Not feeling to good about a co-worker

Nurses General Nursing

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Hey guys,

Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling really depressed and not too good. There's this girl at me work place and she's really, really controlling. I wish I could tell you guys the whole story but I'm afraid that people at my work might belong to this forum and know who I'm talking about. Anyway, she's the type of person who yells and screams and talks behind your back and backstabbs if you don't do things her way.

Last Wednesday, she took a two-hour lunch break(she gets paid for lunch breaks). Later on, I heard her in my boss's office yelling and screaming and them two arguing about something. The door was closed and I was next door with the door closed but I could hear them anyways. I thought, wow, she's really scary. I thought that them two must have been arguing about her going out to a restaurant for two hours and charging him for it because she does this sort of thing all the time. No, actually my boss told me later that she was really pissed at me for not doing something very, VERY(and I mean very) insignificant the way she wanted me to do it.

Okay, I guess I'll tell you if u want to understand better. I was training someone and I wanted to show them the equipment they'd be working with and turn the equipment on and let them see what it does before giving them a whole long lecture on the equipment and how its used. She wanted me to give them a lecture first and I listened to her tell me this and I said no three times, I don't want to do things that way, I want to show it to her first. She didn't listen to me and kept smiling her angry smile and saying, no, do it this way. I kept saying, NO, I didn't want to bomboard her with information that she's not going to understand becasue she hasn't seen how the equipment works yet. This girl is the type of person that gets very angry when you say no but I persisted because I'm sick of it and I'm sick of her. She kept repeating to me, No, do it this way(she's not my superior, by the way, just another co-worker) without giving me a reason (other than she just wanted to controll how things were done). I finally said, sure, sure. And when she left, I said, Okay, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to show you how the equipment runs first. SHE found out and she BLEW UP and both me and the other girl were like, "What is that?" when we heard her screaming curses next door. Then, the girl came out, said to me and the girl I was training that she was going home and smiled at the girl and said, "Happy turkey day" and left without saying anything to me.

After she left, my boss told me that she was really really pissed. The whole time she was cursing and screaming, it wasn't about her and her lunch break: it was about me and the girl said that I don't listen to her. I then asked my boss if I could not work with her anymore because she freaks me out and becasue I actually don't like being around her too much becasue of other freaky stuff she does. When I first started working there, she would confide in me stuff like how she loved "b******* people" and how she loved how powerful and in control it made her feel to be running tests on people and telling them what to do. She lied to me and told me that she wasn't trained with anyone else when actually the last girl who was training with her quit. She is also the type of person who talks meanly about people behind their backs and then smiles at them when she meets up with them two minutes later. She ALWAYS tries to control the way I do EVERYTHING and so far, I've let her because I've been scared of her and becasue she gets angry and threatening when you don't agree to let her control you. So she brings me down and I don't feel good at work because of her. I wish I could quit to get away from this girl but I need my job. I'd really like it if she stayed as far away from me as possible or if I could stay as far away from her as possible.

But be said, no, and that I shouldn't run away from my problems.

I don't deserve to be used as an emotional trashcan like this. She is scary and she screams and yells and intimidates and controls when she doesn't get what she wants. She takes advantage that I am a shy person who gives in easily to intimidation and uses me as some kind of scapegoat for her own frustrations. I'm so upset and anxious that I can't think when I'm at work and it amkes it even worse that my boss won't help me. I wish someone would tell her, No, you can't scream and shout to intimidate other people. No, you can't control everything that Susanna does or how she thinks.

Thanks for listening. I don't know what do do or how to make myself feel better or stronger. I have been crying for the past few days. I don't want to go back to work where I'd have to work with a controlling, manipulative person again.

If you want to play it low-key, what about the old "It takes two to argue" approach. If she gets absolutely NO response other than "Thank you for your insight; I'll take it into consideration" it takes the power and control from her. You have acknowledged her opinion and you didn't lower yourself to obnoxious behavior. Kind of like when your older sibling teases you; without any response, they quit. It will frustrate her to no end if you brush it off like a pesky fly. She can rant, rave, fume, stomp and scream but if you don't give a response (not even an eye roll or a grimace, gotta think your "happy thought") you will watch her deflate. She flat out admits that she likes feeling powerful and manipulating things . . .

I dont know about the rest of you..but when I read this sentence, a few red flags went up. When does a female worker get to confront her male boss by hollering and screaming? What female worker takes 2hr lunches at a restaurant and charges her boss for it?

Anyway, the point is, Susanna, you're going to have to solve this one on your own. I have a feeling your boss is not going to help you - and going over his head may get you fired.

There is LIFE out there, you can find another job! You NEED to find another job.

You are right. I do want to quit and find another job. But my friends all told me not to and you know what, they are right. This isn't the first time someone has made me feel so bad at work that I quit. This time, I'm not giving to give up my job because someone else is pushing me out.

Come Monday, I am going to confront both her and my boss and tell them that I'm here to stay and I want to feel self-confident in my job and what I am doing there and feel like I have a secure place and I need them to do some things for me in order for me to do this:

I will speak to them both:

To her, I am going to say:

*I need to feel that I can say, NO, to you and that you will listen and respect that no means no for a good reason and to listen to my reasoning. I need you to listen when I say NO.

*I need you to stop picking on whatever I do and trying to control how I do it because I need to develop my own capacity to think for myself and my own self-confidence in what I do and how I see things I can't do that when you get upset that I don't do things your way and when I don't take your advice.

*I need you to not scream and shout and curse and intimidate when I don't do what you want me to do because that scares me and when I'm scared, I can't think. I find that manipulative of my emotional state and my emotional security when you do that. I need you to not do that in order for me to stay sane and stable.

*I need you not to lie to me like when you lied about your training. You were working with a girl before who quit. I asked you who you worked with before and you did not mention her. I need to you to include me as a teammate here and include me on the details of what you are doing and what is happening or what has happened in the past and not lie about it.

To her, in private, I will say:

Editied

To him, in private, I will say:

*I need you to not lie to me about certain things about my job such as: (There's a few things he has lied about and I don't want to post them here)

*I treat you with the respect that I treat my parents. I don't lie to you and when you have said that you "don't want to pay me" for certain hours I work or things I do, I beleived that you couldn't pay me and I worked without pay for a lot of things. But I see that the other two people who work here are not taking any pay cuts or cuts in their hours. I need you to treat me as equally as them and pay me as equally as them. I need to pay my bills and this job ius not cutting it for me. You promised 20 hours of payed work every week when I first came here and I need at least 15 hours to pay my own expenses. I need you to keep your promise and not skimp on my salary, unless you are planning to skimp on everyone else's salary too.

Is this all too threatening? Should I say all this in any other way? I probably won't get around to saying half of it, in reality, but tell me what you think. How else should I put things?

You are right. I do want to quit and find another job. But my friends all told me not to and you know what, they are right. This isn't the first time someone has made me feel so bad at work that I quit. This time, I'm not giving to give up my job because someone else is pushing me out.

Come Monday, I am going to confront both her and my boss and tell them that I'm here to stay and I want to feel self-confident in my job and what I am doing there and feel like I have a secure place and I need them to do some things for me in order for me to do this:

I will speak to them both:

To her, I am going to say:

*I need to feel that I can say, NO, to you and that you will listen and respect that no means no for a good reason and to listen to my reasoning. I need you to listen when I say NO.

*I need you to stop picking on whatever I do and trying to control how I do it because I need to develop my own capacity to think for myself and my own self-confidence in what I do and how I see things I can't do that when you get upset that I don't do things your way and when I don't take your advice.

*I need you to not scream and shout and curse and intimidate when I don't do what you want me to do because that scares me and when I'm scared, I can't think. I find that manipulative of my emotional state and my emotional security when you do that. I need you to not do that in order for me to stay sane and stable.

*I need you not to lie to me like when you lied about your training. You were working with a girl before who quit. I asked you who you worked with before and you did not mention her. I need to you to include me as a teammate here and include me on the details of what you are doing and what is happening or what has happened in the past and not lie about it.

To her, in private, I will say:

*You talked when I first came here about how you love bullshitting other people and about how you only did this job to get paid. I need to know how you feel about certain projects that you and I are working on. If you are just bullshitting things because you don't feel good about it or are not up to doing it, that is fine, I'm not going to tattletale on you. But I need to know. You need to tell me instead of giving me ***** answers about work that I'm doing with you. I get confused and feel lost when you do that. What you say to me about our boss or how much you don't like your work or don't believe in it is confidential but I need you to NOT bullshit me, at the very least. I can't take my head being ****ed around like that.

To him, in private, I will say:

*I need you to not lie to me about certain things about my job such as: (There's a few things he has lied about and I don't want to post them here)

*I treat you with the respect that I treat my parents. I don't lie to you and when you have said that you "don't want to pay me" for certain hours I work or things I do, I beleived that you couldn't pay me and I worked without pay for a lot of things. But I see that the other two people who work here are not taking any pay cuts or cuts in their hours. I need you to treat me as equally as them and pay me as equally as them. I need to pay my bills and this job ius not cutting it for me. You promised 20 hours of payed work every week when I first came here and I need at least 15 hours to pay my own expenses. I need you to keep your promise and not skimp on my salary, unless you are planning to skimp on everyone else's salary too.

Is this all too threatening? Should I say all this in any other way? I probably won't get around to saying half of it, in reality, but tell me what you think. How else should I put things?

I wouldn't have this conversation unless I already had another job offer. Not to sound harsh, but if you say these things, you probably won't have a job when it's all over. The issue of not getting the hours of work you want definitely needs to be addressed with your boss. You say you've already expressed your feelings about the cursing and yelling to your boss to no avail, so don't beat a dead horse. I personally would concentrate on my work, do my job to the best of my abilities, and keep to myself. Don't worry about her two-hour lunches unless you're signing her paycheck - no, it's not fair, we've all worked with someone like this, but you're wasting your energy by worrying about it. The next time she tries to control how you do your job, smile and say something to the effect that we all have our ways of doing things and you appreciate her interest. Don't fight with her. I would mention to your boss that you really want to have a harmonious relationship with her; and the next time she comes to him with a complaint, you would like to be included on the conversation in order to turn it into a constructive, problem-solving session. Make sure you are the epitome of self-control in these meetings, absolutely do not sink to her level of cursing and yelling; doing so will totally invalidate your complaint. And finally, do not under any circumstances tell her that she scares you. That's exactly what she wants. What is her job function that she feels like it is okay to tell you how to do things?

I wouldn't have this conversation unless I already had another job offer. Not to sound harsh, but if you say these things, you probably won't have a job when it's all over. The issue of not getting the hours of work you want definitely needs to be addressed with your boss. You say you've already expressed your feelings about the cursing and yelling to your boss to no avail, so don't beat a dead horse. I personally would concentrate on my work, do my job to the best of my abilities, and keep to myself. Don't worry about her two-hour lunches unless you're signing her paycheck - no, it's not fair, we've all worked with someone like this, but you're wasting your energy by worrying about it. The next time she tries to control how you do your job, smile and say something to the effect that we all have our ways of doing things and you appreciate her interest. Don't fight with her. I would mention to your boss that you really want to have a harmonious relationship with her; and the next time she comes to him with a complaint, you would like to be included on the conversation in order to turn it into a constructive, problem-solving session. Make sure you are the epitome of self-control in these meetings, absolutely do not sink to her level of cursing and yelling; doing so will totally invalidate your complaint. And finally, do not under any circumstances tell her that she scares you. That's exactly what she wants. What is her job function that she feels like it is okay to tell you how to do things?

She has the same job function as I do but I think she hired me for some reason.

I thought what I wrote was actually pretty non-threatening and more constructive than destructive, I mean I wasn't going to tattletale in front of the boss about her as I indicated when I wrote, This I will say in front of both of them and This I will say in private. And I tried to make all "I need from you" statements and no blatantly accusatory "You do this wrong" statements.

I do agree that it is risky telling her, This scares me, and that I do not really want to tell a person who is manipulative about my emotions. Because she might just keep taking advantage of that. But, I thought telling her that in front of the boss will show them both, in no unclear terms, that her actions interupt with the way I function and that if they want me to function at my best, she must stop.

Thankyou for your advcie though. I like your advice and will take it and really appreciate it. If you really think I could lose my job for speaking like this, I will take that into consideration and maybe only speak to my boss and not her.

Specializes in Trauma,ER,CCU/OHU/Nsg Ed/Nsg Research.

Is this person sleeping with the boss or something?

You listed a lot of needs that aren't being met on this job. So, why are you staying?

Specializes in Home care, assisted living.

Do you like your job? IF YOU DO, then stay, and learn to stand up to this girl. If NOT, then it's time to work on that resume and start browsing the job market.

Like you, I tend to easily intimidated by controlling people and like you, I've put up with a job that sucks because I need it. I live paycheck to paycheck and the bills aren't going anywhere. And I realize that every job has its share of problems to deal with--that's why my friends and family are baffled that I've steadily plodded on in my current dead-end job for four years. But someday, I'm leaving (I'm thinking about doing a job search once January gets here).

At work, I'm learning to become more assertive because at some point, you get tired of the crap people give you. Just this morning, the 7-3 med tech told me that since I was staying until 9 AM (I work 11P-9A), I could pass her 9 AM meds (after all, I'm a med tech too, right?). :angryfire I almost caved in, then realized that I was already swamped with things to do the rest of my shift. So I told her that and she relented. Basically speaking, she was trying to sweet-talk me into doing her job. I should have called her on it immediately.

As far as bosses go, it really helps to have one who backs you up. If you don't, then you're on your own. If your co-workers see you as timid, they'll jump on that and you'll have no one to back you up. At least where I work management stands up for me and backs me up. If you don't even have that, and don't like your job, well....:uhoh21:

Is this person sleeping with the boss or something?

You listed a lot of needs that aren't being met on this job. So, why are you staying?

To the first question, no, or atleast, I highly doubt it. I don't really want to think he has any special attachment to her or anything. Not becasue it wouldn't matter but because it only makes me feel worse. I'm staying because I need the paycheck and because I don't have another job that pays as much lined up right now and becasue I've already made a lot of sacrifices for this job and although I don't think I need to be rewarded for sacrifices already made, I don't want to leave this job that I've sacrificied so much for already. I will try talk to both my boss and the girl on Monday. I will tell you guys how it goes.

Your coworker sounds like a person suffering from

Borderline Personality Disorder (with histrionic features).

Your boss sounds like an enabler (with histrionic features).

Some work setting dynamics are dysfunctional to the point of becoming toxic.

Line up a new job or at least look. Toxic is toxic and some things can not be fixed or tolerated.

hope this helps

Specializes in Trauma,ER,CCU/OHU/Nsg Ed/Nsg Research.
To the first question, no, or atleast, I highly doubt it. I don't really want to think he has any special attachment to her or anything. Not becasue it wouldn't matter but because it only makes me feel worse. I'm staying because I need the paycheck and because I don't have another job that pays as much lined up right now and becasue I've already made a lot of sacrifices for this job and although I don't think I need to be rewarded for sacrifices already made, I don't want to leave this job that I've sacrificied so much for already. I will try talk to both my boss and the girl on Monday. I will tell you guys how it goes.

Well, I guess it all boils down to how much are you willing to sacrifice for a job. If you are sacrificing too much for your own good, then by all accounts you are being a martyr. The only way this is going to stop is if you decide to stop being a martyr. Learn to say no and mean it. If you repeat it often enough, then they will get the hint. If your boss agrees to your terms, by all means get it in writing. Set some boundaries with these people! If you don't set boundaries with out of control people who treat you like crap, then you are 50% responsible for the outcome.

You know, this just sounds like a bad situation to me all the way around.. What type of facility is this where a nurse can take 2 hour lunchs? Is this a hospital, Dr.s office, nursing home, what? Just curious here.

My impressions:

A. Your co-worker is sleeping with your boss & has very little self control. She is threatened by you & wants to control what goes on in the workplace. She's a little b**** & needs to be put in her place, but why go there?

B. Your boss is a wuss. He does not want to pay you for time you have worked? I would have to pinch his head off, the jerk.

C. Do you REALLY want to work here? I think it sounds like an absolutely horrible work environment & I don't see it improving anytime soon.

Isn't there anywhere else you would rather work? This is just a mess & why place yourself in that situation on a daily basis? And yes, I am curious too whether or not this is a union position, maybe I missed that from an earlier post..that would perhaps changes things.. You could confront them both but in my humble opinion why bother it's just a bad scene...I'd start looking around for something else a little less dysfunctional & move along...no one should have to work in that crappy atmosphere..HUGSXXX to you.

-Sara

Specializes in Rodeo Nursing (Neuro).

If you've already discussed this with your boss to no avail, your local Bar Association will have a list of attorneys you can contact and may even be able to recommend one you can afford. There are usually lawyers around who would be willing to write a letter itemizing your grievances and the possible remedies you could pursue, and at least some may only charge a small fee--$50 or less, for a simple letter that is likely to make a strong impression.

Or you could take your problem to the National Labor Relations Board. I'm sure they would either help you or refer you to someone who can.

There is, of course, a real chance your boss will retaliate, in which case you'll need a lawyer for real. But if things are as you say they are, you'll have no problem finding one. Any retaliation for asserting your rights is going to cost him a bunch of money.

If you've already discussed this with your boss to no avail, your local Bar Association will have a list of attorneys you can contact and may even be able to recommend one you can afford. There are usually lawyers around who would be willing to write a letter itemizing your grievances and the possible remedies you could pursue, and at least some may only charge a small fee--$50 or less, for a simple letter that is likely to make a strong impression.

Or you could take your problem to the National Labor Relations Board. I'm sure they would either help you or refer you to someone who can.

There is, of course, a real chance your boss will retaliate, in which case you'll need a lawyer for real. But if things are as you say they are, you'll have no problem finding one. Any retaliation for asserting your rights is going to cost him a bunch of money.

No, thanks though, I do feel vindicative and angry but not enough to actually threaten anyone or threaten to sue anyone. You can really sue someone for this though? I didn't know that.

I think I'm taking this too personally; this girl just has a need to feed her ego and vent her anger and frustation on the safest target, its not really "me" as a person she is picking on.

Isn't there anywhere else you would rather work? This is just a mess & why place yourself in that situation on a daily basis? And yes, I am curious too whether or not this is a union position, maybe I missed that from an earlier post..that would perhaps changes things.. You could confront them both but in my humble opinion why bother it's just a bad scene...I'd start looking around for something else a little less dysfunctional & move along...no one should have to work in that crappy atmosphere..HUGSXXX to you.

-Sara

Yeah, I don't have another job lined up right now though and I think it'll kind of look bad to tell a prospective employer that I'm leaving my old job after only working there for five months and telling them its becasue I couldn't stand a co-worker and couldn't handle her.

No, this is not a union position.

Thanks for the hugs, I really needed them.

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