Is it really worth it... So Miserable!! So Insecure!!

[nursy1, BSN, RN]

So I am at the point now that I almost wish I never went into nursing. I will start with the fact that I had a fairly successful career in finance... but really disliked what I did.

I decided to put everything on the line & go back to school for my RN. It was a dream of mine since I was a child. My grandmother was a nurse, & was a nursing instructor when I was a little girl. I used to play in her classroom & help grade papers. I was exposed to it all of my life.

I never had some glamorous career pictured, so please don't misunderstand and think I didn't know what I was in for (well nobody truly knows til they are there).. point is, I didn't think it would be prestigious or fancy, I just truly wanted to care for people. I tend to always try to take care of everyone anyway, why not do it for a career?

So I put our family in major financial jeopardy by going to school, but I thought it would be worth it in the end. Well, now I don't know if it really was. Overall, I am absolutely miserable.

My career didn't start out the way I hoped. I graduated 4 years ago. I got my first hospital job 90 miles away, great job, but killed me physically, so I left (way too soon). I took a position at a closer dermatology office, it was an okay job, I enjoyed my co-workers & enjoyed some of the hands on surgical procedures, but the pay was horrible & didn't help get out of the financial hole from student loan debt, and I wasn't utilizing what I learned in school.

I stayed at the dermatology office for 2 years, looking for jobs elsewhere for the second year & didn't ever get a call back. So, long story short, they did me the favor of firing me while I was out recovering from a hysterectomy (very nice of them since I had a miscarriage during my first month there & they knew this was not a wanted hysterectomy).

Either way, everything happens for a reason, I finished recovering, got my license for the adjacent state (im only 5 miles from border). Bigger city, way more hospitals, finally going to get my "dream" job of actually practicing nursing in a hospital... Not really.

After almost 5 months of unemployment I found a position in a skilled nursing/long term care facility (first time applying for LTC, not what I was really interested in). Pay was decent, but still not really doing a whole lot of hands on patient care. My position was doing weekly assessments on the LTC pts & then a bunch (tons) of adminstrative work. I worked 50+ hours/week regularly & lucky for me, I did 20+ hours of mandatory overtime the last week of each month for "changeover".

I knew I couldnt try right away for another job or I would be a job hopper... So I waited about 6 months & started hitting the hosptals hard. Did I mention that the administration was CRAZY in the LTC place, they were.. DON would scream at floor nurses that they were "****nurses*" in front of staff, vistors, residents. Just to give you an idea of the atmosphere. Luckily I stayed below the radar, but a very tense work environment with a very high turnover rate of nurses.

So I finally land my dream job, the hosptial that was at the top of my list, application #74 I get my interview & get the position. Im on a med surg floor. Yay!!.... Well, maybe not.

This has been miserable!!! I love the patients, (well most of them). But the co-workers kind of suck. I made the mistake of posting last week about NETY... I know, bad... And I learned alot from that, and started this week (i think week 5 of orientation) with higher anxiety than I had before. THanks for the head chomping on that one.

Either way, my point is, I jsut want to be happy. I find myself coming home miserable every night. I cried half the way home tonight. I am so sick of rude people. I feel like every time I make one mini step forward someone is a jerk & knocks me on my butt!!

There is a huge difference between teaching & being just rude. I had a rough time with my first preceptor, and now I have a new one & its worse. My first preceptor was very direct, quick & to the point. Also very rushed, made it hard to learn at times & increased my anxiety always rushing me & reminding me that I have a million things to do & only x amount of time left, but she was direct. Sometimes my feelings were hurt, but i knew she didnt mean to hurt them, she was just direct. I can handle direct, sometimes it takes a second to process the feelings, but I understood her intention. She would tell me "We have x amount of time to get you where you need to be"

My new preceptor is one of those nasty nice people. If I ask her a question, she will look at me, cock her head to the side & say "I dont know, what do you think?" Well, If I'm asking a question about giving potassium IV for the first time ever, I think maybe this isnt the time to let the newby sink or swim, maybe we should look up the information together if she thinks i need to use my resources, not let me hurt a patient (nobody was harmed, or even came close, no mistakes made, but not because of her help).

She also is one of those people that wants you to do things exactly the way she does them, well, okay, thats fine for most things, but if im getting my things done on time I dont think it should be okay for her to get mad at me for not using her version of a "to do list" if mine is working (my new list that i have attached to my brain sheet was my "ah-ha" moment for managing time & not forgetting things).

She seems overall very annoyed with me, and the fact that she even has to precept me, which makes me feel like crap. I am trying by best to stay calm, be friendly (but not overly friendly, just nice).

I feel like the entire floor is trying to test me, see jsut how far they can push me. When I got there today my assignment was 4 patients (normal is 4-6, supposed to be 4-5, seasoned nurses getting heavier load). I come to work 45 min early to get all my information for the day gathered, so Im as prepared as I can be, unpaid. Dont want a pat on the back, doing it for my own benefit, if it helps have my day organized then worth it. So after I have all info gathered, they re-do the assignment & give me another patient, so I am the only one with 5 pts & everone else has 4. Im a little annoyed & very anxious about getting everything done & not having the day fall apart, but i dont let it show & roll with it. And it was going fine. I made it. Deep breath!!

My last straw with her today was the fact that she was mad at me because we both forgot we had to change a wound vac dressing - they are changed Mon WEd & fri - (which is apparently not done very often on my floor). So at 5pm she remembered & snapped at me that I had a ton of meds to give (and she did snap, like it was my fault there were meds). I had everything caught up for the day, and they were 5 & 6pm meds I planned on giving at 6 (cluster care like suggested). So I hurried & went ahead & gave the meds.

She headed in the room at about 5:30 with another newer nurse & said for me to come in when I was through (I had 1 bag of fluids to hang). So I head in the room & she is showing the other nurse how to do it. (thought she was supposed to be teaching me things, but ok, we all need to learn, teamwork). This is a complex wound, 3 separate wounds, bridging all 3 (on backside)... I actually changed this woundvac last week with my other preceptor, so I asked a couple qeustions about her technique. She had HUGE peices of sponge (several cm wider & deeper than wounds) cut out & not at all shaped, just chomped at with scizzors & I very mously (quietly, meek, not sounding accusing) asked if we werent supposed to try to cut the peices to fit the wound. She said no, you dont need it to fit in there, when the suction turns on it will just suck it into the wound. OK, personally I dont agree, so I dont say anything, I start helping cut pieces of the drape. then i guess I crossed the line by asking one more question. I dont rememer what I asked & I was only asking for clarification about how we are supposed to do this (again, I really did not want to sound accusing or like I was telling her what I knew, heck, im the one learning, im not suggesting anything, just trying to understand). She throws down the sponge & scissors, looks at me & snapped at me saying "you know what, you do this however you want to" and stomps out of the room.

I know, you are all probably thinking I was telling her how I knew how to do this, or how the right way to do it was x, y, z... but I promise you, I did not.

Then the other nurse who was helping her left & said he had to go do something else & didnt have time to do this but he would send in someone to help me hold the patient (pt cannot move at all, & someone had to hold him rolled over on his side to get to the wounds). So they sent in a CNA to hold the pt so I could do the wound vac alone. Im telling you this is a bad wound, for the last dressing change my nurse manager & a very seaoned nurse did it because it was so hard)... Well, i got it done & not with huge peices of sponge gaping out of the wound. did I do it right, well I have no idea. I guess I will find out if I go back next week & hear about how the poor guy ended up getting the wound debrided again because the wound vac was crap....

Nice environment!!! Oh and half way through the very early night shift nurse stuck her head in to ask if i was done so she could get report... I just very nicely (which at this point was hard), said "no, note done yet, sorry". I will be out as quick as I can be (contact isolation pt, so nobody was coming in if they didnt have to).

AFter I was done with that & then report I had some charting to finish up, not much, maybe 10-15 minutes worth (including the wound vac). While I was charting someone called about a pt who was discharged yesterday & night nurse answered, i had the pt, so I was telling her about him, d/c to another facility, bla bla... apparently daughter didnt know where father was... daughter was screaming & beligreant... I suggested maybe if she doesnt have the PIN # for pt information we shouldnt say more than the fact that he was d/c yesterday, preceptor says to tell daughter where we sent patient & give daughter the phone number (Nobody sure of family dynamics). Preceptor says "just tell her where we sent him & give her phone number, let them deal with it), night nurse asking me questinos about pt & preceptor stands up & snaps at us, well you can do whatever you want to, im going home!"

What the heck??? Why the attitude. Its been like this with the attitude all week. And as i pointed out earlier, she is one of those nasty nice people. Never acts like this in front of managers. Is a very young little miss know it all & if you dont do it her way, apparently she will be very nasty (but not with anyone looking).

This girl has the entire staff wrapped around her little finger, buddy buddy with everyone & i see right through it.

Im just over it all, between the stress, anxiety, coming home miserable. Feeling like a big dumb peice of crap, I dont know if i can take one more crappy attitude. I know it is supposed to be hard, but it really sucks that attitudes of people have to make it harder. I dont expect it to be easy, but I dont want to come home crying & feeling like i have completely wasted the last 5+ years of my life....

I feel like i made the biggest mistake on earth... screw this job, screw nursing, I just want to go back to banking.

I know not every person on every floor is like this, so im not saying anytihng about all nurses being like this, but this is my experience & this is how it is where I am at. Little witchy attitudes. God complexes. Everyone thinks their way is right, or they are new & they worship the little nasty preceptor... who for whatever reason dislikes me very much. Makes for a wonderful work dynamic, so on top of it being extremely stressful just trying to get the hang of things & trying not to look like a total moron, I can ad teh stress of feeling like im the ugly kid in middle school again...

And who wants to go back to middle school?

I am miserable at work, which is making me miserable at home..... is it even worth it?? Will I ever feel like its worth it?? Right now Im not so sure!

PS for anyone who reads or responds, sorry for the length... I just had to get it out & nobody in my family understands & they are pretty sick of seing me miserable over my "dream job"...

[dudette10, MSN, RN]

Time to stop looking outward and look inward. Reflective practice is very important to developing your skills as a nurse--time management, prioritization, teamwork, professionalism.

One of my coworkers has a very patient demeanor, but the other day she confided in me that she just doesn't want to precept anymore. Her last orientee is doing things her own way. Ok, but what does that mean? She is missing orders, and she is not prioritizing care properly because she's completely ignoring my coworker's suggestions. I got specific examples from my co-worker, and I had to agree with her.

Think about why your preceptor is upset that you're doing things your own way. Did you miss an order? Did you not prioritize properly? Was a discharge delayed leading to an upset patient or family member?

Precepting is very stressful because you're teaching, trying to maintain a good rapport with the orientee, and you still have patients to care for and keep safe.

This new preceptor has been with you for a week or so? I know you were also upset with your previous one. Part of all this is that you are essentially a "new grad" in the acute care environment. You WILL be anxious, you WILL be stressed out, you WILL be running around like crazy.

LISTEN to your preceptors. After your two threads, I'm beginning to think that's what is missing here. Listen, reflect, look inward.

[dudette10, MSN, RN]

My new preceptor is one of those nasty nice people. If I ask her a question, she will look at me, cock her head to the side & say "I dont know, what do you think?" Well, If I'm asking a question about giving potassium IV for the first time ever, I think maybe this isnt the time to let the newby sink or swim, maybe we should look up the information together if she thinks i need to use my resources, not let me hurt a patient (nobody was harmed, or even came close, no mistakes made, but not because of her help).

That's the proper way to teach if you want someone to remember something. She isn't letting you "sink or swim" she wants you to think it through yourself! Please, do give her some credit for helping you. She was the one who remembered the wound vac, right?

BTW, I re-read your post, and in two days you did forget stuff: the wound vac change and notifying next of kin for a discharge. Sometimes a discharge just isn't a "get 'em out." You might have to dig a little to know who needs to be notified. If it was a discharge back to a NH (as opposed to discharge to a new facility), you can often call the NH to get the details on family notification.

[nursy1, BSN, RN]

The only thing that I am doing my way is my to do list... It is a version of hers, but I changed it so I have more detail- it goes on top of my brain sheet for each pt (which is her version). I have more detail.. On mine I have paper laid out landscape, a column for ea pt w/ their rm #, name, MD & accucheck at top & then rows with each hour below for odd timed meds & then under the times a "to do" to write in stuff as it comes up... Her version doesn't have names, just 1/2 sheet of paper with list of hours & small area next to if for "to do".. for me, I still need to write more down than more seasoned people & I would probably have each room filled in with hours... I admitted to her that in the future I probably wont need as much information in front of me, but right now it seems to work out with more detail... she wants me to have less detail & Im just not there yetl... that is the only thing I haven't taken her advice about....

for crying out loud, I even worked 3 shifts without sitting (until the very end of tonight) because she said I should stand in the hallway outside the rooms & chart... even if I had an hour free, that I would have less distraction... so I did... and she was right, for me right now, less distractions is better, so I stood. actually, one time when I said at the very end of the shift that I was going to sit at the back of the station & finish up my charting real quick, she replied "I think you should just stand there and chart"... My feet were killing me... but I didn't say (hey, im a lot older than you & my feet are going to fall off), I said okay... and then the next day I thanked her for the advice about the charting... I have been very courteous & appreciative for the advice given to me.... but the crappy attitude has to go...

Im just over all of it.... done!

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It really stinks when you continue your education to find that it is just not what you are looking for, and end up in debt.

Does this large hospital have tuition reimbursement? I ask because it sounds to me as if you have the experience and you may like it better to case manage or informatics nursing. Or your masters--an MBA. There are some facilities that will pay for an MBA. If you combine your finance degree and the BSN, you may want to consider something completely different.

There are also urgent care and MD offices who want office managers that are nurses and have a finance backround.

Just some food for thought.

And as a complete aside, I always learned that the sponge of the wound vac needs to fit into the wound. Sucking on intact or healing skin outside of the wound will guarantee skin breakdown of the intact skin. So yes, you were correct. Perhaps you could do it yourself next time, asking for assistance if you get stuck. The CNA can help you hold the patient.

Everyone has their own style. And you can take what you need, throw the rest in the back of your mind in case you need it some day. Nod, smile, and move on. "I appreciate you pointing that out to me" "Thank you for telling me that" and then go about your day.

And don't work off the clock. Ever. Violates all sorts of stuff. Hit the high points of your patient charts. Quick notes of any "unusual" med times (you know that all dailies are given at 8/8,9/9,10/10 what ever your policy is) and what treatments and when. Chart as you go, and make sure you make any notes to speak to MD about on your brain in an alternate color ink. Know your resources and where to find them. If you have a preceptor question--"I just want to make sure we are on the same page. I know that I need to ___________. I will set up by___________. I will be sure I print out PATIENT EDUCATION for this, and educate the patient of same. Anything else I am not covering?"

You are a professional. You want to do the right thing. You want to practice well. You got this. There is an end date when you will be on your own, and know your resources then as well. Start just looking at your parent company website for the different job opportunities and tuition reimbursements you may want to take advantage of. With your experience, you may be surprised at what is there.

Best wishes!

[icuRNmaggie, BSN, RN]

It sounds to me that your preceptor assumed that you are more experienced than you really are and is frustrated that you require more support than most nurses with 4 years of experience. You are on your second preceptor and still not meshing and an outsider might think you are not a good fit. That could cost you your job.

I think you need to work on your people skills. In this case just let this girl train you her way. Use her worksheet. If you have a question such as how fast to infuse KCL ask her where can I

find this policy? She is overly sensitive to questions about her technique so keep that in mind. Compliment her and thank her when appropriate. When she

behaves in an immature manner she just makes herself look

foolish. Ignore it. Say nothing about her, that will only make matters worse. In conclusion

you are not compatible but it is up to you to build a professional rapport, learn what you can and

learn how to manage your time.

[Libby1987]

I agree with above posters.

I would add, if you want to make it in nursing, you have to become very good at the essential aspects of it. You won't get there by pushing back against the precepting that you're receiving. Or by leaving jobs that don't make you happy during the tough learning curve. Nearly everyone of us has had some crap to deal with on our way to expertise, in nursing and every other job.

Tangent but this reminds me of successful athletes even down to the HS level. The most successful know how to be coached and they dig in courageously until they get it. It's not necessarily that the coaches know how to train but the athletes know how to be coached. They don't collapse under emotional pressure, they soak it up like a sponge and work through it until they get it. And coaches LOVE those kinds of kids. They don't have to be the most talented but they have to have the right attitude and ability to process the information while simultaneously performing.

I don't know how to tell you how to be coachable except to absorb everything, filter in the good and process it every night to build your muscle memory.

I'm also seeing a trend of resistance to being encouraged to think things through. We cannot possibly teach everything but we know everything you need to know. Becoming offended by what seems like brow beating may be your preceptor trying to teach you to think critically through processes.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

I agree with above posters.

I would add, if you want to make it in nursing, you have to become very good at the essential aspects of it. You won't get there by pushing back against the precepting that you're receiving. Or by leaving jobs that don't make you happy during the tough learning curve. Nearly everyone of has some crap to deal with on our way to expertise, in nursing and every other job.

Tangent but this reminds me of successful athletes even down to the HS level. The most successful know how to be coached and they dig in courageously until they get it. It's not necessarily that the coaches know how to train but the athletes know how to be coached. They don't collapse under emotional pressure, they soak it up like a sponge and work through it until they get it. And coaches LOVE those kind of kids. They don't have to be the most talented but they have to have the right attitude and ability to process the information while simultaneously performing.

I don't know how to tell you how to be coachable except to absorb everything, filter in the good and process it every night to build your muscle memory.

I'm also seeing a trend of resistance to being encouraged to think things through. We cannot possibly teach everything but we know everything you need to know. Becoming offended by what seems like brow beating may be your preceptor trying to teach you to think critically through processes.

Agree.

Nursing is about thinking critically; having a preceptor ask you "what do your THINK" is a HUGE determination on whether you can shape your own nursing judgement adequately enough to make the MOST competent decision.

I agree with others on soaking up information like a sponge and throwing out the other identifiers and attitude and get to the meat of the information that you NEED in order to be successful, especially in an acute environment, or any environment for what matters.

You're going to feel sensitive and vulnerable, nursing is a steep learning curve when it comes to managing pt loads in any environment.

Remember to keep your brain sheet simple-less is more; your "extra details" will come into play later; your focus is on managing your time safely and competently; once you get a handle on pt care in a inlet fashion, you will have time to look up any identifier and additional information later; you can do that while taking care of the pt-clustering care and all that.

Also, self studying needs to be in order; if you have something that you've done once that day, make sure you go on you tube or look in nursing books to stay on top of that information; you never know if you will have it again-and as you did have in this case, you could've looked that up prior to going back so you would've had the MOST accurate information because you looked it up and knew the right way to do it...

...which segue to my next nugget of information, which I call he three C's of becoming a better nurse: Competence, Consistency and Confidence-you need to learn how to be competent consistently in order to become a confident nurse. Be consistent in stating at a position long enough to soak the intimation and to build up a competency, THEN the confidence will come...but competency comes FIRST.

Best wishes.

[icuRNmaggie, BSN, RN]

https://allnurses.com/general-nursing-student/dear-nursing-students-800621-page12.html

Read this article; it contains a lot of truth for new nurses.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

https://allnurses.com/general-nursing-student/dear-nursing-students-800621-page12.html

Read this article; it contains a lot of truth for new nurses.

^So true.

[nursy1, BSN, RN]

Just so everyone knows, I fully intend on speaking with my preceptor next time we work together & apologizing for making her angry with me.. Not in those words... I need to think carefully how to word it not to come off insincere, which is how I am apparently being perceived. I may have ranted on here but im really trying my best at work. I appreciate everything I have learned. Im not going to say I appreciate the attitude, because I don't, but I have no intention on making things worse. I want things to work out with everyone. I want to succeed. That I why I post my rant on here & not at work, why I sit in my car & cry & not in front of them. I just want to learn as much as I can in the short time I have left on orientation & then try to be a good nurse, learn from everyone & do what I can to have good relationships with my coworkers.

[browneyes3000]

Just so everyone knows, I fully intend on speaking with my preceptor next time we work together & apologizing for making her angry with me.. Not in those words... I need to think carefully how to word it not to come off insincere, which is how I am apparently being perceived. I may have ranted on here but im really trying my best at work. I appreciate everything I have learned. Im not going to say I appreciate the attitude, because I don't, but I have no intention on making things worse. I want things to work out with everyone. I want to succeed. That I why I post my rant on here & not at work, why I sit in my car & cry & not in front of them. I just want to learn as much as I can in the short time I have left on orientation & then try to be a good nurse, learn from everyone & do what I can to have good relationships with my coworkers.

Being a new nurse is not easy. It is not uncommon to feel miserable as a new nurse. Don't be too hard on yourself. I would suggest you not to apologize to your preceptor for making her angry with you. It probably will upset her because it means you take things personally. Just try your best and things will be better. Actions always speak louder than words. Hugs.