No one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves "Yeah, today's the day we move mom into a facility!" But my siblings and I had to do that today. We have been faced with a months long struggle with my very recalcitrant mother who has dementia and is rapidly failing in all cognitive areas. Over the course of the past four months APS, Police and medical and psychiatric professionals have been trying to get her the help she needed. She has injured herself several times and has been looking for my deceased father under the beds and just generally paranoid and not at all sane.
Two doctors declared her incompetent this week and so my siblings and I set out to do the right thing today and get her into a safe place where she could be cared for.
let me tell you - she has always been a bit loosely hinged and we had a very violent and abusive childhood but it's been years since I have had to see her as she was today. She cursed like a sailor, spit on me, tried to jump from a moving car on the freeway, punched me in the face and the stomach and rammed me with her wheelchair. I am nothing but an "Ungrateful, conniving ***** and I am going to hell. She curses the day I was born.
I stood up to it all and I have a great support team but my sobriety is sorely tested today. I purposely did not post this under nurses in recovery because I want all my brothers and sisters to know what I am struggling with.
Dementia patients are hard, its harder watching a parent decline. Just remember shes ill and didn't mean what she said or did. Like others have said, as much as it sucks shes getting 24/7 proper care and its good she can have her dog. It will make her feel more at home. Maybe you all can take her family pics or more familiar items to help her adjust.
I had to take care of my mom like this too, five years ago. It was hard. She was an abuser as well. I'm glad you have a good support system. As time goes by you will have a wonderful feeling of calmness knowing you took good care of her and she is in a safe place.
Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
Thanks for all your warm thoughts - I know people say it's that dementia talking but t really not. What the dementia has done is strip away any filters that she had and I experienced again in one day every torturous minute of my childhood, the beatings, shaming , the embarrassment when she went off in public or at school functions........Unless you have been abused in this way by the one person who is supposed to love you the most in the whole world. You just don't know what it like. I have mostly healed in adulthood but the scars run deep.
I had a restraining order against my mom before her dementia became clear. She was dangerous to my family.
She started out being a good mom but choices she made later caused her to not do a good job later and yes, there was abuse; verbal and physical.
It ended up being easier than I thought it would be to respond to her walking over to my house and standing outside the gate staring in the windows. I recognized then that she was suffering from some kind of dementia. Not that that fueled or excused her earlier behavior. But I was able to let all that go before she ever started roaming away from home and getting herself into trouble getting lost.
I was able to visit her in the dementia units after a few months. Initially, my appearance would inflame her anger.
At the end, she would see me and we would walk and walk. She couldn't talk at the end but there was no anger.
It's a hard road. Staying in someone's life who wasn't very nice to me or my family. But I have no animosity or anger left.
Just sad that she ended this way. No human being should.
No one walks in your shoes hppy. But we can listen and share our own stories.
Sorry to hear this was such a struggle for you. Good that your mom is now safe. Even though things were bad in the past, please don't forget to visit her, knowing that you can always remove yourself early if she gets too upset while you are there.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
I am so sorry that you had to go through this today. Just remember, it is her dementia speaking when she acts like this. Remember that you did the right thing for her safety and the safety of others. Where she is now, she will get nutritious meals and a medication routine that will help her. Many times we receive resident's where the medication has not been given correctly and that will add to issues.
It is good that you reached out here instead of taking a drink. Go eat some ice cream or chocolate instead. While she is angry, you should be able to sleep better knowing that she is in a place that will help her and you won't have to wonder where she is or if she is getting hurt. Don't let her guilt you.
Take care of yourself now.
In some cases, it is not the dementia speaking. It appears that was the case for the OP's mother -- and for mine as well. I want to gag myself -- or punch the speaker -- every time someone tells me "It's the dementia speaking, that's not your mother." That WAS my mother -- and the OP's as well. Please, please, please don't offer that platitude to families unless you KNOW it's the dementia -- and not the parent's true personality shining through.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
No one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves "Yeah, today's the day we move mom into a facility!" But my siblings and I had to do that today. We have been faced with a months long struggle with my very recalcitrant mother who has dementia and is rapidly failing in all cognitive areas. Over the course of the past four months APS, Police and medical and psychiatric professionals have been trying to get her the help she needed. She has injured herself several times and has been looking for my deceased father under the beds and just generally paranoid and not at all sane.
Two doctors declared her incompetent this week and so my siblings and I set out to do the right thing today and get her into a safe place where she could be cared for.
let me tell you - she has always been a bit loosely hinged and we had a very violent and abusive childhood but it's been years since I have had to see her as she was today. She cursed like a sailor, spit on me, tried to jump from a moving car on the freeway, punched me in the face and the stomach and rammed me with her wheelchair. I am nothing but an "Ungrateful, conniving ***** and I am going to hell. She curses the day I was born.
I stood up to it all and I have a great support team but my sobriety is sorely tested today. I purposely did not post this under nurses in recovery because I want all my brothers and sisters to know what I am struggling with.
Hope you all had a good day.
Hppy
I DID wake up one morning -- January 27, 2009 -- knowing that I would be moving my mother out of her house. A place in assisted living had FINALLY opened up, the paperwork was done, the fees were paid and I was about to be free of 24/7 care of my demented mother. Oh, what a happy day! Of course, I had to get through the crying, cursing, screaming, guilt, embarrassment, etc. to get there.
You've done the right thing, both for your mother and for yourself. Please don't let anyone (and many will try, God knows why!) guilt you into thinking otherwise.
Oh, hppy, I'm so sorry. Grab a slice of cheesecake or something decadent, and try to allow yourself to breathe that sigh of relief that's down in there somewhere. She's safe now, you've done the right thing; but goodness, what a rotten day for you and your siblings.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
I've been in that place with my mom as well. It's going to continue to be extremely hard while she's adjusting. Just remember it's the dementia talking; I know you know this, but it's easy to forget when you're the one trying to muddle your way thru it.
Lean on your siblings & friends or please come here to vent. Your sobriety was a hard fought battle. Though it sounds like your relationship was rocky in the past, I'm sure your mom would not ever have wanted to see you give that sobriety up.
Dementia is a soul sucking disease for everyone. You can't save your mom from it but don't lose yourself as well.
You're in my thoughts.
The OP said her mother has always been violent and abusive. It was NOT the dementia talking. Please, please, please stop with the knee-jerk platitudes. As one whose mother's dementia stripped away the pleasant facade and left her the violent, abusive, mean mother I knew as a child, I can tell you that hearing someone tell me "That's not your mother; that's just the dementia" made me want to punch them. They just don't know. You don't either.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Dementia patients are hard, its harder watching a parent decline. Just remember shes ill and didn't mean what she said or did. Like others have said, as much as it sucks shes getting 24/7 proper care and its good she can have her dog. It will make her feel more at home. Maybe you all can take her family pics or more familiar items to help her adjust.
Again with the platitudes. Please stop. Someone who had to deal with a violent, abusive parent during childhood and then deal with the same abusiveness they left behind again when the mother has dementia doesn't want to hear that. It's like getting abused all over again. Chances are the OP's mother -- like my own -- DID mean what she said and did. Dementia tends to strip away the socially appropriate facade that even abusive parents use to cover up. Unless you are 100% sure that the parent was never abusive to the child, please don't say such a thing.
So sorry. Even if the relationship was not good growing up and is not good now, at least she is in a safer place. That experience must have torn open some old wounds for you and your siblings. So glad you turned to your friends here for support instead of losing your sobriety.
Now that you know Mom is safe and taken care of, please take care of yourself.
KThurmond
636 Posts
Dementia patients are hard, its harder watching a parent decline. Just remember shes ill and didn't mean what she said or did. Like others have said, as much as it sucks shes getting 24/7 proper care and its good she can have her dog. It will make her feel more at home. Maybe you all can take her family pics or more familiar items to help her adjust.