My boyfriend gets upset when I have to study. Advice please!!!!

MandaTaye · Sep 24, 2009

I know what you mean. I am in nursing school and also work 40 hours. My boyfriend works 37.5 hours and teaches guitar 3-6 hours per week. I wake up early then I need to so we can have breakfast together and spend time together before work...he wakes me up at 4 am for other things and then again every night. He is overly affectionate and very demanding. He doesn't cook but will help vacuum. I work 10 hours and then get home and make a meal. No time to study or do housework. I'm exhausted. My work also moved me around so I have 32 hours to do what I was doing in 42 and now have 8 hours for a different position one day a week. When I talk about cutting my hours so I'll have more time to study, do housework etc he says I shouldn't because I can't really afford it. He doesn't realize how demanding he is being. He lives with me but will only help out occaissionally towards groceries. He has a house that is empty right now because he stays with me. He talks about possible renting or selling it and then helping me out but makes no attempts to do this except talk about it to me when I'm stressed. I am so stressed because he sulks if I turn him away. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do anymore. I also have to study for a test that will lesson my tuition by $ 7000 and also not need to take an extra 2 days off from work. He thinks his job is just as stressful if not more (which it isn't) and he thinks that I should just let it go and not bother me.

Sandy, keep your head up! I look up to you for being able to accomplish all that you have with all the responsibilities you have. You should be really proud of yourself. My boyfriend is overaffectionate as well and it tends to get annoying. We will be at dinner with my friends and he will want to hold hands. I'm like, "are you crazy..??" I mean no one else was holding hands. Ugh! I think our problem with the affection stems deeper though. If it were Brad Pitt & he was helping to foot your bills....you probably wouldnt' have a problem with him wanting to love up on you more. You're probably disgusted with how your boyfriend is treating you...and rightfully so! :up:

I hate for it to sound like you have to escape your house to do what you want to do...but perhaps you should do your studying at a library - free from him. And this house situation is crazy. Why don't you two live in that house so you don't have rent? He should help out more with groceries too. I think in this situation you're just going to have to put your foot down. Perhaps type up what you need changed so you know he gets the point without any interruption. I think he is definetly not putting his fair share in.

morningland · Sep 24, 2009

Why are some men such deadbeats and why are women tolerating them? No offense ladies but I just see this a lot and it makes me wonder that their must be something wrong with what I am doing cause so many girls are with guys that act this way. I was with a girl who was totally crazy and our relationship ended very quick cause I couldn't take it. As intellegent, caring women what makes you stay with mean like that? I ask that sincerely and non Judgementally.

Lovely_RN, MSN · Sep 24, 2009

OP and Sandy 252 read what you wrote but pretend that it was your best friend, sister, or mother that wrote the post. What advice would you give them?

Get married and reproduce with those guys and you are in for a world of aggravation and hurt.

People rarely change. You can stay with them if you want to but go in with eyes open and realize what it is that you're signing up for. It won't get any better, it will get worse if you marry and have children because they will feel that they "have you" then so they can let it all hang out.

My husband was a lazy slob when I meet him but before we married he used to make an effort to cover up his lazy ways and slovenly habits. After the ring went on and he felt comfortable he became lazier and sloppier than when we were dating.

I can manage him but it's a constant battle of me putting my foot down and pushing him. It's very tiring and truthfully I would rather NOT have to do it. I can't imagine dealing with a man who was selfish and oppresive. Nasty and lazy are bad enough thank you.

michaboo · Sep 24, 2009

I don't know about advice but I can relate. I had to call off an engagment because nursing school took up so much of my time! Im not complaining though- I'd rather be a nurse than to have a lame husband.

nursenow · Sep 24, 2009

Wow.. I'm not one to post. I'm more of a reader. I'm glad this time I did :typing ! It's great knowing all of you care! I read the article "Dear Abby, Signs of an Abuser" and my boyfriend did have a lot of those qualities. He's not as aggressive with it though..he's more submissive. Hard to explain. When/if I do break up with him I will definetly have a plan and I appreciate the encouragement from all of you. I know my studying comes first and I will not let anything jeopardize that.
Moreover, I'm really happy that my post generated responses from others in a similar situation as mine. We are not alone! Our field takes a lot of studying to master, and like the posters in this thread have stated.... if they can't deal with that then they don't deserve us! We should not feel guilty about learning to save lives. That's ridiculous and I'm really thankful for the posters who have helped me reinforce that in my mind.
This community further enhances my desire to become a nurse. We really are a caring group of people, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life doing this!
Thanks everyone!!! :)

"When/if I breakup with him?" I am not sure your original post was "to ask for advice". I think probably just blowing off steam, maybe looking for some sympathy. Thats OK. Sorry, but I already know your future and I know why you wont break up with him. Women that let men screw up their lives are a dime a dozen. So sad.

MandaTaye · Sep 24, 2009

"When/if I breakup with him?" I am not sure your original post was "to ask for advice". I think probably just blowing off steam, maybe looking for some sympathy. Thats OK. Sorry, but I already know your future and I know why you wont break up with him. Women that let men screw up their lives are a dime a dozen. So sad.

I was and still am looking for advice. Obviously if this was an easy choice for me I wouldn't have posted here. Some days are good, some days are bad. After I posted this and read the replies I had a discussion with my boyfriend. Since then he has laid off quite a bit and I've seen a different side of him. My intuition tells me that this is probably temporary, and my intelligence tells me that I should take it with a grain of salt. However, since I go to school online and work from home... it's harder for me to break the only tie I have with the outside world. I take care of my grandfather at home and I can't leave the house much. Anyways, really not out looking for sympathy at all. I consider myself very fortunate to have this problem and not something more serious as the other topics on this web site. In the grand scheme of things I know that this is very petty. Whether my relationship lasts or not isn't as important as the fact that there are many women out here trying to balance their education and their relationships.

However, you implying that you know my future is rather insulting. Thanks for your opinion though. I think my future looks pretty dang bright =)

nursenow · Sep 24, 2009

I was and still am looking for advice. Obviously if this was an easy choice for me I wouldn't have posted here. Some days are good, some days are bad. After I posted this and read the replies I had a discussion with my boyfriend. Since then he has laid off quite a bit and I've seen a different side of him. My intuition tells me that this is probably temporary, and my intelligence tells me that I should take it with a grain of salt. However, since I go to school online and work from home... it's harder for me to break the only tie I have with the outside world. I take care of my grandfather at home and I can't leave the house much. Anyways, really not out looking for sympathy at all. I consider myself very fortunate to have this problem and not something more serious as the other topics on this web site. In the grand scheme of things I know that this is very petty. Whether my relationship lasts or not isn't as important as the fact that there are many women out here trying to balance their education and their relationships.
However, you implying that you know my future is rather insulting. Thanks for your opinion though. I think my future looks pretty dang bright =)

Sorry; I dont know your future for sure. What I should have said is "I can take a pretty good guess as to what your future holds." I know, I am a real bas--d. I have learned everyone, including myself, has explanations for their decisions. Whats more important is the decision we make in the end. At this point in my life I have made my share of bad decisions and have learned that some the explanations I gave afterwards were really excuses.

Good luck with the online school and your Grand Dad. I have done both except it was my parents. It's not easy.

RNMarykay · Sep 24, 2009

I agree with those who say dump him, BUT you may not want to do that....so you could go the route of saying "Well, you may not like it now but you won't mind when I'm making 50grand..."LOL (I'd still dump him and surround yourself with people who are supportive of your goals)

morningland · Sep 24, 2009

I am really impressed how kind people are on these forums. When you go to most forums, especially youtube comments, people are just viscous... it's insane. Here, even when people are a little harsh in their directness, their is still an air of gentility in it. I knows it's off topic but I just wanted to state that, we should be humble yet proud of how cool people are in the nursing profession.

That Guy, BSN, RN, EMT-B · Sep 25, 2009

I am really impressed how kind people are on these forums. When you go to most forums, especially youtube comments, people are just viscous... it's insane. Here, even when people are a little harsh in their directness, their is still an air of gentility in it. I knows it's off topic but I just wanted to state that, we should be humble yet proud of how cool people are in the nursing profession.

Not me, gentle gets overrated at a certain point. When I was in her situation I wish I could have had people come and tell me to get out of the situation I was in because subtle and nice was not working. Sometimes you need people to be a jerk to you about it to kind of shake you down and make you think. Sometimes being, for lack of a better word, that guy or that girl can help.

MandaTaye · Sep 25, 2009

Yep. Today was a bad day. My mom hired him to do some work on one of her rental houses and she went to check on it. He had left the air conditioner on, the paint job looked crappy..and he used the wrong kind of paint to touch up one wall. Plus he had forgotten the keys in his truck. I was upset about all this since I had specifically asked him to make sure that nothing was left on since no one goes over there and we didnt' want a huge power bill. Anywho, he made excuses for why the job wasn't done correctly and got aggressive about it. :argue: I'm not going to lie, I was being a dog too...but he pulled his car behind mine to make it so I couldn't back out and stood there and argued with me about it in the parking lot. When I told him for like the 5th time that I had to go and we would talk about it later he pulled out. He called me on the phone and we were arguing on the phone while he was driving in front of me. I passed a cop so I hung up on him and just turned the ringer off. He drove towards my house, stopped his car in the road and waved his cell phone out the window signalling for me to answer his phone call. He had to turn to explain his abrupt stop...and I kept going. I then answered his phone call and asked him what he wanted. He told me I was being ridiculous by yelling at him & hanging up on him. I told him that I had passed a cop so that was my reason for hanging up, and I hung up again. He called my phone over and over until we got here. When we got here he got out of the car and talked to my mom about the work and acted normal. (My mom just happened to be outside)

It's Friday night and i'm supposed to hang out tonight with him..since that's what couples do on Friday night. I'm not attracted to him anymore, and I dont' like him around. Last night I was giving my grandfather a shower and I told him he could stick around if he wanted to but kind of emphasized with my voice that I'd rather him leave. He asked, "What are you trying to get me to leave???" And I was like, "No..I was just thinking that you probably feel awkard since i'm giving my grandfather a shower and all." Of course he wasn't in the bathroom but he was sitting in the bedroom waiting for me to get done. Just weird...

You guys are right..he's a creep. I just feel bad because other than these weird instances he really likes me..and tries to treat me well. Like I said in a previous post, he just got out of Iraq not too long ago. He has no other interests, hobbies, or anything that isnt' connected to me or that I introduced him to. His friends are friends that he met through me. (Although he had been out of town in Iraq and all.) Just kind of feel bad cutting all that off for him. Dont' know what he's going to do without me. I wish it hadn't gotten to this point. I should have seen the signs earlier. There is still a part of me that hopes he wakes up tomorrow as a man...but I dont' see it happening. I dont' even want to hang out with him tonight.

I am now, "one of those girls". Ugh.

:banghead:

Always_Learning, BSN, RN · Sep 25, 2009

"You guys are right..he's a creep. I just feel bad because other than these weird instances he really likes me..and tries to treat me well."

Hi dear,

I speak from experience here...someone who "kinda sorta treats you well when they feel like it" is not a good return on your relationship investment. If you are going to commit to work on having a consistent relationship, then the other party should too. Don't make that mandatory for yourself and then let someone else have it as an option. As Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them."

And if he is not supporting you when you need to study, then you are making the right decision by distancing yourself. Don't let someone else ruin your dreams for you. I wish you all the best! :loveya: