I was recently hired onto a new unit, and am hoping to get some advice regarding tactful ways to deflect requests for personal information as a new staff member.
Let me start by acknowledging this: I fully understand that when my coworkers ask me about my personal life, they are just trying to get to know me, and have good intentions. I work in a great hospital and 99.9% of the people I've met and/or worked with have been incredibly nice.
However...
I've always been a fan of keeping my professional life and personal life separate. Every time I meet someone new at work, the first three questions put to me are, 1.) "Are you floating, or is this your permanent unit now?" (I'm obviously fine with this one), 2.) "Are you married?", and 3.) "Do you have kids?"
The questions I ask my coworkers upon getting to know them generally pertain to how long they've been on the unit, how long they've been in their profession (RNs, Techs, et.), if they had planned on working in our unit's specialty (Neuro.) and/or if they have a particular interest in the field, etc.
There are plenty of not-strictly-work-related conversations that I'm more than happy to have, but when it comes to talking about whether I'm married/single, have a boyfriend/partner, have kids, attend church/have a religious preference or beliefs, have siblings, etc., I'd rather keep that to myself and only disclose those bits of information if I feel it's appropriate and I'm comfortable with the discretion of the other person involved. Though I'm brand-new, I'm good at my job, outgoing, like to keep busy and help out, and have a good sense of humor. I'm not trying to hide out in a corner, or put up any "go away" signs or anything during my 12 hour shift. I just have a huge crush on healthy boundaries.
Here's my question:
Could other people who have been in a similar situation please give me a few suggestions for how to handle this in a friendly, tactful and respectful way that will allow me to keep the aforementioned information to myself? Of course, I'd rather not have the questions posed to me in the first place...however, I genuinely like all of the people I work with and hope I can find a solution that is a win-win for both me and them.
Thanks!
PS-
As I stated above, I DO understand why my coworkers are asking me about myself, and certainly don't question their motives. If you feel I'm being unreasonable, I'm okay with that and certainly can respect your opinion; however, I'd love to keep any replies on-topic with constructive suggestions. :redbeathe
"I’d just like to find a polite and/or humorous way to maybe deflect some of the deeper probing until I’m a bit more settled in." Quote from OP's post # 7
That's the perfect answer! It demonstrates your disquiet with becoming personal too soon, and that should be respected. Hind sight being 20/20, had you answered the first inquiry about your marital status that way, and added something about not wanting to pursue working relationships into social ones until you are more comfortable doing that, possibly the requests for dates wouldn't have occurred.
Honesty is what most people aim toward in any setting, and it establishes trust.
No matter how humerous you can be, it is best to be straight and respect others who want to know more about you, that way. From the profile that's below your identification, you have a lot of self knowledge and a past laden with responsibility for others who have emotional problems. It's wise that you keep new people at a distance until they give you very good reasons to get closer.
Keep those boundaries intact, and don't be sucked into wasting offduty time with people with whom you haven't seen any reason to do that. Some nurses want to know if you're married, out of concern about waking someone else up if they desperately need a replacement, in the middle of the night. Same reason for wanting to know if you have children..... It's mostly self centered reasons, to know your availability in a needy staffing situation.
Since you were "hit" upon several times soon after your arrival, it seems that you're not hard to look at, and give off good vibes. That shouldn't be new to you. So if you went into a social relationship too early in another work situation, just say that you'd like more time in this job, to get to know everyone, to avoid a possible "situation". You don't have to be specific. They'll get your drift. Then go about your work without worry.
hmmmm. I could be TOTALLY wrong on this, and if I am, please just disregard my post, LOL.
From reading your posts, it sounds to me like you may live an "alternative" lifestyle that you are afraid will bring judgement upon you from your colleagues. You dont want to tell them, and yet you dont want to lie.
If this is the case, then this is a situation that will come up throught your entire life, and you probably need to just be honest with them.....especially if you are planning on staying there long term.
If this is not the case, then you should probably know that being secretive will bring people to possibly come to this conclusion about you. and (as has been said before) sharing some information is better than being totally closed.
For the record, I work with several nurses with alternative lifestyles so to speak.....and everyone gets along just fine. They are not hiding it or skirting the issue though.....if they did, there would probably be more rumor mill talk. I am just saying.
I hope I made my point and did not sound harsh....I didnt mean to.
I understand the relationship question and why you might not want to provide that information. I doubt this is the situation that you are in but when I initially started on my unit, I hated that question. Not because I didn't like answering it but I hated the comments and questions that insued afterward. This is because I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 years. The reaction I got from nearly everyone is...why aren't you married? Well who cares? Do you have to be married to be happy? No. Everyone has their reasons. So I tried to avoid the question at first because they made me feel like there was something wrong with it (in a way) by saying things like well someone must be this or that. When you hear things enough, it can upset you. As they got to know me and him better they realized it was nothing in the rumor mill. Now I still hate float people asking me because you can see the judgement on their face but it's happened so many times it almost doesn't annoy me anymore. Anyway, tell them what you want. I understand everyone has their reasons for why they might not tell others about topics that don't seem personal to others. Just know people talk either way...if you tell them or if you don't.
This, in my experience, seems like the main reason why certain people like to know personal details about you. They turn it into a subtle, daily, seemingly innocuous dig material - say little judgmental or critical things that make themselves feel better, but can have a profound affect on you.
That's a big reason why I don't share right off the bat. Those who have a tendency to be this way tend to show their true colors either way.
As a Medical Librarian, I am in the minority here (needless to say!) and in my profession (mostly women and gay men...) I'm the anomaly (Married male, fairly conservative, NRA member, Grandfather, etc.). My outgoing personality is such that there are aspects of what I've shared on this listserv that I would NOT share with my coworkers. NOW, that having been said, I have had students at our university (and some professional colleagues) who have 'figured' out some of my more private aspects, including those not listed above.
My suggestion, in line with others, is to figure out what you are comfortable revealing and go with it. If they ask about children, you might say "my niece(s) and nephew(s) are all the children I can handle right now"...If they ask about your marital status, you might say "to my career...for the moment" or something like that. As the others have already said, if you do not answer ANY questions, your coworkers will assume you are an 'Ice Queen' and you will wind up neither getting asked any questions NOR getting invited to any informal employee get-togethers...something to consider!
Specializes in LTC, geriatric/psych, Substance abuse.
Am I old-fashioned or what? Dating in the workplace.....I know people do it, and TV shows make it nearly mandatory to add drama to the drama, but how not smart it is! I'm all for making it part of my professional creed NOT to open myself up to that possibility EVER. How many different ways can you pronounce AWKWARD...... this is the perfect set up in which to find out! As a single woman, not bad to the eye, I've worked in 3 different healthcare settings in the past 10 years, and in each one I've made it clear that I do not date coworkers the very first time someone even remotely suggests a hook up. Nothing personal in the "no".....I just don't do it. Period. Word gets around fast that I'm not up for grabs (pun intended).
My coworkers and I have developed strong ties based on respect and trust while working through difficult situations together in the professional setting. We have a very strong team. Sometimes we do see each other outside the workplace, but it is an infrequent, healthy, non-dating, group related activity, always secondary to our professional ties.
I haven't dated anyone on my ward, but we've had five successful, long-term relationships develop (all still together, for between two and eleven years), and one harmoniously concluded relationship (after eighteen months), and a smattering of brief liaisons that didn't interfere with the smooth running of the ward. I'm not saying I think workplace relationships are advisable, but they can work out well :)
Could other people who have been in a similar situation please give me a few suggestions for how to handle this in a friendly, tactful and respectful way that will allow me to keep the aforementioned information to myself? Of course, I'd rather not have the questions posed to me in the first place...however, I genuinely like all of the people I work with and hope I can find a solution that is a win-win for both me and them.
When asked for personal information I am not comfortable sharing with I nonchalantly ask "Why do you want to know?", then follow it up with a big smile.:) That usually stops there. But if they insist in giving reasons and explanations as to why, I would gently tell them that it is just one of the very few things I would like to keep to myself at present. Any person mature enough would push no further. Another variation would be to challengingly tell the person-" Hmmm, give me one terrific reason why I should tell you.", and look at the person in the eye with grin on my face. When the person gives an answer, whatever the answer, I pretend to give it a careful, deep consideration:rolleyes:, and say " uhmm, sorry not good enough!":nono: And more often than not, it would be taken as a respectful, friendly, and tactful way of wanting to maintain certain boundaries. It works for me when coworkers or anyone would ask me things like when i lost my virginity, or did i sleep with the boss last week ( not that I did nor do i have any plans), or any other question i decide to be just sensitive for me. I'm not sure if it will be regarded as snobbish, defensive, or unfriendly in your case. Because when someone asks me, even if asked by a total stranger if I am married I would gladly answer " Just once yet" (which is totally true); and when asked if i have kids I'd answer " Yeah, 7 in fact, with the same woman." ( which is also totally true). Some tactics you mentioned earlier, i must confess, are fantastic. Of course, only you can decide your own boundaries;but hey can't you loosen up a bit?
People at work have asked when you lost your virginity and if you slept with your boss?! Well, that's just ridiculous!
I'm quite fond of "why do you ask?" as well, but if asked either of the above questions by someone I didn't consider a friend, I suspect my response would be a little bluer.
People at work have asked when you lost your virginity and if you slept with your boss?! Well, that's just ridiculous!
I'm quite fond of "why do you ask?" as well, but if asked either of the above questions by someone I didn't consider a friend, I suspect my response would be a little bluer.
Oh yes, it's ridiculous. Not that those questions were asked the first time you met.When people get to become your friends and because they think you are close enough they can ask you all sorts of ridiculous questions. What I'm saying is that its is really up to the individual to determine his own boundaries with strangers, acquaintances,friends, close friends,intimates, and even spouses.
(and then, if you are confident in yourself, what people think shouldnt matter if you dont give out personal info....)
i think that the people i like to work with, dont really care what my personal life consists of. if they like me, they like me. and if they dont, then who cares!
i am usually redirecting the question back towards them and it works out well because a lot of people like to talk about themselves.
but it doesnt hurt to give them a couple pieces to chew on once and awhile.
^This! Lighthearted demographics at best, but it's good to be careful with sharing about your life at work. It's amazing what people ending up doing. I just don't roll that way. Don't care about the gossip and so forth. I mean I am nice and friendly, but I have learned it's best to be wisely cordial--keep it light. Don't go into trouble with the kids, husband, whatever. Don't share that your S.O. has been layed off. Some brief, light stuff about perhaps how you are from the area or not and that you have enjoyed with many of the people their, and then MOVE IT TO THEM. Truth noted above. People do really want to talk about themselves for the most part. You will come off looking like a great and wonderful person if you carefully and cordially move it back to them and just let them go on about themselves and their own lives. Some people are the exception, and they more than likely want to find things about to be nosey and then theorize about you or worse yet, somehow loop into negative group dynamics about you while you are none the wiser. No, not all do that, thank God, but enough people do--and I guess it's b/c some people have this strange need to control and can easily feel threatened. When a new person comes along, they want to size up how this newbie could rock their status within the group. I find these people sad but also funny at the same time. It's like, work on loving yourself in the right way from the inside out, do your job, and help others in their endeavors to help the patients, and well, basically get a life that is positive and not primarily negative. But if this could simply be done w/ everyone, well, I guess we'd have a perfect world.
So that's why I give the quote posted a . Be pleasant and non-defensive and cordial. Share some safe and more benign demographics. Move it to how the folks around here (the new area you are in now) have been great. Then move it to something like "So how long have you been here?" "How does the work schedule after your ability to get things done on your days off?" Something like that so that they start talking about their personal life and family and how it ties in w/ the work schedule and so forth. Look for interesting points that they share so that you can follow up on those points and keep it on them. They'll go on, and then things will get busy with your patient, or you will look up at the clock or whatever and say, "I be re-check Ms. Dunn's pain and BP again, since I've had to titrate up on the Nitro twice already." So now you are being on the ball with your pts,but you seem easy to talk to and friendly as you listened to another colleague talk about their lives.
See what I mean?
There is nothing wrong with this either. You aren't manipulating in a negative sense. You are re-directing, much like we were talk to do with patients when they get off track. Asking the right questions in the write way and active listening can really work in a productive way.
But you do realize, in time, folks are going to ask more questions about your family and life. I mean think about it. Holidays come up. "So what are doing for Thanksgiving w/ your family?" "Are your kids excited about Halloween?" OK, so then they find out you don't have any. "Where are you going on your vacation?" People will ask and they will wonder. You can refect and move things back to them, but in time as they share about their lives, your lack of sharing about yours will cause a lot of wondering and talk. Now me, listen, if you don't want to share about your life, I am totally good with that. But others will find it strange and/or will conclude your are being unduly aloof about such things. But if you feel strongly about this, try why I and others have suggested and then just stay really busy. Be a supportive colleague. If opportunities come up to switch with someone, and you can do it, consider doing it--just don't become the patsy for this. Listen and be there for others, and eventually people will think "Hey, this person is just more reserved but is cool and good to work with, so who cares."
Lighthearted demographics at best, but it's good to be careful with sharing about your life at work. It's amazing what people ending up doing. I just don't roll that way. Don't care about the gossip and so forth. I mean I am nice and friendly, but I have learned it's best to be wisely cordial--keep it light. Don't go into trouble with the kids, husband, whatever. Don't share that your S.O. has been layed off. Some brief, light stuff about perhaps how you are from the area or not and that you have enjoyed with many of the people their, and then MOVE IT TO THEM. Truth noted above. People do really want to talk about themselves for the most part. You will come off looking like a great and wonderful person if you carefully and cordially move it back to them and just let them go on about themselves and their own lives. Some people are the exception, and they more than likely want to find things about to be nosey and then theorize about you or worse yet, somehow loop into negative group dynamics about you while you are none the wiser. No, not all do that, thank God, but enough people do--and I guess it's b/c some people have this strange need to control and can easily feel threatened. When a new person comes along, they want to size up how this newbie could rock their status within the group. I find these people sad but also funny at the same time. It's like, work on loving yourself in the right way from the inside out, do your job, and help others in their endeavors to help the patients, and well, basically get a life that is positive and not primarily negative. But if this could simply be done w/ everyone, well, I guess we'd have a perfect world.
lamazeteacher
2,170 Posts
"I’d just like to find a polite and/or humorous way to maybe deflect some of the deeper probing until I’m a bit more settled in." Quote from OP's post # 7
That's the perfect answer! It demonstrates your disquiet with becoming personal too soon, and that should be respected. Hind sight being 20/20, had you answered the first inquiry about your marital status that way, and added something about not wanting to pursue working relationships into social ones until you are more comfortable doing that, possibly the requests for dates wouldn't have occurred.
Honesty is what most people aim toward in any setting, and it establishes trust.
No matter how humerous you can be, it is best to be straight and respect others who want to know more about you, that way. From the profile that's below your identification, you have a lot of self knowledge and a past laden with responsibility for others who have emotional problems. It's wise that you keep new people at a distance until they give you very good reasons to get closer.
Keep those boundaries intact, and don't be sucked into wasting offduty time with people with whom you haven't seen any reason to do that. Some nurses want to know if you're married, out of concern about waking someone else up if they desperately need a replacement, in the middle of the night. Same reason for wanting to know if you have children..... It's mostly self centered reasons, to know your availability in a needy staffing situation.
Since you were "hit" upon several times soon after your arrival, it seems that you're not hard to look at, and give off good vibes. That shouldn't be new to you. So if you went into a social relationship too early in another work situation, just say that you'd like more time in this job, to get to know everyone, to avoid a possible "situation". You don't have to be specific. They'll get your drift. Then go about your work without worry.