Sharing Personal Information at Work

[Urban_Durga]

I was recently hired onto a new unit, and am hoping to get some advice regarding tactful ways to deflect requests for personal information as a new staff member.

Let me start by acknowledging this: I fully understand that when my coworkers ask me about my personal life, they are just trying to get to know me, and have good intentions. I work in a great hospital and 99.9% of the people I've met and/or worked with have been incredibly nice.

However...

I've always been a fan of keeping my professional life and personal life separate. Every time I meet someone new at work, the first three questions put to me are, 1.) "Are you floating, or is this your permanent unit now?" (I'm obviously fine with this one), 2.) "Are you married?", and 3.) "Do you have kids?"

The questions I ask my coworkers upon getting to know them generally pertain to how long they've been on the unit, how long they've been in their profession (RNs, Techs, et.), if they had planned on working in our unit's specialty (Neuro.) and/or if they have a particular interest in the field, etc.

There are plenty of not-strictly-work-related conversations that I'm more than happy to have, but when it comes to talking about whether I'm married/single, have a boyfriend/partner, have kids, attend church/have a religious preference or beliefs, have siblings, etc., I'd rather keep that to myself and only disclose those bits of information if I feel it's appropriate and I'm comfortable with the discretion of the other person involved. Though I'm brand-new, I'm good at my job, outgoing, like to keep busy and help out, and have a good sense of humor. I'm not trying to hide out in a corner, or put up any "go away" signs or anything during my 12 hour shift. I just have a huge crush on healthy boundaries.

Here's my question:

Could other people who have been in a similar situation please give me a few suggestions for how to handle this in a friendly, tactful and respectful way that will allow me to keep the aforementioned information to myself? Of course, I'd rather not have the questions posed to me in the first place...however, I genuinely like all of the people I work with and hope I can find a solution that is a win-win for both me and them.

Thanks!

PS-

As I stated above, I DO understand why my coworkers are asking me about myself, and certainly don't question their motives. If you feel I'm being unreasonable, I'm okay with that and certainly can respect your opinion; however, I'd love to keep any replies on-topic with constructive suggestions. :redbeathe

[CoffeeRTC, BSN, RN]

LLG has great advice.

You could answer a basic question and then use some humor "wow..twenty questions, huh?" and then turn your attention to the person asking.."hey, how about you..are you married?" "What do you think about xyx?" or change the subject all together " Have you been watching Lost?"

[Urban_Durga]

I agree. In the long run, you may find that if you voluntarily give out a little information, they will stop asking. But if you refuse to give any information, it will only stimulate speculation and gossip.

My suggestion is to compromise. Holding rigid to a firm line in the sand that you have drawn will only make your situation worse. Be a little flexible and give them a little information... then steer the conversation elsewhere by asking them a question or changing the topic.

For example, "Are you married?" ... "No ... how about you?" and then follow up with another question or two to lead them away from the topic of your relationship status.

You have to be able to carry on social conversations that are not work-related to maintain those good working relationships. You don't have to "bare all," but if you can't "fit in" by being included into the casual conversations, it will hurt your career possibilities.

Thank you for your suggestion regarding giving a direct yet concise answer and then moving over to hearing about them. I think that's a great idea. I definitely agree with you about the little information vs. no information; that's a very good point for me to keep in mind.

And I absolutely don't want to imply that I'm anti-social or can't have a casual conversation, in fact quite the opposite. I'm just looking for ways to keep it weighted more toward the casual/hobby/interests conversations.

And, it may just work out that in this environment (hospital), the expectations for initial, getting-to-know you info. are just different from what I'm accustomed to!

Thanks for taking the time to put in your :]

[Zookeeper3]

thank you for your suggestion regarding giving a direct yet concise answer and then moving over to hearing about them. i think that's a great idea. i definitely agree with you about the little information vs. no information; that's a very good point for me to keep in mind.

and i absolutely don't want to imply that i'm anti-social or can't have a casual conversation, in fact quite the opposite. i'm just looking for ways to keep it weighted more toward the casual/hobby/interests conversations.

and, it may just work out that in this environment (hospital), the expectations for initial, getting-to-know you info. are just different from what i'm accustomed to!

thanks for taking the time to put in your :]

i agree with you 100%, but this purely focuses upon the initial conversation. it lacks the ... "what do you do later, when your trying to bond with your peers.

this type of rhetoric lasts for a bit, then your peers might have a genuine interest in your life. this is missing that point. sometimes we spend more time at work then with our spouse or family depending upon sleep pattern, scheduling and what not.

and if you really want to go in to particulars, these are the people that have your back, when all hell breaks loose, you bond... or some let you sink. those that are lucky enough to have others pull them out of the deepest pool of crap will naturally form a bond, gain trust and want to know more about the other person.

i'ts what we do, we have each others backs in the worst of situations, how can we not bond?

[Chico David, BSN, RN]

I would agree entirely with the idea of giving a very brief answer and then turning the conversation to the other person. An interesting note from my own history, is that it appears that once women reach a certain age, some of them seem to feel they have an inherent right to pry into the private lives of younger people - and that seems to go double if the younger person is male. When I was a young new nurse, the primary purveyors of intrusive questions were women 20 or more years older. I became a manager very early, so my stock response when I was asked if I had children was to say "Just look around you".

[Zookeeper3]

I'm simply saying, be cautious at first as we all do, but be open to others

[Zookeeper3]

Last note from me and I'm off this thread, but when and how have we gotten to the point that chico states? If you are there, I promise you... there is better out there and should opportunites arise in your future, you grab them. What others are saying is not how it has to be in your future relationship with your peers.

We're just naturally curious and want to get to know you... no agenda here. My nursing friend, you're in the wrong place if you question the motive. I'm done here. I wish you the best .

[metal_m0nk, BSN, RN]

No one can tell you or decide for you what your personal boundaries are. They are unique to you and you have every right to them. Those who are genuinely kind and mature adults will understand or at least respect your boundaries. Those who are prone to gossip and rumor spreading will gossip and rumor spread no matter what you tell them (or omit). For me personally, I'd rather they not use my personal life as ammunition. They can make up whatever they wish and I will feel quite cozy with the notion that they haven't got a clue what they're talking about.

As for how to approach the situation, I simply tell people I'm not comfortable discussing my personal life at work and redirect the conversation to discussing work instead. Some will get downright offended, may even hold a grudge. Don't let that affect your interactions with them. Treat them with decency and respect, be nice, but maintain your boundaries. Eventually (if they've ever learned to self soothe), they will catch on that you're not keeping things from them to be malicious, and feel comfortable in the fact that your personal boundaries don't color how you treat them personally and don't interfere with your working relationship. Once I've had a chance to really get a feel for who is trustworthy and who isn't, I tend to open up a little. But there is no way I'm going to lay all my cards out on the table on day one. And no one is going to convince me to do so.

[Finallydidit]

I think they are just asking these questions to try and find a "common ground" with you.. If you are married with kids, you may click with someone in the same situation, or single and dating, you may click with the others that head to the bars after you clock out at 11pm.... They just really want to know your situation so they can build a relationship based on "who you are" not just "Nurse Nancy"

Personally I talk with all that I work with and can usually find something in common with each of them, and play therapist for alot of them, however, no one that I work with has my phone number, my facebook or myspace account, nor do I socialize with them outside of work in anyway, because my downtime belongs to me. But while at work in the eyes of the families that I care for, Im sure that it appears that we are all one big happy family and the best of friends.

[midinphx, BSN]

Smile nicely and say "I'm kinda shy about sharing personal things". Then go find something to do real quick (exit stage left...).

[MaryEMT]

I am not an RN yet but I have never faced this kind of questioning in any working environment--at least not in the begining. Conversations happen naturally and things about your maritial status, kids etc...might come at out in one story or another. I'm sure your coworkers have the best of intentions but I think it is much more sociable to start with less intimate questions, you certainly do not need to share those details of your life to bond with coworkers. Talking about work, tv shows hobbies etc...should help create work bonds and you will find out if and when you want to share other details about your life once you get to know people. In my opinion your coworkers are being just a teensy bit rude (do you plan on getting married, having kids etc...).

It sounds like you have handled this well though( I would have been quite perturbed with 20 follow up questions and them sharing your relationship with others)! I think the other suggestions are great. If I'm uncomfortable with a question I try and change the subject or put it back on the questioner (politely of course). I work at a drug rehab facility for adolescents so healthy boundaries both with clients and coworkers are often talked about. The above strageties have worked with me for persistent clients so I would assume that it would work for coworkers as well. I hope things are go well for you!

[greenfiremajick]

Questioner: "How many kids do you have?"

You: "I take it you have kids?"

Questioner: "Yes, yes I do."

You: Really? "How many?"

Questioner; "7."

You: Really? "Really; that many?" "How do you manage?" "Where do they go to school?" "And how old are the little darlings?"

Questioner: "um, well I just do." "They are my life after all." "Billy, Bobby, Joe Sue, Mathilda, Porshuuuuh, Chandelier, and Iron Man all go to sonso Elementary and are in grades 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7."

You: "Aw, how sweet--they sound amazing." "Oh, excuse me I have to get this......"

Deflect and begin questioning them, yourself.....Works most of the time when you want to avoid answering a question. Also asking "Why would you want to know that?" and then following up with questions about their reasoning for asking and then offering a small personal tidbit you don't mind sharing, can be most effective. Ensure this is done with a smile on your face, at all times.............

I should probably also add a few specific reasons for this, in addition to just personal preference...

1.) In the six weeks I've been at my hospital (floating to various units before finding my permanent home), I've been asked for my phone number/out on a date by 3 people (during the first 12-hr shift we worked together/had met). I'm certainly not bragging about this...just hoping to explain. Two of those times, it seems it resulted, at least in part, from 2 female staff members informing 2 male staff members that I'm "not married" (I've been answering the questions posed to me so far since I haven't come up with an appropriate/creative/humorous alternative yet). Thankfully, on all three occasions, the guys in question weren't creepy or excessively inappropriate, but as I'm sure you can infer from my OP, that's not a situation in which I'm looking to find myself while at work. I gave a simple and very polite "No" each time, and behaved no differently toward them after being approached. I certainly didn't want the day to become awkward, or for them to feel embarrassed. Only one pressed me for reasons why I had declined, at which point I let him know I wasn't comfortable going into any of that with him.

2.) The initial "Are you married?/Do you have kids?" questions are new to me in this particular job. I haven't encountered this at other places I've worked in the past (again...not questioning motives, everyone's been very nice). I'm more accustomed to questions about where I've worked before, where I'm going to school, how I found my way to the company/job, etc.

3.) I've always had almost exclusively male friends, was a tomboy, and for the most part, my previous workplaces had slightly more men than women, so this may be unique due to the demographic being different from what I'm accustomed to (as RNPerDiem suggested above).

4.) My answers to personal questions generally are not what is expected by the person asking, and invariably leads them to ask follow-ups that feel more objectively invasive (such as, "Why aren't you married?", "Do you want to get married?", "You don't have ANY kids? How old are you?", [i'm 27, just as a point-of-reference] "When are you going to have kids?", "Are you a Christian?", "Do you like to go out? What do you drink?", "Why don't you drink?", etc., etc.)

Again, I'm not saying I need to be the unit Sphinx or anything, I'd just like to find a polite and/or humorous way to maybe deflect some of the deeper probing until I'm a bit more settled in. :]

[loriangel14, RN]

You are within your rights to decide how much personal info to share and when. But I have to admit that in my workplace we share all the details with each other. We spend so many hours together at work and get together outside of work that we pretty much know each others lives top to bottom.It forms a bond and fosters understanding of who the other person is and how it affects what kind of nurse they are.We give support when a coworker is going through some sort of crisis.We also share experiences and advice on raising kids and coping with aging families.