How to deal with being childless in L&D

SheaTab · Dec 22, 2004

Ha! that is so funny that you said that! We were talking about that at work the other day. I have two children so I can't relate in that respect but there are several newly married nurses on our unit that have no children and have mentioned the same concerns as you. It never fails that all of my labor patients ask me if I have children. I often wonder if they are just trying to make conversation??? BUT, then, the question often comes before the epidural when they are in a good deal of pain. So, I have thought that maybe they are trying to find some common ground and hoping that you can relate to their pain. Some of our childless nurses have been known to lie about it because for some reason they genuinely think it makes that much of a difference to the patients. As far as you choosing to not have children, I dunno if I would personally share that with my patients. Even though I think it's admirable that you have thoughtfully considered and decided not to have children, others might perceive it differently. Who knows! I think it's a heck of a lot better than some of our patients who, for whatever reason, have no business having one or more children! What do you think???

Burnt Out, ASN, RN · Dec 22, 2004

If you don't want to tell your patients you are choosing NOT to have children, if they ask why or how come you don't have any babies yet, just simply tell them you are not ready. Problem solved :)

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 22, 2004

If anyone asks how a woman who has had no kids can possibly make a good L and D nurse ask them this:

"Does that mean to be a good oncology doctor or nurse, one should have to have had/survived cancer? Or,to be a great veterarian, a person should know what it's like to be a dog or cat? Hmm... I think not." end of discussion.

Yours is a personal decision, one I respect. NO ONE should EVER have kids who does not want to. Two of my best friends on the planet are childfree by choice and the most kind, friendly, loving people who are ADORED by my two kids. I never considered them strange, weird or selfish to have chosen not to have children. I love them beyond measure for their wonderful traits and that they chose not to have kids means to me,they care enough not to have kids they do not want.

You do what works for you and do NOT worry what the heck others say or think.The world is so sadly over-populated by unwanted children. Thank you for not adding to that population---- by making your truly unselfish choice. To you I say, BRAVO. And I am glad you are among us! Now go on and do what you want. It's your life and you don't need to justify your choices to anyone!

SusanJean · Dec 22, 2004

I'm a newlywed, and neither my husband or I want or have children. We have made a conscious decision to not try to have kids (and use all birth control possible for that). If I did get pregnant by accident, well, neither one of us believe in abortion, so we would have the baby. But we just have no desire for kids.
So daily I am asked by these women I'm helping if I've ever had a child. I always say no. Sometimes that leads to, are you married? yes. Well when do you plan on having a baby? etc
So, this is a little sticky for me. I don't want to come off as someone who is anti-child at all, because I'm not. I love babies. I just don't want to have to be responsible for one for 18+ years, you know? This is so hard for a lot of people to get, even my coworkers. I've been told I'll change my mind now that I'm married, but I don't think so. I want to enjoy my married life, and I can't imagine bringing a child into it.
This is a personal decision, and I'm wondering if anyone else out that has experienced it, and how you deal with these semi strangers wondering why you don't feel differently ("but you work in L&D! did something scare you off from having babies? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!")
Nothing...

I think, as one poster said, some are just trying to find something to talk about, perhaps a common ground.

If I can just add my personal experience, tho... both dh and I grew up in large families, neither wanted children. We married, were happy in our careers, happy w/ our many 4 legged furry babies, enjoyed our double-income, free to travel way of life... Then one day we changed our minds. Simple as that. Overcoming fertility issues was a hugh issue - we were told we could not have kids, so one was a complete surprise and the other we adopted.

No regrets for us.

Life and circumstances change, so be open as you go.

With whatever you decide, tho, be prepared to answer questions, because people will ask, and you will never make everyone happy.

SJ

riley108 · Dec 22, 2004

I get that alot just being a cashier.I'll make a comment or talk to a customer's child.Then they ask if I have kids.Then they ask why not.Then I feel like I have to tell them I have medical problems.(I have endometriosis and PCOS.) I'm still undecided but I feel like it's no one's business either way.That is one thing I dread when I start clinicals and the OB rotations.

This is something that totally blew my mind.My friend had a lady partsl delivery and was complaining how bad it was.Her other friend was agreeing with her.She said to her, "You had a C-section.What would you know?" I thought that was crazy.

I totally respect your decision and understand how you feel.

chris_at_lucas_RN, RN · Dec 22, 2004

You don't really have to "deal with being childless." You made a decision. The fact that you and your spouse came together at that point is wonderful. It says a lot of good stuff about your relationship.

As to nosy patients, they usually really want to talk about themselves. So if you are asked if you have children, you can always say "not yet" (which is true, and would be whether or not you want them) and ask them about themselves.

"Do you have other children," "why did you want one at this particular time," and if you throw in a few compliments, they feel very nice and, interestingly, they sometimes quit being so interested in other people's business.

Kudos to you. You sound like a wonderful nurse, you sound like you feel very comfortable in L&D, and you sound happily married. What's to "handle" or explain? Nada. Except, maybe, how to have what you want.... (Do you notice not many people ask about that? Personal questions, yes, but about how to make the right decisions, etc., no.)

But that's another thread, isn't it?

NurseGuy_in_06 · Dec 22, 2004

If anyone asks how a woman who has had no kids can possibly make a good L and D nurse ask them this:
"Does that mean to be a good oncology doctor or nurse, one should have to have had/survived cancer? Or,to be a great veterarian, a person should know what it's like to be a dog or cat? Hmm... I think not." end of discussion.

Would you actually ask this to a woman going into labor? I agree with another poster. Simply say "not yet" and "some day" then change the subject.

CrunchRN, ADN, RN · Dec 22, 2004

I can really relate. I worked for 10 years as an office OB/Gyn nurse and when patients felt close to me they would always ask this question. I always told them that I loved helping other people have happy, healthy pregnancies, but that it pretty much took all my maternal energy. Then I would usually add "but who knows, maybe some day that will change". Of course now I am 42 and have had a hysterectomy so not MUCH chance of that! LOL!

Quickbeam, BSN, RN · Dec 22, 2004

Hey, Pebbles1977! I can absolutely relate. I've been married for 20 years and my husband and I are childfree by choice. Both by personality and genetics we were 100% clear on this. it is a decision that annoys family, friends, churches and apparently even total strangers.

If people don't take "no" for an answer to the "do you have kids?" question (and the question doesn't bother me...it is social chit chat), I tell them I am CF by choice. That usually stumps them because to be a woman who doesn't want kids is unbelievable to most people. But it does tend to shut them up.

I would say that I've faced a lot of workplace issues over this...being expected to work all the holidays, weekends, OT, child care crises, etc. You need to develop some serious spine. There are people who will not respect your choice at all. I also strongly recommend that you or your spouse consider surgical sterilization. That way the accidental baby or "what if" won't be an issue.

Be strong. It is a difficult , pro-natal world out there and people seem to be offended that there are those of us who are a "family of two".

ETA: I responded to this from the main active board so I missed the L&D connection. I don't now nor have I ever worked in L&D. I'd imagine the question there could come from a different place than my usual queries. I do reach out to CF people because there isn't a lot of support out there.

PickMePlze · Dec 22, 2004

Hmmm the next time someone starts pressing you to have kids, tell them," Since you are so concerned about me having child, how about I have one if you pay for all of the expenses. All the way up to age 18." That should shut them up.:chuckle Children are expensive and a lot of responsibility, its easy to talk about having them. I have a son although I love him to dearly, I wish I'd waited till I was financially stable.

JVanRN · Dec 22, 2004

:)I know what you mean about the kid thing...where I work everyone (staff) is obsessed with being pregenant. I say I don't want kids RIGHT NOW and I get this look of absolute horror like I just stated that I like to torture small animals for amusement or something. But the funny thing is I just finished school, I'm still just engaged and I'm only 23. Why do I have to be pregnant NOW? I don't think it's THAT odd. I love babies and I may want one someday but right now I cant picture it.

The other day I even made the statement that instead of having a child...maybe possibly adopting one instead (the thought of being pregnant terifies me more than the actual child I think) and the look I got for that...oh vey. I got all kinds of "Why would you want to do that when you can have one of your own type?" comments. I'm serious about adoption as an option. I don't think it necessarily needs to be looked at as a "last resort" because of infertility. I'm sure they are plenty of people that adopt instead of having biological children even if they are able. My fiance already has 2 children so It's not really a huge issue with him. He is open to the idea. He says he would love to have a baby but really its about what I want. Like smilingblueyes stated , the world has tons of unwanted children. But not enough willing to take them in and love them as their own.

Does anyone think that this is a strange way to look at things?

sorry for the long post...and didnt'mean to hijack the thread...to the OP...like most have said here the desicion to be childless is yours and it's not wrong at least you know what you want...I work in NICU and have seen one too many times the sad results of people who do not know what they want and all you can do is pray for those children and hope they will have a good life. Again sorry for the long post...this subject is something I can kind of relate to right now.:)