I am a real mess and need some help. I was accepted into an ADN program in Texas to start in a few weeks. My current husband and I have been having lots of arguments and he told me he definitely wants a divorce FOR SURE! I have this week to decide what I am going to do and make plans. I have two children that live with me ages 12 and 9.
This is complex. Please don't be too judgmental. My youngest child who is 6 lives with his dad in Missouri. I allowed that to happen during our divorce because my ex wanted to be there in Missouri near his family. I see my youngest child often, but that has been very, very hard on me, and probably a stressor in my current marriage.
I'm not a bad person.. I have just made some bad choices. So now I am asking you to help me. I can either take this golden ticket of nursing school and move my two children up to Sherman Texas where the school is and go for two years. Or I can move to Missouri (my ex has said I could live with him for free and he would help me go to school), but there is no guarantee that I will get into that school in Missouri. It is a big "IF". I am 38 years old and my science pre-reqs expire in 2009. Is the right thing to go and be with my son in Missouri and just roll the dice to see if I get in? If I move to Sherman Texas and go to school there I will have $2000 a month help to live on (car payment $500, rent maybe $600?)
Somebody please help me because I am a mess right now. I want to do the right thing for all of my children.
I have to say that too many changes at once aren't good for you. You would be trying to adapt to a whole new town, environment, etc. your kids would be starting new schools also, so they will come to you with their problems--which kids should--but it can add to your stress level. You would have to find daycare--people you probably don't know, right?
however, by offering you to move in with him, is your ex trying to get you back? Or would it be difficult for you to be living there if he had other women coming and going? What if you moved in with him temporarily, then branched out on your own? Do you know people near him that could help you find another palce to live in a relatively short amount of time? I personally wouldn't want to be obligated to him in any way.
I guess I'm not saying anything to make your decision easier, but just some points to consider. thanks and good luck!
Wow, divorce, single-parenting, working and adding a move and nursing school on top of it? That's a recipe for disaster. My thoughts - deal with the divorce & move to reunite your children & spend time with them. The changes are traumatic to them, as I'm sure you already know. Let this semester/year be about getting into a stable situation and & helping your children feel secure. Start investigating nursing schools in Missouri & prepare to start in a year. As for living with your ex, well, be careful. Think long & hard on the subject. Definitely focus on your children, you'll never regret it!
You think that going to Texas and living 100s of miles away is equivalent to putting one's own mask on before assisting one's child? I hardly agree. Nursing School is not a life or death necessity.
Nursing school, per se, is not a "life or death necessity." Being healthy enough - physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and mentally - to care for yourself and your children is.
A lot of us are led to believe we must put our lives on hold for our children. To a great extent, this is true. However, if we don't take care of our own needs we are no good to anyone - especially our children. That is the point I am trying to make. Finding this balance is a personal decision and not one you and I can make for each other, or for the OP.
Being a single parent carries with it a tremendous amount of baggage, as does leaving your children with another parent, or grandparent to raise - if only for the short term. I was a single parent for 15 years and it was hard. Extremely hard. At the begiinning of those 15 years, I tried to go to nursing school. I couldn't keep us fed and go to school at the same time. So, I quit and went to work at a lot of different menial jobs. As the years went by I finally got a job that paid decent enough money, I was able to buy us a home and settle down.
My children never had much. I didn't get child support. We bought clothes once a year before school started and they never had more than one pair of shoes at a time. We got by, though. I wonder, sometimes, what would have been different, if somebody could have helped us out those first couple of years and I was able to finish school and get my nursing degree. How much better would I have been able to provide for my family? I'll never know. A million things could have been better and a million things could have been worse.
I never got a chance to stop and put my mask on. I held my breath for 15 years and I see some of the damage it caused my family. I was always under so much stress trying to keep the roof over our heads, running back and forth to school meetings and meetings with the law - my boys were not easy to raise. You'd think I was a crack head, or something by the way they acted sometimes. (I'm not, by the way, and I've always maintained a pretty low key social life.) It was the stress. Stress was my crack. It nearly drowned me and I didn't even know I was in the water! So, no "nursing school" is not a life or death situation, but life is and if there is some way in hell to get that mask on before life knocks the wind out of you, it's got to be done, or everybody will go down with the ship.
Not sure if this was mentioned in any other post, but I'm assuming he's you 'ex' for a reason... How is your relationship with him now? What 'other' consequences of moving in with him would you need to consider? Plus, you have 2 pre-teen age children with you - teenage years are not always smooth. I wish you lots of luck in whichever choice you make. I would have a difficult time making a choice. :selfbonk:
Wow, I see this as a golden ticket to having your son in your life on a daily basis as opposed to the "golden ticket" to a spot in NS. you can always go to NS, even if it means having to repeat your sciences. Hopefully, with luck, you'll get into a program sooner than that, and given that you have your sciences out of the way, that's actually pretty good odds!! :)
I'm so sorry you're going through this time with your current husband. I'm assuming the 12 and 9 year old kiddos are your ex husband's as well? This is an opportunity to have your family back together again. It may not be all peaches and cream (I have to assume there were problems with husband #1 for there to have been the seperation to begin with), and you might find yourself looking for housing in Missouri as well. The good part is, you'll have your kiddo near you!
I'm certainly not judging you. I've made my share of mistakes as well, but in the end, I waited to go back to NS when my son went to kindergarten. It was well worth the wait, and I also had to repeat some classes. It worked out, I've graduated, and my son is going on 10. If I hadn't had his Dad in his life, the complications from trying to find sitters, etc, would have been near impossible since I don't have any other family in town. My son's Dad and I are divorced, but he is a major part of his life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm paying his Dad back now by staying put where I have no family. I could easily move across 4 states and be near my only living family (a brother and his wife and their two boys my son's age), but I'm staying because my ex allowed me the opportunity to reach my dream. I wouldn't dream of taking his son across the country now that I've done it.
Specializes in Emergency, ICU, OB, Hospice/Home Health.
Good points all around here. I am a single mom, and to be frank, I find everything is MUCH easier to do now than when I was in a dysfunctional marriage.
Yes, it is very important to take care of yourself and no, you do not have to scrap every dream you have for your children's sake. My kids need a mother, NOT a martyr. I grew up in a home where my mother stayed in a truly wretched marriage and stayed home for 18 years for my "benefit", and I hated it as much as they did. And I know some parents who, in their darkest hour, will admit that they do resent their children sometimes for this very reason.
Kids are young, they CAN adapt much easier than we give them credit for when given positive encouragement, and you know what? LIFE is all about change, sometimes not always good...when better to learn that than as a child with their parents serving as role models? I never want my girls to believe in "happily ever after" as kids, then hit the real world and just crumble, you know?
However...a parent's needs do have to be modified sometimes in the interest of having a stable family. You can still follow your dreams, but you must be flexible, creative, patient, and willing to accept the assistance of others.
The one thing that I always try to remember when deciding between kids and career is this....
Nursing is not going ANYWHERE, and it is EVERYWHERE. Those schools and jobs will still be there in a month, a year, a decade, and in every corner of the world.
But my kids will only be this age ONCE. That's it.
And you are replaceable at ANY job you will ever have, no matter how well you do it or how many sacrifices you make for it. After you leave a job or die, no one will remember your name after about 2 years.
Your family will take care of you forever, but only if you take care of them now.
Specializes in Emergency, ICU, OB, Hospice/Home Health.
Wow, I see this as a golden ticket to having your son in your life on a daily basis as opposed to the "golden ticket" to a spot in NS. you can always go to NS, even if it means having to repeat your sciences. Hopefully, with luck, you'll get into a program sooner than that, and given that you have your sciences out of the way, that's actually pretty good odds!! :)
I'm so sorry you're going through this time with your current husband. I'm assuming the 12 and 9 year old kiddos are your ex husband's as well? This is an opportunity to have your family back together again. It may not be all peaches and cream (I have to assume there were problems with husband #1 for there to have been the seperation to begin with), and you might find yourself looking for housing in Missouri as well. The good part is, you'll have your kiddo near you!
I'm certainly not judging you. I've made my share of mistakes as well, but in the end, I waited to go back to NS when my son went to kindergarten. It was well worth the wait, and I also had to repeat some classes. It worked out, I've graduated, and my son is going on 10. If I hadn't had his Dad in his life, the complications from trying to find sitters, etc, would have been near impossible since I don't have any other family in town. My son's Dad and I are divorced, but he is a major part of his life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm paying his Dad back now by staying put where I have no family. I could easily move across 4 states and be near my only living family (a brother and his wife and their two boys my son's age), but I'm staying because my ex allowed me the opportunity to reach my dream. I wouldn't dream of taking his son across the country now that I've done it.
Good for you!! So many people assume that you HAVE to hate the ex. Pats on the back for you AND him for being grown-ups.
Specializes in Infection Preventionist/ Occ Health.
I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I think that nursing school is hard enough without social support. If your ex-husband is offering to help you out, then I would take advantage of that opportunity. Even if it takes a bit longer to get into a nursing program in Missouri, you will be more prepared and most likely in a better state of mind. Good luck to you and I hope that things work out.
Ok, everybody's full of "wisdom" here's my 2¢. Go where there is help. Even if you don't get into nursing school right away (waiting lists) you will get in soon enough. I know, I know, we all love our kids, we are all (almost all) divorced single moms, we are all struggling with what is the "best" of a bad situation. Girl, YOU NEED HELP! Go to where help is and then slowly shed all your other problems. Nursing isn't going anywhere even if you have to re-take some prereq's. Put the band-aid's where you can and move on! Good luck and let us know when you pass the boards! :biere:
luvbug
170 Posts
I have to say that too many changes at once aren't good for you. You would be trying to adapt to a whole new town, environment, etc. your kids would be starting new schools also, so they will come to you with their problems--which kids should--but it can add to your stress level. You would have to find daycare--people you probably don't know, right?
however, by offering you to move in with him, is your ex trying to get you back? Or would it be difficult for you to be living there if he had other women coming and going? What if you moved in with him temporarily, then branched out on your own? Do you know people near him that could help you find another palce to live in a relatively short amount of time? I personally wouldn't want to be obligated to him in any way.
I guess I'm not saying anything to make your decision easier, but just some points to consider. thanks and good luck!