I'm a newlywed, and neither my husband or I want or have children. We have made a conscious decision to not try to have kids (and use all birth control possible for that). If I did get pregnant by accident, well, neither one of us believe in abortion, so we would have the baby. But we just have no desire for kids.
So daily I am asked by these women I'm helping if I've ever had a child. I always say no. Sometimes that leads to, are you married? yes. Well when do you plan on having a baby? etc
So, this is a little sticky for me. I don't want to come off as someone who is anti-child at all, because I'm not. I love babies. I just don't want to have to be responsible for one for 18+ years, you know? This is so hard for a lot of people to get, even my coworkers. I've been told I'll change my mind now that I'm married, but I don't think so. I want to enjoy my married life, and I can't imagine bringing a child into it.
This is a personal decision, and I'm wondering if anyone else out that has experienced it, and how you deal with these semi strangers wondering why you don't feel differently ("but you work in L&D! did something scare you off from having babies? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!")
I get that a lot at work, both with laboring women and while doing baby care. I LOVE babies and talk to them a lot, which drives some of my coworkers nuts but the parents love it, lol.
I have always wanted kids, the more the merrier. I married a man who doesn't. But that's none of my patients' business. I find they usually are looking for common ground when they ask, or are trying to make conversation, but it's not about me! They don't need to hear about my husband & my issues. I either tell them "not yet" with a reassuring shrug and a smile (which lets them know that no, what they're going through in labor is not so scary to childless me that I will never have babies because of it) or laugh and say I have two tiny little dogs who call me mama. Whatever is more appropriate at the moment. Sometimes I tell them about my sister's kids when it looks like they're looking for reassurance that childless me really does know how to take care of a baby.
I agree, it's a tough question. But I have found that whatever the reason the patient is asking, it's really not about me after all.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
Would you actually ask this to a woman going into labor? I agree with another poster. Simply say "not yet" and "some day" then change the subject.,
Well, no nurseguy, not to women actively laboring........obviously, common sense must rule, don't you agree?
But I have seen childless coworkers criticized offhandedly. Funny how OB works. It is unlike most areas of nursing that way: There is a commonly -held belief that one should have experienced childbirth herself in order to possibly render proper L and D care. It's held by patients and some NURSES alike! And you know what? Some people can be very rude, frankly. And yes, I have seen patients/ family members actually say to childless nurses "what do you know about giving birth"? I have seen it a few times in 7 years of L and D experience. It galls me.
So, yes, in those cases, it may be called for to make people realize that good L and D nurses are like anyone else; coming from all walks of life. But there is a time and place, like anything.
The fact is, it is really no one's business, anyhow. Yes, "not yet" works for the ones who are polite or in cases where further explanation is not called-for. But for the ones who are not polite, sometimes, they need to understand L and D nurses need not experience childbirth themselves to do a darn good job (just ask the MEN among us lol).
Specializes in Medical/Surgical/Maternal and Child.
I live in a state where big families are encouraged (Utah). We also have a large teen mom population as well. I'm the oldest of 9 and I love children and have a daughter, 1 grandson and another one on the way. I have worked in post partum and I have seen many a woman who should not be a mother and often wondered what would become of their babies. Now while I do love children, I respect couples who choose not to have children. It's their business and they really do not owe anyone any explanations.
It amazes me how nosey they are. I'm sure many are just trying to make conversation. But when I was pregnant, working in med/surg, people would ask me the craziest questions. Am I planning to breastfeed? NONE of your business!!! Who's going to watch the baby when you go back to work? If I told them the name we picked (we knew it was a girl), they would say, 'Oh, how about Sally?'
I work in peds oncology, and I really don't like to metion that I have a child. It usually comes up if I am trying to impress a kid by telling them I've seen Shrek 100 times, or that my daughter loves the pricesses too. Then the parent will ask me about my child. I feel bed, because I'm sure they're thinking "your child is healthy, so you can't relate to us at all."
"Does that mean to be a good oncology doctor or nurse, one should have to have had/survived cancer? Or,to be a great veterarian, a person should know what it's like to be a dog or cat? Hmm... I think not." end of discussion.
My thoughts exactly!! If asked if you plan on having children, just say not at this time. ....who know's? Maybe you will change your mind, but even if you don't, who cares? There are many people that don't want kiddos, have them, and the partenting reflects their attitude. Why does society try to push people to have children if they are married?
That must be so tough! I'm not really certain why someone would feel that you have to have children to be a more effective L+D nurse, but I can certainly see people making this assumption. I am sure childless teachers get it too!
My husband and I have no plans to have children. I get questioned about my choice at least once a day by coworkers or patients. Honestly, I have never understood why this choice needs to be justified ("Why don't you want children"), but nobody would think to question why someone has children. I mean, the world will continue without me having children and I have no chance to ruin someone's life!
I worry about the fate of this planet: the environment, terrorism and wars, the abandonment of the ideal of good public education for everyone in recent years, and many other things. I think I would be a basket case if I had children.
My husband and I have no plans to have children. I get questioned about my choice at least once a day by coworkers or patients. Honestly, I have never understood why this choice needs to be justified ("Why don't you want children"), but nobody would think to question why someone has children. I mean, the world will continue without me having children and I have no chance to ruin someone's life!
Working in peds, I often question (to myself, that is) why some people have children.
That must be so annoying to be questioned all the time. Like that's all we are good for. I would NEVER question someone's choice not to have children. My mother, on the other hand, always does (not to the people). Things like, poor so and so. She'll never be a grandmother. Or I bet he'll never get married, or have kids. SO!!!!!!!! Is that your business? If someone wants to, and cannot (or cannot find someone to marry) that's different. But who asks these questions? I wouldn't, because you never know what the answer will be, and it can open a can of worms :uhoh21:
You know, I really don't consider them nosey, as I've asked people the same thing myself. It wasn't until it was ME being asked that it stood out so much. I don't think it's admirable or not admirable to make this decision. I just wish it wasn't such a big deal to folks. We love our furbaby, and that's enough for us.
I agree that things one day may change, but for now, we're set on our decision. And I do appreciate the responses! As a former onc nurse, I will use that argument to any coworker/non patient that asks, why no kids? I love it!
I've been asked by almost every laboring mom about how many children I have. I answer that I don't have human kids, I have furkids. They usually smile at this.
A couple of moms have continued their questioning - and I tell them the truth: I'm a survivor of Stage IIC ovarian cancer and my ovaries grew tumors, they didn't help me make babies. They usually don't ask anything after that, unless it's to ask how I am now! Which is: fine! My last chemo. was in April 1993.
By the way, good for you on your choice. I wish more people would think a lot MORE about making babies before they do it.
I totally understand. My hubby, and I have been married 15 yrs, and we do not plan on having any children....we both love kids but we feel that children are just not what we need. I am constantly being asked by my mom, "When are you going to make a grandma?" Now keep in mind my brother has all ready given my mom 2 adorable grandsons......Also people at work feel that they have to feel sorry for me b/c "I am missing out on not having any kids" or I hear "You and your husband won't be complete until you have kids?" What makes people feel that they have to comment?
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
i've been asked by almost every laboring mom about how many children i have. i answer that i don't have human kids, i have furkids. they usually smile at this.
a couple of moms have continued their questioning - and i tell them the truth: i'm a survivor of stage iic ovarian cancer and my ovaries grew tumors, they didn't help me make babies. they usually don't ask anything after that, unless it's to ask how i am now! which is: fine! my last chemo. was in april 1993.
by the way, good for you on your choice. i wish more people would think a lot more about making babies before they do it.
i had cervical cancer at the age of 25. when folks ask me if i have kids, and i tell them no, and then they start wanting to know why . . . i don't usually go into the cancer thing unless they really annoy me. but it's funny how that doesn't even shut some people up. then they want to know why i didn't adopt (i tried, but ran out of money before i got a child) or why didn't i try a surrogate or . . . it's really none of their damned business!
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[color=#4b0082]it's probably best to just say "i wasn't lucky enough to have kids," then change the subject. i'm 49 now, and people are still asking me if we're trying to have our own kids. if changing the subject politely doesn't work, i can ask "so why is this so important to you?" it's a bit agressive, but it works. (even better than telling them i had cancer!)
Who's going to watch the baby when you go back to work? If I told them the name we picked (we knew it was a girl), they would say, 'Oh, how about Sally?'.thumb.gif.55aeaafdb61768ab641b1fab52f42961.gif){kind=avatar}
palesarah
583 Posts
I get that a lot at work, both with laboring women and while doing baby care. I LOVE babies and talk to them a lot, which drives some of my coworkers nuts but the parents love it, lol.
I have always wanted kids, the more the merrier. I married a man who doesn't. But that's none of my patients' business. I find they usually are looking for common ground when they ask, or are trying to make conversation, but it's not about me! They don't need to hear about my husband & my issues. I either tell them "not yet" with a reassuring shrug and a smile (which lets them know that no, what they're going through in labor is not so scary to childless me that I will never have babies because of it) or laugh and say I have two tiny little dogs who call me mama. Whatever is more appropriate at the moment. Sometimes I tell them about my sister's kids when it looks like they're looking for reassurance that childless me really does know how to take care of a baby.
I agree, it's a tough question. But I have found that whatever the reason the patient is asking, it's really not about me after all.