Not feeling to good about a co-worker

Nurses General Nursing

Published

Hey guys,

Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling really depressed and not too good. There's this girl at me work place and she's really, really controlling. I wish I could tell you guys the whole story but I'm afraid that people at my work might belong to this forum and know who I'm talking about. Anyway, she's the type of person who yells and screams and talks behind your back and backstabbs if you don't do things her way.

Last Wednesday, she took a two-hour lunch break(she gets paid for lunch breaks). Later on, I heard her in my boss's office yelling and screaming and them two arguing about something. The door was closed and I was next door with the door closed but I could hear them anyways. I thought, wow, she's really scary. I thought that them two must have been arguing about her going out to a restaurant for two hours and charging him for it because she does this sort of thing all the time. No, actually my boss told me later that she was really pissed at me for not doing something very, VERY(and I mean very) insignificant the way she wanted me to do it.

Okay, I guess I'll tell you if u want to understand better. I was training someone and I wanted to show them the equipment they'd be working with and turn the equipment on and let them see what it does before giving them a whole long lecture on the equipment and how its used. She wanted me to give them a lecture first and I listened to her tell me this and I said no three times, I don't want to do things that way, I want to show it to her first. She didn't listen to me and kept smiling her angry smile and saying, no, do it this way. I kept saying, NO, I didn't want to bomboard her with information that she's not going to understand becasue she hasn't seen how the equipment works yet. This girl is the type of person that gets very angry when you say no but I persisted because I'm sick of it and I'm sick of her. She kept repeating to me, No, do it this way(she's not my superior, by the way, just another co-worker) without giving me a reason (other than she just wanted to controll how things were done). I finally said, sure, sure. And when she left, I said, Okay, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to show you how the equipment runs first. SHE found out and she BLEW UP and both me and the other girl were like, "What is that?" when we heard her screaming curses next door. Then, the girl came out, said to me and the girl I was training that she was going home and smiled at the girl and said, "Happy turkey day" and left without saying anything to me.

After she left, my boss told me that she was really really pissed. The whole time she was cursing and screaming, it wasn't about her and her lunch break: it was about me and the girl said that I don't listen to her. I then asked my boss if I could not work with her anymore because she freaks me out and becasue I actually don't like being around her too much becasue of other freaky stuff she does. When I first started working there, she would confide in me stuff like how she loved "b******* people" and how she loved how powerful and in control it made her feel to be running tests on people and telling them what to do. She lied to me and told me that she wasn't trained with anyone else when actually the last girl who was training with her quit. She is also the type of person who talks meanly about people behind their backs and then smiles at them when she meets up with them two minutes later. She ALWAYS tries to control the way I do EVERYTHING and so far, I've let her because I've been scared of her and becasue she gets angry and threatening when you don't agree to let her control you. So she brings me down and I don't feel good at work because of her. I wish I could quit to get away from this girl but I need my job. I'd really like it if she stayed as far away from me as possible or if I could stay as far away from her as possible.

But be said, no, and that I shouldn't run away from my problems.

I don't deserve to be used as an emotional trashcan like this. She is scary and she screams and yells and intimidates and controls when she doesn't get what she wants. She takes advantage that I am a shy person who gives in easily to intimidation and uses me as some kind of scapegoat for her own frustrations. I'm so upset and anxious that I can't think when I'm at work and it amkes it even worse that my boss won't help me. I wish someone would tell her, No, you can't scream and shout to intimidate other people. No, you can't control everything that Susanna does or how she thinks.

Thanks for listening. I don't know what do do or how to make myself feel better or stronger. I have been crying for the past few days. I don't want to go back to work where I'd have to work with a controlling, manipulative person again.

Susanna,

Stay strong. Things will get better.

My computer locked up, so I'll briefly re-type what I wrote last time:

1) When interviewing for another job, try not to mention this episode at all. Not that you did anything wrong (you didn't!)

2) When asked why you are applying for this new job, come up with something compelling: "I'm interested in manufacturing/your product/a position that could eventually lead to a supervisor or management position." (Get the idea?)

Trust me, I've been where you are. I've seen 2 bullie-types get fired. One girl who used to try to bully me, who the boss thought walked on water--well, all she does now in an 8 hour day is maybe 2 hours worth of work, walk around the building, talk on the phone while we have meetings with our lead about our workflow, etc. (Doesn't sound like she's on her way up at our company, does it?) Bullies eventually overstep their bounds and pay the price for it. Maybe not soon enough, though.

Strangely enough, she doesn't bother me much anymore, since I told her about a dating service after her divorce, and she met a guy on it. It didn't work out, but by then she had come to see me as a friend, and couldn't comfortably go back to her bullying habit. I don't recommend the "friend" approach, because it's a little stomach turning to feel that such a b*tch on wheels regards you as a friend, but another tactic that I like is to just say "Look. We all have our own ways of handling things. I'll handle this my way. If you want to discuss this in HR, we can do that too." (This works if you have an HR department, and can bypass your boss.)

Take care of yourself, no matter what you decide. Don't let this situation give you an ulcer.

I can see this is upsetting your entire life...Your probably a person who is like a sponge to this persons poisonous personality. You should look for another place to work, life is too short, and who knows, maybe you might even make more money.Seems like there is just too much water under the bridge now. If mng can't control her when she crosses the line, your not going to do it either..good luck to you :)

susanna,

i know people will think this is primitive but i would recommend a hardcore confrontation. even if you have to engage in unprofessional behavior. i had a similar experience this year. there is a gentleman, here at my job, who is a hero around here. he is also extremely unprofessional and will curse you out, call you an idiot and talk bad about you behind your back and to your face. he will even send emails to the whole group ridiculing people. he has been doing this for years. i am a fairly new guy on this job so i get here and he starts on me.

one day he sent out an email to everyone saying pretty bad things about me and i decided that it had gone to far and the management was not acting. i got up and went to his desk and told him that in a high stress job like this, everyone needs to treat everyone else with respect and that if he really wanted to continue down the path we were on that i would beat his a** right there in front of everyone and then we could both discuss it with the management later. his choice. and i did this in front of other people since everything he did was on front of other people. a manager showed up and intervened.

we get along fine, now. i think that, due to his history and the number of witnesses to his behavior, the management was forced to act because things nearly got out of hand. also, because of his history and their history of letting it slide, they could not punish me because they never took responsibility and nipped the problem in the bud.

i believe you are in the same position and you have ammo becasue this has been allowed to continue beyand a reasonable length of time.

good luck.

Specializes in Critical Care, ER.

Does she treat everyone in the office like this? Is there anyone else (whom you can confide in and seek advice from) that has successfully managed her behavior?

No, no, I need criticism. That is what I came here for. I guess I'm not really "playing the part of the victim" as you say. When I said, "play", I guess I really didn't mean "play" as in act. I don't "act" like a victim at work at all and I'm not getting anything out of feeling like this, I don't feel superior or "right" at all, I just feel down and boxed in in a way that I want to get out of. I'm quite willing to see things in another way that is constructive and that does not involve making me into some kind of tyrannical monster who only defends herself and pushes everyone else out of the way.

I'm just afraid you might be saying that I am to blame for all this and that I get whatever bullying that I deserve.

No, No. No! You are not to blame. No one deserves to be bullied and being constructive is the way to go. The suggestions of "victim" mentality was a generic one, not to suggest that u are one. Sorry for any misunderstanding or concern on your part.

However, those that are "victims" may benefit from looking at what they are getting out of it. Not like bad or wrong, but as an inquiry that may lead to another way of handeling situations.

Sounds like the 'lady' and the 'boss' are trying to hide something or the 'boss' is in over his head!!!

Life is way too short and your HEALTH is not worth this kind of stress! If you allow yourself to remain in this type of enviroment, you health will start to suffer for it.........there are way too many jobs out there for you to remain in such a unhealthy situation!!!

This 'lady' sounds like a tyrant and somebody needs to put her in her place. If your not going to take a stand and do something about it........ie:filing a formal complaint..........then, get the heck out of dodge!!!

Good Luck !!!!!

Specializes in LTC/Peds/ICU/PACU/CDI.

from what you've described to us....this co-worker & your boss *are* having some sort of affair!!! there's no doubt about it in my mind's eye (or in others for that matter). if not...i'd bit there's some sort of nepotism involved :angryfire!!!

first of all, no boss in their right mind will allow such insubordination from *any* employee (in position of authority or not) unless something like an affair or nepotism is going on. first red flag would be the way this co-worker is allowed to even speak to (let alone) yell at the boss :rolleyes:. if you can elaborate for us your office's infrastructure. is there an office manager? is there a coordinator for your section? is there a overall director? how many people work in your & this co-worker's capacity? in other words, how many chiefs & how many indians are there to operate your office properly? and where does this obnoxious co-worker fall in all of this?

secondly, if your boss is soooo tight with hours & paying you for overtime, why then is this person allowed to take two or more hours *paid* lunches? while you & perhaps others have to cut your work day short to make-up for it :angryfire? is there a pattern that whenever this occurs (her taking two hour lunches), you have to cut short your hours for that day (or sometime that week)? i'd ask *him* the next time he wants me to cut my day short....what about the time ms. so 'n so took "x" number of hours for paid lunch...you remember...the time when you two went at it? i'd definitely call him on that crap! it seems to me that this individual is given way too much latitude (both monetarily & authoritatively) :uhoh3:. well, that's how i'm reading it anyways.

thirdly, you've mentioned that you feel this co-worker *hired* you....can you tell us how or what makes you think this? and if it's true, then may be she feels entitled to *boss* you? i'm trying to understand the dynamics of this employee in terms of her position & authority. is she some sort of lead ma or office charge nurse? were you interviewed by this person prior to getting the position? you see, my current job encourages all employees to interview perspective co-worker (to feel them out & to make sure they'd make a *good* fit to the office in terms of personality...qualifications side aside). perhaps this was the case here too...but this person decided to take it a notch higher.

you've been given plenty of good sound advice here...i'm just going to weigh in on some.

1) i would first have a heart to heart talk with the co-worker in question. ask her what's her position there really is. then ask her how that position involve her supervising you (don't mention what she does with other co-workers at this point cuz this is about your work relationship with her). you do need to tell her how her behavior & the lack of self control is unprofessional (after-all, there are patients who are clients involved & *they* have to have witness this behavior from time to time)...tell her this does affect you & the patients' perspective. as in any sort of harassment case, the offender must be told that they're being offensive...otherwise...there's no harassment issue (this is particularly true in cases of sexual harassment) the offender can't stop their offensive behavior unless they've been made aware of it. if said offender continues offensive behavior after being place on notice, they can be charge with harassment & will be severely dealt with. now this usually works well where there's a company's large enough to have a human resource dept. but in your case, it may only be that one small medical office; & if that's so, then just merely involving patient willing to write a letter of complaint might be enough. if after having this heart-to-heart with this person doesn't work, then you'll have to tell her you're taking it further. but if, however, it does work, then problem solved.

2) now in the case the problem isn't solved...then you'll have to have a meeting with the co-worker & your immediate supervisor/boss. you have to call them both on their behaviors (the co-workers for her inappropriate outburst & your boss's for his lack of action). you have to inform them that this sort of behavior is affecting the entire office dynamic (her shouting, your taking it, the fact that patients *see* this, & the fact that other employees also see the boss's non-action to it). tell him he *looks* badly for not at least trying to resolve the problem...tell him it's a matter of overall office morale. should the problem get resolved at this point...then mission accomplished...but if not...then either take it further (if possible) or have another job all lined-up.

3) if it's a case where your boss has yet another boss, then you'll have to tell them both that if no resolution to this issue is done to your satisfaction within a reasonable period of time, you'll be then force to take it further up the chain of command which often times involves an outside dept like hr. believe you me...your boss doesn't want to take it outside of the immediate office area & will make the proper adjustments.

now from here on out, i'd suggest that you keep a running professional journal about everything that goes on in the office...not just about this one individual. i would stick to only the facts (dates, times, & events such as the date & time ms. so 'n so took that two hour lunch for example)...keep all personal opinions out. this way, if & when something else happens down the line, you won't be accused of having *personality conflicts* with just this one person. it'll confirm that you're not bias against her (or your boss either). a running professional journal is considered a legal document (another reason for keeping personal feelings out of it). it shows you've been consistent with bona-fide facts & time-line. write as legibly as possible. should you make any mistakes, don't use white-out; but drawl a line through the entry & mark it as error & initial it.

again, do all of this with a secondary back-up plan or job at the ready. start looking around tonight even....do job searches on the web. update your resume....& when you do start interviewing....always make it about the place you're applying to. never say you're leaving for the above reasons (it'll have a negative reflection on your ability to work with others). like another person said...make it about the new prospective place. say something to the effect that...."i would like the to work for a progressive establishment that offers opportunities for career grow." make it about that place's reputation of being *the place to work*. do some research regarding that business....find out the name of the interviewer or the department head in advance. find out other historical facts about the establishment prior to going. have at the ready your reasons why you'd benefit as well as why they'd benefit from having you. always follow-up with a thank you letter (whether interviewed or not)...try not to call unless the interviewer has given you their business card & has expressed their consent. calling hr main number to speak with someone is often times fruitless as many are geared for an automated directory system anyway. lastly, sell yourself...you've done it before....it's time to invest in it again. i think you'll be much happier overall in the end.

my overall point is....just do something! should you say or do nothing to try & remedy this situation...it's only going to get worse otherwise. who knows...you'd might end-up being fired after-all whether you keep quiet for the sake of peace or not...it doesn't matter especially if this co-worker turn out to be the boss's mistress & she changes *her* mind about having you about.

good luck & sincerely pray on it ~ cheers,

moe

Do you have a human resources person? (The person who is in charge of payroll if no one else). If you do then talk to them first and have a witness when you talk to the boss have you been keeping a log? If you can bring up specific days times and witnesses of events then they are a lot more concrete and actionable than he said she said. Try to think of as many events as you can and who was a witness to them. if your office is to small for you to have a HR rep then you still need to get a reliable witness to take notes on the meeting. No matter how this goes down you may be fired the notes of this last meeting may be what you take to your lawyer. You do not have to put up with this horizontal violence and petty harassment. Good luck!!!

Specializes in Med Surg/Tele/ER.

It sounds like you have done everything humanly possible to avoid this person. You have asked your "boss" for help, you have ignored her, you have given in to her & nothing works. I do think your "boss" & the devil co-worker are sleeping together, or she has him over the barrel for something. I will probally get blasted for this but..... forget your boss (he an idiot) the very next time she starts this stuff ask her to step into a private place, tell her to leave you alone & if she starts yelling at you SLAP THE CRAP OUT OF HER! ( and I don't mean a little love pat). Maybe not the most mature way to deal with it but enough already. Now I know violence is not a solution to our problems & we teach & stress non violent approaches to problems but a good old fashioned attitude adjustment can work wonders.Ok everybody blast away.

Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
This sounds like one of the ladies that goes to my church! :chuckle She loves being in control, and even though she has absolutely no authority, she has intimidated almost everyone at one time or another, including me. Here's what I've decided to do... First, I make a decision that I am NOT going to fight with her. Second, I am going to pick my battles. (Yeah, I know I just said I'm not going to fight with her, but I just mean that I'm not going to get into a yelling match or a power struggle). There are some things that I could care less about. If she wants it done a certain way, okay with me! Third, since she has absolutely NO authority over me and the choices I make, when I do choose to take on an issue, I let her know that I have heard her but that I will talk to the superintendent or the elders about my choices, but otherwise, I'll stick to what I'm doing. She certainly does not like this and has let me know this on several occasions. However, I have noticed her approach to me has changed over the last several months. I'm not sure that I can say that she has come to respect me, but I think that she knows that she can't bully me either. To sum this up:

1. pick your battles

2. remember that she has no power over you that you don't give to her.

3. be firm, be unaffected by her tantrums

4. take it to the manager if you need to, but let her know that you are not submitting to her whim.

I know this is hard to do, believe me. But if you want to continue to work there then you need to set your own boundaries and not let her cross them. Most of the times that means choosing how YOU will react to her. She may never change, so you need to figure out how you are going to deal with her. Good luck! :)

This advice is very sensible. Bullies are everywhere. Remember, it's not about you but her own insecurities and inadequacies. BE firm, strong and do NOT cave in to her rotten behavior. You deserve better.

Hi all, I'm so tired. I went to work yesterday and J and my boss were acting like everything was normal. So, I just played along. She seemed a little scared and more polite but still really fake so I decided, right there, not to confront her. This girl is so fake I think she is incapable of listening to anything constructive if it involves telling the truth about her. She does not want to be exposed, I do not want to expose her unless it is constructive and helps me feel better about work.

I did stop her when she was bs-ing me about something though yesterday and she seemed a little surprised but I just acted calm and said, Can I please do that instead? I need to do it myself, its not enough to listen to you talk about it. From now on, I'm stopping her whenever I don't feel comfortable with anything she does or says to me.

And I'm not letting her leach of my self-confidence anymore. I just realised how nervous she had been making me the day since I got there and how unsure of myself I've been and unhappy because she was always there with her "I don't want my trainee to feel confident hin herself" bloodsuckers. I can't believe how far I let this go on and how much I've let this eat me and my ability to feel safe and secure away. I've been running around like a crazy person lost because I've given this lady the right to lie, manipulate, and have complete control over me like she has wanted.

Today, I am not going to do the special project for my boss that I said I offered to do for him without charging the hours I work. I get paid the way she gets paid and treated the way she gets treated, nothing less.

Specializes in RN, LNC, Owner of Staffing Agency.

If you have to work with her, and you have to keep your job, try saying this the next time she yells:

"It does not matter who you think you are, but nothing warrants you verbally abusing me". Then, tell her to "stop it immediately". Say that over and over until she gets the message, or until you finally believe it yourself and build up your strength to get over some of your shyness.

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