Not feeling to good about a co-worker

[susanna]

Hey guys,

Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling really depressed and not too good. There's this girl at me work place and she's really, really controlling. I wish I could tell you guys the whole story but I'm afraid that people at my work might belong to this forum and know who I'm talking about. Anyway, she's the type of person who yells and screams and talks behind your back and backstabbs if you don't do things her way.

Last Wednesday, she took a two-hour lunch break(she gets paid for lunch breaks). Later on, I heard her in my boss's office yelling and screaming and them two arguing about something. The door was closed and I was next door with the door closed but I could hear them anyways. I thought, wow, she's really scary. I thought that them two must have been arguing about her going out to a restaurant for two hours and charging him for it because she does this sort of thing all the time. No, actually my boss told me later that she was really pissed at me for not doing something very, VERY(and I mean very) insignificant the way she wanted me to do it.

Okay, I guess I'll tell you if u want to understand better. I was training someone and I wanted to show them the equipment they'd be working with and turn the equipment on and let them see what it does before giving them a whole long lecture on the equipment and how its used. She wanted me to give them a lecture first and I listened to her tell me this and I said no three times, I don't want to do things that way, I want to show it to her first. She didn't listen to me and kept smiling her angry smile and saying, no, do it this way. I kept saying, NO, I didn't want to bomboard her with information that she's not going to understand becasue she hasn't seen how the equipment works yet. This girl is the type of person that gets very angry when you say no but I persisted because I'm sick of it and I'm sick of her. She kept repeating to me, No, do it this way(she's not my superior, by the way, just another co-worker) without giving me a reason (other than she just wanted to controll how things were done). I finally said, sure, sure. And when she left, I said, Okay, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to show you how the equipment runs first. SHE found out and she BLEW UP and both me and the other girl were like, "What is that?" when we heard her screaming curses next door. Then, the girl came out, said to me and the girl I was training that she was going home and smiled at the girl and said, "Happy turkey day" and left without saying anything to me.

After she left, my boss told me that she was really really pissed. The whole time she was cursing and screaming, it wasn't about her and her lunch break: it was about me and the girl said that I don't listen to her. I then asked my boss if I could not work with her anymore because she freaks me out and becasue I actually don't like being around her too much becasue of other freaky stuff she does. When I first started working there, she would confide in me stuff like how she loved "b******* people" and how she loved how powerful and in control it made her feel to be running tests on people and telling them what to do. She lied to me and told me that she wasn't trained with anyone else when actually the last girl who was training with her quit. She is also the type of person who talks meanly about people behind their backs and then smiles at them when she meets up with them two minutes later. She ALWAYS tries to control the way I do EVERYTHING and so far, I've let her because I've been scared of her and becasue she gets angry and threatening when you don't agree to let her control you. So she brings me down and I don't feel good at work because of her. I wish I could quit to get away from this girl but I need my job. I'd really like it if she stayed as far away from me as possible or if I could stay as far away from her as possible.

But be said, no, and that I shouldn't run away from my problems.

I don't deserve to be used as an emotional trashcan like this. She is scary and she screams and yells and intimidates and controls when she doesn't get what she wants. She takes advantage that I am a shy person who gives in easily to intimidation and uses me as some kind of scapegoat for her own frustrations. I'm so upset and anxious that I can't think when I'm at work and it amkes it even worse that my boss won't help me. I wish someone would tell her, No, you can't scream and shout to intimidate other people. No, you can't control everything that Susanna does or how she thinks.

Thanks for listening. I don't know what do do or how to make myself feel better or stronger. I have been crying for the past few days. I don't want to go back to work where I'd have to work with a controlling, manipulative person again.

[bluesky, BSN, RN]

Gosh what an awful situation... I am so sorry

To me it sounds like it's the boss who's running away from HIS problem which is to manage HER behavior . Is there someone above him that you can go to? Do you work in a union shop? It may help to compose a letter that would be signed by all of your coworkers, thus showing this is more than just an interpersonal issue between the two of you. Another tactic might be to just ignore her (that might really piss her off!). You can always threaten to leave if they don't do something about the b***h....

Good luck either way... try not to let her ruin weekend too!

[llg, PhD, RN]

You need to decide whether you can live with the situation as it is or not. If the answer is "not," then you need to change it. You can either:

1. Avoid her

2. Ignore her and simply ignore her tirades

3. Confront her

4. Have a heart-to-heart with someone at work who might be able to help you (your boss, an educator, a more senior nurse, etc.)

5. Transfer to another unit

6. Quit your job

The decision is up to you. It sounds to me as if you need to stop giving this person the power to control your well-being and take control of the situation. Stop being a victim. Regardless of the strategy you choose, there will probably be some negative outcomes of your actions as well as some positive ones. Decide on a course of action, act, and then be prepared to deal with whatever negative outcomes accompany your acts. For example, if you think you may have to change jobs -- find a new one before you do anything to endanger your old one.

The decision is up to you. But if you choose to do nothing, then take responsibility for making that choice and recognize that you have chosen to live with this situation as it now stands. That will at least give you a sense of control that might make you feel a little bit better.

llg

[tiroka03, LPN]

can you file harrassment charges at work?

[susanna]

You need to decide whether you can live with the situation as it is or not. If the answer is "not," then you need to change it. You can either:

1. Avoid her

2. Ignore her and simply ignore her tirades

3. Confront her

4. Have a heart-to-heart with someone at work who might be able to help you (your boss, an educator, a more senior nurse, etc.)

5. Transfer to another unit

6. Quit your job

The decision is up to you. It sounds to me as if you need to stop giving this person the power to control your well-being and take control of the situation. Stop being a victim. Regardless of the strategy you choose, there will probably be some negative outcomes of your actions as well as some positive ones. Decide on a course of action, act, and then be prepared to deal with whatever negative outcomes accompany your acts. For example, if you think you may have to change jobs -- find a new one before you do anything to endanger your old one.

The decision is up to you. But if you choose to do nothing, then take responsibility for making that choice and recognize that you have chosen to live with this situation as it now stands. That will at least give you a sense of control that might make you feel a little bit better.

llg

I'm sorry. This is all very good advice but I forgot to tell you all that I don't work in a hospital and I am not a nurse even though I do work with equipment and patients. I work in a very small medical office setting. So I just can't avoid her or transfer to another unit becasue there is no other unit.

I like number 3 but the truth is, I don't think this is a person that can be confronted. I mean, look what happened the last time I just confronted her and stood up for myself for the first time over a very, very MINOR detail. What does no mean to her? I said, NO and she has a problem with me saying simply, NO, I will NOT do it your way because I want to do it my way. So then she threatens me by screaming so that me and the other girl could hear. I only think it would make matters worse if I try to confront her again. She'd only keep trying to scare me. SHE KNOWS THAT IT SCARES ME. I'm a quiet, soft person. I can't scream or yell back and I can't really defend myself when someone is trying to make me feel intimidated. ITS NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T TRIED WITH HER BEFORE. How do you tell someone like this to stop picking on you when they think they're perfect? I know that sounds whimpy and that I am being a stupid, lazy bum and not trying but really, my voice breaks, I feel sick, and I start crying when I feel that other people are just "out to get me" becasue they feel they can do it to me. I can't deal with that.

For number 4, my and my boss don't have heart-to heart conversations. I already begged him to let me not work with her. To tell you the truth though, I think he doesn't like her either but he doesn't do anything about it because he's not the one she takes her sh** out on. Anyway, he said he would not help me.

You are right though. I need to stop playing the victim and make a decision and stand by it. Write now I guess I'm playing the victim because I'm angry and just brainstorming about what I can do and letting out a major vent.

[susanna]

can you file harrassment charges at work?

What can I say, This person won't stop being overbearing and intimidating? She's not my boss.

I think I would get fired for filing for harrasment charges against my boss for him not doing anything about it.

If you guys were in my situation, do you think it would be better to confront this person and tell her how you feel or, not wanting to give this person the satisfaction of knowing how badly she makes you feel because you already know SHE KNOWS that she's been making you feel bad or try to "ignore her and her tirades"?

I think I am going to try to ignore her and keep saying no, when i feel that no is right. I'm pretty sure she already knows that she makes me feel bad.

[akcarmean, LPN]

I would go to your boss and tell him that if he isn't going to do something about her actions that you want harrassment charges filed against her and I am sure something can be done about him as well b/c he is the boss and should controll his workers. Make your decision and then stick to your guns. Good Luck and keep us posted.

Angelia

[monnelise]

What can I say, This person won't stop being overbearing and intimidating? She's not my boss.

I think I would get fired for filing for harrasment charges against my boss for him not doing anything about it.

If you guys were in my situation, do you think it would be better to confront this person and tell her how you feel or, not wanting to give this person the satisfaction of knowing how badly she makes you feel because you already know SHE KNOWS that she's been making you feel bad or try to "ignore her and her tirades"?

I think I am going to try to ignore her and keep saying no, when i feel that no is right. I'm pretty sure she already knows that she makes me feel bad.

But doesnt she create a hostile and abusive work environment. Im pretty sure thats grounds for filing a complaint. She doesnt need to be your boss.

[lisamc1RN, LPN]

This sounds like one of the ladies that goes to my church! :chuckle She loves being in control, and even though she has absolutely no authority, she has intimidated almost everyone at one time or another, including me. Here's what I've decided to do... First, I make a decision that I am NOT going to fight with her. Second, I am going to pick my battles. (Yeah, I know I just said I'm not going to fight with her, but I just mean that I'm not going to get into a yelling match or a power struggle). There are some things that I could care less about. If she wants it done a certain way, okay with me! Third, since she has absolutely NO authority over me and the choices I make, when I do choose to take on an issue, I let her know that I have heard her but that I will talk to the superintendent or the elders about my choices, but otherwise, I'll stick to what I'm doing. She certainly does not like this and has let me know this on several occasions. However, I have noticed her approach to me has changed over the last several months. I'm not sure that I can say that she has come to respect me, but I think that she knows that she can't bully me either. To sum this up:

1. pick your battles

2. remember that she has no power over you that you don't give to her.

3. be firm, be unaffected by her tantrums

4. take it to the manager if you need to, but let her know that you are not submitting to her whim.

I know this is hard to do, believe me. But if you want to continue to work there then you need to set your own boundaries and not let her cross them. Most of the times that means choosing how YOU will react to her. She may never change, so you need to figure out how you are going to deal with her. Good luck! :)

[HarryPotter]

You don't have to be a victim.

I choose that part for years, and finally came to grips with what I was getting out of it...here are a few of the things that I found out about myself.

I got to blame others for what happened or not.

I got to get out of being responsible for what happened and how I was treated. I got to be lazy.

I got to feel superior than those "other people.

I got to feel "right" and got to make other people "wrong."

Once I was able to see what I was getting out of it, I was freed up to be another way. (and, believe me old ways die hard, but they do die).

No criticism intended, just responding to your statement that you need to get out of playing the victim role.

:balloons:

[RN92]

I thought that them two must have been arguing about her going out to a restaurant for two hours and charging him for it because she does this sort of thing all the time.

I dont know about the rest of you..but when I read this sentence, a few red flags went up. When does a female worker get to confront her male boss by hollering and screaming? What female worker takes 2hr lunches at a restaurant and charges her boss for it?

Anyway, the point is, Susanna, you're going to have to solve this one on your own. I have a feeling your boss is not going to help you - and going over his head may get you fired.

There is LIFE out there, you can find another job! You NEED to find another job.

[susanna]

You don't have to be a victim.

I choose that part for years, and finally came to grips with what I was getting out of it...here are a few of the things that I found out about myself.

I got to blame others for what happened or not.

I got to get out of being responsible for what happened and how I was treated. I got to be lazy.

I got to feel superior than those "other people.

I got to feel "right" and got to make other people "wrong."

Once I was able to see what I was getting out of it, I was freed up to be another way. (and, believe me old ways die hard, but they do die).

No criticism intended, just responding to your statement that you need to get out of playing the victim role.

:balloons:

No, no, I need criticism. That is what I came here for. I guess I'm not really "playing the part of the victim" as you say. When I said, "play", I guess I really didn't mean "play" as in act. I don't "act" like a victim at work at all and I'm not getting anything out of feeling like this, I don't feel superior or "right" at all, I just feel down and boxed in in a way that I want to get out of. I'm quite willing to see things in another way that is constructive and that does not involve making me into some kind of tyrannical monster who only defends herself and pushes everyone else out of the way.

I'm just afraid you might be saying that I am to blame for all this and that I get whatever bullying that I deserve.