Patients with long-standing family problems

RN1982 · Feb 23, 2009

I remember I had a patient that had an AMI and the family thought it would be in her best interest to tell her that her 14 yo granddaughter was hit by a car and probably wouldn't make it.

If I have family members who come in and start creating problems with my patients, they are asked to leave immediately. You did the right thing. You have a duty to protect your patient and advocate for their needs. You should never get in trouble for something like this.

Jules A, MSN · Feb 23, 2009

I try but can rarely muster anything empathetic or therapeutic to say when people continue to tolerate such losers just because they share some dna.

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Feb 23, 2009

I remember I had a patient that had an AMI and the family thought it would be in her best interest to tell her that her 14 yo granddaughter was hit by a car and probably wouldn' make it.
If I have family members who come in and start creating problems with my patients, they are asked to leave immediately. You did the right thing. You have a duty to protect your patient and advocate for their needs. You should never get in trouble for something like this.

Jeeezus!

How nice of them.

Families are something else. I had a very very bad day yesterday at work. To make a long story short, I was charge/house super and taking care of the very sickest patient we have. Since our ICU is not yet open, we are just a med/surg floor. Anyway, the powers that be decide that "we can handle this because we have an icu nurse" (ME). SO, after coding someone for 3 hours (and they lived) putting them on a vent (in a med/surg unit) with no BACK UP to speak of whatsoever! A family member DEMANDS that they talk to the most senior staff person in the building (which is me, again). Thankfully, I had a really cool doctor in the mock up ICU room that stayed with my newly vented patient (on levophed and dopamine) so I could go talk to the patient's family member.

All the stuff she complained about were things that she, as a daughter, could have fixed while she was in the room. I told her so, in a very very nice (very tired too) expression. I even told her the situation we were in with the other patient and how they are trying to die. She didn't care, and told me that she WILL NOT be doing ANYTHING for her mother, that's why SHE PAYS US , SO WE CAN DO IT. And in my little head I'm furious, because I know she's not paying us, medicare is.

I even told her that her nurse has 5 other patients, and her mother is continuosly taking off the mittens, o2 NC, and pulling out her own ngt. We don't have the staff to sit next to her 24/7. OH man, how I wanted to just reach across the desk and shake her.

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Feb 23, 2009

We had one patient, older man with a very bad infection.... His adult children were suing him for back child support. And they were in their forties. Hm...I guess they wanted to win it before he died. Go figure.

Pepper The Cat, BSN, RN · Feb 23, 2009

I

try but can rarely muster anything empathetic or therapeutic to say when people continue to tolerate such losers just because they share some dna

.

Well, to be honest, I wasn't very empathetic with her yesterday when I was trying to provide her with some emotional support and the looked at me and said "well, you wouldnt understand because you dont' have children". (just to clarify, I'm almost 45 and have chosen not to have children because of genetic reasons, and becuase I'm an old maid). I'm an firm believer in the saying "you reap what you sow"

I just can't believe that this idiot of a son would chose NOW - when his mother is in hospital to address long standing issues!

Fiona59 · Feb 23, 2009

There are patients who should just be made wards of the province. The family can't let go, fill their heads with unrealistic expectations for their recovery, and then expect the staff to take sides in marital disputes.

Batman24 · Feb 23, 2009

You did the right thing. I would have no qualms about calling security on him either. Hopefully he stays away now for a bit.

Batman24 · Feb 23, 2009

All the stuff she complained about were things that she, as a daughter, could have fixed while she was in the room. I told her so, in a very very nice (very tired too) expression. I even told her the situation we were in with the other patient and how they are trying to die. She didn't care, and told me that she WILL NOT be doing ANYTHING for her mother, that's why SHE PAYS US , SO WE CAN DO IT. And in my little head I'm furious, because I know she's not paying us, medicare is.
I even told her that her nurse has 5 other patients, and her mother is continuosly taking off the mittens, o2 NC, and pulling out her own ngt. We don't have the staff to sit next to her 24/7. OH man, how I wanted to just reach across the desk and shake her.

I will never understand why someone visiting a patient let alone a family member wouldn't do everything they could to help them. Lazy slobs.

Word of advice...if you think this lady might be going the route of a lawsuit I would fill out a request for a babysitter just to cover your own butt down the line so it can't come back on you.

ohmeowzer RN, RN · Feb 23, 2009

Pepper , i've often wondered where these idiots come from !! that son sounds like he has alot of unsolved issues. what does he expect his 80 year old mother to do about his problems now? what a kook !! i wish i had words of wisdom but i can say you handled it right. i wouldn't of changed a thing, now if the son would go on a long vaction , or take a short walk on a long pier you could have some peace. keep us posted on how his mother is doing. she dosen't sound so great telling you about not understanding because you don't have kids. maybe she caused alot more problems than you thought. she sounds heartless saying that to you. when she has not idea about what your life has been like.

people don't think of nurses as humans with feelings , we are robots that should take their abuse. well , times have changed and i love it when a nurse sticks up for herself. i send you and your cat pepper ( i love that name for a kitty ) , a hug for me !!

morte, LPN, LVN · Feb 23, 2009

this isnt going to be popular, and no, i wouldnt have tolerated it in hosp......maybe she earned his anger and accusations.......and he wanted to get it out before she died.

FLmomof5 · Feb 23, 2009

The son was inappropriate and the nurse was absolutely correct.

So here is some insight from the other side of the fence....regarding some of the responses here:

I am the ex-wife of an abuser. I will say unequivocally that until you have been in such a situation, you absolutely cannot comprehend the situation. It is so very easy to judge from the outside. Abuse is insidious. He doesn't just start beating....its much more intricate than that. Early in the relationship, any woman wants to please her man. So one day he mentions how beautiful he finds women who don't wear makeup. He then encourages you to go without face paint because he finds you beautiful that way. (nothing abusive there, right?) It then goes to how you dress....and how it would please him if you dressed this way or that...because you are so beautiful to him when you dress the way he likes. (more non-abusive stuff...and gee, he thinks you're beautiful!)

One day....you pass a mirror and you wonder who is looking back at you. This isn't you. You are educated and a professional! You decide that you want to be who you are. You rifle through your old clothes and take out something that makes you feel more beautiful and professional. You put on makeup. You come home from work and BAM! He's yelling at you! WHO ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH?!?! You are stunned! (BTW, you can't win this argument!) He says you must be trying to attract someone else since you don't dress in a manner attractive to him! You argue...you fight over this.... eventually, you want to avoid the fight. SO, you acquiese....but, now you begin to wonder about him....but after you go back to the dowdy attire he is attentive again....OK.

Then one day you have to work a little late. The next fight about cheating on him occurs.

SLOWLY.....manipulatively he starts increasing his control over you.....

Then it happens. For most women, he hits them. In my case, I came home to find him crying. He hurt my daughter. He didn't mean it. He was only spanking her......he is so crushed and full of remorse, you know it won't ever happen again.

Then it does. That's it, you are going to leave him. Instead of being remorseful, he begins to threaten you. "If you try to leave, I will take the kids and run and you will never see them again!" "If I can't have you, nobody will!" All sorts of threats. What other people DON'T understand is he means every bit of it!

Women dying violent deaths are most often killed by their significant other. (Notice the woman who was recently beheaded by the man she was divorcing!) This is SO prevalent that at one point a life insurance company refused coverage on a woman who recently divorced an abuser. (The government forced them to change the policy.)

A restraining order is just a piece of paper and has yet to stop a bullet! Even when you have one, it is difficult to get the police to enforce it. I dealt with harrassment at home and work. My ex stalked me. I had bashed out car windows and slashed tires! Regardless, the court originally allowed visitation rights with the children! He would receive them (at the police station) and they are wearing winter clothes, including ski pants, ski jackets, hats, gloves and scarves. He returns them in a t-shirt and shorts (because he didn't want to have to purchase winter clothes!). While the kids are over at Daddy's, he is filling their heads with lies....and giving the kids the 3rd degree...who is mommy dating...is she sleeping with a man? ETC.....

It takes more courage than you can imagine to leave an abusive man and his abuse will NOT stop with the divorce decree!

Mine ultimately walked away....for 16 yrs. Showed up when they were graduating from HS. OK, I stupidly thought that since my kids are now adults....if they wanted a relationship with their bio-dad, that is fine with me. I was stunned to find out the stories (aka: lies) he would fill their heads with even now! GEEZ! Get over it already!

---------------------

Regarding the 40 yr old kids suing their dad for CS.....

My ex owes me over $100K in past due CS. I had to raise them without his financial help. My ex will die still owing the money. I have NO tolerance for deadbeat parents. You aren't giving the EX the money....that money is for your KIDS! By suing that deadbeat in his dying days....they guarantee that he will pay what he should have years ago! They may be planning on supporting dear ol mom in her later years. You don't know what their intentions are. CS and the fed govt are priority debts....but they have to establish it first...and they have a right to it. He didn't give a darn about them for the past 40 yrs.....so why would you expect them to give a darn now? Do you know how painful that abandonment was for them????

---------------------

I have a sis-in-law who used to tell me how to raise my kids. She was infertile and very angry about that. She would do the same to her brother's and their wives. We would all say the same thing.....you don't have children so you couldn't possibly know what it takes to raise them! (She would go on the attack....Oh yeah right!!!! Go ahead remind me I cant have children!!! -> it was always all about her!)

I have a son who has issues. I have struggled to help him help himself. It took a huge effort to get him a HS diploma! I ultimately had to force him out of the house. Since then, we had to activate the security system and change the locks. He stole from me. My husband wants to put him in prison. (He actually believes prison would *help* him! LOL ....yeah, help him to learn to be a better criminal?) Anyway....knowing about how criminals cant get jobs....or get apts to rent to them....etc., I chose not to prosecute my own son. I can't do that. Now, if he was arrested for some other cause and prosecuted by someone else....obviously, that I wouldn't stop... But, the anguish of being the one to put him there? Can't do it. (Oh, and YES, I KNOW....HE would have been the one to put himself there....)

Family dynamics are tough. BTW, I have 2 brothers who did the above to my parents. The didn't prosecute either. One is now married with 3 kids. The other is a OTR truck driver doing fine. I guess that is why I hope my own son will grow up....

Sorry for the long post.... just thought a little insight from the other side might help someone here.