I have a elderly couple I have worked with for 2 years. The wife just went through a stroke and lost her memory of her husband for a while. It was very very sad, he would be helping her and she didn't know who he was and screamed that there was a man in her room..the whole bit. But bless the husband...he stood true, left if she asked, and just continued to show her so much love and compassion that she got some memory back...but otherwise fell in love with him all over again!
So, last night they decided to make love so they asked very polietly if the caregivers did not interupt them for an hour or two. The caregiver certainly agreed and worked out a code knock system for when she could come in and give them their evening meds so as not to disturb them...awesome!
But alas...a nurse put a stop to this! Her reasoning is that the woman is volunerable, unable to make that choice, must...at her age...have an atophied uterus/vaginia, and can not achieve lubrication. Then she proceeded to say..get this..a man of 93 can NOT get an erection!
I was friggen floored! I told her that this was a very healthy responce, it is a dignity issue, and that you can have sexual intercourse at that age and that is was a natural healthy way for a man and wife to show their love for one another...she thought I was off my rocker!
I arranged a private dinner in their room tonight, caregivers are NOT to go in until the call light is pulled at 2200 to signal they may come in, and even took the wife aside and asked about any lubrication needs she may have and I could have those ordered. She did take me up on that offer because "I want him to love me again, and being that close is so wonderful!~".
90's don't mean you are sexually dead, and I can't believe someone would tell a man and wife NO! Makes me sick!
I also found that some of my widowed female residents have personal massage aids as well...and three women had them taken away once the management found out. I said..well if that is the case, then we better mitten the hands of some of the gents?!?!? My goodness...you have a sexual loving healthy relationship till your mate dies..and you have to give it all up (even if it is self???).
What are your thoughts on sexual health of the elderly??? I think it is an important part of being a human being, and a great way to relieve stress and feel good about yourself no matter what your age (age of consent of course)....
Specializes in Education, Acute, Med/Surg, Tele, etc.
BTW! The couple had a nice romantic night so I was told by the husband who thanked me so very much! (I tried not to blush!).
OHHHHHHHH and get this...since I made it clear that NO person can be denied legal 'massage aides' in my state...they are being so very cautious of even discussing it! LOL! BUT...I had a woman who has had cancer removal on her cervix, lady parts, and the clittoris had to be removed...she was using one and hurt herself something fierce! She continued to use said device despite pain..oh man did that put me into a hard spot!!!!!!!
I had a talk with her...and she said she would use it only with adequate lube, which I obtained with Doctors order (most interesting one I have had to write so far! LOL!). She was most thankful, and obviously despite the removal of so much from those regions, still has feeling and desire.
If I wasn't there..it would have been taken..and with just cause actually since it is a harm to her...but she is very 'with it' and just needed a friendly Nurse to help her understand the reasons we are concerned, and what to do if she persisted...
I am rather proud of that :)...and she told me she would check in with me to see how it is going (IE more pain, bleeding, or what not").
Her explaination..simple..."dear, I have cancer but the desire to live...and I like my sexuality despite no partner...heck with it...I have the means, we now have the know how...let me do this...the cancer is going to kill me anyway...why not live?".
Now if it was only nursing practice to help her find a more 'user friendly" one..but I can't go there huh? (IE smaller or more anatomically fitting device with that change).
Most definitely rights are being violated. Please call your local ombudsman council. This can be done and no one knows you called anonymously. This is so very wrong of the staff. And if the women want there vibrators it is there right to have them. Please email me if you have any questions.
National Long Term Care Ombudsman Resource Center Be an Ombudsman, one smile lasts a lifetime in your heart.
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."
We've been studying this in my CNA class. The nurse is violating the Resident's Bill Of Rights. They have the right to privacy during visits with a spouse and to even share a room when they reside in the same facility. The nurse is violating several rights actually:
The Right to Personal Privacy and Confidentiality
The Right to make Personal choices
The Right to be Treated with Courtesy and Dignity
The Right to Privacy for Married Couples
The nurse could be charged with abuse, so maybe you should remind her of this. She is trying to ruin a beautiful thing between this husband and wife and that makes me sick. Their story reminds me of that movie "The Notebook".
Yes! and a private area should be provided for consenting adults (that are able to make reasonable decisions) to engage in sex, personal gratification, or even to view Media, if they are so inclined. :stone
Clearly these womn (the nurses, that is) find the idea of older people have sexual feelings and desires uncomfortable. I can understand that position, but to paraphrase another member, it's not about you, ladies, it's about the patient!
I find the idea of marital aids being illegal anywhere bizarre, but that aside - aren't long term care facilities supposed to be people's homes? Surely you don't lose the right to own your own possessions just because you've celebrated x birthdays or have sustained some loss of independance.
Good on ya, TriageRN - would that there were more like you :yelclap: :cheers: :flowersfo
excuse me but i thought it was a personal decision of whether or not to have sex with someone, and nobody elses! and the idea that they can't at their age is nuts... obviously they can cuz they are! this is part of the problem of why the elderly have such high std infection rates. no one wants to believe they are having sex and those who do think they shouldn't. when the r. kelly sex tape came out (i still haven't seen it) my grandmother was so kind to enlighten me on it's details.
personally, i plan on having sex until it's physically not possible!
i once had a resident at a nh i worked out who was blind and in her mid ninities...she chewed tobacco and would hollar to all who would listen ' i want some two two...that is my ambition
Specializes in Alzheimer's, Geriatrics, Chem. Dep..
Clearly these womn (the nurses, that is) find the idea of older people have sexual feelings and desires uncomfortable. I can understand that position, but to paraphrase another member, it's not about you, ladies, it's about the patient!
I find the idea of marital aids being illegal anywhere bizarre, but that aside - aren't long term care facilities supposed to be people's homes? Surely you don't lose the right to own your own possessions just because you've celebrated x birthdays or have sustained some loss of independance.
Good on ya, TriageRN - would that there were more like you :yelclap: :cheers: :flowersfo
Specializes in Education, Acute, Med/Surg, Tele, etc.
You guys are awesome and thanks for the support! Maybe I should specialize in geri sexual health..I didn't know I was so passionate (no pun intended) on this issue!
I was watching "Meet the Fockers" and I LOVED his mother for teaching sexual health to the elderly! I thought "wow, that is sooooo cool and needed!". LOL! Okay...so I guess a movie got me thinking..and now I am very interested in helping geriatrics be able to express themselves sexually through all the stereotypes and taboos (even their own views...that keeps many away from a healthy sexual livestyle).
GO figure..a wannabe ED nurse go Geri Sexual health..LOL! Who would have known..but it seems to really actually be a calling :)!
Antikigirl, ASN, RN
2,595 Posts
BTW! The couple had a nice romantic night so I was told by the husband who thanked me so very much! (I tried not to blush!).
OHHHHHHHH and get this...since I made it clear that NO person can be denied legal 'massage aides' in my state...they are being so very cautious of even discussing it! LOL! BUT...I had a woman who has had cancer removal on her cervix, lady parts, and the clittoris had to be removed...she was using one and hurt herself something fierce! She continued to use said device despite pain..oh man did that put me into a hard spot!!!!!!!
I had a talk with her...and she said she would use it only with adequate lube, which I obtained with Doctors order (most interesting one I have had to write so far! LOL!). She was most thankful, and obviously despite the removal of so much from those regions, still has feeling and desire.
If I wasn't there..it would have been taken..and with just cause actually since it is a harm to her...but she is very 'with it' and just needed a friendly Nurse to help her understand the reasons we are concerned, and what to do if she persisted...
I am rather proud of that :)...and she told me she would check in with me to see how it is going (IE more pain, bleeding, or what not").
Her explaination..simple..."dear, I have cancer but the desire to live...and I like my sexuality despite no partner...heck with it...I have the means, we now have the know how...let me do this...the cancer is going to kill me anyway...why not live?".
Now if it was only nursing practice to help her find a more 'user friendly" one..but I can't go there huh? (IE smaller or more anatomically fitting device with that change).