Seriously?!?! You gotta be kidding me!

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN]

Ok here is another thread we can hopefully get going for nurse veterans and young nurses to see what's to come. What are some of the craziest chief complaints or diagnosis you have seen. I don't want to limit it to chief complaint because that tends to be associated with only emergency.

I could name so many but to start the 2 that made me roll my eyes and say Seriously??

Pt came in with a complaint of "excessive anal sweating" stated that his butt crack had profuse sweating and it was impeding his life. Even after D/C came back hours later for same thing. I can not tell you how hard it was to keep a straight face during that triage.

Another patient came in OFTEN with complaints of feeling faint after excessive masturbation. :| His last D/C he was instructed to cut back on masturbation but apparently it was still an issue and he would come in for near syncope.

[madricka, BSN, RN]

Patient had "accidentally" managed to get a plum shoved so far up his rectum, he decided he needed help to retrieve it. Very casual, apparently a frequent flier for similar situations. Overnight stay, ended up having questionable ECG after c/o chest pain. Cardiology consult called but patient's wife arrived to check him out AMA because they had tickets for the ballet. Stay away from fruit bowl!

My best dumbfounded look was when I was working in critical care. Severe trauma (MVC), young male, fractured all limbs, pelvis, flail chest, etc. Had chest tubes, fully vented, on Levo, the works. I decrease his sedation and he wakes up and DEMANDS I take him out for a smoke. Dude! Do you not realize what's going on or see your body?? He said I could just wheel his bed outside and proceeded to trash talk me for refusing and trying to explain why it was impossible (yes, fighting the vent and biting the ETT the whole time). Of course, he would randomly pass out, sleep for a bit, then wake up and forgot our conversation and ask me again and we'd do the whole thing over. I offered him a nicotine patch. He used choice words to describe his feelings for me.

My fav repeater patients: gunshot wounds on gang bangers. "I was just walking my grandma to church and these guys came out of nowhere, never saw them before in my life!". Uh huh. Until the next day when the fear and shock has worn off then it's all, "B--ch! Get me this, get me that!". You're welcome for all the things we did to keep you safe and pain-free and healing!

[AvaRose]

Not as bizzare as all these but my newbie brain apparently isn't making the connection. Patient was admitted S/P Seizure at home. Thankfully father caught him before he cracked his skull open in the bathroom. No history of seizures and no residual effects. CT and MRI both showed fully opaque sinuses with a diagnosis of Sinusitis. My confusion is how Sinusitis could cause a seizure since that is the only thing wrong with him. It was a puzzle all day today.

My other interesting patient had dementia and required a sitter and being on camera. He alternated between crying for us to call his son (who already told staff to NOT call him under any circumstances) and yelling at me because I was killing babies. Boy was it fun getting his Heparin dose into him...I love playing with sharp objects when the patient won't sit still :)

[angeloublue22, BSN, RN]

I had a pt with dry cracked hands wanting to go the ER. I told him the ER wasn't the place to treat dry hands and instructed him on the use of lotion and possibly using it overnight with gloves on. He respond, "I think the ER will know better than you." He left with a plan to go to the ER. I'm sorry to the nurse that had to deal with him, I tried.

I asked a pt if I could help him and his statement, "Yeah, I want you to be able to make me ejaculate out of the same tube that I pee out of." My response, "You already do. You have one tube." His response, "Nuh uh, are you sure?" No I'm magic, you're welcome.

[smf0903]

Back in my former life, when I was a rad tech, I had to X-ray an elderly woman (pleasant confused) for abdominal pain x1 weeks (per report). Anytime any of us asked her about her symptoms (length of time, location, etc) she just complained about the thief who stole her teeth. Her dentures had been missing for a few weeks.

At the time, policy was to take a KUB (kidney/ureters/bladder) before sending a patient with severe abdominal pain to CT. Good thing too: I got a great picture of her dentures in the region of her bladder. She had shoved them up her lady parts to keep them safe from all the thieves she lived with, and promptly forgot them.

Also had to x-ray a patient who was admitted for surgical removal of a foreign object of the member. Fish hook very firmly planted (inserted?) in urethra.

At least they weren't hamsters, huh?

And I still can't forget the man who presented to the ED with c/o a headache x 48 hours that just wouldn't go away. He admitted to having been drinking heavily over the weekend (he presented on a sunday afternoon). Pain was in the back of his head. MD started to look at his head and determined the cause of the pain was the .22 slug lodged in his scalp. He was sent to CT to determine how bad it was. It barely dented the skull. He and his "friend" had an argument after a night of drinking at a local bar and his "friend" shot him in the back of the head as he walked away. He was fine. They removed the bullet, kept him over night and he went home. My husband (who is a CT tech) told me about this one.

This reminds me of a pt we had, also pleasantly confused who ended up with a foley. We went to check in on her and she kept asking for more Kleenex. After a couple of boxes (given by different staff, took us a hot minute to put it together) we went investigating the Kleenex use only to find she had shoved a bunch of Kleenex in her lady parts because she thought "the tube (foley) was leaking". Also found her comb down there for safe-keeping...

[wonderwhy]

Or, a really large Urethra!!!

[Overland1, RN]

Had a patient roll into PCU with a red toe. That was it. No other hx. A red toe, in a PCU bed.

MRI done, nothing. Blood cultures, clear. Pt requested to have the toe amputated....AND THEY DID.

She was on the unit for like a week.

Most ridiculous thing I've seen in 12 years.

I still recall a patient who frequently was in my ER many years ago; she complained of various things and "knew the lyrics" because she had been a Paramedic in another city several years before.

One night, she came in by ambulance (with her doting husband in tow, as usual) and demanded that she receive a trach. We refused, so she went to a larger hospital in a larger city (aka, "Mecca") and they actually trached her.

[Overland1, RN]

I know, who wouldn't want to work on the med surf unit.

Moving to the south I had to learn to decipher a lot of chief complaints. Like "Done fell out" In our EPIC you can actually type in DFO in the chief complaint and it will populate Syncope.

Had a patient come in stating her "Pantheritis" was acting up. She legit thought that was what it was called.

Also had a woman come in for a cyst on her lower labia, now generally it's not uncommon for patients to come to the ER for cysts. Apparently it was getting in the way of sex with her boyfriend and her. Of course they needed the golden turkey sandwiches and pop as soon as they got there but what really irked me about that one was when I went to D/C her. She stated her boyfriend and her would need a cab voucher to get home. I asked how they got to the ER and she stated via ambulance. I shouldn't have been surprised since people take ambulances for absurd reasons, but that night really got to me.

They usually come in by ambulance for two reasons:

1.) It's "free"

2.) So (they) "get seen quicker"

One of the funnier episodes I recall from my ER shifts was the young couple who came in; the female c/o belly pain (she added "and Tynol doesn't help"). The doc asked if she was sexually active, and the guy replied, "nahhh, she just lays there." No reaction from her, but we all managed to keep a straight face.

Ya really cannot make this stuff up...

[3ringnursing, BSN]

Years ago I worked in a sort of long term ICU/SNF combo facility mainly with vented patients who couldn't be weaned but their DRG days in an acute hospital ran out - many were hemodynamically unstable, and had too many vasoactive gtt's to be able to go to any where else.

One day a call light went off - many of our patients were restrained and sedated due to being ventilated if they were not alert enough to be trusted not to extubate themselves, so not many actually used the call light purposely even if we did put it within reach of every patient. It was with surprise that I walk down the hall to this patient's room to check on her.

She was NOT alert or oriented. I searched for the call light but couldn't locate it right away - it wasn't until I followed the cord that I discovered it's new location.

To this day I have no idea how she was able to place the call light - a large rectangular box - where she did while restrained, but I was fearful to remove it myself due to concern of creating lacerations.

I had to call the attending - a pulmonologist - to request a stat GYN consult at the bedside. He was so stunned he asked me to slowly repeat my findings again, and agreed to the requested consult for evaluate and treat.

Later that day the GYN provider came to evaluate the patient and her dilemma. The call light was unearthed, and the patient was no more the worse for it.

We threw away this particular call light after it was retrieved.

[3ringnursing, BSN]

... another patient, who was actually admitted to our Med/Surg unit for something else put on her call light one night. She was in her late 80's and told me she had a problem.

A problem? I was a shiny brand new grad still wet behind the ears - if nothing else I was enthusiastic, and I was real good at fixing problems! 'Lay it on me!' I thought!

She beckons me closer and conspiratorially whispers, "I have weeds in my virginia".

Weeds? In her what?

It wasn't until she showed me did I understand and believe it.

Apparently this little lady had a large number of children in her younger years, and she clearly had a prolapsed uterus. Instead of going the a GYN to be fitted for a pessary, or discuss surgery she handily resolved the problem herself.

With a potato.

This unlucky potato evidently sprouted - hence the "weeds in my virginia".

When the flock of interns/residents/fellows/attendings blew into our unit to do rounds the next morning I cornered mine - and then filled them in on the problem. Their disbelieving and appalled faces said it all.

I don't know how this story actually ended, being that this sweet little lady was gone the following week when I returned from my days off and much needed R&R. But I bet it certainly was interesting.

[LibraSunCNM, BSN, MSN, CNM]

... another patient, who was actually admitted to our Med/Surg unit for something else put on her call light one night. She was in her late 80's and told me she had a problem.

A problem? I was a shiny brand new grad still wet behind the ears - if nothing else I was enthusiastic, and I was real good at fixing problems! 'Lay it on me!' I thought!

She beckons me closer and conspiratorially whispers, "I have weeds in my virginia".

Weeds? In her what?

It wasn't until she showed me did I understand and believe it.

Apparently this little lady had a large number of children in her younger years, and she clearly had a prolapsed uterus. Instead of going the a GYN to be fitted for a pessary, or discuss surgery she handily resolved the problem herself.

With a potato.

This unlucky potato evidently sprouted - hence the "weeds in my virginia".

When the flock of interns/residents/fellows/attending blew into our unit to do rounds the next morning I cornered mine - and then filled them in on the problem. Their disbelieving and appalled faces said it all.

I don't know how this story actually ended, being that this sweet little lady was gone the following week when I returned from my days off and much needed R&R. But I bet it certainly was interesting.

This is actually not the first time I've heard of a little old lady doing this, with the same results! Wild stuff.

[3ringnursing, BSN]

This is actually not the first time I've heard of a little old lady doing this, with the same results! Wild stuff.

Maybe it passed on as advice at weekly mahjong tournaments?

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

I went to put a foley in a patient once and noticed something off at the opening of her lady parts. It was a balloon of drugs with scratch lottery tickets wrapped around it. Ya know no big deal. Took the whole scratch and sniff to another level. Yes they were winning tickets which is why she held onto them.

There also was a patient that had a chlamydia infection in her stoma from letting men have sex with her there.

Had a one leg woman with severe crabs and no teeth come in. She was 8 months pregnant. Yet I can't even get a date. :|

Just some other times I said Seriously?!?!