just wondering if anyone has heard of this, whether it is a religious ritual, or if the family is just not in reality.
my patient's family said that they do not want their mother sent to the cooler when she dies because "she is very cold-natured." they also said they don't want her embalmed because they don't want her "stuck with any more needles."
um, hello? it's just going to be her shell in the cooler!
how would we nurses react if we observed a deceased person being transferred very disrespectfully...maybe even the body being dropped, or thrown over one's shoulder?
we would be horrified, yes? even acknowledging this 'body' does not feel the pain from injury or the humiliation from being tossed over the shoulder.
We had a 4-year old drowning. When ME's office came to get him from our ED, the guy simply wrapped him in a sheet and carried him out the door. I realize the child wasn't that big/heavy, but it just seemed...wrong. I still wonder if he secured him on a gurney in the car, or just tossed him in the backseat.
NurseKatie08...I slipped a Kit-Kat in my grandpa's shirt pocket during our viewing at the funeral home. (There's a long-standing story of Grandpa and 5-yr old me arguing about a candy bar!) My aunt also added things to the coffin. She used a ziploc to place a handful of dirt & alfalfa from the field and placed a couple pictures of the newest-born calves with him in the coffin.
Specializes in Management, Emergency, Psych, Med Surg.
It sounds like these people have not yet come to terms with the death of their loved one and I can certainly see why they would make such requests. They cannot yet separate her life from her death.
This has been a great thread for me; I have learned (or re-learned) alot. My immediate reaction was that of a nurse and I thought the request odd, but would have been respectful and tried to do what I could to accomodate. I was not really empathetic and more rational. After reading some of the responses, I became very empathetic and understood absolutely. I have been there and lived with some crazy thoughts after the death of someone I loved.
As a nurse, I have become so used to being treated like a robot, I often forget (or surpress) that I have experienced the death of family and friends. I have also been treated callously by co-workers when I "let a patient's condition affect me more than it should" or demeaned because I requested that I not care for a terminal patient because I had just had too much death for that week.
When we care for patients who have died and their families, we are taking part in a very special process and I always try to remember that it is my privilege to be there. It is funny because one of the most frightening and uncomfortable things about nursing fro me has become such a pleasure. This thread reminded me of how easy it is to forget that my "job" can be very special.
just yesterday, i asked ed where our plots will be.
he reminded me that i was going to be cremated.
i'll tell you, i felt momentarily jolted, thinking we wouldn't be next to ea other.
i even reconsidered being buried.
that is how powerful our psych is.
i'm still going to be cremated.
but a part of me is still going nuts, thinking i won't be next to him.
leslie
My husband died 4 years ago and was cremated. His ashes sit on top of a bookcase in my bedroom and when I die, I have requested that our ashes be mixed together and scattered at our favorite spot together. One of the reasons I didn't bury him was that I felt that if I ever moved out of state, I would be leaving him behind. Now that I read this--I must be crazy?!?!?!
i don't think the hospital will honor the non-cooler thing. it's a bio hazard and unsafe. unless the funeral home comes immediately, which they usually do not. it takes them a while. the embalm thing is pretty common (or uncommon). embalming is a requirement if they plan on viewing the body, but if they're burying her immediately, then it's not that big of a deal. (i just wouldn't want to see what she looks like in 30 days! ick!)
Before my mother died of lung cancer she & I discussed her funeral in detail. She had two requests only: no open casket and pink flowers. Her body had been severly ravaged by the chemo and radiation therapy. Although she remained my beautiful amazing mother to me I could also see her objectively and understand why she did not want anyone in her family or among her friends to see what had happened to her body. She had made all of her good byes to everyone before I brought her home. Therefore I chose for her to not be embalmed. There would be no viewing and she had been through enough that I couldn't bear the thought of her having to have one last "procedure" done before her body was allowed to rest. Not a single soul every questioned my decision.
I was privileged to be holding her in my arms when she breathed her last. Her last words to me were "I love you." Not everyone is as fortunate as I was to have that type of death experience with their loved ones so I view the little rituals and requests as their way to say, one last time, I love you.
Before my mother died of lung cancer she & I discussed her funeral in detail. She had two requests only: no open casket and pink flowers. Her body had been severly ravaged by the chemo and radiation therapy. Although she remained my beautiful amazing mother to me I could also see her objectively and understand why she did not want anyone in her family or among her friends to see what had happened to her body. She had made all of her good byes to everyone before I brought her home. Therefore I chose for her to not be embalmed. There would be no viewing and she had been through enough that I couldn't bear the thought of her having to have one last "procedure" done before her body was allowed to rest. Not a single soul every questioned my decision.
I was privileged to be holding her in my arms when she breathed her last. Her last words to me were "I love you." Not everyone is as fortunate as I was to have that type of death experience with their loved ones so I view the little rituals and requests as their way to say, one last time, I love you.
beautiful story, tx.
and yes, you both were indeed, privileged, to have such a tender, loving goodbye.
i held my mom as well...
and it will remain a powerful highlight of my life.
Specializes in Peds Critical Care, Dialysis, General.
From a PICU nurse:
We frequently, if the family requests, will keep the child on our unit. Our ortho techs are very cooperative in not putting the shroud completely over the child. We will wrap the child in a warm blanket and our NM will help clear a path for us to transport down - the funeral director is always with us. The parent may or may not accompany us. One family I had cared for did this and they were the ones who finally pulled his favorite blanket over his face. The child was placed in the back seat and secured with seat belts. The funeral director placed his coat over the child to further comfort mom & dad. The mom gave her child the last cares she'd given on this level of existence.
Yes, it's possible, but we also know our funeral homes are pretty quick to get to us. We feel it's the probably the last, best thing we can do for our families.
My mom has Stage IV breast cancer. We've had discussions about her funeral - no open casket - the type of music she wants, etc. She also knows that her final cares will be done by her three daughters - we're all RNs, so she's comforted that she'll be handled the last time by 3 of the people who love her most and know what she does and does not like.
I can really understand the families who make these requests.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
i recently went through the death of my husband. i remember having some of these same feelings. i never verbalized them as i recognized that they were crazy thoughts. my husband had many, many holes from ivs, blood cultures, and other draws. it did bother me that he would be placed in a cooler, alone in the cold.
of course i knew this was a shell, an empty body. i just wanted him to be treated respectfully.
perhaps the request seemed odd, but look at it another way. the family was having difficulties dealing with their loss. they focused on something that made them uncomfortable. the good news is that they felt comfortable enough with you to share these crazy thoughts. i never felt that comfortable, probably because i am a nurse.
facing the death of a loved one is a humbling experience. it brings out some of our deepest, darkest fears. i don't know of any religious tenant to prevent use of a cooler, but there are many religions that do not want embalming. pat yourself on the back that the family was comfortable enough to talk to you at all. many just shut down and never get to talk about these kinds of fears and wants. i suspect they wanted their loved one comfortable in death. i can relate to that.
i'm sorry for your loss, knottedyarn. i just lost my father a few weeks ago, and one of my mother's biggest concerns was that "dad will be in that cold, cold ground without even a blanket." as mother has alzheimer's there aren't many filters there, and she expressed this concern to everyone she met. i don't understand the concern, but i know that mom was very much missing her husband of nearly 60 years and perhaps this was the one way she could express that. dad went into the ground on a day that was 35 degrees below zero -- the ground was cold. on the other hand, he had a very peaceful, comfortable death on the hospice unit and then went exactly where he wanted to be -- in the cemetery where four generations of his ancestors are buried, about a mile and a half from the farm where he lived most of his 78 years.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
nursekatie08...i slipped a kit-kat in my grandpa's shirt pocket during our viewing at the funeral home. (there's a long-standing story of grandpa and 5-yr old me arguing about a candy bar!) my aunt also added things to the coffin. she used a ziploc to place a handful of dirt & alfalfa from the field and placed a couple pictures of the newest-born calves with him in the coffin.
i slipped a litter into the casket with my father. he was a talented woodcarver, so my mother, sister and i each chose a carving to be buried with him. mom and sis each chose flowers he'd carved and mom had painted. he had recently carved an angel (almost as if he knew what was coming) and i chose that. i know it seems rather silly, but it's somehow comforting to know that dad is buried with an angel to watch out for him.
This is a very interesting thread. Do you think it's possible that the family was referring to their loved one's "cold" nature in terms of a hot/cold conceptual health framework? For instance, some Asian and Hispanic cultures interpret certain disorders or stages of life (pregnancy and childbirth, for example) as dominated by either hot or cold. Remedies are administered with the idea of correcting the hot/cold imbalance in the person. Pregnancy, for example, is considered a hot condition, so you would want to encourage "cold" (not necessarily cold temperature) foods to help restore her balance. Here's an article about how the hot/cold dynamic plays into traditional Sinhalese medicine: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3686087?dopt=Abstract
Do you think the coldness they were talking about had something to do with the patient's disease process or general state of health?
sjt9721, BSN, RN
706 Posts
We had a 4-year old drowning. When ME's office came to get him from our ED, the guy simply wrapped him in a sheet and carried him out the door. I realize the child wasn't that big/heavy, but it just seemed...wrong. I still wonder if he secured him on a gurney in the car, or just tossed him in the backseat.
NurseKatie08...I slipped a Kit-Kat in my grandpa's shirt pocket during our viewing at the funeral home. (There's a long-standing story of Grandpa and 5-yr old me arguing about a candy bar!) My aunt also added things to the coffin. She used a ziploc to place a handful of dirt & alfalfa from the field and placed a couple pictures of the newest-born calves with him in the coffin.