So I am at the point now that I almost wish I never went into nursing. I will start with the fact that I had a fairly successful career in finance... but really disliked what I did.
I decided to put everything on the line & go back to school for my RN. It was a dream of mine since I was a child. My grandmother was a nurse, & was a nursing instructor when I was a little girl. I used to play in her classroom & help grade papers. I was exposed to it all of my life.
I never had some glamorous career pictured, so please don't misunderstand and think I didn't know what I was in for (well nobody truly knows til they are there).. point is, I didn't think it would be prestigious or fancy, I just truly wanted to care for people. I tend to always try to take care of everyone anyway, why not do it for a career?
So I put our family in major financial jeopardy by going to school, but I thought it would be worth it in the end. Well, now I don't know if it really was. Overall, I am absolutely miserable.
My career didn't start out the way I hoped. I graduated 4 years ago. I got my first hospital job 90 miles away, great job, but killed me physically, so I left (way too soon). I took a position at a closer dermatology office, it was an okay job, I enjoyed my co-workers & enjoyed some of the hands on surgical procedures, but the pay was horrible & didn't help get out of the financial hole from student loan debt, and I wasn't utilizing what I learned in school.
I stayed at the dermatology office for 2 years, looking for jobs elsewhere for the second year & didn't ever get a call back. So, long story short, they did me the favor of firing me while I was out recovering from a hysterectomy (very nice of them since I had a miscarriage during my first month there & they knew this was not a wanted hysterectomy).
Either way, everything happens for a reason, I finished recovering, got my license for the adjacent state (im only 5 miles from border). Bigger city, way more hospitals, finally going to get my "dream" job of actually practicing nursing in a hospital... Not really.
After almost 5 months of unemployment I found a position in a skilled nursing/long term care facility (first time applying for LTC, not what I was really interested in). Pay was decent, but still not really doing a whole lot of hands on patient care. My position was doing weekly assessments on the LTC pts & then a bunch (tons) of adminstrative work. I worked 50+ hours/week regularly & lucky for me, I did 20+ hours of mandatory overtime the last week of each month for "changeover".
I knew I couldnt try right away for another job or I would be a job hopper... So I waited about 6 months & started hitting the hosptals hard. Did I mention that the administration was CRAZY in the LTC place, they were.. DON would scream at floor nurses that they were "****nurses*" in front of staff, vistors, residents. Just to give you an idea of the atmosphere. Luckily I stayed below the radar, but a very tense work environment with a very high turnover rate of nurses.
So I finally land my dream job, the hosptial that was at the top of my list, application #74 I get my interview & get the position. Im on a med surg floor. Yay!!.... Well, maybe not.
This has been miserable!!! I love the patients, (well most of them). But the co-workers kind of suck. I made the mistake of posting last week about NETY... I know, bad... And I learned alot from that, and started this week (i think week 5 of orientation) with higher anxiety than I had before. THanks for the head chomping on that one.
Either way, my point is, I jsut want to be happy. I find myself coming home miserable every night. I cried half the way home tonight. I am so sick of rude people. I feel like every time I make one mini step forward someone is a jerk & knocks me on my butt!!
There is a huge difference between teaching & being just rude. I had a rough time with my first preceptor, and now I have a new one & its worse. My first preceptor was very direct, quick & to the point. Also very rushed, made it hard to learn at times & increased my anxiety always rushing me & reminding me that I have a million things to do & only x amount of time left, but she was direct. Sometimes my feelings were hurt, but i knew she didnt mean to hurt them, she was just direct. I can handle direct, sometimes it takes a second to process the feelings, but I understood her intention. She would tell me "We have x amount of time to get you where you need to be"
My new preceptor is one of those nasty nice people. If I ask her a question, she will look at me, cock her head to the side & say "I dont know, what do you think?" Well, If I'm asking a question about giving potassium IV for the first time ever, I think maybe this isnt the time to let the newby sink or swim, maybe we should look up the information together if she thinks i need to use my resources, not let me hurt a patient (nobody was harmed, or even came close, no mistakes made, but not because of her help).
She also is one of those people that wants you to do things exactly the way she does them, well, okay, thats fine for most things, but if im getting my things done on time I dont think it should be okay for her to get mad at me for not using her version of a "to do list" if mine is working (my new list that i have attached to my brain sheet was my "ah-ha" moment for managing time & not forgetting things).
She seems overall very annoyed with me, and the fact that she even has to precept me, which makes me feel like crap. I am trying by best to stay calm, be friendly (but not overly friendly, just nice).
I feel like the entire floor is trying to test me, see jsut how far they can push me. When I got there today my assignment was 4 patients (normal is 4-6, supposed to be 4-5, seasoned nurses getting heavier load). I come to work 45 min early to get all my information for the day gathered, so Im as prepared as I can be, unpaid. Dont want a pat on the back, doing it for my own benefit, if it helps have my day organized then worth it. So after I have all info gathered, they re-do the assignment & give me another patient, so I am the only one with 5 pts & everone else has 4. Im a little annoyed & very anxious about getting everything done & not having the day fall apart, but i dont let it show & roll with it. And it was going fine. I made it. Deep breath!!
My last straw with her today was the fact that she was mad at me because we both forgot we had to change a wound vac dressing - they are changed Mon WEd & fri - (which is apparently not done very often on my floor). So at 5pm she remembered & snapped at me that I had a ton of meds to give (and she did snap, like it was my fault there were meds). I had everything caught up for the day, and they were 5 & 6pm meds I planned on giving at 6 (cluster care like suggested). So I hurried & went ahead & gave the meds.
She headed in the room at about 5:30 with another newer nurse & said for me to come in when I was through (I had 1 bag of fluids to hang). So I head in the room & she is showing the other nurse how to do it. (thought she was supposed to be teaching me things, but ok, we all need to learn, teamwork). This is a complex wound, 3 separate wounds, bridging all 3 (on backside)... I actually changed this woundvac last week with my other preceptor, so I asked a couple qeustions about her technique. She had HUGE peices of sponge (several cm wider & deeper than wounds) cut out & not at all shaped, just chomped at with scizzors & I very mously (quietly, meek, not sounding accusing) asked if we werent supposed to try to cut the peices to fit the wound. She said no, you dont need it to fit in there, when the suction turns on it will just suck it into the wound. OK, personally I dont agree, so I dont say anything, I start helping cut pieces of the drape. then i guess I crossed the line by asking one more question. I dont rememer what I asked & I was only asking for clarification about how we are supposed to do this (again, I really did not want to sound accusing or like I was telling her what I knew, heck, im the one learning, im not suggesting anything, just trying to understand). She throws down the sponge & scissors, looks at me & snapped at me saying "you know what, you do this however you want to" and stomps out of the room.
I know, you are all probably thinking I was telling her how I knew how to do this, or how the right way to do it was x, y, z... but I promise you, I did not.
Then the other nurse who was helping her left & said he had to go do something else & didnt have time to do this but he would send in someone to help me hold the patient (pt cannot move at all, & someone had to hold him rolled over on his side to get to the wounds). So they sent in a CNA to hold the pt so I could do the wound vac alone. Im telling you this is a bad wound, for the last dressing change my nurse manager & a very seaoned nurse did it because it was so hard)... Well, i got it done & not with huge peices of sponge gaping out of the wound. did I do it right, well I have no idea. I guess I will find out if I go back next week & hear about how the poor guy ended up getting the wound debrided again because the wound vac was crap....
Nice environment!!! Oh and half way through the very early night shift nurse stuck her head in to ask if i was done so she could get report... I just very nicely (which at this point was hard), said "no, note done yet, sorry". I will be out as quick as I can be (contact isolation pt, so nobody was coming in if they didnt have to).
AFter I was done with that & then report I had some charting to finish up, not much, maybe 10-15 minutes worth (including the wound vac). While I was charting someone called about a pt who was discharged yesterday & night nurse answered, i had the pt, so I was telling her about him, d/c to another facility, bla bla... apparently daughter didnt know where father was... daughter was screaming & beligreant... I suggested maybe if she doesnt have the PIN # for pt information we shouldnt say more than the fact that he was d/c yesterday, preceptor says to tell daughter where we sent patient & give daughter the phone number (Nobody sure of family dynamics). Preceptor says "just tell her where we sent him & give her phone number, let them deal with it), night nurse asking me questinos about pt & preceptor stands up & snaps at us, well you can do whatever you want to, im going home!"
What the heck??? Why the attitude. Its been like this with the attitude all week. And as i pointed out earlier, she is one of those nasty nice people. Never acts like this in front of managers. Is a very young little miss know it all & if you dont do it her way, apparently she will be very nasty (but not with anyone looking).
This girl has the entire staff wrapped around her little finger, buddy buddy with everyone & i see right through it.
Im just over it all, between the stress, anxiety, coming home miserable. Feeling like a big dumb peice of crap, I dont know if i can take one more crappy attitude. I know it is supposed to be hard, but it really sucks that attitudes of people have to make it harder. I dont expect it to be easy, but I dont want to come home crying & feeling like i have completely wasted the last 5+ years of my life....
I feel like i made the biggest mistake on earth... screw this job, screw nursing, I just want to go back to banking.
I know not every person on every floor is like this, so im not saying anytihng about all nurses being like this, but this is my experience & this is how it is where I am at. Little witchy attitudes. God complexes. Everyone thinks their way is right, or they are new & they worship the little nasty preceptor... who for whatever reason dislikes me very much. Makes for a wonderful work dynamic, so on top of it being extremely stressful just trying to get the hang of things & trying not to look like a total moron, I can ad teh stress of feeling like im the ugly kid in middle school again...
And who wants to go back to middle school?
I am miserable at work, which is making me miserable at home..... is it even worth it?? Will I ever feel like its worth it?? Right now Im not so sure!
PS for anyone who reads or responds, sorry for the length... I just had to get it out & nobody in my family understands & they are pretty sick of seing me miserable over my "dream job"...
icuRNmaggie, BSN, RN
1,970 Posts
It is really hard to be joined together for 12 hours a day and it is miserable if there is tension in the air. I would speak the truth.
"I did not mean to criticize you but I know that is how I came across and I am going to work on that. I don't want things to be weird between us. You have taught me so much already and I just want you to know that you have been excellent resource."
I know it is hard not to ruminate about all of the negative incidents but going forward put your mental energy into the work as others have said.
Try your best to put your preceptor
and others at ease by presenting a calm pleasant demeanor. Make it a private goal to build congenial relationships with everyone.
You have shown a lot of maturity by accepting the advice written here and through your thoughtfully written responses. It is a tough job and a difficult transition but it will get easier with time.