So I got a job offer as community nurse full time last week. The job required me to have a valid driving license and a car.
I got my driving license on November 2018 and haven't driven a car since I got my license. I was so excited when I got the offer and began to search cars to buy for my job. I told my mom about it hoping she would be excited too but guess what? She was like don't take it. She told me it is not worth taking it when I don't even have experience in driving and all of a sudden I am rushing to buy a car and drive. I understood where she was coming from and I do not want to worry her, so I rejected the offer. Now, I regret it so much! I wish I took the position and gave it a try.
What should I do? Should I re-apply to the same company? Will HR just throw my application away because I did not take previous position? I feel embarrassed because what if they ask me why I did not take the position first time if I am a successful candidate again?
Thank you Horseshoe. I think i’ll try to do whats best for me. I guess the only way to do it is not tell her what I am doing.
You don't have to go behind your mom's back to live your life; just tell her what you're doing, and then do it. If that's a problem at age 26, start making plans to move out. I sense the love for your family in your posts, but also a sense of obligation that seems...overdeveloped. It is *not* disrespectful to go out, make your own mistakes, and live your own life.
I moved out...four years ago to the day, actually! Granted, I've always been pumped to live on my own, but watching the way my mom acts now, I'm really glad I did. My mom is great and always looks out for me, but she is a major worrier and is *constantly* texting, etc. It would have been impossible to have the life I have now with her constantly in my ear, even though she is "just looking out for me." In my own space, I can consider what she thinks while also thinking of my own goals and preferences, and then make my own decisions. It sounds like you may benefit from doing the same.
Thank you Horseshoe. I think i’ll try to do whats best for me. I guess the only way to do it is not tell her what I am doing.
Avoiding a possible confrontation with your Mom is a bad idea. As a matter of fact, separating ourselves from our folks and establishing boundaries is a valuable exercise and part of growing up.
In fact, there's an excellent book titled 'Boundaries' that I recommend. It's written from a Christian perspective, but easily accessible to all people.
I was recently visiting my daughter who is 22. I noticed she had a small tattoo. I expressed my disappointment. She said that it's her life. I said that I'm her mother and entitled to give my opinion. End of conversation, we went on to continue our delightful visit.
Your mother is entitled to her opinion. You can respectfully listen. Then go on to make YOUR decision after considering all factors.
I am 26 and yes I live with my parents. Some may say why I have not moved out yet, but I am family oriented. I rather stay with my parents and accompany them rather than living alone unless it is necessary. I do think she is overprotective of me and think that she is holding me back in life but I don’t want her to be worried.
Nothing wrong with your general lifestyle choices (choosing not to drive/live alone etc.) unless they start to really hold you back. Unfortunately, it sounds like they are indeed holding you back.
This is rough to say, but....at some point it isn't psychologically healthy for someone to be (unconsciously) either so fearful, so controlling or so co-dependent that they continue to advise their own child against independence and normal, necessary adult behaviors such as doing what it takes to become employed. This is not to speak ill of your loving parents - - but you really do deserve the opportunity to be your own person.
You probably also need to take a hard look at the things that are motivating you. As I said before, there's nothing wrong with being a close-knit family or sharing living space per se - - but you need to think through whether there is also a little bit of fear or insecurity or lack of confidence that is making these choices acceptable to you right now. That seems a little bit likely, doesn't it? Otherwise its simple enough to have a job during the day and still love/respect your parents and still be part of a close-knit family. Even families that are spread out all over the world can maintain close relationships.
Why don't you think it through so you kind of have a mental handle on the facts of your situation, and then consider having a heart-to-heart with your mom? Since it is a close-knit relationship, it would be unfortunate if it had to come to an extreme situation or someone's fuse had to completely blow before any changes can take place.....
....and of course just giving up/accepting it is no good either.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
On 4/3/2019 at 1:25 PM, Toaster said:
I am 26 and yes I live with my parents. Some may say why I have not moved out yet, but I am family oriented.
I got my LPN and moved out for the fifth and final time from my parents' house when I was 26 years old. I lived with a girlfriend for three years, we got married, and then divorced three years after that.
When I knew I was to be divorced, I wondered to my little brother if he thought Mom & Dad would consider letting me move back in with them.
"No", he said, "Because then they'd have to get a divorce!"
I am 26 and yes I live with my parents. Some may say why I have not moved out yet, but I am family oriented. I rather stay with my parents and accompany them rather than living alone unless it is necessary. I do think she is overprotective of me and think that she is holding me back in life but I don’t want her to be worried.
You should watch the movie "Failure to Launch", it might give you some insight even though it is not the exact same scenario. It's tough being a grown up. Some people do not mature well. I know a lady that lives with her folks, has never been married and I don't think she has honestly driven more than 10 miles in any direction. It's good to live to your potential. I don't think your Mom wants you to leave for one thing and that may be the reason why you should open your wings and take flight. Most parents will push the kids out of the nest at a certain point, when they don't it makes one wonder what is wrong. I would definitely reapply and grow. If they ask you about it, just say your mother discouraged you but that you thought about it and feel she was incorrect. You should get a car and start driving. Don't you want to be independent? are you scared or something? Maybe some self-reflection is in order.
Lots of people commenting saying the original poster should be driving already. Not sure where they live, but there are plenty of areas of the country where it's more normal not to drive. My family is from NYC, and my mom didn't learn to drive until she was in her 30s. I only did younger because I was moving to a rural area to go to college. I have plenty of friends who still do not drive in their 30s. It's not always a weird thing.
Lots of people commenting saying the original poster should be driving already. Not sure where they live, but there are plenty of areas of the country where it's more normal not to drive. My family is from NYC, and my mom didn't learn to drive until she was in her 30s. I only did younger because I was moving to a rural area to go to college. I have plenty of friends who still do not drive in their 30s. It's not always a weird thing.
Read the original post. She turned down a great job because of no car.
Lots of people commenting saying the original poster should be driving already. Not sure where they live, but there are plenty of areas of the country where it's more normal not to drive. My family is from NYC, and my mom didn't learn to drive until she was in her 30s. I only did younger because I was moving to a rural area to go to college. I have plenty of friends who still do not drive in their 30s. It's not always a weird thing.
If the OP doesn't drive because he lives in an area where there really is no need to, or he doesn't drive because he really can't afford the expenses associated with driving (insurance, maintenance, gas, etc.), that's one thing. Not driving because his mother "will worry" is NOT a good reason. He has stated that he is letting his mother's over protectiveness (and I suspect his mother's dominating personality) rule his actions. I would also submit that the OP has trouble standing up for himself and is afraid to challenge his mother's directions. All good when you are 10 years old, not a good sign in someone who is 26 years old. The OP will never become an independent adult until he learns to establish boundaries and respectfully but firmly enforce them. It doesn't matter where or with whom he lives, or whether or not he drives. The issue is whether or not HE is in charge of his life and his choices, or if he will live the rest of his life doing what he is told because he is too afraid of his mother's wrath or he is too vulnerable to attempts to guilt him into complying with the demands of others. Learning how to make and own and defend one's life decisions is an important skill.
We've all read the posts from women married to "mommy's boys" or men married to "Daddy's little girl." These are not happy folks.
Read the original post. She turned down a great job because of no car.
In most of the USA a certain is a necessity.
I did read the original post. I also read the post directly above mine suggesting that she is not maturing well and is scared to be independent as evidenced by her not moving out and not driving by age 26. All I was saying is that there are areas of the country in which driving is not a marker of maturity and independence the same way that it is in other areas. I agree that if the OP wants this specific job she needs to get a car and drive.
If the OP doesn't drive because he lives in an area where there really is no need to, or he doesn't drive because he really can't afford the expenses associated with driving (insurance, maintenance, gas, etc.), that's one thing. Not driving because his mother "will worry" is NOT a good reason. He has stated that he is letting his mother's over protectiveness (and I suspect his mother's dominating personality) rule his actions. I would also submit that the OP has trouble standing up for himself and is afraid to challenge his mother's directions. All good when you are 10 years old, not a good sign in someone who is 26 years old. The OP will never become an independent adult until he learns to establish boundaries and respectfully but firmly enforce them. It doesn't matter where or with whom he lives, or whether or not he drives. The issue is whether or not HE is in charge of his life and his choices, or if he will live the rest of his life doing what he is told because he is too afraid of his mother's wrath or he is too vulnerable to attempts to guilt him into complying with the demands of others. Learning how to make and own and defend one's life decisions is an important skill.
We've all read the posts from women married to "mommy's boys" or men married to "Daddy's little girl." These are not happy folks.
They also said that they haven't started to drive because they live downtown and commute by public transportation.
I'm not saying that they shouldn't get a car and start driving. Just that it's not the big deal that some make it out to be in certain parts of the country. That's all.
Thank you Horseshoe. I think i’ll try to do whats best for me. I guess the only way to do it is not tell her what I am doing.
No, you need to get some backbone. You make a decision, you stand by your decision RESPECTFULLY and lovingly, but firmly. That's what adults do. "I love you mom, but this is the right decision. I'll be careful, and I appreciate you have a right to your opinion, but at the end of the day this is my life and I am old enough to know what is best for me."
OldDude
1 Article; 4,787 Posts
Amen!!! I cover 5 cars/5 drivers...3 drivers under the age of 23 - 847.00/month.