My boyfriend gets upset when I have to study. Advice please!!!!

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Sorry if my post sounds loopy. I was diagnosed with a kidney stone today and I'm on meds. Fun fun!! :clown:

Thanks for any advice.

Specializes in SICU.

please be careful, the following came from a dear abby letter. the 15 signs of an abuser was part of her response. reading this helped my daughter to see her now ex-boyfriend in a new light.

1. pushes for quick involvement: comes on strong, claiming, "i've never felt loved like this by anyone." an abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. jealous: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. controlling: interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. unrealistic expectations: expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5. isolation: tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. blames others for problems and mistakes: it's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

7. makes others responsible for his or her feelings: the abuser says, "you make me angry," instead of, "i am angry," or says, "you're hurting me by not doing what i tell you."

8. hypersensitivity: is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

9. cruelty to animals or children: kills or punishes animals brutally. also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. "playful" use of force during sex: enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. verbal abuse: constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. this may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

12. rigid gender roles: expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

13. sudden mood swings: switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.

14. past battering: admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.

15. threats of violence: says things like, "i'll break your neck," or "i'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "everybody talks that way," or "i didn't really mean it."

www.dearabby.com

he doesn't need to have all 15 signs to be dangerous.

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Specializes in CDI Supervisor; Formerly NICU.

If you really want my advice, I'll give it to you.

Tell him to grow up or FO. He can play goo-goo eyes with you when you're a nurse.

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Think about your schooling and career before boys. There will be plenty of time for relationships after school is over. If he can't support you in your studying by finding something else to do and not making you feel guilty then he is no good for you. Your already having problems in your relationship while going to school what happens when you start working as a nurse with long hours is he going to show up at your work or is he going to make you feel guilty for wanting to sleep after working 12+ hours geez. I have a wonderful support system and he would never take away from my study time. Good Luck and remember think about yourself before him.

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PLEASE break up with him. My ex almost ruined school for me. I think one reason I failed my first test this semester is I had to deal with his BS the weeks prior to the test. He was calling me at 4am, 4 hours before my test, to yell at me about something. I failed. I dumped him. Moving on..

This if my equation

Nursing school/My Future > Everything Else

My family also goes hand in hand w/ my future but they love and support me enough to know that nursing school comes first.

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Are you in a potential long term relationship with someone that has different priorities than you? Someone that doesnt respect you enough to give you room when you ask for it? Someone that thinks his needs take priority over your needs? Someone that is very selfish? Are you with him because you have hopes of being with him forever and want to spend the rest of your life dealing with that?

I am a single guy and I cant tell you how many middle aged women I have gone out on dates with that are divorced or getting divorced after wasting a large part of their lives married to someone that was just like your boyfriend when they were dating. I dont understand why women dont realize that if a man treats you poorly when you are dating, he is going to continue doing it, probably even more so, after you get married.

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manda,

As a man, I hope I can offer you some good advice.

First of.... soooooooooooooooooooo sorry to hear about that Kidney Stone:crying2:... I had one a few years back and it was hellish.

Now on to the boyfriend... why can't I find a girl who will stand by me even when I am being totally selfish and illogical, lol. Honestly though, nursing is your priority and if this guy can not see it and respect that then maybe he is not right for you... at least at this point in your life. I don't know how he is in other areas but this seems like a really bad transgression on his part to not be totally respectful and supportive of what you are going through. Besides, I am a humble and squishy guy, so I understand hows it's cool to be sensitive, but this guy REALLY needs to find some other activitys to occupy his time because school is your life for now. He NEEDS to understand this and, i hate using this cliche but, he needs to stop being so clingy and let you do what you need to do.

Here is what I reccommend. You seem like you are an awesome girlfriend cause you haven't dumped him so far so that displays a good tolerance on your part but I think it's time for some tough love. I think you should just sit him down and lay it all out, without emotion. Just tell him; "look, i understand that you don't know how hard nursing school is but it is one of the hardest challanges for me and I need my alone time to study. I may not be able to hang out with you that often because studying is my priority. It doesn't make you any less to me it's just that my education demands this and unless I want to flunk out (and be in debt in case you have taken loans) I have no choice but to accept this." If he can not see this and let you do your thing then you should really let him go because, for now in your life, IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE. Honestly, he may be a great guy and you may have strong feelings but if he can not see this, then you two should go you seperate ways for now. Who knows what the future holds but nursing may not be in it if he keeps disrepecting your need to study.

Just remember to be honest and direct with him and remember that YOU ARE NOT WRONG OR CRUEL HERE. You are in the right, nursing school is simply more important now. He dosen't need to understand how hard it is (because he can't, right?), he just needs to respect your needs.

Hope this helps and let me know about those stones. Send me a pm.

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"He just got out of the army not too long ago. He was honorably discharged after threatening to kill himself."

-x-

Does that tell you something? X( Sorry.

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Specializes in Emergency Dept. Trauma. Pediatrics.
My boyfriend is not in school and he has a lot of freetime. When he is not at work he is usually in my neighborhood somewhere (I live on a golf course.) He makes me feel guilty because I need to be at home studying and he throws a pity party about it. I currently have a 3.7 gpa, and have made all A's thusfar in this semester..and I want to continue that route. He claims to be supportive of my studying but when he gets off work he complains about me not having all of my studying done since i've "had all day." :banghead: (Okay, I have other stuff to do during the day and I still require more studying time!) He wants to hang out everyday, and if I say I'm going to study he wants to come over and sit with me while I study. He turns on the TV, moves around a bunch... tries to study other materials in my library (while shifting/coughing/sneezing/etc.) I just cannot focus when he is around me. I feel guilty because he has nothing else to do while i'm studying.

Has anyone else dealt with this or have any clue what I should do? I need a polite way of saying I have to study and I can't do it with you here. He then proceeds to rant about how he tries to help me study and just generally makes me feel bad about it. Majority of the times I shrug it off, but it's hard to study knowing my boyfriend is somewhere feeling neglected/upset. Nursing definetly is my first priority... but I wish there was a way to help my boyfriend understand just how rigorous nursing school is.

Sorry if my post sounds loopy. I was diagnosed with a kidney stone today and I'm on meds. Fun fun!! :clown:

Thanks for any advice.

My husband was completely unsupportive through out my pre reqs, we have been married 9 years, together 11 and known each other for 13. We have 4 kids together. I know that if I had put my focus into my pre reqs I could have done a lot better but I was always stressed and could never study because my husband was mad I chose to go back to school and felt like when I was done with school I would just leave him so he wasn't going to help me get there.

This summer I left him and did a lot of sole searching. I sat on a waitlist for 3.5 years before starting nursing school and I was going to be damned if I let this man sabatoge that. I worked to hard to get to that point to have it all waisted on a jackass. So I left over the summer and in turn he did a lot of soul searching apparently. I came back at the end of summer and he has done a complete change, and I have started nursing school I am 5-6 weeks in (seems like years LOL) and I am doing better now then I ever did before. He still has his moments now and then but he has been 97% better.

Anyway, my point, I was not willing to let my husband of many years get in my way, I damn sure wouldn't let a boyfriend get in my way. You are not married to him and it doesn't sound like you have kids, if this is how he is now how will he be later when it gets harder? Walk away. Don't ever let anyone stand in the way of you and your goals!

I wish you the best of luck.

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Specializes in Emergency Dept. Trauma. Pediatrics.
Are you in a potential long term relationship with someone that has different priorities than you? Someone that doesnt respect you enough to give you room when you ask for it? Someone that thinks his needs take priority over your needs? Someone that is very selfish? Are you with him because you have hopes of being with him forever and want to spend the rest of your life dealing with that?

I am a single guy and I cant tell you how many middle aged women I have gone out on dates with that are divorced or getting divorced after wasting a large part of their lives married to someone that was just like your boyfriend when they were dating. I dont understand why women dont realize that if a man treats you poorly when you are dating, he is going to continue doing it, probably even more so, after you get married.

Because we are young and dumb and think we can fix them or that they will change, or we weren't shown good examples growing up LOL. I know I look back now and wonder why I ever stayed in unhealthy relationships, especially when I wasn't married nor had kids with the person so I had no ties to even try to work things out. LOL Then you get older and you realize the the "bad boys" aren't all they are cut out to be and the "nice guys" are! LOL

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I know what you mean. I am in nursing school and also work 40 hours. My boyfriend works 37.5 hours and teaches guitar 3-6 hours per week. I wake up early then I need to so we can have breakfast together and spend time together before work...he wakes me up at 4 am for other things and then again every night. He is overly affectionate and very demanding. He doesn't cook but will help vacuum. I work 10 hours and then get home and make a meal. No time to study or do housework. I'm exhausted. My work also moved me around so I have 32 hours to do what I was doing in 42 and now have 8 hours for a different position one day a week. When I talk about cutting my hours so I'll have more time to study, do housework etc he says I shouldn't because I can't really afford it. He doesn't realize how demanding he is being. He lives with me but will only help out occaissionally towards groceries. He has a house that is empty right now because he stays with me. He talks about possible renting or selling it and then helping me out but makes no attempts to do this except talk about it to me when I'm stressed. I am so stressed because he sulks if I turn him away. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do anymore. I also have to study for a test that will lesson my tuition by $ 7000 and also not need to take an extra 2 days off from work. He thinks his job is just as stressful if not more (which it isn't) and he thinks that I should just let it go and not bother me.

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Im just apply to nursing schools and my boyfreind is already making me feel guilty. He is worried I wont have anytime to spend with him. I can understand his feelings, but this is so important to me it made me feel really bad.

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Wow.. I'm not one to post. I'm more of a reader. I'm glad this time I did :typing ! It's great knowing all of you care! I read the article "Dear Abby, Signs of an Abuser" and my boyfriend did have a lot of those qualities. He's not as aggressive with it though..he's more submissive. Hard to explain. When/if I do break up with him I will definetly have a plan and I appreciate the encouragement from all of you. I know my studying comes first and I will not let anything jeopardize that.

Moreover, I'm really happy that my post generated responses from others in a similar situation as mine. We are not alone! Our field takes a lot of studying to master, and like the posters in this thread have stated.... if they can't deal with that then they don't deserve us! We should not feel guilty about learning to save lives. That's ridiculous and I'm really thankful for the posters who have helped me reinforce that in my mind.

This community further enhances my desire to become a nurse. We really are a caring group of people, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life doing this!

Thanks everyone!!! :)

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