just wondering if anyone has heard of this, whether it is a religious ritual, or if the family is just not in reality.
my patient's family said that they do not want their mother sent to the cooler when she dies because "she is very cold-natured." they also said they don't want her embalmed because they don't want her "stuck with any more needles."
um, hello? it's just going to be her shell in the cooler!
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
My first thought when my son died of ARDS (after allo BMT for relapsed AML) and they told me they wanted to do an autopsy on his lungs was "He's been through enough". I wound up consenting to it, but it was a very painful decision to make. He'd been through so much already.
Logical? Of course not. But understandable? Yes. Making the transition to accepting the loved one is gone, even while staring directly at the gray face that was once pink and vibrant, is very, very difficult. Speak gently. Explain gently. Be prepared to repeat yourself, maybe several times. And try to understand. The first stage of grief is denial.
As a hospice nurse, I related most definitely with knotted's post.
When a loved one dies, it is very difficult to think of them as a "shell". Mom has been complaining of a "bad back" for a long time and suddenly, just because she died, we can treat her body a little less gently? Family members have seen their loved ones poked and prodded - I can understand not wanting anymore.
Denial is the first part of grieving. I'd let people deal with that however they wish. So, no . .. I don't think this is odd.
Many of my co-workers are going to refuse embalming. Me too. Actually, I've decided on cremation.
When my son died, it was a required autopsy because it was a singl car accident. As an emergency nurse, I knew that. But as a mom, I hated it. I KNOW he wasn't there, but somehow it seemed to me he'd been through enough.
Heck, we chose his plot because it faces toward a stadium where they frequently have fireworks so he could see them. Yes, I KNOW. And even though was was 18, he has a nightlight. He isn't the only one out there facing the same way and with a nightlight, either, so I don't feel too silly.
So, it's true when you lose someone you love, you just aren't rational for a while.
Have you asked the family what they mean by being cold-natured? It might help them articulate some of their feelings to you.
Unless they want burial ASAP and no furneral (religious reasons) I'm sure there is state laws on how bodies are handled and stored until funerals and burrial.
I took it to mean.."mom doesn't like the cold or gets cold easy and that is enough needles"
When my son died, it was a required autopsy because it was a singl car accident. As an emergency nurse, I knew that. But as a mom, I hated it. I KNOW he wasn't there, but somehow it seemed to me he'd been through enough.
Heck, we chose his plot because it faces toward a stadium where they frequently have fireworks so he could see them. Yes, I KNOW. And even though was was 18, he has a nightlight. He isn't the only one out there facing the same way and with a nightlight, either, so I don't feel too silly.
So, it's true when you lose someone you love, you just aren't rational for a while.
Have you asked the family what they mean by being cold-natured? It might help them articulate some of their feelings to you.
My dad also required an autopsy because he died suddenly at 51 in otherwise good health. They figured it was a MI, but had to confirm. Even though I understood, I didn't like it at all. My dad was an extremely private person, & the idea of a stranger seeing him like that is disturbing because we knew it would bother him.
We chose my dad's plot because it faces uphill toward his parents & in-laws, so he wouldn't be alone. He is also one row over from my mom's uncle. We chose the number (we were between one plot and the one next to it) because it was 2004, the year I graduated high school.
As others have said...when you're in the denial stage of grief, you're not rational. We also buried my dad with his favorite jeans & sweatshirt by his side, so he could "get changed" because he HATED wearing suits. We made the funeral director take off his tie also before the casket was closed b/c he hated wearing ties for any longer than he had to. My mom wrote him a letter & left him his glasses so he could read it. My brother left him his dad's baseball glove & I left him a picture of us from my graduation & a ticket from my pinning ceremony, because he was so proud that day.
Even though we are all out of denial now, 8 mos later, I'd never change anything we did that day.
I also do wonder what OPs pt/family means by "cold-natured". It would be interesting to find out.
Specializes in onc, M/S, hospice, nursing informatics.
I recently went through the death of my husband. I remember having some of these same feelings. I never verbalized them as I recognized that they were crazy thoughts. My husband had many, many holes from IVs, blood cultures, and other draws. It did bother me that he would be placed in a cooler, alone in the cold.
I just saw a story on CNN yesterday about people who bury active, charged cell phones with a loved one.
One family said the phone rang during the service.
If it helps them cope better, I don't see the difference between this and burying someone with stuffed animals, sports memorabilia, a favorite CD, etc.
"cold-natured" might be a regional thing, I've heard it many times. It can mean emotionally distant but it seems pretty clear in this case that they meant mom was always cold and wouldn't want to be any colder. Another one I hear a lot is "cold-blooded", when they mean they are always chilled.
.thumb.jpg.85a3957354ce9d2e3ada13e4a6240b10.jpg){kind=small}
bebe5
16 Posts
Never heard of that first for everything..