stupid mom

Anisettes, BSN, RN · Nov 2, 2009

It's so hard to understand how/why women keep going back time and again to abusive men and hard NOT to judge them. But psychologically and emotionally speaking, THEY may not know why or have the resources on their own to break the cycle.

I saw this first hand with my sister, the one person in the entire world I never would have believed would put herself in that situation. She was ALWAYS in-your-face, F*** Off, etc... to ANYONE who gave her crap and then suddenly, inexplicably she was the classic case of taking him back over and over and over. No matter how many times he beat her, the cops got called, times he stole from her - nothing could get through to her, nothing.

We were helpless to break her out of it. Then suddenly one day she was sitting at the kitchen table fixing a frame and he came at her and without thinking (she said) she had picked up a hammer on the table and swung it at him hard. Had he not raised his arm to shield himself she would have cleaved his head/face with the claw end of it and maybe killed him. As it was she tore open his forearm to the bone. And just like that, she was done with him and she never let him back into her life again and that was over 10 years ago.

She's never been able to verbalize why it took her so long or what had made her stay with him for so long despite how he treated her, she said she herself doesn't know, she just knows something finally broke and that was that.

I don't the the reasons for it, I only know that your patient has a kind of sickness and even though it's hard and we can't 'see' the sickness, I really think we should try to be compassionate and continue to offer assistance as we can - even though we feel like we want to shake the hell out of her ourselves until she 'snaps out of it!'

I know it because I wanted to beat the crap out my sister for taking it, she made me so frustrated. But I loved her and she was truly 'sick' - how could you take that day in and day out and NOT be sick for taking it? I don't have answers, but I do feel sorry for that woman, because she is somebody's child, somebody's sister, somebody's mother. G'd help her and her kid(s). I hope she gets out of this relationship, but I won't hold my breath.

maxthecat · Nov 2, 2009

Merely giving somebody money doesn't give them the resources to get out of an abusive relationship. The abuser isn't just going to give up that power. Where are mom and baby going to hide out from him? Do you realize that the most likely stage for most women to be killed is when they take steps to end the relationship? Abusive relationships are hard to understand sometimes. I think there is an element of brainwashing that takes place. Anyway, it's not as simple as just saying, "Think about it logically, you need to get you and your baby out of this." Sorry, but the last thing I would call a mom in this situation is "stupid." "Tragic" perhaps.

Katie5 · Nov 2, 2009

Merely giving somebody money doesn't give them the resources to get out of an abusive relationship. The abuser isn't just going to give up that power. Where are mom and baby going to hide out from him? Do you realize that the most likely stage for most women to be killed is when they take steps to end the relationship? Abusive relationships are hard to understand sometimes. I think there is an element of brainwashing that takes place. Anyway, it's not as simple as just saying, "Think about it logically, you need to get you and your baby out of this." Sorry, but the last thing I would call a mom in this situation is "stupid." "Tragic" perhaps.

I thought tt was a bit harsh mysel- I was looking to read where she endangeered her baby.

Dalzac, LPN, LVN, RN · Nov 2, 2009

When I was young and really really stupid, I ran off with some guy basically just to get away from my mother.

He was a classic abuser, mental, physical, and emotional. I went half way across the country with him. One day I don't know wht happened and I packed my bags and when he passed out from the alchohol I took all his money and left. Went back to my family for support. He followed and tried to drag me by the hair to go back I just fought back Which was something I had never done. sometimes you are just through with the crap. Hopefully she will be able to get through it without dying An abuser can manipulate better than anyone. They can make you believe that they are the only ones that will ever love you. And you deserve all the misery they give you. Because in their mind you asked for it I divorced him in 1974 and to this day he haunts me He even told my kids, that he deserted right after they were born, That it was all my fault and he treated me good. I raised my kids all by myself with no child support, until they were adolescent and my currrent hubby adopted them Thank God they don't believe him It didn't take long to see his true colors.

The OP patient is just going to see her own breaking point

Ruthiegal · Nov 2, 2009

A family member went through this and went back after the abusive husband had literally ripped her hair out. It took another 6 months before he went after her with a broom handle and broke her windshield with a dresser drawer after she loaded up their kids to leave, he even broke out the back window while his kids were in the back seat. She explained that he was her addiction. It took a long time but after the 2nd incident she finally left for good. She explained that he was like a drug to her, and that is what made it so hard to leave. It isn't a matter of stupidity, it's a sickness, that they have to overcome.

LovebugLPN · Nov 2, 2009

I understand that people stay with abusive partners but I am glad when DYFS (or whatever it is called where you live) gets involved and takes the kids. I can't stand innocent children having to be apart of this. The OP is expressing frustration and she is so right in expressing it because it is what a lot of people are thinking when women choose the man over the child.

nurseontheway · Nov 2, 2009

It is very easy to judge someone when you haven't been in their shoes. It is very true that the mother may not have anyone else to turn to. Having a newborn is a very stressful time in your life anyway and ending a relationship at this point may just push her over the edge. There is a very strong emotional connection to someone even if they abuse you- I saw it first hand with my parents. I understand that you don't want the child to grow up in a bad environment. I just hope that she gets out before it is too late. I imagine that her feelings of self worth are probably next to none.

kcochrane · Nov 2, 2009

I thought tt was a bit harsh mysel- I was looking to read where she endangeered her baby.

If he is abusive to the gf, he could be abusive to the baby. But sometimes when the abuse moves to the child, the woman decides enough is a enough. I hope she gets out before this happens.

And if this baby is a boy, he gets to learn the same behavior as his father.

PurpleLVN · Nov 2, 2009

If he is abusive to the gf, he could be abusive to the baby. But sometimes when the abuse moves to the child, the woman decides enough is a enough. I hope she gets out before this happens.
And if this baby is a boy, he gets to learn the same behavior as his father.

And if the baby is a girl, and her mother stays relationships such as these, she grows up in this environment and may learn to accept these types of abusers as "normal" relationships. The pattern continues......

BabyLady, BSN, RN · Nov 2, 2009

Well, I guess it will take her baby getting it's head bashed in or put in the microwave before she can see that this boyfriend doesn't care about her or the baby..he only cares about controlling someone.

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Nov 2, 2009

There are a lot of dynamics in an abusive relationship and while I'd certainly rather anyone leave an abuser than stay with him/her, it's not as easy as it sounds. Those who've never been there are really blessed.