I am a real mess and need some help. I was accepted into an ADN program in Texas to start in a few weeks. My current husband and I have been having lots of arguments and he told me he definitely wants a divorce FOR SURE! I have this week to decide what I am going to do and make plans. I have two children that live with me ages 12 and 9.
This is complex. Please don't be too judgmental. My youngest child who is 6 lives with his dad in Missouri. I allowed that to happen during our divorce because my ex wanted to be there in Missouri near his family. I see my youngest child often, but that has been very, very hard on me, and probably a stressor in my current marriage.
I'm not a bad person.. I have just made some bad choices. So now I am asking you to help me. I can either take this golden ticket of nursing school and move my two children up to Sherman Texas where the school is and go for two years. Or I can move to Missouri (my ex has said I could live with him for free and he would help me go to school), but there is no guarantee that I will get into that school in Missouri. It is a big "IF". I am 38 years old and my science pre-reqs expire in 2009. Is the right thing to go and be with my son in Missouri and just roll the dice to see if I get in? If I move to Sherman Texas and go to school there I will have $2000 a month help to live on (car payment $500, rent maybe $600?)
Somebody please help me because I am a mess right now. I want to do the right thing for all of my children.
Specializes in Jill of all trades, master of none?.
I was in a similar situation many years ago, but not with nursing school being in the equation. I did not go. I should have. It would have kept my children together, and kept them both with me. If I were you, I would take advantage of your ex's offer, and keep your kids together. If you've been accepted in Texas, it is only a matter of time until you are accepted there. In the meantime, you could work or take some extra beneficial classes. It'll all work itself out, really!
Keep your head on girl. You need to sit down and think about this. Why aren't you with your son's Dad? Moving in with him, and being surrounded by this man's family may not be in your best interest. Nursing school is HARD, you don't need drama. If it were me, I might consider moving TO Missouri and renting there, but not living with this man. More likely, I would get my degree and be financially independant, then arrange visitation (perhaps for the whole summer?) with the little one. Also, you need to think about your 9 and 12 year old- are all their friends in TX? I would not uproot them. You can make it through a 2 year ADN easy on loans, and when you are done- you will have no problem paying them off. But good lord woman, drop the $500 car payment until you graduate. What are you driving, a Jaguar?
I really think the kids should always come first. You need to be with them, but if you must go to Texas this is waht I would do. Dump the car. You don't need a car payment. Yeah, I know it's a reallt nice car and we all need a really nice car, but the payment is a big burden. By a cheap car, a beater, spend maybe $2500 on a used Honda, Ford Taurus. It's a means of transportation, not a status symbol. Second, lower your expectations on a place to live. Get a roommate, find a mother-in-law apartment, a dorm, something. Cut your living expenses. Cut coupons, buy several papers and use the coupons to cut your expenses. There are two sides to an expense sheet. The income and the outgo. If you cut the outgo, it's like a raise. Set yourself up on a budget. Strict budget. Every penny has a name. It's called a very based budget. You spend every penny on paper before you spend a dime for real. Forget credit cards. They will be a trap for you to over spend. Consumers spend 18% more on a purchase when they use a credit card than they do with cash, because there is no emotion letting go of the card like there is with cash.
many of our men and women in service have children, if a child knows he is loved by both parents it will go a long way
my son's dtr lives 2,000 miles away with her mother and she came home by plane for summer and winter/spring vacations. they talked on the phone and on the computer
you don't know what the next two years will bring if you live with your childs father..if he remarries will his wife look at you as a welcome roommate
there subsidized housing for students and low income people in texas
how much longer will you be paying on this car, if need be you could sell it and buy a dependable cheaper car
your son and your other children will need you the rest of their lives and the older they get the higher their expenses will be...your heart can break when they can not have the basics of life..right now is the time when you have to plan for the rest of your lives and for the welfare of all your children
Hi, I don't know where in Missouri you might move to but you mentioned central Missouri so maybe you could attend State Fair Comm. College in Sedalia, they have a 1 + 1 program... Go one year and you have your requirements for LPN, complete the next year then or later and you have what is required to test for your RN, This is just a thought.....
Staying with the ex? This is treading on old, hard, cold ground eh? All joking aside...this post is intended with no judgement. Just a mom speaking to another mom. I'd move closer to your son and find a program in the area. Even if you have to wait a semester or two. I'm sure your son would love to have you closer and I'm sure there are many good nursing schools in Missouri. If you've already been approved for one program, you won't have that difficult of a time finding another. As far as the ex is concerned...only you know what when on between the two of you and only you can make that decision.
Hi. Children are very impressionable and the younger they are the more we feel guilty about the choices we make. On one hand, yes, it would be wonderful for both you AND your son if you were geographically closer, but on the OTHER hand enabling yourself to attend nursing school now is also a life decision. Don't know what kind of an emotional relationship you have with your ex, but could it possible that you being around him might add additional stress on both you and your son at this time? Don't forget that you will be making a better future for all involved (for you and all your children in the long run) and I think that that's what parenting is all about - planning for the future. Sure, we make mistakes as there is no "perfect" parent but we do the best we can. In my opinion, if you have a sure thing verses a possibility seems to be a no brainer. Try to figure out a way to be able to visit your child in Missouri as much as possible over the next two years. As soon as you receive your degree, the sky's the limit. You'll feel good about your accomplishment and your son will be proud of you at a later date that you did it for him. Good luck
Hi. Children are very impressionable and the younger they are the more we feel guilty about the choices we make. On one hand, yes, it would be wonderful for both you AND your son if you were geographically closer, but on the OTHER hand enabling yourself to attend nursing school now is also a life decision. Don't know what kind of an emotional relationship you have with your ex, but could it possible that you being around him might add additional stress on both you and your son at this time? Don't forget that you will be making a better future for all involved (for you and all your children in the long run) and I think that that's what parenting is all about - planning for the future. Sure, we make mistakes as there is no "perfect" parent but we do the best we can. In my opinion, if you have a sure thing verses a possibility seems to be a no brainer. Try to figure out a way to be able to visit your child in Missouri as much as possible over the next two years. As soon as you receive your degree, the sky's the limit. You'll feel good about your accomplishment and your son will be proud of you at a later date that you did it for him. Good luck
I suggest finding a good therapist; go once or twice and get all this off your chest in a non-judgemental, non-threatening setting. My instinct says you already know what you want to do; since no one here knows you or your kids what we say or think doesn't really matter. You have to provide for yourself and your kids.
When anyone says 'their head is a mess' it really means they've chosen to allow chaos into their life as a distraction. get rid of the chaos.
Thank you all for your advice. My head is so unclear right now. I would be getting $2000 a month for child support, I could possibly make $1000 part-time doing transcription. So would $3000 even be enough to live on with $600 rent, $500 car payment? Maybe Missouri is the best move. I would have all my kids together, but I just don't know if I want to end up in Missouri for the rest of my life, especially if I could never get into a school. I just don't know. I love my son more than anything, I just don't know if I would be happy. My older kids would adjust to whatever situation I believe. I have talked to them about it and I really think they could go either way.
I live in MO, as I am the same age as you. I also raise two teens alone. Cost of living in Southwest MO is cheaper than TX (depending on where you live). Regardless of where you live, raising children alone, working full-time, and going to school (for anything) is not easy. Here is the thing... although it might seem like you have the 'golden' opportunity to go to nursing school now, all that glitters might not be gold... you may gain entrance into a nursing program on one hand, and loose precious time with your children on the other. Nursing in and of itself is indeed a profession in which you will find jobs, however almost every nurse I know (regardless of gender) wishes they had more family time (nursing shifts can be grueling). Nursing school leaves little time for a personal life; nursing career leaves little time for a personal life. Children grow fast, before you know it they'll be leaving home. My best advice: be with all of your children if possible, you have one shot with them. Missing is not an option. Nursing will always be around.
Wow, my heart goes out to you! What a tough decision.
While I have been lucky to have my 13 year old son with me after the divorce, I cannot imagine what you have gone through. However, I know I could not live in the same house as my ex, no matter what. I didn't start nursing school until after I remarried, and it was still a huge struggle with the studying, care plans, etc. Plus, even though your older children will *adjust*, they are at critical points in their lives too, and uprooting them might be harder than all of you think.
I guess it depends on whether you can really trust your ex to do what he says he will do and whether he will be truly supportive of what you are doing. I hope that whatever your decision, it is the best for all concerned, and this will be my prayer for you.
I think my ex would have expectations about getting back together. And I doubt very seriously it would work living in the same house because I already sense his moodiness and aloofness with my indecisiveness about this. He is making me feel guilty that I am picking school over my son, but he is the one that wants to live in Missouri in the middle of nowhere. His family is over two hours a way. Let me tell you this. If I got my own apartment in Missouri, there is NO way I could attend that school there. $350-400 a credit hour as opposed to $47 credit hour here in Texas. Fact is, I could go live in Missouri and be near my son and never go to nursing school, or I could hurry and get my nursing degree here and then have the financial freedom to do whatever. I made $18 an hour as a transcriptionist here in Dallas. Transcriptionists there in MO make $9. If I am not living with my ex, I would not be able to survive and I would not be able to afford nursing school there on my own. that is what makes this all the harder. I just dont' want to live with my ex, but my heart aches so badly for my son and yes, I agree with everyone who says that I would be missing years of his life. This is so hard.
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All joking aside...this post is intended with no judgement. Just a mom speaking to another mom. I'd move closer to your son and find a program in the area. Even if you have to wait a semester or two. I'm sure your son would love to have you closer and I'm sure there are many good nursing schools in Missouri. If you've already been approved for one program, you won't have that difficult of a time finding another. As far as the ex is concerned...only you know what when on between the two of you and only you can make that decision.
RaElrA
59 Posts
I was in a similar situation many years ago, but not with nursing school being in the equation. I did not go. I should have. It would have kept my children together, and kept them both with me. If I were you, I would take advantage of your ex's offer, and keep your kids together. If you've been accepted in Texas, it is only a matter of time until you are accepted there. In the meantime, you could work or take some extra beneficial classes. It'll all work itself out, really!