Patients Say the Darnedest Things Nurses Week Contest

Nurses General Nursing Contest

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Patients come in all demeanors and as nurses you've certainly seen some doozies. Patients (and their families) definitely say some laugh-worthy things during their time in your care. In honor of National Nurses Week 2019, we want you to share your hilarious patient sayings, quotes or stories in the comments below. Thanks to InstruSafe, you could win $200!

About InstruSafe

InstruSafe is a worldwide provider of surgical instrument protection solutions. From sterile processing to the operating room and back, it is our goal to develop and manufacture products of the highest quality and standards. Our highest instrusafe.jpg.c69fd522de56a205c89a1d3bba270a61.jpgpriority is to improve surgical outcomes, increase long term savings and aid in patient safety. Our products are engineered with the customer in mind. To ensure the highest level of quality, we subject our tray designs to industry standards such as AAMI so our customers never have to compromise top level service and patient care.

Told discharging patient he had script for abx d/t syphillis.

Pt: "What's that?"

Me: "A sexually transmitted disease."

Pt: "How do you get it? Do you get it from a girl, because..." (Pt stares off into space clearly trying to calculate last time he was with a girl.)

Me: (Trying to be tactful) "You can get it from any sexual contact."

Pt: "How do they even know I have it? Do they have to look at my hoo-hoo? I don't remember anyone looking at my hoo-hoo.

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I worked on the Navajo reservation for many years and the language barrier could be well, unexpected. Me: when did your problem start? Patient: Well, my brother n law bought a goat...

I love this timeline and I loved my time on the Rez

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14 hours ago, jobellestarr said:

I worked on the Navajo reservation for many years and the language barrier could be well, unexpected. Me: when did your problem start? Patient: Well, my brother n law bought a goat...

I love this timeline and I loved my time on the Rez

Yes, and you get directions based on "Jimmy with the big cows" & "Old man John's house where Tommy ran into the big tree that used to be there." Not on the Navajo res but in an area in the Southeast full of Natives.

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My confused elderly patient was sitting by the nurses station and had grabbed a tv remote and started playing with it. I just let her have it because it was broken anyways and she wasnt hurting anything. After about 5 minutes she looked at me while holding the tv remote in her hand and asked "how do I make a phone call on this?" Without skipping a beat and ever so calmly I told her "just dial 9 to get out."

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Ok so while working in a nursing home I had the sweetest old lady in her 90s who was a horrible sundowner. Around supper time she’d just become this mean old lady. Anyways we had a pretty young CNA staff all females and you know how scrub pants don’t really have any give to them and most of the girls when bending over would show a lot of skin well this sweet old lady had begun to sundown and saw one CNA bending over helping another patient on the floor when she wheels up to the CNA and proceeds to call her a hussy and that she better “keep from throwing her p*$$*” at her husband. Mind you this woman’s husband had passed years and years ago. Then she goes on wheeling down the hallway leaving the CNA and myself in complete shock.

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Walked into a patients room to see if he was done using the bathroom. I asked him if he needed any help cleaning himself and he said thank you for helping me. I guess that's why you nurses get the big bucks.

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I had a 93 year old confused lady who had pulled out her iv and foley as she roamed around her room in the few minutes I had left the room. I retrieved a posey vest and applied it to keep her from unsafe ambulation. I came back to check on her after her meal tray had arrived. As I entered the room, she didn’t notice me. I saw she was using the fork to try to loosen the knot in the side of the vest. When she saw me she smiled. I asked what was she doing, she stopped and said “ I’m just sitting here looking pretty”. I couldn’t help but laugh!

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My patient calls on-call to let us know he thinks his heart has stopped beating.

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Had a sweet 78 year old patient. It was about 0500, I was getting her medical history for her admission and doing my best to make her comfortable. While asking about any surgeries she responded with: "oh my yes...4 years ago I has a Lettuce".

I was 11 hrs into my shift at that point and now my confused tired brain was trying to figure out what a 'lettuce' was. I asked who the Dr was and how long she stayed. She replied with one of our well known cardiac surgeons. It dawned on me she was talking about a CABG. >_<

:) I didn't have the heart to correct her.

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

Woman in her 30's, a mom, told me I couldn't put in a pre-op Foley because she already had a tampon in.

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"Do they hire any whore here to work in this whore house"

My lovable baseline dementia patient to me and another nurse as we perform patient care.

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Specializes in Corrections, Dementia/Alzheimer's.

I had an Alzheimer's patient who needed a shower. After much coaxing, I finally got him in there. While he was shampooing, he made a comment like "Wow, this is crazy!" I asked him what he was referring to. He said "When I get home, my wife will say 'Aren't you going to take a shower?' And I'll say 'No, I already took one, right there at the bank!'"

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