I'm a newlywed, and neither my husband or I want or have children. We have made a conscious decision to not try to have kids (and use all birth control possible for that). If I did get pregnant by accident, well, neither one of us believe in abortion, so we would have the baby. But we just have no desire for kids.
So daily I am asked by these women I'm helping if I've ever had a child. I always say no. Sometimes that leads to, are you married? yes. Well when do you plan on having a baby? etc
So, this is a little sticky for me. I don't want to come off as someone who is anti-child at all, because I'm not. I love babies. I just don't want to have to be responsible for one for 18+ years, you know? This is so hard for a lot of people to get, even my coworkers. I've been told I'll change my mind now that I'm married, but I don't think so. I want to enjoy my married life, and I can't imagine bringing a child into it.
This is a personal decision, and I'm wondering if anyone else out that has experienced it, and how you deal with these semi strangers wondering why you don't feel differently ("but you work in L&D! did something scare you off from having babies? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!")
I'm 22 and I love babies, but I don't really want one of my own. I've been married 4 years, so the heckling has begun. We might adopt someday and we might not. We did have premature twin boys that died when I was 18. I wouldn't mention that though -- people aren't TRYING to be cruel. They just feel the need to have their life choices validated.
If I was in labor, I would not question for a moment the competancy of a childfree nurse! That's just crazy. I agree that a smile, "not yet," and a question directed at their own kids/life would be a good response.
I always wanted to get married...not necessarily have kids. We knew would not going to be able to have kids (fertility issues with hubby)...I knew that when I got married...no problem to me...upset my husband more then me. he thought I really wanted kids...(not..) could have tried adoption but did not want it that bad.....
I just tell poeple "it was not in the stars"....it usually stops them cold...
I feel if you want children that's great.. but if you don't wnat them it is better to be honest with yourself from the start...there is no law (thank goodness) that states everyone needs to procreate. As we all know some people who procreate should not be allowed too...but that is a different story...
I think I share pretty much everyone's else view... I think being CF by choice is a perfectly understandable and certainly acceptable way to live life!! Not everyone wants kids! Why is that so hard to get?
But back to the original question of how to handle the pushy questions--I can relate some of my own experience (though it's not EXACTLY the same). My husband and I have 4 year old twins. EVERYONE at work, many of my patients, my extended family, the whole world it seems, wants to know when we are having more kids. We don't want anymore! Two is plenty. When I explain that we always set out to have two kids, and we got them in one shot, people inevitably say something about "don't you want to be pregnant again?" or "well, now that you have two, don't you want more?". One comment that is nice, but still can bother me is "but you made such nice babies, you should make more!" I just tell people that we're happy (that and a shrug usually stops most people), or if they push, I go on to say that our family, as it is, feels very complete and that I don't have the urge to have more and that it would be pretty silly to have more kids if I don't have that urge.
I do think people are looking for that "you've been there" thing when they ask if you're a parent. For myself, I found that I was a better L&D nurse after giving birth. But that's totally just me. Some of the best nurses I know of haven't had kids. It doesn't limit you at all. My main nurse when I had my twins was amazing--I couldn't imagine someone better--and she wasn't a parent. And on the flip side, the biggest nightmare nurse I ever worked with had given birth 4 times.
i had cervical cancer at the age of 25. when folks ask me if i have kids, and i tell them no, and then they start wanting to know why . . . i don't usually go into the cancer thing unless they really annoy me. but it's funny how that doesn't even shut some people up. then they want to know why i didn't adopt (i tried, but ran out of money before i got a child) or why didn't i try a surrogate or . . . it's really none of their damned business!
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[color=#4b0082]it's probably best to just say "i wasn't lucky enough to have kids," then change the subject. i'm 49 now, and people are still asking me if we're trying to have our own kids. if changing the subject politely doesn't work, i can ask "so why is this so important to you?" it's a bit agressive, but it works. (even better than telling them i had cancer!)
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i understand about that adoption question. people just let it fly glibly out of their mouths, obviously not knowing what a long, expensive, and harrowing sojourn it can be to try to adopt a child. grrr!!!
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
Some folks just dont' know better Simple as that.
It's no better to hear (after I miscarried numerous times)
"it was God's will" or that
"at least it was early" or
"aren't you too old" or
"you have other kids" etc, etc.
I chalk it up to ignorance and just try to blow it off. What else can you do? Some people don't get it.And they never will, no matter what we say to them.
Okay I am the liar too, I have no children unless you'r my patient who is in so much pain then I have two. I think it is so important to bond with your patients, I have even had a patient scream at me "You don't know what this is like, so shut up" Okay for me I tried two years on aggressive fertility drugs to become pregnant so this was just a blow I couldn't bare. I left ob for a short while. Well now I am back in l&d and I have two fictional children.
:)I know what you mean about the kid thing...where I work everyone (staff) is obsessed with being pregenant. I say I don't want kids RIGHT NOW and I get this look of absolute horror like I just stated that I like to torture small animals for amusement or something.
:chuckle I totally relate.
I'm pregnant now (at 32) but prior to that our friends were obsessed with children; oddly enough they often spoke of their children in a negative way like, "oh, I can't go out because someone has to watch the kids, etc" and they made it seem like such a burden.
My DH and I were asked all the time by them when were we having kids, and one friend in particular (a guy!) went so far as to state that we'd be happier with two kids! They had been asking us for about 4 years and each time I explained to them, tersely, that neither DH and I were ready and I was right smack in the middle of graduate school. I didn't want kids right now. They just couldn't understand that.
'Course, now that I am pregnant with twins (as a result of Clomid use after trying for almost a year) people ask if I was on fertility drugs. That is *so* none of their business! It's like asking if someone is on antidepressants or some other aspect of their medical history!
My DH and I are also "done" after this pregnancy (we're expecting a boy and a girl) and if I have a section I'm opting for a tubal immediately; if not, DH is getting a vas. And again, our same friends who bullied us earlier are now saying it's "too early" for us to get fixed as we may want more children.
Too early? First off, I'm 32 and DH is 33. By time we even wait a year or two to have more, we'd be 34. And we had to take clomid for THIS pregnancy, who knows what the next one will lead to? More twins? I don't think so!
Secondly, our friends who say we're "too young" were all fixed at age 28-30.
WTH?
People annoy us tremendously but I guess with time I've learned to be alot more snippy. With patients though, I would just simply say "no, I don't have children" and when they ask why I'd simply say "because we don't."
So interesting this thread got revived. Just yesterday at work I was talking with a couple of coworkers (my age) about the cost of raising kids. This resulted from talking about a pt having her 7th and how much $$ that must be, etc. So nurse 1 asks nurse 2 how many kids she wants. Then nurse 2 asks me. Before I can speak, nurse 1 says, "Oh, she doesn't WANT kids!" Like it's a horrible thing. I got the strangest look from nurse 2, a true look of disbelief.
I told her I liked having my money to keep for myself and my hubby. They exchanged looks and I didn't say anything else about that, just went on to talk about how cute the baby was that just delivered and fawn over it. I think that confused them more!
My sis is a OB nurse, she gets this alot mostly from 1st timers. she thinks maybe they are just scared about going through the process and are hoping that their nurse has survived labor!! she usually tells them the truth: yep i have 3, started when I was 15!! she is not ashamed of being a former teen mom. she is proud of what she has become. Even though i don't work on OB, i get it alot from the little old people on the transitional unit i work on. I simply say someday. i am in school now and want to finish first. i definetly don't tell them the truth, that i have always wanted kids and that my husband (whom i have been with since we were 16) has decided that they are too expensive and time consuming ( very similar to HIS mother's thinking but don't get me started on her) so now I don't know what to do. i love him, but the thought of being childless kills me. i think of being 70 years old at christmas all by ourselves because we had no kids. if he doesn't change his mind, i will be forced to leave. Anyway, I don't think the majority of these people are asking to be mean. respond politely with what you deem appropriate. maybe they are just looking to start a conversation to take their mind off of what is going on.
Specializes in med-surg, teaching, cardiac, priv. duty.
Wow, this thread has generated a lot of discussion. I'm not a OB nurse but.... I have been married since 1992 and I have no kids. So you can imagine that being well into my 30's and married this long - that I get questioned about it! It is all in "how" the person asks....Sometimes it is fine and I don't mind answering them, but sometimes people are just nosy and obnoxious.
Depending on the situation and how it is asked, I do have a one liner response that usually works pretty good.
"Why don't you have kids?"
My answer, "Some of us are just luckier than others."
That answer usually shuts them up and gives them a little something to think about....WHO is the lucky one?
They had been asking us for about 4 years and each time I explained to them, tersely, that neither DH and I were ready and I was right smack in the middle of graduate school. I didn't want kids right now. They just couldn't understand that.
MarySunshine
388 Posts
I'm 22 and I love babies, but I don't really want one of my own. I've been married 4 years, so the heckling has begun. We might adopt someday and we might not. We did have premature twin boys that died when I was 18. I wouldn't mention that though -- people aren't TRYING to be cruel. They just feel the need to have their life choices validated.
If I was in labor, I would not question for a moment the competancy of a childfree nurse! That's just crazy. I agree that a smile, "not yet," and a question directed at their own kids/life would be a good response.