Swing shift hours, day shift spouse

[algebra_demystified]

I've been asking/telling my girlfriend to let me sleep in. I don't get home from work until 0115, sometimes 0130, sometimes 0200 depending on how the night went. It takes me an hour or two to wind down once I get home, so that's when I go to sleep. Mostly I get to sleep by 0300 or 0330 at the latest.

She wakes me up to say she's going off to work around 0800-0900. That leaves me with six hours of sleep at best, but many times it's five hours... but sometimes it's 4-4.5 hours. I just can't function on that amount of sleep.

I do psych and get floated to the maximum security unit once in a while. Sometimes I get floated to the sex offender unit where the administration in their infinite wisdom put an 18 year old boy in with a bunch of child rapists. They literally have their hands on this boy every single day I'm on that unit. I have to be on my toes. There have been two suicide attempts that were THIS CLOSE to completion on my unit in the last two months along with one strong suicidal gesture.

We have fights. We have challengers stepping up to the plate regularly. We have a med giver with the shakes whose documentation sucks and who is on the bubble in a big way.

This is also my first year of service.

I NEED TO SLEEP UNTIL I AM DONE SLEEPING

I DON'T CARE IF "NORMAL PEOPLE" ARE UP BY NINE

We have had this discussion several times, to the point that she laughs at me about needing my sleep. She defends her "right" to kiss me in the morning before she leaves for work. I have told her she needs to back off and let me get a full night's sleep.

Tonight I was mad as hell. This was my third consecutive day with less than six hours of sleep. I was leaning against the wall in the hallway, guzzling coffee all day, slapping myself in the face to stay awake. I had to walk off the unit and stand in the cold wind outside to wake up. That's the thing about psych. It can be boring from time to time, and there may not be a dozen tasks to use to stay busy and alert. Sometimes you just have to walk the hallways in the dark and look in at-risk pt rooms to see if you see anything.

I just don't seem to be able to make an impact on my girlfriend. She just doesn't see it my way. She thinks I should come home and immediately go to bed, and wake up at 0900 to start my day. If she has to be at work by 0900, would she like to be woken up at 0400? Hey, it's only FIVE ******** HOURS before you have to be at work and I know you only got four hours of sleep, but you should be happy to be kissed lovingly awake at that insane hour, right?

So she cried tonight that I could be such an insensitive jerk. "If I didn't wake you up, the garbage truck shows up or something else would wake you up. How could we have a baby?"

I have to be on the road on the way to work by noon to get to work on time. I want to sleep until 11AM. Frankly, I wish her attitude was a little different. Why can't she be my lioness and guard my sleep jealously so I can go do my 10 hours and the 2.5 hour commute to the best of my ability? Why can't she make sure the windows are closed before she leaves in the morning?

How many times did I get up at 0400 or 0500 and get dressed in the dark with a little tiny flashlight clenched in my teeth so I didn't wake her up? No, I'm not "sneaking around." I'm "letting you sleep." This is called "being considerate."

Today was my third day on less than six hours. How am I supposed to watch the kid who had a failed suicide attempt last month and just got started on SSRIs again? His risk for suicide is through the roof, and I'm guzzling pots of coffee to keep from sleeping in the nurses' station.

[RNKPCE]

I would sit her down and tell her what you are telling us and then warn her if she doesn't stop you will be waking her up when you get home. If it doesn't change this would be a deal breaker for me. Very immature. I work swing a couple days a week. I give my husband a peck on the cheek when I get home and he gives me a peck on the cheek when he leaves in the morning. Most of the time I know he has kissed me goodbye and fall back to sleep very easily . Some mornings I am so dead I accuse him of not kissing me goodbye when he gets home. But if you are a very sensitve sleeper maybe even a light peck would wake you up for good.

[Chapis]

i would sit her down and just tell her how it is, and that it's becoming a disrespectful issue against you for not respecting your needed sleep in order to perform your job in a good manner. if she's not being able to grasp the idea of you needing your sleep, i wonder how she really will be of any help on the important issues. she sounds way to immature. . .

and i do agree with the above posts about waking her up, it's not a "game" is showing her what is really feels like to be waken up. i would definitely do it every day until you decide if this relationship is worth it.

good luck-keeps us posted, i sure want to know if she stops waking you up.

[Virgo_RN, BSN, RN]

I know how you feel, about the sleep that is. I often don't get to sleep until about 2am. I am not even human at the hours that "normal people" seem to think are normal waking hours. In fact, don't even talk to me until I've had my coffee. I have a tendency to rip heads off.

I agree with those who say this issue is about lack of respect at its core. In my younger days, I would have tried something like the suggestion to wake her up at 3am, naively thinking this would show my lover how I feel and that they'd "get it" and things would change. But now that I've been on the planet a little longer, I'd just be blunt and tell her that it's serious enough to cause you to break up with her if she doesn't stop. Then follow through.

Either one of two things will happen: 1) She'll realize the seriousness of the problem, and will stop waking you up in the morning (although more than likely, other issues revolving around lack of respect will surface). 2) She'll learn a valuable life lesson when you break up with her because she couldn't show you the courtesy of allowing you to get your needed sleep.

That's just me, though. Best of luck to you!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

you've got worse problems than lack of sleep man, and it's up to you to decide whether or not this girl is worth it. if you decide that she is, a bit of her own medicine might be in order. wake her every night when you get home, and keep her awake for as long as you can stand it. the first time she protests, point out that your sleep is just as important as her sleep. if she doesn't get that, maybe she's not someone you want to stay with long term.

[elthia]

If she cared about your life and safety, she would guard your sleep zealously. Seriously, waking you up every morning for a goodbye kiss...it might really be goodbye forever if you fall asleep on your commute or were injured on the job due to slowed reflexes. IMHO and my

This seems more of a maturity and respect issue than a sleep issue. She needs to respect your sleep time, without pouting and thinking it is unfair to her to be denied a kiss.

[chicookie, BSN, RN]

You know I had a similar experience. It was with my dad though. He used to have crazy work hours and one day off a week. I remember that on that one day off we would have a whole bunch of stuff for him to do. Now I only have one day off a week and they have a whole bunch of stuff for me to do. We didn't let him sleep in and they won't let me sleep in. I never realized how unloving that was of us until everyone started doing it to me. Now I do everything possible so that on his day off he gets to sleep in and I try to do as much of the stuff I can.

(I don't get the same treatment in return though.......yet)

Maybe that is what she needs. A dose of reality. In your case I would either wake her up when you get in. Or not sleep with her. And let her know when she respects your need to sleep then you will sleep with her.

[LEN-RN]

I would tell her that you need your sleep, and you need your job, and if she doesn't leave you alone, that you need another place to live. (Or she does)

[Purple_Scrubs, BSN, RN]

Sleep is a very basic human need. If she is unwilling to compromise in order for you to get the sleep that you need, it may be time to move on, my friend. I agree that she sounds incredibly insecure and immature. For me, this would be a deal breaker.

[Roy Fokker, BSN, RN]

I regret you're facing this storm on the home front when work is bad enough.

So she cried tonight that I could be such an insensitive jerk. "If I didn't wake you up, the garbage truck shows up or something else would wake you up. How could we have a baby?"

Is she for real? Children are a whole order of magnitude different than garbage trucks, lawn mowers and telemarketers. Is she 'testing you' in some bizarre fashion ("If I wake him up at odd hours and he doesn't get mad, then maybe he won't get mad when our babies wake us up at odd hours") ???

Do you share a satisfactory social/personal life despite your obvious shift/time conflicts? Do you think there's something lacking there?

I'm only asking because I'm trying to rule out the 'dissatisfied with personal life' angle. Maybe she's bored and thinks that the relationship has become stagnant?

Don't get me wrong - I think it's disrespectful of her to blow off your sleep/rest requirements. The interests of your partner should be equal to your own (and vice versa) - this is one of the corner stones of a committed relationship. An honest couple will let each partner have their rest - and compromise when they can't - all in the interests of preserving their mutual needs/wants.

Have a heart to heart with her (I know you have in the past, but try again). Explain how your chronic lack of sleep makes you tired and irritable (something she doesn't want to experience daily, right?) Seek out reasons for her behavior - is she feeling neglected because of the hours you keep? Determine the weight of her comments. Try to seek a compromise (while keeping in mind: your needs are as important as hers) if you genuinely think it will help the relationship.

Mutual compromise is the everlasting rubber band that holds relationships together.

At the same time, compromise needs to be a two way street. For if it's not, it might be time to snap that 'rubber band'.

My humble

- Roy

PS: One final question - did your girlfriend know about your hours (swing shift) before the two of you were a couple?

[husker_rn, RN]

I agree with a reality check. My hubby and teenage son had trouble keeping quiet when I started night shifts, so.....at 2 AM I started laundry, vacuuming, clanking dishes, all the things they had done. Told them I hoped my schedule didn't affect their sleep. Message received loud and clear. No more problems.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i agree with a reality check. my hubby and teenage son had trouble keeping quiet when i started night shifts, so.....at 2 am i started laundry, vacuuming, clanking dishes, all the things they had done. told them i hoped my schedule didn't affect their sleep. message received loud and clear. no more problems.

my father used to call just to chat around noon while i was trying to sleep during the day. i finally started returning his calls at midnight. no more problem with that. (then they started "dropping in" to visit about 8am when i was coming home. until the morning i came home from a date at 8am and found them sitting on my front porch. pretending i hadn't seen them, i engaged in a flagrant pda with my date. then, when they were totally embarrassed, i introduced them to him. they stopped that, too.) sometimes the only thing that will make someone understand what they're doing to you is when you return the favor.