My husband is in nursing school

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My husband is in his 2nd quarter of nursing school and the first quarter went great! I supported him emotionally, helped him with some of his online class work, and took care of all house related things. We had a great plan and we both stayed focused. Now that has changed this quarter he does 8 hr study groups and goes to the bar with those same group of people. I haven't been introduced or invited to go out to the bar with them. Is this normal for nursing students? Should I be worried and how do I continue to help and be supportive during the next 20 months?

Specializes in hospice.
He's the boss of our relationship so there's unfortunately there's no "telling" him to do anything,

Um....what year is it again?

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Specializes in Med Surg.
Thanks HouTX does it matter that a couple others in the group also have spouses and children? They seem to be doing it too and their spouses are okay with it. I don't want to be the "party pooper". I know that divorce is high among nurses so I don't want to cause problems so soon into this.

"Party Pooper"? Please hon, you have the same right to be included in your spouse's extracurricular activities as anyone at anytime! Truly supportive spouses who are not envious of the time and attention spent away from the home and family is RARE! Being PRESENT, and understanding the demands of nursing school without being resentful, makes you the kind of spouse that will be able to help him deal with all of enevitable ups and downs that are in his future. Keep up the good work! My hats off to you!

BUT (and there is always a BUT involved in Nursing, yes pun intended) you are a person with emotional needs as well. Strong relationships are built on the foundation of MUTUAL respect. He should respect your need to have some fun and to share in the festivities. After all his availability is probably limited at best and time spent with his peers in a social setting can make a huge difference for all involved. Jealousy of peers and study time is a real struggle for many people. I was witness to several very unfortunate breakups of couples during school because they were unprepared for the stress and time commitment a nursing program brings.

Be honest with your spouse! Be open about your sincere desire to get to know the folks he is in the trenches with. Perhaps suggest having or hosting a family event for his group (bowling, afternoon picnic, backyard bbq, study groups at your home?)

Whatever you decide remember you have rights and needs. Just because he is a Nursing Student, does not give him the right to abdicate his responsibility to you. He is still your spouse and should make you a priority daily!

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Newly married new male nursing student here. Light socializing without the spouse seems fine. 8 hour study group seems a little excessive to me. My wife is supportive as anything but I have to remind her sometimes that I need my time for studying and such. I do however make sure. To put in my time with her between work and school. It takes two. Spouse needs to accommodate the fact that school is like a full time job. But have to keep your marriage a priority too.

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I guess I'm the odd man out in not seeing a problem with making friends and decompressing with them sometimes. Are married people suddenly not allowed to have their own friends now?

Is this an everyday thing, once a week, or occasional?

Being irrationally possessive won't be good for your marriage either. The frequency, amount he's spending, and how intoxicated he gets will help determine whether you are overreacting or not. Also, whether he's open about it or tries to hide it.

Just one time. The girls from class wanted to buy him a couple of drinks to celebrate that they finished their exam after the 8 hr study session the day before. They went out for 5 hrs which is a little much. He's an intense person so everything is done big! They did all act like it was their first time drinking and it was a frat party. Came home drunk, the whole bit. He's a really good man this is just how it is with the pressure of nursing school I think. Did you all do similar things?

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Specializes in Pediatrics Retired.
Um....what year is it again?
Ah, the good ole days!! "Love, honor, obey...." ;)
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Specializes in Emergency Room, Trauma ICU.

My study group in nursing school would go out for drinks after studying. Half were married, half weren't. None of their spouses came and none thought it was inappropriate. It's just schoolmates decompressing. If you can't trust your husband, it has nothing to do with nursing school.

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Specializes in NICU.
Just one time. The girls from class wanted to buy him a couple of drinks to celebrate that they finished their exam after the 8 hr study session the day before. They went out for 5 hrs which is a little much.

So.... This was only once? and after a big exam? What is the main core of the issue with this? Are you mad that you are doing extra around the house while he goes out drinking or is it the fact that his female classmates are buying him drinks?

If this is an isolated issue after a big exam then there is nothing to worry about. Nursing school is intense and the only people that truly understand what you are going through is the people "in the trenches" with you.

As for the 8 hr study sessions: Some people need to study in groups because they want to make sure they understand the topics. I was an individual studier. I needed to get into my own world to study.

You might try to have a get together with his classmates that are married during a break. That way you can meet the spouses (and classmates) and maybe establish your own support group.

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Thanks everyone for your input! It sounds to me like there is no "norm" for how a nursing student will manage their relationships. It's all over the board. I hope I can keep being supportive and not drive him crazy. Should have investigated these things before he went. Had no idea what I was getting myself into!

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So.... This was only once? and after a big exam? What is the main core of the issue with this? Are you mad that you are doing extra around the house while he goes out drinking or is it the fact that his female classmates are buying him drinks?

If this is an isolated issue after a big exam then there is nothing to worry about. Nursing school is intense and the only people that truly understand what you are going through is the people "in the trenches" with you.

As for the 8 hr study sessions: Some people need to study in groups because they want to make sure they understand the topics. I was an individual studier. I needed to get into my own world to study.

You might try to have a get together with his classmates that are married during a break. That way you can meet the spouses (and classmates) and maybe establish your own support group.

That's a good idea to meet some new people too that are in my situation. We have had the same friends for so long that it was a shock and felt out of the blue for his typical behavior. I'm playing catch up because I had no idea he was friends with anyone. He was pretty grumpy the first quarter and didn't want to talk much about school with me. I'm just now learning about the cohorts and how you have to rely on other students to get through it. I was unprepared because the first quarter was nothing like this. I'm not condemning him, but I thought I should educate myself so I'm more prepared for the next 20 months.

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No this is not normal.... at least not in my marriage.

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Specializes in NICU.

I was in an accelerated 15 month BSN program. We, except for one, were a tight group. We often called it our "dysfunctional" family. Just like a true family, the brothers and sisters bicker occasionally, but when it comes down to it we had each others back when it came to assignments and test prep. Older students mixed with traditional students may be a different situation.

I think that you need to meet and become friends with other spouses. That will keep your worries in check. If they are having similar experiences then that will put your mind at ease, plus you may find out information that your husband is keeping to himself, such as how intense a test was. So if he needs to spend time with his classmates, you will know that he is decompressing from a big test/ assignment.

If there are no issues with your relationship, then cut him some slack. This is one of the most stressful times in his life and he needs to find a way to make it through it. If it becomes excessive, then have a talk with him about modifications. My best advice is to schedule "date" nights for just the two of you and no talk about school, just strengthen your relationship. We have a tendency to get tunnel vision and focus entirely on school and forget that there is another "cheerleader" at home that wants to help and needs some acknowledgement of their part in getting us through school.

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Specializes in ICU.

I would be concerned. We did have quite a few divorces during our tenure, but those marriages probably weren't that strong to begin with. Most of my classmates went to their jobs or home after class. I don't remember any of us going out to a bar or anything like that. I guess it really just depends on whether your husband is a drinker or not. If he is a problem drinker, he probably doesn't need to be drinking while in nursing school. If he is just hanging out with classmates, that should be OK unless it becomes a weekly thing and he continues to exclude you.

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