No one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves "Yeah, today's the day we move mom into a facility!" But my siblings and I had to do that today. We have been faced with a months long struggle with my very recalcitrant mother who has dementia and is rapidly failing in all cognitive areas. Over the course of the past four months APS, Police and medical and psychiatric professionals have been trying to get her the help she needed. She has injured herself several times and has been looking for my deceased father under the beds and just generally paranoid and not at all sane.
Two doctors declared her incompetent this week and so my siblings and I set out to do the right thing today and get her into a safe place where she could be cared for.
let me tell you - she has always been a bit loosely hinged and we had a very violent and abusive childhood but it's been years since I have had to see her as she was today. She cursed like a sailor, spit on me, tried to jump from a moving car on the freeway, punched me in the face and the stomach and rammed me with her wheelchair. I am nothing but an "Ungrateful, conniving ***** and I am going to hell. She curses the day I was born.
I stood up to it all and I have a great support team but my sobriety is sorely tested today. I purposely did not post this under nurses in recovery because I want all my brothers and sisters to know what I am struggling with.
My dh is dealing with something similar with his father. Growing up dad drank his paycheck while his oldest son's paper route helped to put food on the table. So neglect, verbal and physical abuse along with dad's sense of entitlement has hardened dh's heart. Now dad is in and out of the hospital with poor health, expecting all to come, sit vigil and reminisce about the good ol' days.
Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
Again with the platitudes. Please stop. Someone who had to deal with a violent, abusive parent during childhood and then deal with the same abusiveness they left behind again when the mother has dementia doesn't want to hear that. It's like getting abused all over again. Chances are the OP's mother -- like my own -- DID mean what she said and did. Dementia tends to strip away the socially appropriate facade that even abusive parents use to cover up. Unless you are 100% sure that the parent was never abusive to the child, please don't say such a thing.
Losing independence is hard even without dementia. So sad even knowing she's safer.
Try to treat yourself to something else you like a lot. God bless y'all. You can do it. Tomorrow comes quick. Emotional stuff can be sooo physically exhausting. Do you just want to lay down and go to sleep? Dang it's so dark already too! Take it easy on yourself and treat yourself to something, idk, hot bath, popcorn, funny movie.... something you like just for you. It 's been a sad day for y'all! Glad you could bond some instead of battle with sibs.:) Have a good night. Peeps are out here hoping for ya!
Again with the platitudes. Please stop. Someone who had to deal with a violent, abusive parent during childhood and then deal with the same abusiveness they left behind again when the mother has dementia doesn't want to hear that. It's like getting abused all over again. Chances are the OP's mother -- like my own -- DID mean what she said and did. Dementia tends to strip away the socially appropriate facade that even abusive parents use to cover up. Unless you are 100% sure that the parent was never abusive to the child, please don't say such a thing.
I understand that you know the situation and I don't, but I was just trying to offer support. Reading the post made me sympathetic. I didn't mean to make a bad situation worse. If I did it definitely wasn't my intention
Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
I understand that you know the situation and I don't, but I was just trying to offer support. Reading the post made me sympathetic. I didn't mean to make a bad situation worse. If I did it definitely wasn't my intention
No worries KT I know your comments came from a place of caring
Hppy, just wanted to let you know that in my prior post, I did not intend to be dismissive of past abuses you suffered. I apologize if any part of post was hurtful to you.
Ruby, thanks for the reminder that although many of us will go thru similar hardships, we all have unique circumstances.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
I understand that you know the situation and I don't, but I was just trying to offer support. Reading the post made me sympathetic. I didn't mean to make a bad situation worse. If I did it definitely wasn't my intention
I don't know anything more about the situation than what I read in the original post. But I do know this: if the parent was abusive when her children were children and she becomes abusive again with dementia, it ISN'T the dementia. It's the parent.
Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
Hppy, just wanted to let you know that in my prior post, I did not intend to be dismissive of past abuses you suffered. I apologize if any part of post was hurtful to you.
Ruby, thanks for the reminder that although many of us will go thru similar hardships, we all have unique circumstances.
As I said to KT no worries - I know such comments come from a caring heart.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
I feel for you, OP. I know, when and if the time comes, I will have no real sorrow at putting my own parents in a home. They were cruel and abusive to me from my youngest days. They have had zero time or intention for my kids, their grandchildren, and have been self-centered and mean to them as well. The abuse has only stopped as I have stopped engaging with them on any level. I have told my kids to expect nothing from them so they are not disappointed. I have learned well what kind of parent and grandparent NOT to be. I pour all my love and devotion into my own family.
I get it. Dementia only removes the socially-correct filter that has them behaving in a way that "looks good" to outsiders. Our family was the "Beaver Cleaver" family to anyone outside of it. If they only knew....
So my heart goes out to you. You are free now. Enjoy what lies ahead and know your mom is where she belongs.
nursej22, MSN, RN
4,877 Posts
My dh is dealing with something similar with his father. Growing up dad drank his paycheck while his oldest son's paper route helped to put food on the table. So neglect, verbal and physical abuse along with dad's sense of entitlement has hardened dh's heart. Now dad is in and out of the hospital with poor health, expecting all to come, sit vigil and reminisce about the good ol' days.
Not happening...