Patients Say the Darnedest Things Nurses Week Contest

Nurses General Nursing Contest

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Patients come in all demeanors and as nurses you've certainly seen some doozies. Patients (and their families) definitely say some laugh-worthy things during their time in your care. In honor of National Nurses Week 2019, we want you to share your hilarious patient sayings, quotes or stories in the comments below. Thanks to InstruSafe, you could win $200!

About InstruSafe

InstruSafe is a worldwide provider of surgical instrument protection solutions. From sterile processing to the operating room and back, it is our goal to develop and manufacture products of the highest quality and standards. Our highest instrusafe.jpg.c69fd522de56a205c89a1d3bba270a61.jpgpriority is to improve surgical outcomes, increase long term savings and aid in patient safety. Our products are engineered with the customer in mind. To ensure the highest level of quality, we subject our tray designs to industry standards such as AAMI so our customers never have to compromise top level service and patient care.

Patient on acute psych unit was thoroughly convinced that I (as in me in particular), was showing up at work every day to steal his poop.

Sir, I assure you.. I am not.

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Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.

A slightly confused little old lady on our surgical floor asked me to close the blind on her window, because she didn't want anyone looking in on her. I reminded her that we were on the eighth floor. She responded "Someone could fly by."

Another little old lady had Plexi-pulses on her feet after her surgery. On checking her one time she said "There's a little boy at the foot of my bed and he keeps squeezing my feet!"

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8 year old girl walks into my office Monday morning and announces very loudly, “I had a huge erection over the weekend!” I boot out the giggling 5’th and 6’th grade boys and with the straightest face I can muster say “Tell me more about that?” After a couple of minutes of discussion, she shows me a rash and I call mom to find out more about the reaction she had over the weekend!!

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Walked in on an elderly patient masturbating. I apologized and told him I was just doing rounds and checking on the patients. He said "Don't worry about it. I don't know why I keep polishing this Cadillac when it has a Pinto motor."

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From a 5 year old patient at his well child visit while I took vitals... He held his arm at the elbow trying to get it as far from my reach as possible, "are you gonna shot me?!" ?

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Specializes in Med/Surg.
16 hours ago, NurseBlaq said:

Walked in on an elderly patient masturbating. I apologized and told him I was just doing rounds and checking on the patients. He said "Don't worry about it. I don't know why I keep polishing this Cadillac when it has a Pinto motor."

Oh, gosh. How awkward. Lmao.

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Back when I worked as a CNA at a LTC/rehab center, I was talking to an alert resident. He always joked with the staff. As he and I talked, two elderly female residents (one confused) walked by and we asked how they were doing.

Confused resident: "I'm going out with my Mother for lunch. Doesn't my Mother look great?"

Alert resident: "Yeah...for 160."

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17 hours ago, ThatChickOmi said:

Oh, gosh. How awkward. Lmao.

Tell me about it. I was red faced. And when he said that I didn't know whether to laugh to not because I was embarrassed.

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Specializes in Community Health, Med/Surg, ICU Stepdown.

When I worked in a clinic a 14 year old boy came in for asthma exacerbation. I asked him if he took any medications at home and he told me "albuterol and Viagra". I was surprised but asked him why he was taking the Viagra. He explained that his mom bought it for him at Costco... I started talking to him about safe sex practices, offering testing, etc and was about to recommend that a 14 year old probably didn't need Viagra when he started freaking out. He was yelling "Sex? Sex? I've never had sex! I don't even know how to do that!" Turns out his mom was buying him Allegra for allergies and he confused the names. Cute kid!

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Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
On ‎4‎/‎24‎/‎2019 at 1:46 PM, LibraSunCNM said:

And yet, he still signed up for it, so I guess he wouldn't have missed it all that much...?

The patient was about the same age as I was at that time: 30ish.

Believing a vasectomy was the same as castration, and never being able to have sex again, makes me wonder if there were any discussions with his wife or the surgeon.

Wife: "We don't want to have any more children, so you should be castrated."

Patient: "Okay." (after a long reflective pause) "I'll go see a surgeon."

Patient (in surgeon's office): "My wife and I don't want to have anymore children."

Surgeon: "Okay. I'll take care of that." (smiling, while holding up two fingers as though they were a pair of scissors) "Snip snip!"

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Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
On ‎4‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 4:08 PM, MendyT said:

8 year old girl walks into my office Monday morning and announces very loudly, “I had a huge erection over the weekend!” I boot out the giggling 5’th and 6’th grade boys...

Oh gawd!

MendyT, you would have had to also boot out an old gray-haired male nurse roaring with laughter!

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

Not just an ordinary erection, a HUGE erection.

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