I saw this on another website and thought it was soo funny.
New Psychiatric Hotline
Callers are prompted as follows: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 over and over again
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace you call
If you are schizophrenic, listen to your voices and they will tell you which number to press
If you are depressed, it doesnt matter what number you choose. No one will answer anyway
If you are delusional, please be aware that that thing your holding on your ear is alive and is about to bite your ear off
If you are ambivilent, please hang up and call back in a few minutes
If you are comatose, stuporous or obtunded, press the numbers 9 to 1 backwards. Wait for the beep and leave a message
If you would like to speak to a Doctor, please be aware that your policy requires a second opinion and a 30 day waiting period before you qualify for these services which has been diagnosed "non-essential"