My husband is in nursing school

raisincookie · Oct 28, 2014

I often spent the whole day studying at school, this often included married friends (we were a mix older and younger students), I didn't meet anybodies spouse, kids or friends except during graduation. I kept my life and school separate and I assume my married friends did the same because we used each other as support systems, nursing school was rough and the last thing I wanted to do was come home and have to explain everything to my parents/siblings/ friends, who never seemed to understand what I was going through. Actually I lost a good friend because she couldn't understand why I spent so much time in school, "nursing is not that hard" (this was somebody who thought their medical assistant program was impossible and ended up switching) and I blew up on her.

Nursing school is hard, give your husband a break, (unless he does the bar thing on more than weekly basis, that's a different story).

akulahawkRN, ADN, RN, EMT-P · Oct 28, 2014

While that behavior is not entirely normal, it's not out of the realm of abnormal either. Long study sessions aren't unusual before big exams. Going to a bar after an exam isn't horribly abnormal either. I've gone out to a bar with some of my classmates after an exam to kind of "decompress" and talk amongst ourselves about the exam. That being said, we didn't usually stay more than a couple hours and none of us got hammered. It's generally considered bad form to get a DUI during school...

There were just simply some things that could only be shared among other students as few outside that group truly know the challenges that are faced by that group. My wife and kid never got to meet my classmates until I graduated. My classmates were very much my 2nd family while I was in school and I do keep in touch with many of them.

My wife did very much step up and do many of the things that I used to do before I started Nursing School, but there were things that I still needed to do. It's good that you're supporting your husband's desire to go to nursing school, but also try to keep him grounded in the reality of life at home. I must also caution you in that as he goes through the stresses and challenges of school, he will not only learn about himself, he will also inevitably change some things about him. He will be the same, yet different, person from who he was when he started.

I wish you the best, this is a journey that you both are truly on...

Rbeck911, BSN, RN · Oct 28, 2014

We had a similar situation in my nursing class. And yes, it was very awkward when going out as a group the girls boyfriend tagged a long. We were nice and tried to include him, but nursing school is such an emotional roller coaster and you or he has no clue what a student is going through. Having said that, my wife and I did nursing school together, so it was different. However, had I been doing it alone I would have not been so eager to go out. It sounds like you are doing a great job in supporting him through this tough process. The study groups are definitely understandable, but if the going out bothers you, talk to him about it. As hard as it is, he needs to balance school and family. Good luck :)

Wrench Party · Oct 28, 2014

Professional students are known to drink like fish, especially the younger ones. And I rarely met anyone's spouse or children,

except at events like end of year celebrations and graduation.

I'm honestly more concerned with the 8 hr study groups. I wonder how effectively they're using their time, because I was never

in a group for more than a few hours. It was impossible to coordinate longer than 3-4 hours due to my classmates' work and family

schedules. Most were married and worked at least part time with children.

Rbeck911, BSN, RN · Oct 28, 2014

I just had a thought. While we were in school, one our our study buddies would have study sessions at her house and her husband would make some food and non alcoholic drinks. That was an awesome way for him to integrate himself casually into our student lives and we definitely appreciated it. Something stuck out that you said before: "The girls wanted to by him a drink". The only way you could know that is if he told you that, and I as a husband definitely would not have put it that way to my wife. Is he trying to make you jealous???

NutmeggeRN, BSN · Oct 28, 2014

He's the boss of our relationship so there's unfortunately there's no "telling" him to do anything, but yes I agree that it is very distracting. I'm just wondering what the motivation is. If it is truly helping him I DO NOT want to keep him from being successful. I don't want to be another unsupportive spouse that all the nurses talk about on these treads because I really do feel for you guys.

Really???????? Nobody is the boss of me.

Rob72, ASN, RN · Oct 28, 2014

Hmm. I did an on-line program, with 5 lovely, charming ladies. I was also the oldest (36). 3 of us had spouses and kids, the other 3 were engaged, and all of us worked full time, in addition to school. Definitely friends, but I think all of us would have found 8 hours in a group a questionable investment of time. So. Overall, it's a maturity issue. I don't know how old the two of you are, but I hope you married with a common-commitment in mind (having raised 3 daughters, I will say being "in loooove" as a reason for marriage is iffy, at best). My wife didn't like my being in school, and we did have conflicts, and if I didn't have the character to deal with that as appropriately as I could, that was certainly not an issue with her. It will definitely be a reality check, and while it may be hard, that's not always a bad thing.

God bless you both. :cat:

graphicdesigner22 · Oct 28, 2014

I just had a thought. While we were in school, one our our study buddies would have study sessions at her house and her husband would make some food and non alcoholic drinks. That was an awesome way for him to integrate himself casually into our student lives and we definitely appreciated it. Something stuck out that you said before: "The girls wanted to by him a drink". The only way you could know that is if he told you that, and I as a husband definitely would not have put it that way to my wife. Is he trying to make you jealous???

I would like to host a study session at our house, but first of all one of the girls has it at her house already because it's a nice newer house and big enough for everyone to be comfortable. It sounds like her husband is very wealthy from the way my husband talks. Second, We have a starter house with projects all over the house (drywall, paint cans, tub in the kitchen). My husband has no interest in hosting a study session because of the state of the house. I'm fine with it now since they all seem to like going over there, but it's a 50 minute drive there so that surprises me he would even consider it.

He wasn't going to offer up the fact the ladies bought him drinks, but I questioned how much he spend because he was there for 5 hours so I was anticipating a huge tab.

graphicdesigner22 · Oct 28, 2014

Professional students are known to drink like fish, especially the younger ones. And I rarely met anyone's spouse or children,
except at events like end of year celebrations and graduation.
I'm honestly more concerned with the 8 hr study groups. I wonder how effectively they're using their time, because I was never
in a group for more than a few hours. It was impossible to coordinate longer than 3-4 hours due to my classmates' work and family
schedules. Most were married and worked at least part time with children.

I wondered that too. I asked him if they were just hanging out and talking most of the time and he says they aren't so I believe him. I'm not being selfish, but I could use his help and if he has time to casually socialize and casually drink then I would prefer to put his effort into our lives when he can. I'm equally busy and with him in school there is no option of a cleaning lady. Does it get easier being married to a nurse once they are done with school?!?

akulahawkRN, ADN, RN, EMT-P · Oct 28, 2014

He's the boss of our relationship so there's unfortunately there's no "telling" him to do anything, but yes I agree that it is very distracting. I'm just wondering what the motivation is. If it is truly helping him I DO NOT want to keep him from being successful. I don't want to be another unsupportive spouse that all the nurses talk about on these treads because I really do feel for you guys.

Really???????? Nobody is the boss of me.

I noticed that as well. OP: There's someone being the boss of the relationship and someone beingconsidered a partner in the relationship. While things seem OK now, the danger is that the former type of relationship can evolve into an abusive relationship. Notice that I kept sex/gender roles out of that? Yep. When we think of the men being the abuser, it can very often be women that abuse their partners... and it's nearly as common. I'm not saying that you're in an abusive relationship, just that you should be careful that your relationship doesn't become abusive.

Rbeck911, BSN, RN · Oct 28, 2014

Sounds like a wedge being driven there. Try to get ahead of it. There are two sides to every story, but based on what I am hearing it sounds like he needs to make you more of a priority. From a guys perspective, I know what he is thinking. I can't say I would be much different, but knowing what the right thing is and doing the right thing are clouded. Just keep doing what your doing, because he will appreciate it. And honestly, if he doesn't, then he is a jack ass.

graphicdesigner22 · Oct 28, 2014

Sounds like a wedge being driven there. Try to get ahead of it. There are two sides to every story, but based on what I am hearing it sounds like he needs to make you more of a priority. From a guys perspective, I know what he is thinking. I can't say I would be much different, but knowing what the right thing is and doing the right thing are clouded. Just keep doing what your doing, because he will appreciate it. And honestly, if he doesn't, then he is a jack ass.

Thanks Rbeck911! I think he is having a jack ass moment for sure. I used everyone's suggestions to talk it through and while he is willing to have me meet other students at some point when it's appropriate (I'm happy that I can put faces with names eventually) it sounds like the celebrating will continue after each exam to blow off steam. While I'm not thrilled that there is no compromise to that decision he has made for himself I think I have enabled that by taking care of everything so in turn he has extra time to play. I think I'll add some more back on his plate for now and let him take care of himself for a while. It doesn't matter if you are a doctor, nurse, fast food manager or celebrity; you cant use anything (like school) as an excuse to have someone take care of you completely while you go out and play. We aren't twenty year old college students in a platonic relationship. There are boundaries.