Is it really worth it... So Miserable!! So Insecure!!

[nursy1]

So I am at the point now that I almost wish I never went into nursing. I will start with the fact that I had a fairly successful career in finance... but really disliked what I did.

I decided to put everything on the line & go back to school for my RN. It was a dream of mine since I was a child. My grandmother was a nurse, & was a nursing instructor when I was a little girl. I used to play in her classroom & help grade papers. I was exposed to it all of my life.

I never had some glamorous career pictured, so please don't misunderstand and think I didn't know what I was in for (well nobody truly knows til they are there).. point is, I didn't think it would be prestigious or fancy, I just truly wanted to care for people. I tend to always try to take care of everyone anyway, why not do it for a career?

So I put our family in major financial jeopardy by going to school, but I thought it would be worth it in the end. Well, now I don't know if it really was. Overall, I am absolutely miserable.

My career didn't start out the way I hoped. I graduated 4 years ago. I got my first hospital job 90 miles away, great job, but killed me physically, so I left (way too soon). I took a position at a closer dermatology office, it was an okay job, I enjoyed my co-workers & enjoyed some of the hands on surgical procedures, but the pay was horrible & didn't help get out of the financial hole from student loan debt, and I wasn't utilizing what I learned in school.

I stayed at the dermatology office for 2 years, looking for jobs elsewhere for the second year & didn't ever get a call back. So, long story short, they did me the favor of firing me while I was out recovering from a hysterectomy (very nice of them since I had a miscarriage during my first month there & they knew this was not a wanted hysterectomy).

Either way, everything happens for a reason, I finished recovering, got my license for the adjacent state (im only 5 miles from border). Bigger city, way more hospitals, finally going to get my "dream" job of actually practicing nursing in a hospital... Not really.

After almost 5 months of unemployment I found a position in a skilled nursing/long term care facility (first time applying for LTC, not what I was really interested in). Pay was decent, but still not really doing a whole lot of hands on patient care. My position was doing weekly assessments on the LTC pts & then a bunch (tons) of adminstrative work. I worked 50+ hours/week regularly & lucky for me, I did 20+ hours of mandatory overtime the last week of each month for "changeover".

I knew I couldnt try right away for another job or I would be a job hopper... So I waited about 6 months & started hitting the hosptals hard. Did I mention that the administration was CRAZY in the LTC place, they were.. DON would scream at floor nurses that they were "****nurses*" in front of staff, vistors, residents. Just to give you an idea of the atmosphere. Luckily I stayed below the radar, but a very tense work environment with a very high turnover rate of nurses.

So I finally land my dream job, the hosptial that was at the top of my list, application #74 I get my interview & get the position. Im on a med surg floor. Yay!!.... Well, maybe not.

This has been miserable!!! I love the patients, (well most of them). But the co-workers kind of suck. I made the mistake of posting last week about NETY... I know, bad... And I learned alot from that, and started this week (i think week 5 of orientation) with higher anxiety than I had before. THanks for the head chomping on that one.

Either way, my point is, I jsut want to be happy. I find myself coming home miserable every night. I cried half the way home tonight. I am so sick of rude people. I feel like every time I make one mini step forward someone is a jerk & knocks me on my butt!!

There is a huge difference between teaching & being just rude. I had a rough time with my first preceptor, and now I have a new one & its worse. My first preceptor was very direct, quick & to the point. Also very rushed, made it hard to learn at times & increased my anxiety always rushing me & reminding me that I have a million things to do & only x amount of time left, but she was direct. Sometimes my feelings were hurt, but i knew she didnt mean to hurt them, she was just direct. I can handle direct, sometimes it takes a second to process the feelings, but I understood her intention. She would tell me "We have x amount of time to get you where you need to be"

My new preceptor is one of those nasty nice people. If I ask her a question, she will look at me, cock her head to the side & say "I dont know, what do you think?" Well, If I'm asking a question about giving potassium IV for the first time ever, I think maybe this isnt the time to let the newby sink or swim, maybe we should look up the information together if she thinks i need to use my resources, not let me hurt a patient (nobody was harmed, or even came close, no mistakes made, but not because of her help).

She also is one of those people that wants you to do things exactly the way she does them, well, okay, thats fine for most things, but if im getting my things done on time I dont think it should be okay for her to get mad at me for not using her version of a "to do list" if mine is working (my new list that i have attached to my brain sheet was my "ah-ha" moment for managing time & not forgetting things).

She seems overall very annoyed with me, and the fact that she even has to precept me, which makes me feel like crap. I am trying by best to stay calm, be friendly (but not overly friendly, just nice).

I feel like the entire floor is trying to test me, see jsut how far they can push me. When I got there today my assignment was 4 patients (normal is 4-6, supposed to be 4-5, seasoned nurses getting heavier load). I come to work 45 min early to get all my information for the day gathered, so Im as prepared as I can be, unpaid. Dont want a pat on the back, doing it for my own benefit, if it helps have my day organized then worth it. So after I have all info gathered, they re-do the assignment & give me another patient, so I am the only one with 5 pts & everone else has 4. Im a little annoyed & very anxious about getting everything done & not having the day fall apart, but i dont let it show & roll with it. And it was going fine. I made it. Deep breath!!

My last straw with her today was the fact that she was mad at me because we both forgot we had to change a wound vac dressing - they are changed Mon WEd & fri - (which is apparently not done very often on my floor). So at 5pm she remembered & snapped at me that I had a ton of meds to give (and she did snap, like it was my fault there were meds). I had everything caught up for the day, and they were 5 & 6pm meds I planned on giving at 6 (cluster care like suggested). So I hurried & went ahead & gave the meds.

She headed in the room at about 5:30 with another newer nurse & said for me to come in when I was through (I had 1 bag of fluids to hang). So I head in the room & she is showing the other nurse how to do it. (thought she was supposed to be teaching me things, but ok, we all need to learn, teamwork). This is a complex wound, 3 separate wounds, bridging all 3 (on backside)... I actually changed this woundvac last week with my other preceptor, so I asked a couple qeustions about her technique. She had HUGE peices of sponge (several cm wider & deeper than wounds) cut out & not at all shaped, just chomped at with scizzors & I very mously (quietly, meek, not sounding accusing) asked if we werent supposed to try to cut the peices to fit the wound. She said no, you dont need it to fit in there, when the suction turns on it will just suck it into the wound. OK, personally I dont agree, so I dont say anything, I start helping cut pieces of the drape. then i guess I crossed the line by asking one more question. I dont rememer what I asked & I was only asking for clarification about how we are supposed to do this (again, I really did not want to sound accusing or like I was telling her what I knew, heck, im the one learning, im not suggesting anything, just trying to understand). She throws down the sponge & scissors, looks at me & snapped at me saying "you know what, you do this however you want to" and stomps out of the room.

I know, you are all probably thinking I was telling her how I knew how to do this, or how the right way to do it was x, y, z... but I promise you, I did not.

Then the other nurse who was helping her left & said he had to go do something else & didnt have time to do this but he would send in someone to help me hold the patient (pt cannot move at all, & someone had to hold him rolled over on his side to get to the wounds). So they sent in a CNA to hold the pt so I could do the wound vac alone. Im telling you this is a bad wound, for the last dressing change my nurse manager & a very seaoned nurse did it because it was so hard)... Well, i got it done & not with huge peices of sponge gaping out of the wound. did I do it right, well I have no idea. I guess I will find out if I go back next week & hear about how the poor guy ended up getting the wound debrided again because the wound vac was crap....

Nice environment!!! Oh and half way through the very early night shift nurse stuck her head in to ask if i was done so she could get report... I just very nicely (which at this point was hard), said "no, note done yet, sorry". I will be out as quick as I can be (contact isolation pt, so nobody was coming in if they didnt have to).

AFter I was done with that & then report I had some charting to finish up, not much, maybe 10-15 minutes worth (including the wound vac). While I was charting someone called about a pt who was discharged yesterday & night nurse answered, i had the pt, so I was telling her about him, d/c to another facility, bla bla... apparently daughter didnt know where father was... daughter was screaming & beligreant... I suggested maybe if she doesnt have the PIN # for pt information we shouldnt say more than the fact that he was d/c yesterday, preceptor says to tell daughter where we sent patient & give daughter the phone number (Nobody sure of family dynamics). Preceptor says "just tell her where we sent him & give her phone number, let them deal with it), night nurse asking me questinos about pt & preceptor stands up & snaps at us, well you can do whatever you want to, im going home!"

What the heck??? Why the attitude. Its been like this with the attitude all week. And as i pointed out earlier, she is one of those nasty nice people. Never acts like this in front of managers. Is a very young little miss know it all & if you dont do it her way, apparently she will be very nasty (but not with anyone looking).

This girl has the entire staff wrapped around her little finger, buddy buddy with everyone & i see right through it.

Im just over it all, between the stress, anxiety, coming home miserable. Feeling like a big dumb peice of crap, I dont know if i can take one more crappy attitude. I know it is supposed to be hard, but it really sucks that attitudes of people have to make it harder. I dont expect it to be easy, but I dont want to come home crying & feeling like i have completely wasted the last 5+ years of my life....

I feel like i made the biggest mistake on earth... screw this job, screw nursing, I just want to go back to banking.

I know not every person on every floor is like this, so im not saying anytihng about all nurses being like this, but this is my experience & this is how it is where I am at. Little witchy attitudes. God complexes. Everyone thinks their way is right, or they are new & they worship the little nasty preceptor... who for whatever reason dislikes me very much. Makes for a wonderful work dynamic, so on top of it being extremely stressful just trying to get the hang of things & trying not to look like a total moron, I can ad teh stress of feeling like im the ugly kid in middle school again...

And who wants to go back to middle school?

I am miserable at work, which is making me miserable at home..... is it even worth it?? Will I ever feel like its worth it?? Right now Im not so sure!

PS for anyone who reads or responds, sorry for the length... I just had to get it out & nobody in my family understands & they are pretty sick of seing me miserable over my "dream job"...

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I'm going to agree with the other posters that you need to find some way to get along with this preceptor. Difficulties with two preceptors comes across as "not a good fit." It should not come as a surprise to you if you get summoned to that meeting with your manager to discuss whether you really want to work here.

I understand that you're new at THIS job, but after four years of experience you should have some of the basics down: How to talk to patients, families, physicians, an outline for time management and a basic understanding of how to be precepted. (Or "coached" as someone upthread mentioned.) On top of your nursing experience, you have banking experience. Learning a new job should be old hat by now. Your post comes across as someone with an attitude and that could be what your preceptors are picking up on. You may not LIKE your preceptor ("nasty little preceptor" and "little witchy attitudes"), but you can still learn from her. And yes, encouraging you to think through things yourself is a necessary part of teaching.

[calivianya, BSN, RN]

Not all preceptors are going to be a good fit. I had an excellent one during my senior year of nursing school - which I believe directly contributed to my success as a nurse in a major way because my first RN job preceptor was very tough. Very experienced, total perfectionist... but had precepted so many people she was absolutely tired of her orientees not being perfect. If I hadn't been almost ready to be on my own before I landed my first job, I don't think I would have made it. I was told her previous two orientees had just flat out quit.

So, how did I survive? Saying, "Yes, I'll try that," "I'm sorry, I will do it that way next time," and "Thank you so much for showing that to me." With some people it doesn't matter what you think. It doesn't matter if you're right. All that matters is that you do things the way that person wants you to do them so you can escape orientation without getting fired. Just remember, orientation isn't forever. My job stress was cut in half when I got off orientation at that job - I could finally breathe by myself without someone constantly hovering over me. I expect you may just find the same thing yourself.

[dishes, BSN, RN]

Just keep working on the things you have control over, possibly the vac wound dressing drama could have been avoided if you were prepared to do it early on in the shift. Do the staff seem overworked? the preceptor's hostile reaction to the forgotten vac dressing and the question about the size of the packing, sound like behaviour associated with burn out .

[Karou]

Does your preceptor know that this is your first hospital job? I have noticed (not often, but occasionally) that people will assume that because a nurse is older than the average new grad that they are an experienced nurse. They forget that they are new.

Try and make the best of this situation. Many people feel similar to you starting out. I had some stellar and not am stellar preceptors.

People like someone who is friendly and interested in them. Have you tried bonding with your preceptor over her family, hobbies, ect? Sometimes the quieter new nurses can come across as aloof and difficult to get to know. Try to be friendly and start building rapport with a few coworkers, your preceptor if possible. If you seem quiet then people may assume that you want to be left alone.

When I was with someone that wasn't a good fit for me and that I didn't really like, I would ask about their family and find something that we had in common. Not everyone is a good teacher but you can still learn as much as you can. I was very observant when with someone that obviously didn't like to answer a lot of questions and could learn a little that way.

Observe your coworkers and learn who might be a good resource for you. Once you are off orientation you I'll be able to go to other nurses for advice and can learn how they do things that could be helpful to you.

This time with your current preceptor will pass. It's not until you are cut free and on your own that you will truly start learning how you want to practice and what works best for you.

[Gooselady, BSN, RN]

I haven't read any of the other posts, so forgive if I've repeated something.

I hated nursing for about the first three or four years. Like you I was kind of 'stuck' with it, though it was my first career. I was a single mother and the kids' dad was a dead beat so no child support, it was me or it was back on welfare (which wasn't gonna happen with an RN license LOL).

In retrospect, it was ME. The problem wasn't with 'nursing' or anything real specific about the units or the staff. I was miserable, didn't really know why, and totally attributed it to 'nursing'. I think that is completely normal, in the great scheme of things. Nursing demands more of you AS A PERSON than it ever will on your skill set or knowledge base. As a nurse, your SELF is your best OR WORST tool.

I sense in your OP that you are unhappy with . . . well, just about everything. Both preceptors now, all the different jobs (except for the one where the DON screamed at nurses in the hallway!).

The common denominator is YOU. And yeah, nursing is HARD but considering how many years you've been a nurse, you are just about at that point where if it's going to get better, it will.

I'm not sure what your expectations of nursing, what you hoped/thought it would be, are. I will guarantee you that whatever these expectations are, they are what are making you miserable MORE than the preceptors or the job.

Examine your expectations, really look at them, write them down, analyze them -- and come down off of the high horse a bit there, too. I am speaking from personal experience about the high horse, so I'm not taking yet one more shot at you, I promise. You sacrificed a LOT to become a nurse. What were you HOPING that being a nurse would look like? Where did you see yourself working, what kind of a setting? What were your expectations about relationships with coworkers? Did you HAVE coworkers that you needed to work that closely with in your previous career? Nursing is all about relationships with coworkers, patients and families, and honey, the nurse is never right that's a joke but it's kind of true, too.

I had to come down a peg or two, get a little bit more humble, grow a thicker skin, and stop giving so much attention to every little 'wrong' thing (read: what *I* thought was wrong, I had wayyy too much I thought was 'wrong'). Soften up a bit, and I also sense you are beating yourself up in there, too.

It's possible becoming a nurse was a bad idea, but I doubt it.

There are so many different ways to work as a nurse that at four years on, you aren't 'stuck' working in a hospital or LTC. Jobs aren't as plentiful as they used to be, but you have a lot of choice.

Be the change you want to see. Stop expecting everyone else to accommodate your preferences (yes, ask me how I now).

Becoming a good nurse is a LOT about getting over yourself :) You would be in good company, trust me on that :)

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Just so everyone knows, I fully intend on speaking with my preceptor next time we work together & apologizing for making her angry with me.. Not in those words... I need to think carefully how to word it not to come off insincere, which is how I am apparently being perceived. I may have ranted on here but im really trying my best at work. I appreciate everything I have learned. Im not going to say I appreciate the attitude, because I don't, but I have no intention on making things worse. I want things to work out with everyone. I want to succeed. That I why I post my rant on here & not at work, why I sit in my car & cry & not in front of them. I just want to learn as much as I can in the short time I have left on orientation & then try to be a good nurse, learn from everyone & do what I can to have good relationships with my coworkers.

Don't cry in your car. That does nothing but upset you in your time you are not in the facility. And I would not apologize for "making her angry". That is a non-issue, do not emotionalize and/or personalize this, it is work. Not a character assassination.

You have to have a cooperative relationship with your co-workers, but they are co-workers and ya'll are not BFF's. As long as you can succeed in a team oriented environment, all the better.

I would most definitely say "I really want to succeed. I know what I know, but I am also aware of what I don't know. And one of the ways I can find out is with your assistance. I want to be sure I am communicating effectively. So please know that my questions come from a place of needing to know, as opposed to anything else. I appreciate your time with me, hope that I can be clearer going forward"

Best wishes

[Altra, BSN, RN]

I agree with much of what the other contributors to this thread have advised.

I would also suggest that it's time to turn off some of the emotion and get down to learning to do the work. The reality of new staff orientation is this:

Take a full workload - in some environments a nearly impossible workload - and add to it teaching, discussion, and sub-optimal productivity while the orientee is new. Then you'll begin to understand that this is not a setup that is conducive to happiness and light. It is inherently uncomfortable to learn something new, to stretch yourself to perform an unfamiliar routine ... but the only way to relieve that discomfort is to practice doing the work.

Wishing you some time to reflect, to summon the inner strength to approach your work in terms of what *you* are contributing each day, instead of focusing on what is *happening to you*.

[LBSN1RN]

I agree with everyone on here! I just recently graduated, and have had a few preceptors during school who were very rude. You have to just realize that it's their problem. If they want to be unhappy, that's their problem, but you still need to learn from them. That is a normal teaching strategy to ask why we think. Many times if I ask a question I am told to look it up on the hospital system and report back with an answer. Typically my preceptor will continue to question me about my question until I understand it.

Also, med-surg is hard. I feel that it takes a special person to work those floors. I work on a cardiovascular unit with only a 3:1 ratio. Whenever you are being precepted, simply do things the preceptors way. Once you have completed the process, you'll know what you like and don't like. Then you can organize, etc. things your way.

Do your best to come in with a smile on your face everyday. Good luck.

[LBSN1RN]

Exactly. That is professionalism 101. You do not need to apologize for "making her mad".

What you can do is pull her aside and simply say that you know there has been some miscommunication in the past, and you are working to better improve your communication with the staff. You can say that you were overwhelmed, but feel better prepared since you have first started. Say that you will work hard everyday to become better. Ask your preceptor what she thinks you can improve on in that aspect.

[nursy1, BSN, RN]

I'm going to agree with the other posters that you need to find some way to get along with this preceptor. Difficulties with two preceptors comes across as "not a good fit." It should not come as a surprise to you if you get summoned to that meeting with your manager to discuss whether you really want to work here.

I understand that you're new at THIS job, but after four years of experience you should have some of the basics down: How to talk to patients, families, physicians, an outline for time management and a basic understanding of how to be precepted. (Or "coached" as someone upthread mentioned.) On top of your nursing experience, you have banking experience. Learning a new job should be old hat by now. Your post comes across as someone with an attitude and that could be what your preceptors are picking up on. You may not LIKE your preceptor ("nasty little preceptor" and "little witchy attitudes"), but you can still learn from her. And yes, encouraging you to think through things yourself is a necessary part of teaching.

I know my post comes across as someone with an attitude, I had an attitude when I wrote it. I was upset & needed to get it off my chest, thought this would be a much better forum than bringing it to work. Good opportunity to get some feedback & vent. I don't want to go back to work with a chip on my shoulder. I want things to go well. There have been good days & bad days & when there is a bad day it is really hard... this particular day actually was a pretty good day until this incident.. and then I focused on all the little "bad" things instead of the entire picture.

I appreciate all the feedback, I appreciate people calling me out on my attitude, and my behavior. it has helped me to look back at my behavior and understand where I went wrong. It has also helped me to understand all sides of the situation. So I was feeling sorry for myslef when I wrote this... and Im trying my best not to any more. Right now im more stressed about next time I go to work & how to handle it & what I should or shouldn't do. I want this to work out & I don't want to be perceived in a negative way. I am aware that I am the only one who can change that & I hope I can accomplish that.

[nursy1, BSN, RN]

Don't cry in your car. That does nothing but upset you in your time you are not in the facility. And I would not apologize for "making her angry". That is a non-issue, do not emotionalize and/or personalize this, it is work. Not a character assassination.

You have to have a cooperative relationship with your co-workers, but they are co-workers and ya'll are not BFF's. As long as you can succeed in a team oriented environment, all the better.

I would most definitely say "I really want to succeed. I know what I know, but I am also aware of what I don't know. And one of the ways I can find out is with your assistance. I want to be sure I am communicating effectively. So please know that my questions come from a place of needing to know, as opposed to anything else. I appreciate your time with me, hope that I can be clearer going forward"

Best wishes

Thank you for the advice on what to say, I was actually going to post on here and ask for some advice. Obviously saying "im sorry I made you angry" is not what I want to say & not what I really mean, I just want her to understand that I didn't intend on being difficult & wasn't trying to sound like I was questioning her way, but more overall asking questions... I know sometimes what you say & how you meant it to be received isn't the way the message gets interpreted. I hope to be able to say something to my preceptor that will hopefully let her understand that I want to be able to communicate effectively & move forward & let her know that I want to learn & I appreciate her taking the time to teach me. I just want to move past the ending of the last shift & move forward & build positive relationships with my coworkers

[nursy1, BSN, RN]

Wishing you some time to reflect, to summon the inner strength to approach your work in terms of what *you* are contributing each day, instead of focusing on what is *happening to you*.

That is exactly what I am trying to do... I need to stop internalizing every little negative aspect of every work day. I hope I can take some of this advice I have received on here and apply it effectively to move forward in a positive way. I will try to stop posting now, mouth shut ears open :) (at work & on here). Hopefully I will be able to come back in a few weeks/months (hopefully sooner than later ) and updated as to how things have gotten better.

Thank you everyone for your feedback & advice!

Any further advice on how to start next shift & talk to preceptor to help things move forward positively would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!!

And Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there!!