and the nurse said, "Hmm... Did you eat too much Popeyes chicken?" OMG I had to leave the room.

Specializes in Med-Surg, ED.

Calling 911 because we won't let you go out and smoke (ours is a no-smoking facility) will not make us change our minds.