Patients Say the Darnedest Things Nurses Week Contest

[Brian S.]

Patients come in all demeanors and as nurses you've certainly seen some doozies. Patients (and their families) definitely say some laugh-worthy things during their time in your care. In honor of National Nurses Week 2019, we want you to share your hilarious patient sayings, quotes or stories in the comments below. Thanks to InstruSafe, you could win $200!

About InstruSafe

InstruSafe is a worldwide provider of surgical instrument protection solutions. From sterile processing to the operating room and back, it is our goal to develop and manufacture products of the highest quality and standards. Our highest priority is to improve surgical outcomes, increase long term savings and aid in patient safety. Our products are engineered with the customer in mind. To ensure the highest level of quality, we subject our tray designs to industry standards such as AAMI so our customers never have to compromise top level service and patient care.

[JadedCPN, BSN, RN]

My 10 year old patient said “do you make a lot of money being nurse? If I had to guess I would say you made, hmm, at least a whole $10 an hour!”

[herring_RN, ASN, BSN]

Physicians making rounds went into the room of a patient sitting on a bedside commode. They discussed the result of his labs, especially electrolytes. They planned to order an electrophoresis.

As soon as they left the call light went on. The patient said to me:

"They talked about my electric lights and my electric feces."

[JWells]

90 year old patient with a purewick cath asked me if I was going to hook up her "Crotch Weiner" before she went to sleep... As soon as I left the room, I laughed until I tears!

[woosinatress, BSN, RN]

Once overheard (and intervened in) a conversation between two patients on a gero psych unit.

A man with severe dementia (and at least 75 years old) who had been on the unit a while approached a new admit who was getting her vitals done and waiting for us to get papers ready to do admission assessment. He starts asking her questions like what’s her name and is she from this area, pretty innocent just genuinely trying to make conversation since he was up at 2 am wandering the halls. We told him to leave her alone, go back to bed, it’s too late for him to be up trying to talk to people. He wanders off mumbling to himself “That’s fine, I wasn’t trying to pick her up or anything. She’s too old for me anyway.” Then he stops and looks back at us and goes “This is why you ladies work at night cause you can’t get any tail anyway” and then wanders off to his room.

As soon as he was out of earshot everyone including the new admit died laughing.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

One night I was hooking up a patient's tube feeding when I knocked over a couple of cans of Jevity. The roommate, who had dementia, woke up and asked, "Are you the cat?" I couldn't help myself: "Yes, I am. Meow!" And without missing a beat she replied, "Oh, that's all right. I'll just turn over and go back to sleep now."

[ThatChickOmi, ADN, RN]

I'm a student. I had an older lady that had been constipated for like 5-6 days. We had given her an enema a little while before so we were just waiting for the magic to take place. So I walk into the room after she was in the bathroom for a while, and I go "So were you able to get anything out?" and she said with a huge grin "Oh, did I. It was f----n' mastodonic. Filled the toilet, the sink, the shower, everything."

That was easily the funniest thing a patient has said to me in my four semesters.

[TriciaJ, RN]

There was a postop patient on our floor whose doctor wouldn't allow us to feed her until she passed gas. She was getting quite peckish but not having any luck. She made herself a sign to hold up when anyone came in the room "Will Fart for Food".

[Davey Do]

Back in '86 or '87 when I worked in surgery, a patient was to have a vasectomy. While prepping him, the circulating nurse and I chatted with the patient.

The patient said, "I guess this is the end of my days having sex!"

The circulating nurse and I looked at each other wide-eyed and both chimed in basically with, "Oh no- you'll still be able to have sex!"

I guess the patient didn't understand that a vasectomy isn't the same as a castration!

[LibraSunCNM, BSN, MSN, CNM]

35 minutes ago, Davey Do said:

Back in '86 or '87 when I worked in surgery, a patient was to have a vasectomy. While prepping him, the circulating nurse and I chatted with the patient.

The patient said, "I guess this is the end of my days having sex!"

The circulating nurse and I looked at each other wide-eyed and both chimed in basically with, "Oh no- you'll still be able to have sex!"

I guess the patient didn't understand that a vasectomy isn't the same as a castration!

And yet, he still signed up for it, so I guess he wouldn't have missed it all that much...?

[Kim Braman]

I answered a call light in the Medical Intensive Care unit and asked the patient what she needed her response was " I need the interior decorators here immediately!" I told her that it was Sunday and that was not possible. I then asked the patient why we need the interior decorators and she stated " Because there is a hole in the floor and it needs repaired immediately!" The patient then proceeded to point at the TV and when I looked at the TV she was watching Fixer Upper and they were showing a hole in the floor of the house they were remodeling!

[OscarTheOwl]

My 4 y/o patient was having an echo and the tech was explaining the heart and she says "can you see Jesus in there?"

Another small child was having surgery and she asked what the anesthesiologist was for, I explained he puts people to sleep. She said, with the widest eyes I've ever seen "he kills people ?"