Sharing Personal Information at Work

[Urban_Durga]

I was recently hired onto a new unit, and am hoping to get some advice regarding tactful ways to deflect requests for personal information as a new staff member.

Let me start by acknowledging this: I fully understand that when my coworkers ask me about my personal life, they are just trying to get to know me, and have good intentions. I work in a great hospital and 99.9% of the people I've met and/or worked with have been incredibly nice.

However...

I've always been a fan of keeping my professional life and personal life separate. Every time I meet someone new at work, the first three questions put to me are, 1.) "Are you floating, or is this your permanent unit now?" (I'm obviously fine with this one), 2.) "Are you married?", and 3.) "Do you have kids?"

The questions I ask my coworkers upon getting to know them generally pertain to how long they've been on the unit, how long they've been in their profession (RNs, Techs, et.), if they had planned on working in our unit's specialty (Neuro.) and/or if they have a particular interest in the field, etc.

There are plenty of not-strictly-work-related conversations that I'm more than happy to have, but when it comes to talking about whether I'm married/single, have a boyfriend/partner, have kids, attend church/have a religious preference or beliefs, have siblings, etc., I'd rather keep that to myself and only disclose those bits of information if I feel it's appropriate and I'm comfortable with the discretion of the other person involved. Though I'm brand-new, I'm good at my job, outgoing, like to keep busy and help out, and have a good sense of humor. I'm not trying to hide out in a corner, or put up any "go away" signs or anything during my 12 hour shift. I just have a huge crush on healthy boundaries.

Here's my question:

Could other people who have been in a similar situation please give me a few suggestions for how to handle this in a friendly, tactful and respectful way that will allow me to keep the aforementioned information to myself? Of course, I'd rather not have the questions posed to me in the first place...however, I genuinely like all of the people I work with and hope I can find a solution that is a win-win for both me and them.

Thanks!

PS-

As I stated above, I DO understand why my coworkers are asking me about myself, and certainly don't question their motives. If you feel I'm being unreasonable, I'm okay with that and certainly can respect your opinion; however, I'd love to keep any replies on-topic with constructive suggestions. :redbeathe

[Urban_Durga]

Thank you very much, everyone, for all the great advice! It's really great to hear different perspectives on this. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. Keep the awesome suggestions coming!

[Urban_Durga]

Questioner: "um, well I just do." "They are my life after all." "Billy, Bobby, Joe Sue, Mathilda, Porshuuuuh, Chandelier, and Iron Man all go to sonso Elementary and are in grades 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7."

Hahaha...Porshuuuuh, Chandelier and Iron Man. Amazing. Maybe I should just start telling people those are the names of my kids when they ask! And maybe I should also add War Machine in there too...

I've also wondered if perhaps answering with a good-natured joke would also work? A patient asked me how old I was a couple weeks ago, and I responded, "Oh, I'm 76...don't I look great?" We both laughed, and he didn't ask again. I felt like he got the point, but by making it into a joke, he didn't feel offended or put off. He also asked later if I was married. I told him I'd been happily and secretly married to Bruce Wayne for several years. Again, we both laughed and I quickly followed up with asking if he was having any pain, if he wanted to get up and move around a bit, etc.

What do you guys think about using that tactic with coworkers, at least on occasion?

At some point, more intimate details of my life will come up naturally in conversation; I would just like the disclosure of that information to be at my discretion, and to those members of my team with whom I'm comfortable.

[pjpj]

We have a similar nurse on our ward and once she answered such questions as kids and marriage and reasons for not wanting either people were pleasantly satisfied with her honesty and friendliness...

[healthstar, BSN, RN]

If I was a new nurse in the unit, I would ask the same questions you did, how long have you worked as an RN, how long have you worked in this hospital etc. The first day of work I would never ask are you married? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you have kids? Because not everybody likes those types of questions, some people do not prefer to answer those. But if someone asks me these questions I don't mind answering. It also depends what kind of personality you have, everytime I meet new people they read their life story to me. I am a type of person that I do not talk much about my life, my family etc, I listen more than I talk :) Of course I answer questions when asked.

if you feel comfortable talking about your personal life the first day of work go ahead if not then do not spend a lot of time talking to other nurses :)

[RNngldbp, RN]

We spend about 1/3 to 1/2 of our lives at work, with our co-workers...we become a part of each others lives whether we like it or not. People sometimes ask questions just to be polite, or to simply move time along on the 12 shift, and sometimes it is to earnestly "get to know you". Don't take yourself to seriously, and think that you are all that interesting, most people forget your details about 10 minutes after the conversation is finished. Don't you do the same??

[LindsayLu]

Everyone has a right to keep private what they want to keep private. I think you have to weigh your priorities. I'm sure that your co-workers would respect a kind response that you'd like to keep that information to yourself, but a lot of people don't think of marital status or kids as being all that private, so they might not understand. I personally would be willing to answer a couple of questions in return for amiable relationships with my co-workers. :)

I think when you're new, people will inquire about your life no matter what. But as you work there longer, and don't volunteer personal information, they'll learn that you're a more private person. It might draw less attention to answer a couple of questions now and let your personal life settle to the background, than to make people wonder.

[swayman2202]

I agree with the previous posts, but there is a point that private life becomes annoying. A co worker of mine alwasy talks about how she sleeps with this guy behind her husbands bakc and all this other stuff about her screwed up life and i personally dont care at all about her life.

[silverbat]

In a weird twist: I was once accused of being TOO personal with other staff asking them the questions the OP proposed: How long have you been an RN, etc.. and NOT asking the are you married, etc questions...sheesh

Sometimes you cain't win for loosin!!!

[petgroomer]

I like having my "30 seconds commercial" with the info I'm willing to share.

" I'm married and have a wonderful dog "

Having a dog is a great starting point to start turning the conversation around or just deflecting it back to the questioner.

I've learned the hard way that sharing info is a double edged sword that could turn against you at the most unexpected time.

[cehhw]

I never liked discussing my personal life at work either. But health care is a very social environment from my experience. Groups go out together with their spouses, Christmas parties, get together on their days off & on & on. I was never a part of it liking to keep my personal & work life separate. All it did was make my co-workers curious about me. I blurred the lines a little, but I never liked it & never figured out how not to discuss me & mine or my life without seeming aloof. I'm not sure it's possible in long term positions. Alas I think I was considered a cross between snobby and or weird, even tho I laughed and talked with everyone all the time. I just wasn't talking about me & mine.

[Beijos]

I understand the relationship question and why you might not want to provide that information. I doubt this is the situation that you are in but when I initially started on my unit, I hated that question. Not because I didn't like answering it but I hated the comments and questions that insued afterward. This is because I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 years. The reaction I got from nearly everyone is...why aren't you married? Well who cares? Do you have to be married to be happy? No. Everyone has their reasons. So I tried to avoid the question at first because they made me feel like there was something wrong with it (in a way) by saying things like well someone must be this or that. When you hear things enough, it can upset you. As they got to know me and him better they realized it was nothing in the rumor mill. Now I still hate float people asking me because you can see the judgement on their face but it's happened so many times it almost doesn't annoy me anymore. Anyway, tell them what you want. I understand everyone has their reasons for why they might not tell others about topics that don't seem personal to others. Just know people talk either way...if you tell them or if you don't.

[talaxandra]

I don't have a problem discussing this kind of information with my colleagues (I'm old, boring and have been there forever, so nobody really cares anyway) but I get them a lot from patients.

Are you married? Not at the moment.

Do you have any children? Not as far as I know - as I'm a girl, that usually stops the conversation :)